0:00:12.053,0:00:17.069
I want to start with [br]doing a small survey with you.

0:00:17.773,0:00:21.829
For that, please put [br]your hands into your laps

0:00:25.433,0:00:28.849
and close your eyes.

0:00:31.792,0:00:34.551
I will now pose a couple of questions

0:00:34.802,0:00:37.795
to which I would love to have [br]a very honest answer

0:00:37.795,0:00:39.815
just by a show of hands.

0:00:40.212,0:00:43.106
No worries, no one will judge you for it.

0:00:43.542,0:00:45.435
The first question is,[br]

0:00:45.791,0:00:49.858
Who of you has thought, [br]within the past week,

0:00:50.192,0:00:54.999
about whether or not you are [br]an emotionally intelligent person?

0:00:58.812,0:01:00.632
Now that you think of it, [br]

0:01:01.326,0:01:04.572
would you consider yourself[br]emotionally intelligent?

0:01:04.832,0:01:06.933
Please raise your hand if you do so.

0:01:09.990,0:01:16.827
And who of you has ever worked [br]consciously on your emotional skill?

0:01:20.733,0:01:21.945
Thank you for sharing.

0:01:21.945,0:01:23.765
You can now open your eyes again.

0:01:24.315,0:01:28.236
And thank you also for being [br]so very honest with me.

0:01:28.775,0:01:31.265
Now I also want to be honest with you.

0:01:31.538,0:01:36.314
Emotional intelligence is not [br]necessarily my main strength.

0:01:37.712,0:01:41.781
When I make decisions,[br]I based them solely on my rationale.

0:01:42.122,0:01:44.990
If friends from school hear me [br]do this talk right now,

0:01:45.268,0:01:47.478
they will be very surprised[br]because back then,

0:01:47.478,0:01:50.870
I didn't even consider emotions[br]as something crucial.

0:01:51.701,0:01:53.023
They weren't logical.

0:01:53.023,0:01:54.753
I couldn't explain them very well.

0:01:54.753,0:01:56.473
So why would I care?

0:01:57.266,0:02:03.045
I never even actively thought about[br]the topic until five years ago

0:02:04.018,0:02:07.637
when I dropped out of a job[br]because of a burnout.

0:02:10.810,0:02:14.408
It was then that my very [br]emotional side was revealed,

0:02:15.115,0:02:20.013
and while I rarely cried before,[br]especially not in front of people,

0:02:20.985,0:02:24.857
I just couldn't stop the tears[br]from streaming down my face

0:02:24.868,0:02:27.838
at the most inconvenient of times anymore.

0:02:28.782,0:02:30.615
Several times a day,

0:02:30.825,0:02:34.546
I went to the restroom[br]just to hide my suffering.

0:02:36.227,0:02:40.060
And that made very clear to me[br]that I need to work on this issue.

0:02:40.807,0:02:42.089
But now, what is it,

0:02:42.089,0:02:46.058
this mysterious emotional intelligence?

0:02:47.537,0:02:49.294
When most people think of it,

0:02:49.294,0:02:51.782
they stop at the term "emotional".

0:02:52.460,0:02:54.416
What do you connect to it?

0:02:55.637,0:02:58.131
I'd say it has a bad connotation,

0:02:58.131,0:03:02.121
describing a person having[br]or expressing strong feelings.

0:03:02.462,0:03:08.362
And this connotation is also then,[br]therefore, emotional intelligence,

0:03:09.079,0:03:11.966
a misconception that I had as well.

0:03:12.533,0:03:15.148
However, it's crucial to differentiate

0:03:15.148,0:03:19.544
between emotional and the value[br]that emotional intelligence can have,

0:03:20.240,0:03:24.165
because emotional intelligence[br]is something fundamentally different.

0:03:24.756,0:03:30.197
It's the ability to identify and manage[br]your emotions and those of others,

0:03:30.611,0:03:33.909
and it's set to include three skills.

0:03:34.408,0:03:37.066
First, emotional awareness,

0:03:37.406,0:03:41.686
so empathy towards others [br]but also towards the self.

0:03:42.645,0:03:46.595
Second, the ability to harness emotions

0:03:46.604,0:03:49.689
and apply them to tasks[br]like problem solving.

0:03:50.663,0:03:54.199
And third, the ability to manage emotions,

0:03:54.199,0:03:56.759
which includes regulating[br]your own emotions

0:03:56.877,0:04:00.547
but also calming down[br]or cheering up other people.

0:04:01.770,0:04:03.955
As you can clearly see by this contrast,

0:04:04.526,0:04:07.866
very emotional people do not[br]necessarily or automatically

0:04:08.301,0:04:10.230
have a high emotional intelligence,

0:04:10.420,0:04:14.017
because they may only[br]display their emotions freely

0:04:14.017,0:04:17.880
without thinking about[br]or knowing why they have them.

0:04:18.435,0:04:20.084
And maybe not even considering

0:04:20.084,0:04:23.734
the appropriateness of showing them[br]in the respective situation.

0:04:25.140,0:04:31.919
Now, lacking emotional intelligence[br]as a kid or teenager meant for me

0:04:32.206,0:04:37.184
that I would channel things[br]like loneliness or fear

0:04:37.666,0:04:40.141
sometimes into aggression.

0:04:40.520,0:04:45.853
My family background -[br]well, let's say - is improvable.

0:04:46.587,0:04:49.444
So, instead of finding[br]the support that I'd need,

0:04:49.669,0:04:53.672
I'd rather get it on the basis[br]of "Oh, don't be such a crybaby"

0:04:53.672,0:04:55.147
than anything else.

0:04:55.508,0:04:58.568
My parents didn't teach me[br]the value of emotions.

0:04:58.959,0:05:02.547
Therefore, losing friends or breakups

0:05:02.751,0:05:05.233
would hit me harder than many others

0:05:05.233,0:05:07.955
because I could neither [br]fully understand my emotions,

0:05:07.955,0:05:09.865
nor those of the others.

0:05:10.345,0:05:11.913
They just didn't make sense.

0:05:12.044,0:05:15.316
I thought I'm not supposed[br]to feel that way,

0:05:15.624,0:05:20.277
because I've never learned[br]how to deal with emotions.

0:05:20.980,0:05:24.099
And with time passing, I realised

0:05:24.415,0:05:27.785
I'm just one of many people [br]having this issue.

0:05:28.465,0:05:33.669
Have you ever thought about[br]why people judge or bully each other,

0:05:34.423,0:05:41.043
beat kids, or at work, or even in[br]toxic friendships or relationships?

0:05:41.815,0:05:47.091
And it can be anything,[br]ranging from sexism to racism.

0:05:49.681,0:05:54.091
It's because of insecurity[br]due to a lack of emotional intelligence,

0:05:54.098,0:05:57.018
because it's hard [br]to understand the difference

0:05:57.027,0:05:59.037
between yourself and someone else,

0:05:59.569,0:06:03.115
And it's even harder to connect[br]on an emotional level,

0:06:03.115,0:06:06.257
to truly comprehend[br]where someone else is coming from.

0:06:07.201,0:06:09.191
And in order to change that,

0:06:09.327,0:06:13.244
we first of all need to consider[br]emotional intelligence

0:06:13.693,0:06:16.214
as a crucial skill in our society,

0:06:16.617,0:06:20.277
and then also take the time[br]to consciously work on it.

0:06:21.838,0:06:24.784
Currently, we do neither.

0:06:25.450,0:06:28.579
And we also don't give[br]our kids, for example,

0:06:28.579,0:06:32.250
the space to learn the skill.

0:06:33.407,0:06:37.027
Kids nowadays - they are supposed[br]to be good in school,

0:06:37.029,0:06:40.049
do sports, play an instrument,[br]learn a foreign language,

0:06:40.071,0:06:42.591
and maybe even some additional things.

0:06:43.695,0:06:46.704
They don't get the chance[br]to get to know who they are,

0:06:46.704,0:06:49.664
connect to themselves, [br]and to their emotions.

0:06:50.230,0:06:54.530
And a fundamental part[br]of being emotionally intelligent

0:06:54.817,0:06:57.638
means knowing who you are.

0:06:58.538,0:07:00.354
And for them to learn,

0:07:00.653,0:07:04.754
we also need to learn it ourselves[br]to be the role model that they need.

0:07:05.729,0:07:08.219
Now you might be thinking, "Yeah, sure,

0:07:08.521,0:07:14.746
but how do we approach this topic -[br]individually, but also as a society?"

0:07:15.441,0:07:19.331
And basically it comes down to[br]what everything comes down to:

0:07:19.648,0:07:21.398
we need to learn a new skill.

0:07:21.782,0:07:24.652
So, when you learn a new skill,

0:07:24.970,0:07:29.805
you first of all need to become aware[br]of your incompetence in the field.

0:07:30.225,0:07:32.101
So I got there with my burnout.

0:07:32.311,0:07:35.413
I'm pretty sure that you[br]can manage that more easily,

0:07:36.182,0:07:38.072
and then you work on the skill

0:07:38.078,0:07:40.798
until you manage it[br]to the level that you want.

0:07:41.614,0:07:45.444
And after a while,[br]you will even be able to apply it

0:07:45.819,0:07:47.699
without actively thinking about it.

0:07:48.144,0:07:50.568
Take for example, your driver's license.

0:07:50.745,0:07:52.614
After a while you stop thinking,

0:07:52.614,0:07:54.911
"Oh, I need to put in the next gear" -

0:07:54.911,0:07:56.281
you just do so.

0:07:56.501,0:07:59.259
Unconscious competence achieved.

0:07:59.516,0:08:03.245
Now, the tricky thing, though, is

0:08:03.245,0:08:07.951
to get from conscious incompetence[br]to conscious competence.

0:08:08.643,0:08:12.118
And we do that by learning [br]the basics of how a car works

0:08:12.118,0:08:13.478
and by practicing.

0:08:13.478,0:08:15.462
So in the beginning it may be difficult

0:08:15.462,0:08:18.643
to steer the wheel at the same time[br]as putting in the next gear,

0:08:18.643,0:08:21.245
but after a while, it gets easier.

0:08:21.745,0:08:26.651
And with emotional intelligence,[br]it's basically the same thing.

0:08:27.228,0:08:30.447
So I tried to compile my experiences

0:08:30.627,0:08:34.278
and came up with a six-step guide

0:08:34.495,0:08:38.837
that hopefully helps people[br]to get more emotionally intelligent.

0:08:39.372,0:08:41.682
And the first thing [br]that we need to do is

0:08:41.682,0:08:44.212
we need to acknowledge our emotions.

0:08:44.212,0:08:47.172
But not only as such[br]but as something valuable

0:08:47.172,0:08:49.082
because that's what they are.

0:08:49.424,0:08:52.945
According to research by António Damásio,

0:08:52.945,0:08:57.965
people whose brain parts that are[br]responsible for emotions have been damaged

0:08:57.985,0:09:02.660
found themselves even having [br]a harder time taking rational decisions.

0:09:03.025,0:09:05.154
That's how valuable they are.

0:09:05.951,0:09:11.351
And the very first small [br]but simple thing that you can do

0:09:11.351,0:09:13.158
is you can ask people

0:09:13.158,0:09:16.287
with genuine interest [br]how they are feeling.

0:09:17.412,0:09:21.357
And when you're asked, [br]answer with authenticity

0:09:21.357,0:09:23.854
when you feel good [br]but also when you feel bad,

0:09:24.009,0:09:28.795
so no "I'm fine", but also no complaining.

0:09:28.990,0:09:31.360
Instead of complaining[br]about your colleagues,

0:09:31.360,0:09:37.372
say, "I don't feel appreciated at work",[br]or whatever it comes down to -

0:09:37.732,0:09:39.722
make it an iMessage.

0:09:40.740,0:09:43.046
And when people show emotions,

0:09:43.602,0:09:46.367
tell them that it's okay to have those.

0:09:46.942,0:09:48.222
Talk about them.

0:09:48.878,0:09:54.574
Erase the taboo that I feel exists[br]in our society of talking about emotions,

0:09:54.867,0:09:57.096
because that's more often than not

0:09:57.096,0:10:01.011
the one thing that keeps us[br]from making the next step.

0:10:01.542,0:10:06.004
And the next step is differentiating[br]and analysing emotions.

0:10:06.402,0:10:12.689
So sometimes when we talk about[br]or express a feeling,

0:10:13.162,0:10:17.694
we substitute the original one[br]with one that we think we know better

0:10:17.702,0:10:19.822
or are better at handling.

0:10:20.401,0:10:23.991
But there are actually[br]a lot of different emotions

0:10:23.991,0:10:26.582
and all of them have their functions,

0:10:27.537,0:10:31.867
and all of them might also need you[br]to handle them differently.

0:10:32.018,0:10:35.096
Therefore, it's important[br]to get down to the core.

0:10:36.205,0:10:41.239
And then, you also need to accept[br]and appreciate all those emotions

0:10:41.811,0:10:44.035
because emotions are neither good nor bad.

0:10:44.207,0:10:47.091
They just gain connotation[br]through society.

0:10:47.583,0:10:52.112
Take, for example, grieving or sadness.

0:10:53.058,0:10:56.946
Why do we so desperately [br]try to cut it out of our lives?

0:10:57.577,0:11:01.847
Because actually, it's just[br]a very beautiful illustration

0:11:01.847,0:11:06.090
of the appreciation that we have[br]for someone or something.

0:11:08.111,0:11:10.690
Now, I approach all three steps

0:11:10.690,0:11:15.197
by writing my emotions down[br]in a journal just for that -

0:11:15.574,0:11:16.745
on need basis,

0:11:16.745,0:11:20.015
so not necessarily daily [br]but sometimes only every few weeks,

0:11:20.015,0:11:22.535
or maybe even only every few months.

0:11:23.285,0:11:28.014
Friends of mine do similar things [br]with apps if you want to be more modern.

0:11:29.161,0:11:32.997
And then there is the next step:

0:11:33.352,0:11:36.247
reflecting on your emotions[br]and their origin

0:11:36.410,0:11:40.423
because sometimes just knowing[br]why we feel the way you do

0:11:40.423,0:11:43.340
already helps us handle the feeling.

0:11:44.067,0:11:46.620
Again, for me covered[br]when I write them down

0:11:46.848,0:11:50.097
because it gives me time[br]to actively think about them.

0:11:52.997,0:11:55.792
And then you get to[br]handling your emotions,

0:11:55.968,0:11:59.261
because that’s what[br]it’s all about, isn’t it?

0:11:59.711,0:12:03.257
And as that, reflecting might[br]already suffice.

0:12:04.024,0:12:05.521
But it might not.

0:12:06.560,0:12:11.323
And you may still need to find your way [br]on how to handle your emotions.

0:12:11.957,0:12:14.252
Because there's more than [br]one way to skin a cat,

0:12:14.252,0:12:17.294
and I can only give you [br]a few examples of what I did.

0:12:17.294,0:12:18.548
And what helped me,

0:12:18.548,0:12:22.466
if not handle the emotion[br]but at least find out how to handle it ,

0:12:22.466,0:12:24.380
was writing it down

0:12:24.380,0:12:28.164
because it put distance [br]between me and my emotions.

0:12:28.753,0:12:30.732
There has even been a study conducted [br]

0:12:30.732,0:12:35.107
on the positive effects [br]of written expression of emotions,

0:12:35.107,0:12:36.827
by Pennebaker and Smyth,

0:12:36.841,0:12:40.546
and they published it in their book[br]"Opening Up by Writing It Down",

0:12:40.546,0:12:42.389
if you want to check it out.

0:12:43.046,0:12:45.736
Because that's actually [br]another thing that I do:

0:12:45.908,0:12:47.758
I read on the topic.

0:12:48.151,0:12:49.891
Currently, I'm reading

0:12:49.891,0:12:52.681
"The Language of Emotions",[br]by Karla McLaren.

0:12:53.542,0:12:56.149
Literally any book [br]by Brené Brown is good to go,

0:12:56.149,0:12:58.408
but there are so many more.

0:12:58.728,0:13:00.495
And I talk to friends.

0:13:00.725,0:13:03.892
I ask them, How do you[br]approach this situation?

0:13:03.892,0:13:06.849
How do you approach [br]that topic or this emotion?

0:13:07.665,0:13:11.421
And then, it's more or less [br]a trial-and-error principle.

0:13:11.682,0:13:13.243
Sometimes it may be sports, [br]

0:13:13.243,0:13:14.943
sometimes it may be meditation.

0:13:14.943,0:13:19.127
It's just important[br]that you find your individual way.

0:13:20.814,0:13:24.045
And then, handling the emotions of others.

0:13:24.307,0:13:27.219
And I'd say as soon as [br]you master your emotions,

0:13:27.219,0:13:30.426
but also in the process [br]of getting better at it,

0:13:30.426,0:13:32.736
you will find it easier and easier

0:13:32.736,0:13:34.512
to also handle the emotions of others

0:13:34.512,0:13:36.919
because you have [br]a different understanding.

0:13:37.109,0:13:40.814
And understanding [br]and awareness are the keys.

0:13:41.701,0:13:43.144
It gets even easier

0:13:43.144,0:13:48.615
because you can simply ask[br]the other person how you can support them

0:13:49.202,0:13:50.755
because they might know.

0:13:51.087,0:13:54.869
Or, you can also ask them [br]how they can support themselves,

0:13:55.137,0:13:59.376
because that way you know [br]only help them in the acute situation

0:13:59.631,0:14:03.976
but you actually help them [br]develop their emotional intelligence.

0:14:05.942,0:14:09.842
And then, when we have a few people [br]being emotionally intelligent,

0:14:09.842,0:14:14.469
we also need to think about [br]"How can we teach our next generation?"

0:14:15.694,0:14:19.353
And as a society, I feel the most [br]important thing that we need to do is

0:14:19.353,0:14:22.303
implement emotional education in school.

0:14:22.947,0:14:26.882
Teach children about the different[br]emotions and their functions.

0:14:27.427,0:14:30.651
Give them a space [br]to openly talk about them

0:14:30.920,0:14:33.220
so that they can [br]acknowledge their emotions.

0:14:33.506,0:14:36.825
Help them to accept and appreciate them.

0:14:37.330,0:14:39.256
To be honest, it's not that difficult.

0:14:39.256,0:14:40.876
Most of the things that I mention

0:14:40.876,0:14:43.406
can be easily put [br]into practice in schools.

0:14:43.656,0:14:47.094
I mean, how many books [br]have you read in school?

0:14:48.004,0:14:51.176
Why not make some of them [br]about emotional intelligence?

0:14:51.700,0:14:55.755
Or make kids work [br]on case studies together

0:14:55.755,0:14:59.489
so that they can exchange their ideas [br]on how to approach topics.

0:15:00.726,0:15:02.505
And if we're lucky,

0:15:03.097,0:15:08.070
they get out of school having learned[br]this fundamental and crucial skill

0:15:08.093,0:15:10.457
of emotional intelligence.

0:15:13.749,0:15:16.689
Imagine the world [br]that we would be living in.

0:15:18.130,0:15:22.280
If every one of us [br]was emotionally intelligent,

0:15:22.282,0:15:24.134
what do you think would change?

0:15:25.816,0:15:27.957
Being emotionally intelligent means

0:15:27.957,0:15:30.777
knowing and understanding yourself.

0:15:30.987,0:15:33.583
Thus, it helps you make better decisions.

0:15:33.893,0:15:36.797
It would spare us from [br]emotional suffering

0:15:36.797,0:15:38.993
because we know where it comes from

0:15:39.282,0:15:41.285
and we know how to handle it -

0:15:41.285,0:15:44.136
and maybe not even impose it upon others.

0:15:45.240,0:15:48.059
It would help us deal[br]with interpersonal relationships

0:15:48.059,0:15:50.909
because we also connect [br]on a different level.

0:15:51.631,0:15:55.291
And interpersonal relationships[br]are everywhere.

0:15:56.296,0:15:57.775
Just think about it.

0:15:58.263,0:16:02.655
What would it mean to have [br]an emotionally intelligent boss?

0:16:04.665,0:16:08.794
Or what would it mean to have [br]an emotionally intelligent parent?

0:16:10.956,0:16:13.477
If we were all emotionally intelligent,

0:16:13.477,0:16:16.065
how would we approach differences?

0:16:18.168,0:16:21.497
Or how would we approach topics [br]like mental health?

0:16:23.044,0:16:26.254
Or how would we approach conflicts?

0:16:29.353,0:16:32.444
Just imagine the world [br]that we would be living in -

0:16:33.389,0:16:35.652
a world full of mutual understanding,

0:16:35.652,0:16:38.654
acceptance, tolerance and connection -

0:16:39.735,0:16:41.785
a truly inclusive world.

0:16:43.145,0:16:45.821
How awesome would that be?

0:16:46.116,0:16:47.116
Thank you.

0:16:47.396,0:16:50.486
(Applause)