WEBVTT

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Thank you, President Cowen,
Mrs. President Cowen,

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(audience laughs)

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distinguished guests,

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undistinguished guests,
you know who you are,

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(audience laughs)

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honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

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(audience laughs)

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And thank you
to all the graduating class of 2009,

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I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

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headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

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but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up!

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(audience cheers and applauses)

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When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

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I immediately said yes.

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Then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

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(audience laughs)

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which would've been easy
if I had a dictionary but most

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of the books in our house are Portia's
and they're all written in Australian.

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(audience laughs)

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So, I had to break the word
down myself,

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to find out the meaning.

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Commencement.

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Common and cement.

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(audience laughs)

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Common cement.

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You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

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Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

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(audience laughs)

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So there's that.

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(audience laughs)

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But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

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(audience laughs)

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I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

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you had to graduate from the school.

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(audience laughs)

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I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowen knows,

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I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

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And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

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I'm a huge celebrity.

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(audience laughs and applauses)

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Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks,

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our mascot was the knockers.

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(audience laughs)

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I spent a lot of time here growing up.

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My mom worked at Newcomb
and I would go there

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every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

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But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

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You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

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I'm here because of you.

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Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

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I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

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Usually when you're wearing a robe

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at ten in the morning, 
it means you've given up.

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(audience laughs)

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I'm here

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(audience laughs)

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because I love New Orleans.

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I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

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and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

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(audience laughs)

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When I finished school
I was completely lost.

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And by school, I mean middle school,

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but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

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And I really had no ambition.

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I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

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I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

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I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners.

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I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

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and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

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maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

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My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

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I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

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Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

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(audience laughs and cheers)

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So what I'm saying is when your're older,
most of you will be gay.

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(audience laughs and applauses)

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Is anybody writing this stuff down?

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Parents?

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(audience laughs)

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(Ellen laughs)

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Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

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and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

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I was maybe 19

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and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

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And I passed the accident

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and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

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And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

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And I was living in a basement apartment.

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I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

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I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

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And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

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and there are fleas here?
I don't understand."

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There must be a purpose
and wouldn't it be so convenient

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if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions.

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And I started writing
and what poured out of me

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was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

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and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

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and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

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I said I'm gonna do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson --

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at the time, he was the king --
and I'm gonna be the first woman

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in the history of the show
to be called over to sit down.

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And several years later,

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I was the first woman
in the history of the show,

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and the only woman
in the history of the show to sit down

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because of that phone conversation
with God that I wrote.

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And I started this path of stand-up

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and it was successful and it was great,
but it was hard

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because I was trying to please everybody,
and I had this secret that I was keeping

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that I was gay, and I thought if people
found out they wouldn't like me,

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they wouldn't laugh at me,
then my career turned into,

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I got my own sitcom and that was
very successful, another level of success

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and I thought, "What if they find out
I'm gay? Then they'll never watch."

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This was a long time ago,
this was when we just had

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white presidents
but anyway, this was back

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(audience laughs)

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many years ago.

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(audience laughs)

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And, I finally

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decided that I was living with so much
shame and so much fear.

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That I just couldn't live that way anymore.
I decided to come out, make it creative,

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my character would come out
at the same time.

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It wasn't to make a political statement
or do anything other than to free myself

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up from this heaviness
that I was carrying around.

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I just wanted to be honest
and I thought,

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"What's the worst that can happen?
I can lose my career."

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I did.

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I lost my career.

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The show was cancelled after six years
without even telling me.

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I read it in the paper.

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The phone didn't ring for three years.

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I had no offers,
nobody wanted to touch me at all.

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Yet, I was getting letters from kids
that almost committed suicide

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but didn't because of what I did,

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and I realized that I had a purpose

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and it wasn't just about me
and it wasn't about celebrity

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but I felt like I was being punished.

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It was a bad time.
I was angry, I was sad.

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And then I was offered a talk show

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and the people that offered me
the talk show tried to sell it

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and most stations
didn't want to pick it up.

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Most people didn't want to buy it because
they thought nobody would watch me.

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Really, when I look back on it,
I wouldn't change a thing.

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It was so important for me
to lose everything

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because I found out
what the most important thing is,

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is to be true to yourself.

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Ultimately, that's what's gotten me
to this place.

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I don't live in fear, I'm free,
I have no secrets,

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and I know I'll always be okay

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because no matter what,
I know who I am.

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So, in conclusion,

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when I was younger
I thought success was something different.

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I thought, when I grow up,
I want to be famous,

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I want to be a star,
I want to be in movies.

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When I grow up, I want to see
the world, drive nice cars,

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I wanna have groupies,

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(audience laughs)

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to quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

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How many people thought
it was boobies by the way?

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It's not, it's groupies.

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(audience laughs)

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But my idea of success is different today
and as you grow,

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you'll realize the definition
of success changes.

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For many of you, today's success is being
able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

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(audience laughs and cheers)

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For me, the most important
thing in your life

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is to live your life with integrity

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and not to give into peer pressure
to try to be something that you're not.

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To live your life as an honest
and compassionate person,

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to contribute in some way.

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So to conclude my conclusion,

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(audience laughs)

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follow your passion,
stay true to yourself,

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never follow someone else's path
unless you're in the woods

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and you're lost and you see a path,

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then by all means
you should follow that.

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(audience laughs)

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Don't give advice,
it'll come back and bite you in the ass.

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Don't take anyone's advice.

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So my advice to you is to

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(audience laughs)

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be true to yourself
and everything will be fine.

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I know a lot of you are concerned about
your future but there's no need to worry.

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The economy is booming,
the job market is wide open.

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(audience laughs)

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The planet is just fine.

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(audience laughs)

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It'll be great.
You already survived a hurricane.

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What else can happen to you?

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Some of the most devastating things
that happen to you

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will teach you the most.
Now you know the right questions

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to ask for your first job interview,
like, "Is it above sea level?"

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(audience laughs)

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So, to conclude my conclusion
that I previously concluded

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in the common cement speech,

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I guess what I'm trying to say
is life is like one big Mardi Gras,

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but instead of showing your boobs
show people your brain,

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and if they like what they see

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you'll have more beads
than you know what to do with.

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And you'll be drunk most of the time.

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(audience laughs)

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So to the Katrina class of 2009,
I say congratulations

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and if you don't remember
a thing I said today, remember this.

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You're gonna be okay

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dum-do-dum-dum-dum

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just dance.

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(audience laughs and cheers)