1
00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:17,069
I want to start with 
doing a small survey with you.

2
00:00:17,773 --> 00:00:21,829
For that, please put 
your hands into your laps

3
00:00:25,433 --> 00:00:28,849
and close your eyes.

4
00:00:31,792 --> 00:00:34,551
I will now pose a couple of questions

5
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,795
to which I would love to have 
a very honest answer

6
00:00:37,795 --> 00:00:39,815
just by a show of hands.

7
00:00:40,212 --> 00:00:43,106
No worries, no one will judge you for it.

8
00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:45,435
The first question is,


9
00:00:45,791 --> 00:00:49,858
Who of you has thought, 
within the past week,

10
00:00:50,192 --> 00:00:54,999
about whether or not you are 
an emotionally intelligent person?

11
00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:00,632
Now that you think of it, 


12
00:01:01,326 --> 00:01:04,572
would you consider yourself
emotionally intelligent?

13
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,933
Please raise your hand if you do so.

14
00:01:09,990 --> 00:01:16,827
And who of you has ever worked 
consciously on your emotional skill?

15
00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:21,945
Thank you for sharing.

16
00:01:21,945 --> 00:01:23,765
You can now open your eyes again.

17
00:01:24,315 --> 00:01:28,236
And thank you also for being 
so very honest with me.

18
00:01:28,775 --> 00:01:31,265
Now I also want to be honest with you.

19
00:01:31,538 --> 00:01:36,314
Emotional intelligence is not 
necessarily my main strength.

20
00:01:37,712 --> 00:01:41,781
When I make decisions,
I based them solely on my rationale.

21
00:01:42,122 --> 00:01:44,990
If friends from school hear me 
do this talk right now,

22
00:01:45,268 --> 00:01:47,478
they will be very surprised
because back then,

23
00:01:47,478 --> 00:01:50,870
I didn't even consider emotions
as something crucial.

24
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:53,023
They weren't logical.

25
00:01:53,023 --> 00:01:54,753
I couldn't explain them very well.

26
00:01:54,753 --> 00:01:56,473
So why would I care?

27
00:01:57,266 --> 00:02:03,045
I never even actively thought about
the topic until five years ago

28
00:02:04,018 --> 00:02:07,637
when I dropped out of a job
because of a burnout.

29
00:02:10,810 --> 00:02:14,408
It was then that my very 
emotional side was revealed,

30
00:02:15,115 --> 00:02:20,013
and while I rarely cried before,
especially not in front of people,

31
00:02:20,985 --> 00:02:24,857
I just couldn't stop the tears
from streaming down my face

32
00:02:24,868 --> 00:02:27,838
at the most inconvenient of times anymore.

33
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,615
Several times a day,

34
00:02:30,825 --> 00:02:34,546
I went to the restroom
just to hide my suffering.

35
00:02:36,227 --> 00:02:40,060
And that made very clear to me
that I need to work on this issue.

36
00:02:40,807 --> 00:02:42,089
But now, what is it,

37
00:02:42,089 --> 00:02:46,058
this mysterious emotional intelligence?

38
00:02:47,537 --> 00:02:49,294
When most people think of it,

39
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,782
they stop at the term “emotional.”

40
00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:54,416
What do you connect to it?

41
00:02:55,637 --> 00:02:58,131
I'd say it has a bad connotation,

42
00:02:58,131 --> 00:03:02,121
describing a person having
or expressing strong feelings.

43
00:03:02,462 --> 00:03:08,362
And this connotation is also then,
therefore, emotional intelligence,

44
00:03:09,079 --> 00:03:11,966
a misconception that I had as well.

45
00:03:12,533 --> 00:03:15,148
However, it's crucial to differentiate

46
00:03:15,148 --> 00:03:19,544
between emotional and the value
that emotional intelligence can have,

47
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,165
because emotional intelligence
is something fundamentally different.

48
00:03:24,756 --> 00:03:30,197
It's the ability to identify and manage
your emotions and those of others,

49
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,909
and it's set to include three skills.

50
00:03:34,408 --> 00:03:37,066
First, emotional awareness,

51
00:03:37,406 --> 00:03:41,686
so empathy towards others 
but also towards the self.

52
00:03:42,645 --> 00:03:46,595
Second, the ability to harness emotions

53
00:03:46,604 --> 00:03:49,689
and apply them to tasks
like problem solving.

54
00:03:50,663 --> 00:03:54,199
And third, the ability to manage emotions,

55
00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:56,759
which includes regulating
your own emotions

56
00:03:56,877 --> 00:04:00,547
but also calming down
or cheering up other people.

57
00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:03,955
As you can clearly see by this contrast,

58
00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:07,866
very emotional people do not
necessarily or automatically

59
00:04:08,301 --> 00:04:10,230
have a high emotional intelligence,

60
00:04:10,420 --> 00:04:14,017
because they may only
display their emotions freely

61
00:04:14,017 --> 00:04:17,880
without thinking about
or knowing why they have them.

62
00:04:18,435 --> 00:04:20,084
And maybe not even considering

63
00:04:20,084 --> 00:04:23,734
the appropriateness of showing them
in the respective situation.

64
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:31,919
Now, lacking emotional intelligence
as a kid or teenager meant for me

65
00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:37,184
that I would channel things
like loneliness or fear

66
00:04:37,666 --> 00:04:40,141
sometimes into aggression.

67
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:45,853
My family background -
well, let's say - is improvable.

68
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,444
So, instead of finding
the support that I'd need,

69
00:04:49,669 --> 00:04:53,672
I'd rather get it on the basis
of "Oh, don't be such a crybaby"

70
00:04:53,672 --> 00:04:55,147
than anything else.

71
00:04:55,508 --> 00:04:58,568
My parents didn't teach me
the value of emotions.

72
00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:02,547
Therefore, losing friends or breakups

73
00:05:02,751 --> 00:05:05,233
would hit me harder than many others

74
00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:07,955
because I could neither 
fully understand my emotions,

75
00:05:07,955 --> 00:05:09,865
nor those of the others.

76
00:05:10,345 --> 00:05:11,913
They just didn't make sense.

77
00:05:12,044 --> 00:05:15,316
I thought I'm not supposed
to feel that way,

78
00:05:15,624 --> 00:05:20,277
because I've never learned
how to deal with emotions.

79
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:24,099
And with time passing, I realised

80
00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:27,785
I'm just one of many people 
having this issue.

81
00:05:28,465 --> 00:05:33,669
Have you ever thought about
why people judge or bully each other,

82
00:05:34,423 --> 00:05:41,043
beat kids, or at work, or even in
toxic friendships or relationships?

83
00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:47,091
And it can be anything,
ranging from sexism to racism.

84
00:05:49,681 --> 00:05:54,091
It's because of insecurity
due to a lack of emotional intelligence,

85
00:05:54,098 --> 00:05:57,018
because it's hard 
to understand the difference

86
00:05:57,027 --> 00:05:59,037
between yourself and someone else,

87
00:05:59,569 --> 00:06:03,115
And it's even harder to connect
on an emotional level,

88
00:06:03,115 --> 00:06:06,257
to truly comprehend
where someone else is coming from.

89
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,191
And in order to change that,

90
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:13,244
we first of all need to consider
emotional intelligence

91
00:06:13,693 --> 00:06:16,214
as a crucial skill in our society,

92
00:06:16,617 --> 00:06:20,277
and then also take the time
to consciously work on it.

93
00:06:21,838 --> 00:06:24,784
Currently, we do neither.

94
00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:28,579
And we also don't give
our kids, for example,

95
00:06:28,579 --> 00:06:32,250
the space to learn the skill.

96
00:06:33,407 --> 00:06:37,027
Kids nowadays - they are supposed
to be good in school,

97
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:40,049
do sports, play an instrument,
learn a foreign language,

98
00:06:40,071 --> 00:06:42,591
and maybe even some additional things.

99
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,704
They don't get the chance
to get to know who they are,

100
00:06:46,704 --> 00:06:49,664
connect to themselves, 
and to their emotions.

101
00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:54,530
And a fundamental part
of being emotionally intelligent

102
00:06:54,817 --> 00:06:57,638
means knowing who you are.

103
00:06:58,538 --> 00:07:00,354
And for them to learn,

104
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:04,754
we also need to learn it ourselves
to be the role model that they need.

105
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,219
Now you might be thinking, "Yeah, sure,

106
00:07:08,521 --> 00:07:14,746
but how do we approach this topic -
individually, but also as a society?"

107
00:07:15,441 --> 00:07:19,331
And basically it comes down to
what everything comes down to:

108
00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,398
we need to learn a new skill.

109
00:07:21,782 --> 00:07:24,652
So, when you learn a new skill,

110
00:07:24,970 --> 00:07:29,805
you first of all need to become aware
of your incompetence in the field.

111
00:07:30,225 --> 00:07:32,101
So I got there with my burnout.

112
00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:35,413
I'm pretty sure that you
can manage that more easily,

113
00:07:36,182 --> 00:07:38,072
and then you work on the skill

114
00:07:38,078 --> 00:07:40,798
until you manage it
to the level that you want.

115
00:07:41,614 --> 00:07:45,444
And after a while,
you will even be able to apply it

116
00:07:45,819 --> 00:07:47,699
without actively thinking about it.

117
00:07:48,144 --> 00:07:50,568
Take for example, your driver's license.

118
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,614
After a while you stop thinking,

119
00:07:52,614 --> 00:07:54,911
"Oh, I need to put in the next gear" -

120
00:07:54,911 --> 00:07:56,281
you just do so.

121
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:59,259
Unconscious competence achieved.

122
00:07:59,516 --> 00:08:03,245
Now, the tricky thing, though, is

123
00:08:03,245 --> 00:08:07,951
to get from conscious incompetence
to conscious competence.

124
00:08:08,643 --> 00:08:12,118
And we do that by learning 
the basics of how a car works

125
00:08:12,118 --> 00:08:13,478
and by practicing.

126
00:08:13,478 --> 00:08:15,462
So in the beginning it may be difficult

127
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:18,643
to steer the wheel at the same time
as putting in the next gear,

128
00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:21,245
but after a while, it gets easier.

129
00:08:21,745 --> 00:08:26,651
And with emotional intelligence,
it's basically the same thing.

130
00:08:27,228 --> 00:08:30,447
So I tried to compile my experiences

131
00:08:30,627 --> 00:08:34,278
and came up with a six-step guide

132
00:08:34,495 --> 00:08:38,837
that hopefully helps people
to get more emotionally intelligent.

133
00:08:39,372 --> 00:08:41,682
And the first thing 
that we need to do is

134
00:08:41,682 --> 00:08:44,212
we need to acknowledge our emotions.

135
00:08:44,212 --> 00:08:47,172
But not only as such
but as something valuable

136
00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:49,082
because that's what they are.

137
00:08:49,424 --> 00:08:52,945
According to research by António Damásio,

138
00:08:52,945 --> 00:08:57,965
people whose brain parts that are
responsible for emotions have been damaged

139
00:08:57,985 --> 00:09:02,660
found themselves even having 
a harder time taking rational decisions.

140
00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:05,154
That's how valuable they are.

141
00:09:05,951 --> 00:09:11,351
And the very first small 
but simple thing that you can do

142
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,158
is you can ask people

143
00:09:13,158 --> 00:09:16,287
with genuine interest 
how they are feeling.

144
00:09:17,412 --> 00:09:21,357
And when you're asked, 
answer with authenticity

145
00:09:21,357 --> 00:09:23,854
when you feel good 
but also when you feel bad,

146
00:09:24,009 --> 00:09:28,795
so no "I'm fine", but also no complaining.

147
00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:31,360
Instead of complaining
about your colleagues,

148
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:37,372
say, "I don't feel appreciated at work",
or whatever it comes down to -

149
00:09:37,732 --> 00:09:39,722
make it an iMessage.

150
00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:43,046
And when people show emotions,

151
00:09:43,602 --> 00:09:46,367
tell them that it's okay to have those.

152
00:09:46,942 --> 00:09:48,222
Talk about them.

153
00:09:48,878 --> 00:09:54,574
Erase the taboo that I feel exists
in our society of talking about emotions,

154
00:09:54,867 --> 00:09:57,096
because that's more often than not

155
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:01,011
the one thing that keeps us
from making the next step.

156
00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:06,004
And the next step is differentiating
and analysing emotions.

157
00:10:06,402 --> 00:10:12,689
So sometimes when we talk about
or express a feeling,

158
00:10:13,162 --> 00:10:17,694
we substitute the original one
with one that we think we know better

159
00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:19,822
or are better at handling.

160
00:10:20,401 --> 00:10:23,991
But there are actually
a lot of different emotions

161
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,582
and all of them have their functions,

162
00:10:27,537 --> 00:10:31,867
and all of them might also need you
to handle them differently.

163
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:35,096
Therefore, it's important
to get down to the core.

164
00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:41,239
And then, you also need to accept
and appreciate all those emotions

165
00:10:41,811 --> 00:10:44,035
because emotions are neither good nor bad.

166
00:10:44,207 --> 00:10:47,091
They just gain connotation
through society.

167
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:52,112
Take, for example, grieving or sadness.

168
00:10:53,058 --> 00:10:56,946
Why do we so desperately 
try to cut it out of our lives?

169
00:10:57,577 --> 00:11:01,847
Because actually, it's just
a very beautiful illustration

170
00:11:01,847 --> 00:11:06,090
of the appreciation that we have
for someone or something.

171
00:11:08,111 --> 00:11:10,690
Now, I approach all three steps

172
00:11:10,690 --> 00:11:15,197
by writing my emotions down
in a journal just for that -

173
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:16,745
on need basis,

174
00:11:16,745 --> 00:11:20,015
so not necessarily daily 
but sometimes only every few weeks,

175
00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:22,535
or maybe even only every few months.

176
00:11:23,285 --> 00:11:28,014
Friends of mine do similar things 
with apps if you want to be more modern.

177
00:11:29,161 --> 00:11:32,997
And then there is the next step:

178
00:11:33,352 --> 00:11:36,247
reflecting on your emotions
and their origin

179
00:11:36,410 --> 00:11:40,423
because sometimes just knowing
why we feel the way you do

180
00:11:40,423 --> 00:11:43,340
already helps us handle the feeling.

181
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,620
Again, for me covered
when I write them down

182
00:11:46,848 --> 00:11:50,097
because it gives me time
to actively think about them.

183
00:11:52,997 --> 00:11:55,792
And then you get to
handling your emotions,

184
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:59,261
because that’s what
it’s all about, isn’t it?

185
00:11:59,711 --> 00:12:03,257
And as that, reflecting might
already suffice.

186
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,521
But it might not.

187
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:11,323
And you may still need to find your way 
on how to handle your emotions.

188
00:12:11,957 --> 00:12:14,252
Because there's more than 
one way to skin a cat,

189
00:12:14,252 --> 00:12:17,294
and I can only give you 
a few examples of what I did.

190
00:12:17,294 --> 00:12:18,548
And what helped me,

191
00:12:18,548 --> 00:12:22,466
if not handle the emotion
but at least find out how to handle it ,

192
00:12:22,466 --> 00:12:24,380
was writing it down

193
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:28,164
because it put distance 
between me and my emotions.

194
00:12:28,753 --> 00:12:30,732
There has even been a study conducted 


195
00:12:30,732 --> 00:12:35,107
on the positive effects 
of written expression of emotions,

196
00:12:35,107 --> 00:12:36,827
by Pennebaker and Smyth,

197
00:12:36,841 --> 00:12:40,546
and they published it in their book
"Opening Up by Writing It Down",

198
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:42,389
if you want to check it out.

199
00:12:43,046 --> 00:12:45,736
Because that's actually 
another thing that I do:

200
00:12:45,908 --> 00:12:47,758
I read on the topic.

201
00:12:48,151 --> 00:12:49,891
Currently, I'm reading

202
00:12:49,891 --> 00:12:52,681
"The Language of Emotions",
by Karla McLaren.

203
00:12:53,542 --> 00:12:56,149
Literally any book 
by Brené Brown is good to go,

204
00:12:56,149 --> 00:12:58,408
but there are so many more.

205
00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:00,495
And I talk to friends.

206
00:13:00,725 --> 00:13:03,892
I ask them, How do you
approach this situation?

207
00:13:03,892 --> 00:13:06,849
How do you approach 
that topic or this emotion?

208
00:13:07,665 --> 00:13:11,421
And then, it's more or less 
a trial-and-error principle.

209
00:13:11,682 --> 00:13:13,243
Sometimes it may be sports, 


210
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:14,943
sometimes it may be meditation.

211
00:13:14,943 --> 00:13:19,127
It's just important
that you find your individual way.

212
00:13:20,814 --> 00:13:24,045
And then, handling the emotions of others.

213
00:13:24,307 --> 00:13:27,219
And I'd say as soon as 
you master your emotions,

214
00:13:27,219 --> 00:13:30,426
but also in the process 
of getting better at it,

215
00:13:30,426 --> 00:13:32,736
you will find it easier and easier

216
00:13:32,736 --> 00:13:34,512
to also handle the emotions of others

217
00:13:34,512 --> 00:13:36,919
because you have 
a different understanding.

218
00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:40,814
And understanding 
and awareness are the keys.

219
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,144
It gets even easier

220
00:13:43,144 --> 00:13:48,615
because you can simply ask
the other person how you can support them

221
00:13:49,202 --> 00:13:50,755
because they might know.

222
00:13:51,087 --> 00:13:54,869
Or, you can also ask them 
how they can support themselves,

223
00:13:55,137 --> 00:13:59,376
because that way you know 
only help them in the acute situation

224
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:03,976
but you actually help them 
develop their emotional intelligence.

225
00:14:05,942 --> 00:14:09,842
And then, when we have a few people 
being emotionally intelligent,

226
00:14:09,842 --> 00:14:14,469
we also need to think about 
"How can we teach our next generation?"

227
00:14:15,694 --> 00:14:19,353
And as a society, I feel the most 
important thing that we need to do is

228
00:14:19,353 --> 00:14:22,303
implement emotional education in school.

229
00:14:22,947 --> 00:14:26,882
Teach children about the different
emotions and their functions.

230
00:14:27,427 --> 00:14:30,651
Give them a space 
to openly talk about them

231
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,220
so that they can 
acknowledge their emotions.

232
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,825
Help them to accept and appreciate them.

233
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:39,256
To be honest, it's not that difficult.

234
00:14:39,256 --> 00:14:40,876
Most of the things that I mention

235
00:14:40,876 --> 00:14:43,406
can be easily put 
into practice in schools.

236
00:14:43,656 --> 00:14:47,094
I mean, how many books 
have you read in school?

237
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:51,176
Why not make some of them 
about emotional intelligence?

238
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:55,755
Or make kids work 
on case studies together

239
00:14:55,755 --> 00:14:59,489
so that they can exchange their ideas 
on how to approach topics.

240
00:15:00,726 --> 00:15:02,505
And if we're lucky,

241
00:15:03,097 --> 00:15:08,070
they get out of school having learned
this fundamental and crucial skill

242
00:15:08,093 --> 00:15:10,457
of emotional intelligence.

243
00:15:13,749 --> 00:15:16,689
Imagine the world 
that we would be living in.

244
00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:22,280
If every one of us 
was emotionally intelligent,

245
00:15:22,282 --> 00:15:24,134
what do you think would change?

246
00:15:25,816 --> 00:15:27,957
Being emotionally intelligent means

247
00:15:27,957 --> 00:15:30,777
knowing and understanding yourself.

248
00:15:30,987 --> 00:15:33,583
Thus, it helps you make better decisons.

249
00:15:33,893 --> 00:15:36,797
It would spare us from 
emotional suffering

250
00:15:36,797 --> 00:15:38,993
because we know where it comes from

251
00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:41,285
and we know how to handle it -

252
00:15:41,285 --> 00:15:44,136
and maybe not even impose it upon others.

253
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,059
It would help us deal
with interpersonal relationships

254
00:15:48,059 --> 00:15:50,909
because we also connect 
on a different level.

255
00:15:51,631 --> 00:15:55,291
And interpersonal relationships
are everywhere.

256
00:15:56,296 --> 00:15:57,775
Just think about it.

257
00:15:58,263 --> 00:16:02,655
What would it mean to have 
an emotionally intelligent boss?

258
00:16:04,665 --> 00:16:08,794
Or what would it mean to have 
an emotionally intelligent parent?

259
00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:13,477
If we were all emotionally intelligent,

260
00:16:13,477 --> 00:16:16,065
how would we approach differences?

261
00:16:18,168 --> 00:16:21,497
Or how would we approach topics 
like mental health?

262
00:16:23,044 --> 00:16:26,254
Or how would we approach conflicts?

263
00:16:29,353 --> 00:16:32,444
Just imagine the world 
that we would be living in -

264
00:16:33,389 --> 00:16:35,652
a world full of mutual understanding,

265
00:16:35,652 --> 00:16:38,654
acceptance, tolerance and connection -

266
00:16:39,735 --> 00:16:41,785
a truly inclusive world.

267
00:16:43,145 --> 00:16:45,821
How awesome would that be?

268
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,116
Thank you.

269
00:16:47,396 --> 00:16:50,486
(Applause)