[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.03,0:00:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, President Cowen,\NMrs. President Cowen,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.48,0:00:04.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.42,0:00:05.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,distinguished guests,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.43,0:00:07.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,undistinguished guests,\Nyou know who you are,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.56,0:00:08.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.44,0:00:11.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honored faculty,\Nand creepy Spanish teacher.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.01,0:00:13.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.25,0:00:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thank you\Nto all the graduating class of 2009,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.12,0:00:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realize most of you are hung over\Nand have splitting
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.75,0:00:21.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,headaches and haven't slept\Nsince Fat Tuesday
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.86,0:00:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you can't graduate till I finish,\Nso listen up!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.29,0:00:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience cheers and applauses)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.04,0:00:29.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was asked to make\Nthe commencement speech
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.28,0:00:31.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I immediately said yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.29,0:00:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I went to look up\Nwhat commencement meant,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.48,0:00:35.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.54,0:00:38.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which would've been easy\Nif I had a dictionary but most
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.11,0:00:41.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the books in our house are Portia's\Nand they're all written in Australian.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.80,0:00:44.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.48,0:00:48.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I had to break the word\Ndown myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.95,0:00:50.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to find out the meaning.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.32,0:00:51.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Commencement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.71,0:00:53.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Common and cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.61,0:00:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.13,0:00:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.12,0:01:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.56,0:01:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sidewalks have cracks and if you step\Non a crack you break your mothers back.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.36,0:01:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.78,0:01:07.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's that.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.16,0:01:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.62,0:01:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm honored that you've asked me here\Nto speak at your common cement.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.04,0:01:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.11,0:01:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that you had to be a famous\Nalumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.67,0:01:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you had to graduate from the school.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.10,0:01:24.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.37,0:01:28.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't go to college, here,\Nand I don't know if President Cowen knows,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.63,0:01:31.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't go to college at all,\Nany college.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.63,0:01:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not saying you wasted your time\Nor money but look at me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.62,0:01:36.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a huge celebrity.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.03,0:01:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and applauses)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.07,0:01:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although I did graduate\Nfrom the school of hard knocks,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.69,0:01:52.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our mascot was the knockers.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.87,0:01:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.61,0:01:56.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time here growing up.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.46,0:01:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom worked at Newcomb\Nand I would go there
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.77,0:02:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every time I needed to steal\Nsomething out of her purse.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.98,0:02:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But why am I here today?\NClearly not to steal.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.16,0:02:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're too far away\Nand I'd never get away with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.84,0:02:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here because of you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.85,0:02:12.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I can't think of a more tenacious,\Nmore courageous graduating class.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.95,0:02:15.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, look at you all\Nwearing your robes.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.81,0:02:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Usually when you're wearing a robe
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.44,0:02:19.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at ten in the morning, \Nit means you've given up.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.78,0:02:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.32,0:02:24.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.71,0:02:27.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.10,0:02:29.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I love New Orleans.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.35,0:02:32.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was born and raised here,\NI spent my formative years here,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.76,0:02:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and like you, while I was living here,\NI only did laundry six times.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.28,0:02:40.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.05,0:02:42.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I finished school\NI was completely lost.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.81,0:02:44.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by school, I mean middle school,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.54,0:02:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I went ahead and finished\Nhigh school anyway.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.92,0:02:49.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I really had no ambition.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.74,0:02:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't know what I wanted to do.\NI did everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.36,0:02:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,\NI was a bartender,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.62,0:03:00.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a waitress, I painted houses,\NI sold vacuum cleaners.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.89,0:03:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no idea and I thought\NI'd just finally settle on some job
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.18,0:03:08.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would make enough money\Nto pay my rent,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.43,0:03:11.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe have basic cable, maybe not,\NI didn't really have a plan.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.81,0:03:13.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My point, is that by the time\NI was your age,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.91,0:03:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really thought I knew who I was,\Nbut I had no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.34,0:03:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, for example, when I was your age,\NI was dating men.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.08,0:03:26.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and cheers)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.14,0:03:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I'm saying is when your're older,\Nmost of you will be gay.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.54,0:03:33.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and applauses)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.85,0:03:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.86,0:03:37.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Parents?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.20,0:03:39.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.27,0:03:42.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Ellen laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.46,0:03:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyway, I had no idea\Nwhat I wanted to do with my life
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.37,0:03:51.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the way I ended up on this path\Nwas from a very tragic event.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.23,0:03:54.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was maybe 19
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.66,0:03:58.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my girlfriend at the time\Nwas killed in a car accident.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.68,0:04:00.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I passed the accident
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.35,0:04:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know it was her\Nand I kept going.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.98,0:04:05.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I found out shortly after\Nthat it was her.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.96,0:04:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was living in a basement apartment.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.88,0:04:14.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no money,\NI had no heat, no air.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.49,0:04:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a mattress on the floor\Nand the apartment was infested with fleas.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.59,0:04:22.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was soul-searching.\NI was like, "Why is she suddenly gone
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.56,0:04:25.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are fleas here?\NI don't understand."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.13,0:04:27.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There must be a purpose\Nand wouldn't it be so convenient
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.75,0:04:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we could just pick up the phone\Nand call God, and ask these questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.84,0:04:34.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I started writing\Nand what poured out of me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.53,0:04:38.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was an imaginary conversation with God,\Nwhich was one-sided,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.78,0:04:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I finished writing it\Nand I looked at it and I said to myself --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.75,0:04:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,\Never, there was no club in town --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.18,0:04:50.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said I'm gonna do this\Non the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.43,0:04:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the time, he was the king --\Nand I'm gonna be the first woman
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.43,0:04:56.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the history of the show\Nto be called over to sit down.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.30,0:04:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And several years later,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.86,0:05:00.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was the first woman\Nin the history of the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.15,0:05:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only woman\Nin the history of the show to sit down
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.82,0:05:05.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of that phone conversation\Nwith God that I wrote.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.50,0:05:09.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I started this path of stand-up
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.66,0:05:14.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was successful and it was great,\Nbut it was hard
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.33,0:05:18.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was trying to please everybody,\Nand I had this secret that I was keeping
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.35,0:05:21.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was gay, and I thought if people\Nfound out they wouldn't like me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.73,0:05:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they wouldn't laugh at me,\Nthen my career turned into,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.80,0:05:30.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got my own sitcom and that was\Nvery successful, another level of success
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.00,0:05:33.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought, "What if they find out\NI'm gay? Then they'll never watch."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.12,0:05:36.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was a long time ago,\Nthis was when we just had
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.53,0:05:38.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,white presidents\Nbut anyway, this was back
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.57,0:05:40.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.87,0:05:42.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,many years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.00,0:05:44.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.30,0:05:46.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, I finally
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.32,0:05:53.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,decided that I was living with so much\Nshame and so much fear.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.63,0:05:57.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That I just couldn't live that way anymore.\NI decided to come out, make it creative,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.35,0:05:59.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my character would come out\Nat the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.44,0:06:03.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't to make a political statement\Nor do anything other than to free myself
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.22,0:06:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,up from this heaviness\Nthat I was carrying around.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.56,0:06:07.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just wanted to be honest\Nand I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.87,0:06:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What's the worst that can happen?\NI can lose my career."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.88,0:06:11.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.95,0:06:14.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I lost my career.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.06,0:06:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The show was cancelled after six years\Nwithout even telling me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.70,0:06:19.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I read it in the paper.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.90,0:06:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The phone didn't ring for three years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.10,0:06:27.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no offers,\Nnobody wanted to touch me at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.80,0:06:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yet, I was getting letters from kids\Nthat almost committed suicide
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.42,0:06:35.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but didn't because of what I did,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.05,0:06:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I realized that I had a purpose
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.54,0:06:40.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it wasn't just about me\Nand it wasn't about celebrity
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.22,0:06:42.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I felt like I was being punished.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.85,0:06:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a bad time.\NI was angry, I was sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.49,0:06:47.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I was offered a talk show
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.60,0:06:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people that offered me\Nthe talk show tried to sell it
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.88,0:06:53.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most stations\Ndidn't want to pick it up.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.59,0:06:57.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most people didn't want to buy it because\Nthey thought nobody would watch me.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.03,0:07:01.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, when I look back on it,\NI wouldn't change a thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.74,0:07:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was so important for me\Nto lose everything
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.52,0:07:07.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I found out\Nwhat the most important thing is,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.91,0:07:09.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to be true to yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.98,0:07:13.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, that's what's gotten me\Nto this place.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.31,0:07:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't live in fear, I'm free,\NI have no secrets,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.12,0:07:17.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know I'll always be okay
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.65,0:07:20.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because no matter what,\NI know who I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.64,0:07:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in conclusion,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.90,0:07:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was younger\NI thought success was something different.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.48,0:07:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, when I grow up,\NI want to be famous,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.43,0:07:31.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to be a star,\NI want to be in movies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.48,0:07:34.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I grow up, I want to see\Nthe world, drive nice cars,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.15,0:07:35.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna have groupies,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.65,0:07:36.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.82,0:07:38.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.38,0:07:40.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many people thought\Nit was boobies by the way?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.71,0:07:42.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not, it's groupies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.06,0:07:43.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.24,0:07:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But my idea of success is different today\Nand as you grow,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.05,0:07:48.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll realize the definition\Nof success changes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.34,0:07:52.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For many of you, today's success is being\Nable to hold down 20 shots of tequila.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.59,0:07:54.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and cheers)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.79,0:07:56.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, the most important\Nthing in your life
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.91,0:07:59.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to live your life with integrity
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.13,0:08:02.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not to give into peer pressure\Nto try to be something that you're not.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.60,0:08:05.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To live your life as an honest\Nand compassionate person,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.34,0:08:07.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to contribute in some way.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.59,0:08:09.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to conclude my conclusion,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.45,0:08:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.74,0:08:12.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,follow your passion,\Nstay true to yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.73,0:08:15.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never follow someone else's path\Nunless you're in the woods
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.49,0:08:17.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're lost and you see a path,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.17,0:08:19.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then by all means\Nyou should follow that.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.08,0:08:21.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.33,0:08:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't give advice,\Nit'll come back and bite you in the ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.74,0:08:26.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't take anyone's advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.76,0:08:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my advice to you is to
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.70,0:08:30.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.19,0:08:32.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be true to yourself\Nand everything will be fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.48,0:08:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know a lot of you are concerned about\Nyour future but there's no need to worry.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.28,0:08:39.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The economy is booming,\Nthe job market is wide open.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.01,0:08:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.04,0:08:41.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The planet is just fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.94,0:08:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.09,0:08:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It'll be great.\NYou already survived a hurricane.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.38,0:08:46.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What else can happen to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.72,0:08:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of the most devastating things\Nthat happen to you
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.25,0:08:51.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will teach you the most.\NNow you know the right questions
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.92,0:08:55.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ask for your first job interview,\Nlike, "Is it above sea level?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.07,0:08:58.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.61,0:09:01.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, to conclude my conclusion\Nthat I previously concluded
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.47,0:09:03.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the common cement speech,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.63,0:09:07.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess what I'm trying to say\Nis life is like one big Mardi Gras,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.24,0:09:10.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but instead of showing your boobs\Nshow people your brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.14,0:09:11.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if they like what they see
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.57,0:09:14.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll have more beads\Nthan you know what to do with.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.32,0:09:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you'll be drunk most of the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.62,0:09:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.70,0:09:20.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to the Katrina class of 2009,\NI say congratulations
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.44,0:09:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you don't remember\Na thing I said today, remember this.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.34,0:09:24.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're gonna be okay
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.75,0:09:27.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dum-do-dum-dum-dum
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.06,0:09:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just dance.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.29,0:09:29.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience laughs and cheers)