Thank you, President Cowen, Mrs. President Cowen,
(audience laughs)
distinguished guests,
undistinguished guests, you know who you are,
(audience laughs)
honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher.
(audience laughs)
And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009,
I realize most of you are hung over and have splitting
headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday
but you can't graduate till I finish, so listen up!
(audience cheers and applauses)
When I was asked to make the commencement speech
I immediately said yes.
Then I went to look up what commencement meant,
(audience laughs)
which would've been easy if I had a dictionary but most
of the books in our house are Portia's and they're all written in Australian.
(audience laughs)
So, I had to break the word down myself,
to find out the meaning.
Commencement.
Common and cement.
(audience laughs)
Common cement.
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Sidewalks have cracks and if you step on a crack you break your mothers back.
(audience laughs)
So there's that.
(audience laughs)
But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.
(audience laughs)
I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,
you had to graduate from the school.
(audience laughs)
I didn't go to college, here, and I don't know if President Cowen knows,
I didn't go to college at all, any college.
And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money but look at me,
I'm a huge celebrity.
(audience laughs and applauses)
Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks,
our mascot was the knockers.
(audience laughs)
I spent a lot of time here growing up.
My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there
every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal.
You're too far away and I'd never get away with it.
I'm here because of you.
Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class.
I mean, look at you all wearing your robes.
Usually when you're wearing a robe
at ten in the morning, it means you've given up.
(audience laughs)
I'm here
(audience laughs)
because I love New Orleans.
I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here,
and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.
(audience laughs)
When I finished school I was completely lost.
And by school, I mean middle school,
but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.
And I really had no ambition.
I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything.
I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender,
I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners.
I had no idea and I thought I'd just finally settle on some job
and I would make enough money to pay my rent,
maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan.
My point, is that by the time I was your age,
I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.
Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.
(audience laughs and cheers)
So what I'm saying is when your're older, most of you will be gay.
(audience laughs and applauses)
Is anybody writing this stuff down?
Parents?
(audience laughs)
(Ellen laughs)
Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.
I was maybe 19
and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.
And I passed the accident
and I didn't know it was her and I kept going.
And I found out shortly after that it was her.
And I was living in a basement apartment.
I had no money, I had no heat, no air.
I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.
And I was soul-searching. I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone
and there are fleas here? I don't understand."
There must be a purpose and wouldn't it be so convenient
if we could just pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.
And I started writing and what poured out of me
was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided,
and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself --
and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town --
I said I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson --
at the time, he was the king -- and I'm gonna be the first woman
in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.
And several years later,
I was the first woman in the history of the show,
and the only woman in the history of the show to sit down
because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.
And I started this path of stand-up
and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard
because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this secret that I was keeping
that I was gay, and I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me,
they wouldn't laugh at me, then my career turned into,
I got my own sitcom and that was very successful, another level of success
and I thought, "What if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch."
This was a long time ago, this was when we just had
white presidents but anyway, this was back
(audience laughs)
many years ago.
(audience laughs)
And, I finally
decided that I was living with so much shame and so much fear.
That I just couldn't live that way anymore. I decided to come out, make it creative,
my character would come out at the same time.
It wasn't to make a political statement or do anything other than to free myself
up from this heaviness that I was carrying around.
I just wanted to be honest and I thought,
"What's the worst that can happen? I can lose my career."
I did.
I lost my career.
The show was cancelled after six years without even telling me.
I read it in the paper.
The phone didn't ring for three years.
I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me at all.
Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide
but didn't because of what I did,
and I realized that I had a purpose
and it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity
but I felt like I was being punished.
It was a bad time. I was angry, I was sad.
And then I was offered a talk show
and the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it
and most stations didn't want to pick it up.
Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.
Really, when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing.
It was so important for me to lose everything
because I found out what the most important thing is,
is to be true to yourself.
Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.
I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets,
and I know I'll always be okay
because no matter what, I know who I am.
So, in conclusion,
when I was younger I thought success was something different.
I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous,
I want to be a star, I want to be in movies.
When I grow up, I want to see the world, drive nice cars,
I wanna have groupies,
(audience laughs)
to quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.
How many people thought it was boobies by the way?
It's not, it's groupies.
(audience laughs)
But my idea of success is different today and as you grow,
you'll realize the definition of success changes.
For many of you, today's success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.
(audience laughs and cheers)
For me, the most important thing in your life
is to live your life with integrity
and not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you're not.
To live your life as an honest and compassionate person,
to contribute in some way.
So to conclude my conclusion,
(audience laughs)
follow your passion, stay true to yourself,
never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods
and you're lost and you see a path,
then by all means you should follow that.
(audience laughs)
Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass.
Don't take anyone's advice.
So my advice to you is to
(audience laughs)
be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
I know a lot of you are concerned about your future but there's no need to worry.
The economy is booming, the job market is wide open.
(audience laughs)
The planet is just fine.
(audience laughs)
It'll be great. You already survived a hurricane.
What else can happen to you?
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you
will teach you the most. Now you know the right questions
to ask for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"
(audience laughs)
So, to conclude my conclusion that I previously concluded
in the common cement speech,
I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras,
but instead of showing your boobs show people your brain,
and if they like what they see
you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.
And you'll be drunk most of the time.
(audience laughs)
So to the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations
and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this.
You're gonna be okay
dum-do-dum-dum-dum
just dance.
(audience laughs and cheers)