0:00:00.028,0:00:03.485
Thank you, President Cowen,[br]Mrs. President Cowen,

0:00:03.485,0:00:04.425
(audience laughs)

0:00:04.425,0:00:05.429
distinguished guests,

0:00:05.429,0:00:07.559
undistinguished guests,[br]you know who you are,

0:00:07.559,0:00:08.443
(audience laughs)

0:00:08.443,0:00:11.006
honored faculty,[br]and creepy Spanish teacher.

0:00:11.006,0:00:13.246
(audience laughs)

0:00:13.246,0:00:17.125
And thank you[br]to all the graduating class of 2009,

0:00:17.125,0:00:19.751
I realize most of you are hung over[br]and have splitting

0:00:19.751,0:00:21.859
headaches and haven't slept[br]since Fat Tuesday

0:00:21.859,0:00:24.289
but you can't graduate till I finish,[br]so listen up!

0:00:24.289,0:00:27.041
(audience cheers and applauses)

0:00:27.041,0:00:29.275
When I was asked to make[br]the commencement speech

0:00:29.275,0:00:31.266
I immediately said yes.

0:00:32.286,0:00:34.476
Then I went to look up[br]what commencement meant,

0:00:34.476,0:00:35.537
(audience laughs)

0:00:35.537,0:00:38.108
which would've been easy[br]if I had a dictionary but most

0:00:38.108,0:00:41.802
of the books in our house are Portia's[br]and they're all written in Australian.

0:00:41.802,0:00:44.482
(audience laughs)

0:00:44.482,0:00:48.948
So, I had to break the word[br]down myself,

0:00:48.948,0:00:50.323
to find out the meaning.

0:00:50.323,0:00:51.713
Commencement.

0:00:51.713,0:00:53.606
Common and cement.

0:00:53.606,0:00:55.126
(audience laughs)

0:00:55.126,0:00:57.119
Common cement.

0:00:57.119,0:01:00.563
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

0:01:00.563,0:01:04.355
Sidewalks have cracks and if you step[br]on a crack you break your mothers back.

0:01:04.355,0:01:05.775
(audience laughs)

0:01:05.775,0:01:07.165
So there's that.

0:01:07.165,0:01:10.615
(audience laughs)

0:01:10.615,0:01:14.037
But I'm honored that you've asked me here[br]to speak at your common cement.

0:01:14.037,0:01:16.107
(audience laughs)

0:01:16.107,0:01:20.673
I thought that you had to be a famous[br]alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

0:01:20.673,0:01:23.103
you had to graduate from the school.

0:01:23.103,0:01:24.367
(audience laughs)

0:01:24.367,0:01:28.626
I didn't go to college, here,[br]and I don't know if President Cowen knows,

0:01:28.626,0:01:31.626
I didn't go to college at all,[br]any college.

0:01:31.626,0:01:34.619
And I'm not saying you wasted your time[br]or money but look at me,

0:01:34.619,0:01:36.028
I'm a huge celebrity.

0:01:36.028,0:01:42.028
(audience laughs and applauses)

0:01:48.068,0:01:50.688
Although I did graduate[br]from the school of hard knocks,

0:01:50.688,0:01:52.868
our mascot was the knockers.

0:01:52.868,0:01:54.608
(audience laughs)

0:01:54.608,0:01:56.464
I spent a lot of time here growing up.

0:01:56.464,0:01:58.774
My mom worked at Newcomb[br]and I would go there

0:01:58.774,0:02:01.985
every time I needed to steal[br]something out of her purse.

0:02:01.985,0:02:04.164
But why am I here today?[br]Clearly not to steal.

0:02:04.164,0:02:06.838
You're too far away[br]and I'd never get away with it.

0:02:06.838,0:02:08.851
I'm here because of you.

0:02:08.851,0:02:12.951
Because I can't think of a more tenacious,[br]more courageous graduating class.

0:02:12.951,0:02:15.807
I mean, look at you all[br]wearing your robes.

0:02:15.807,0:02:17.437
Usually when you're wearing a robe

0:02:17.437,0:02:19.776
at ten in the morning, [br]it means you've given up.

0:02:19.776,0:02:23.319
(audience laughs)

0:02:23.319,0:02:24.712
I'm here

0:02:24.712,0:02:27.102
(audience laughs)

0:02:27.102,0:02:29.349
because I love New Orleans.

0:02:29.349,0:02:32.761
I was born and raised here,[br]I spent my formative years here,

0:02:32.761,0:02:36.278
and like you, while I was living here,[br]I only did laundry six times.

0:02:36.278,0:02:40.048
(audience laughs)

0:02:40.048,0:02:42.814
When I finished school[br]I was completely lost.

0:02:42.814,0:02:44.537
And by school, I mean middle school,

0:02:44.537,0:02:46.917
but I went ahead and finished[br]high school anyway.

0:02:46.917,0:02:49.737
And I really had no ambition.

0:02:49.737,0:02:53.361
I didn't know what I wanted to do.[br]I did everything.

0:02:53.361,0:02:56.621
I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,[br]I was a bartender,

0:02:56.621,0:03:00.892
I was a waitress, I painted houses,[br]I sold vacuum cleaners.

0:03:00.892,0:03:06.184
I had no idea and I thought[br]I'd just finally settle on some job

0:03:06.184,0:03:08.431
and I would make enough money[br]to pay my rent,

0:03:08.431,0:03:11.810
maybe have basic cable, maybe not,[br]I didn't really have a plan.

0:03:11.810,0:03:13.908
My point, is that by the time[br]I was your age,

0:03:13.908,0:03:17.338
I really thought I knew who I was,[br]but I had no idea.

0:03:17.338,0:03:20.085
Like, for example, when I was your age,[br]I was dating men.

0:03:20.085,0:03:26.135
(audience laughs and cheers)

0:03:26.135,0:03:29.542
So what I'm saying is when your're older,[br]most of you will be gay.

0:03:29.542,0:03:33.852
(audience laughs and applauses)

0:03:33.852,0:03:35.864
Is anybody writing this stuff down?

0:03:35.864,0:03:37.198
Parents?

0:03:37.198,0:03:39.268
(audience laughs)

0:03:39.268,0:03:42.288
(Ellen laughs)

0:03:43.458,0:03:46.374
Anyway, I had no idea[br]what I wanted to do with my life

0:03:46.374,0:03:51.233
and the way I ended up on this path[br]was from a very tragic event.

0:03:51.233,0:03:54.664
I was maybe 19

0:03:54.664,0:03:58.680
and my girlfriend at the time[br]was killed in a car accident.

0:03:58.680,0:04:00.347
And I passed the accident

0:04:00.347,0:04:02.977
and I didn't know it was her[br]and I kept going.

0:04:02.977,0:04:05.988
And I found out shortly after[br]that it was her.

0:04:06.958,0:04:10.879
And I was living in a basement apartment.

0:04:10.879,0:04:14.491
I had no money,[br]I had no heat, no air.

0:04:14.491,0:04:18.590
I had a mattress on the floor[br]and the apartment was infested with fleas.

0:04:18.590,0:04:22.561
And I was soul-searching.[br]I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

0:04:22.561,0:04:25.126
and there are fleas here?[br]I don't understand."

0:04:25.126,0:04:27.746
There must be a purpose[br]and wouldn't it be so convenient

0:04:27.746,0:04:31.844
if we could just pick up the phone[br]and call God, and ask these questions.

0:04:31.844,0:04:34.529
And I started writing[br]and what poured out of me

0:04:34.529,0:04:38.781
was an imaginary conversation with God,[br]which was one-sided,

0:04:38.781,0:04:43.751
and I finished writing it[br]and I looked at it and I said to myself --

0:04:43.751,0:04:47.180
and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,[br]ever, there was no club in town --

0:04:47.180,0:04:50.429
I said I'm gonna do this[br]on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson --

0:04:50.429,0:04:53.431
at the time, he was the king --[br]and I'm gonna be the first woman

0:04:53.431,0:04:56.303
in the history of the show[br]to be called over to sit down.

0:04:56.303,0:04:57.865
And several years later,

0:04:57.865,0:05:00.151
I was the first woman[br]in the history of the show,

0:05:00.151,0:05:02.821
and the only woman[br]in the history of the show to sit down

0:05:02.821,0:05:05.500
because of that phone conversation[br]with God that I wrote.

0:05:05.500,0:05:09.658
And I started this path of stand-up

0:05:09.658,0:05:14.330
and it was successful and it was great,[br]but it was hard

0:05:14.330,0:05:18.351
because I was trying to please everybody,[br]and I had this secret that I was keeping

0:05:18.351,0:05:21.731
that I was gay, and I thought if people[br]found out they wouldn't like me,

0:05:21.731,0:05:24.799
they wouldn't laugh at me,[br]then my career turned into,

0:05:24.799,0:05:30.002
I got my own sitcom and that was[br]very successful, another level of success

0:05:30.002,0:05:33.145
and I thought, "What if they find out[br]I'm gay? Then they'll never watch."

0:05:34.125,0:05:36.530
This was a long time ago,[br]this was when we just had

0:05:36.530,0:05:38.574
white presidents[br]but anyway, this was back

0:05:38.574,0:05:40.874
(audience laughs)

0:05:40.874,0:05:42.004
many years ago.

0:05:42.004,0:05:44.304
(audience laughs)

0:05:44.304,0:05:46.745
And, I finally

0:05:48.325,0:05:53.633
decided that I was living with so much[br]shame and so much fear.

0:05:53.633,0:05:57.346
That I just couldn't live that way anymore.[br]I decided to come out, make it creative,

0:05:57.346,0:05:59.445
my character would come out[br]at the same time.

0:05:59.445,0:06:03.223
It wasn't to make a political statement[br]or do anything other than to free myself

0:06:03.223,0:06:05.556
up from this heaviness[br]that I was carrying around.

0:06:05.556,0:06:07.870
I just wanted to be honest[br]and I thought,

0:06:07.870,0:06:10.882
"What's the worst that can happen?[br]I can lose my career."

0:06:10.882,0:06:11.951
I did.

0:06:11.951,0:06:14.060
I lost my career.

0:06:14.060,0:06:17.705
The show was cancelled after six years[br]without even telling me.

0:06:17.705,0:06:19.092
I read it in the paper.

0:06:20.902,0:06:23.103
The phone didn't ring for three years.

0:06:23.103,0:06:27.559
I had no offers,[br]nobody wanted to touch me at all.

0:06:29.799,0:06:33.417
Yet, I was getting letters from kids[br]that almost committed suicide

0:06:33.417,0:06:35.048
but didn't because of what I did,

0:06:35.048,0:06:37.545
and I realized that I had a purpose

0:06:37.545,0:06:40.215
and it wasn't just about me[br]and it wasn't about celebrity

0:06:40.215,0:06:42.849
but I felt like I was being punished.

0:06:42.849,0:06:45.489
It was a bad time.[br]I was angry, I was sad.

0:06:45.489,0:06:47.602
And then I was offered a talk show

0:06:47.602,0:06:50.885
and the people that offered me[br]the talk show tried to sell it

0:06:50.885,0:06:53.586
and most stations[br]didn't want to pick it up.

0:06:53.586,0:06:57.424
Most people didn't want to buy it because[br]they thought nobody would watch me.

0:06:59.030,0:07:01.745
Really, when I look back on it,[br]I wouldn't change a thing.

0:07:01.745,0:07:04.516
It was so important for me[br]to lose everything

0:07:04.516,0:07:07.907
because I found out[br]what the most important thing is,

0:07:07.907,0:07:09.954
is to be true to yourself.

0:07:10.985,0:07:13.314
Ultimately, that's what's gotten me[br]to this place.

0:07:13.314,0:07:16.117
I don't live in fear, I'm free,[br]I have no secrets,

0:07:16.117,0:07:17.654
and I know I'll always be okay

0:07:17.654,0:07:20.637
because no matter what,[br]I know who I am.

0:07:20.637,0:07:22.899
So, in conclusion,

0:07:22.899,0:07:26.478
when I was younger[br]I thought success was something different.

0:07:26.478,0:07:29.431
I thought, when I grow up,[br]I want to be famous,

0:07:29.431,0:07:31.477
I want to be a star,[br]I want to be in movies.

0:07:31.477,0:07:34.147
When I grow up, I want to see[br]the world, drive nice cars,

0:07:34.147,0:07:35.647
I wanna have groupies,

0:07:35.647,0:07:36.824
(audience laughs)

0:07:36.824,0:07:38.376
to quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

0:07:38.376,0:07:40.709
How many people thought[br]it was boobies by the way?

0:07:40.709,0:07:42.059
It's not, it's groupies.

0:07:42.059,0:07:43.239
(audience laughs)

0:07:43.239,0:07:46.051
But my idea of success is different today[br]and as you grow,

0:07:46.051,0:07:48.340
you'll realize the definition[br]of success changes.

0:07:48.340,0:07:52.586
For many of you, today's success is being[br]able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

0:07:52.586,0:07:54.787
(audience laughs and cheers)

0:07:54.787,0:07:56.910
For me, the most important[br]thing in your life

0:07:56.910,0:07:59.129
is to live your life with integrity

0:07:59.129,0:08:02.600
and not to give into peer pressure[br]to try to be something that you're not.

0:08:02.600,0:08:05.340
To live your life as an honest[br]and compassionate person,

0:08:05.340,0:08:07.591
to contribute in some way.

0:08:07.591,0:08:09.446
So to conclude my conclusion,

0:08:09.446,0:08:10.736
(audience laughs)

0:08:10.736,0:08:12.734
follow your passion,[br]stay true to yourself,

0:08:12.734,0:08:15.494
never follow someone else's path[br]unless you're in the woods

0:08:15.494,0:08:17.174
and you're lost and you see a path,

0:08:17.174,0:08:19.083
then by all means[br]you should follow that.

0:08:19.083,0:08:21.331
(audience laughs)

0:08:21.331,0:08:24.736
Don't give advice,[br]it'll come back and bite you in the ass.

0:08:24.736,0:08:26.755
Don't take anyone's advice.

0:08:26.755,0:08:28.698
So my advice to you is to

0:08:28.698,0:08:30.188
(audience laughs)

0:08:30.188,0:08:32.481
be true to yourself[br]and everything will be fine.

0:08:32.481,0:08:36.282
I know a lot of you are concerned about[br]your future but there's no need to worry.

0:08:36.282,0:08:39.009
The economy is booming,[br]the job market is wide open.

0:08:39.009,0:08:40.045
(audience laughs)

0:08:40.045,0:08:41.936
The planet is just fine.

0:08:41.936,0:08:43.086
(audience laughs)

0:08:43.086,0:08:45.384
It'll be great.[br]You already survived a hurricane.

0:08:45.384,0:08:46.722
What else can happen to you?

0:08:46.722,0:08:49.248
Some of the most devastating things[br]that happen to you

0:08:49.248,0:08:51.915
will teach you the most.[br]Now you know the right questions

0:08:51.915,0:08:55.068
to ask for your first job interview,[br]like, "Is it above sea level?"

0:08:55.068,0:08:58.608
(audience laughs)

0:08:58.608,0:09:01.467
So, to conclude my conclusion[br]that I previously concluded

0:09:01.467,0:09:03.629
in the common cement speech,

0:09:03.629,0:09:07.238
I guess what I'm trying to say[br]is life is like one big Mardi Gras,

0:09:07.238,0:09:10.145
but instead of showing your boobs[br]show people your brain,

0:09:10.145,0:09:11.571
and if they like what they see

0:09:11.571,0:09:14.323
you'll have more beads[br]than you know what to do with.

0:09:14.323,0:09:16.624
And you'll be drunk most of the time.

0:09:16.624,0:09:17.697
(audience laughs)

0:09:17.697,0:09:20.436
So to the Katrina class of 2009,[br]I say congratulations

0:09:20.436,0:09:23.336
and if you don't remember[br]a thing I said today, remember this.

0:09:23.336,0:09:24.753
You're gonna be okay

0:09:24.753,0:09:27.064
dum-do-dum-dum-dum

0:09:27.064,0:09:28.288
just dance.

0:09:28.288,0:09:29.748
(audience laughs and cheers)