WEBVTT

00:00:12.053 --> 00:00:17.069
I want to start with 
doing a small survey with you.

00:00:17.773 --> 00:00:21.829
For that, please put 
your hands into your laps

00:00:25.433 --> 00:00:28.849
and close your eyes.

00:00:31.792 --> 00:00:34.551
I will now pose a couple of questions

00:00:34.802 --> 00:00:37.795
to which I would love to have 
a very honest answer

00:00:37.795 --> 00:00:39.815
just by a show of hands.

00:00:40.212 --> 00:00:43.106
No worries, no one will judge you for it.

00:00:43.542 --> 00:00:45.435
The first question is,


00:00:45.791 --> 00:00:49.858
Who of you has thought, 
within the past week,

00:00:50.192 --> 00:00:54.999
about whether or not you are 
an emotionally intelligent person?

00:00:58.812 --> 00:01:00.632
Now that you think of it, 


00:01:01.326 --> 00:01:04.572
would you consider yourself
emotionally intelligent?

00:01:04.832 --> 00:01:06.933
Please raise your hand if you do so.

00:01:09.990 --> 00:01:16.827
And who of you has ever worked 
consciously on your emotional skill?

00:01:20.733 --> 00:01:21.945
Thank you for sharing.

00:01:21.945 --> 00:01:23.765
You can now open your eyes again.

00:01:24.315 --> 00:01:28.236
And thank you also for being 
so very honest with me.

00:01:28.775 --> 00:01:31.265
Now I also want to be honest with you.

00:01:31.538 --> 00:01:36.314
Emotional intelligence is not 
necessarily my main strength.

00:01:37.712 --> 00:01:41.781
When I make decisions,
I based them solely on my rationale.

00:01:42.122 --> 00:01:44.990
If friends from school hear me 
do this talk right now,

00:01:45.268 --> 00:01:47.478
they will be very surprised
because back then,

00:01:47.478 --> 00:01:50.870
I didn't even consider emotions
as something crucial.

00:01:51.701 --> 00:01:53.023
They weren't logical.

00:01:53.023 --> 00:01:54.753
I couldn't explain them very well.

00:01:54.753 --> 00:01:56.473
So why would I care?

00:01:57.266 --> 00:02:03.045
I never even actively thought about
the topic until five years ago

00:02:04.018 --> 00:02:07.637
when I dropped out of a job
because of a burnout.

00:02:10.810 --> 00:02:14.408
It was then that my very 
emotional side was revealed,

00:02:15.115 --> 00:02:20.013
and while I rarely cried before,
especially not in front of people,

00:02:20.985 --> 00:02:24.857
I just couldn't stop the tears
from streaming down my face

00:02:24.868 --> 00:02:27.838
at the most inconvenient of times anymore.

00:02:28.782 --> 00:02:30.615
Several times a day,

00:02:30.825 --> 00:02:34.546
I went to the restroom
just to hide my suffering.

00:02:36.227 --> 00:02:40.060
And that made very clear to me
that I need to work on this issue.

00:02:40.807 --> 00:02:42.089
But now, what is it,

00:02:42.089 --> 00:02:46.058
this mysterious emotional intelligence?

00:02:47.537 --> 00:02:49.294
When most people think of it,

00:02:49.294 --> 00:02:51.782
they stop at the term "emotional".

00:02:52.460 --> 00:02:54.416
What do you connect to it?

00:02:55.637 --> 00:02:58.131
I'd say it has a bad connotation,

00:02:58.131 --> 00:03:02.121
describing a person having
or expressing strong feelings.

00:03:02.462 --> 00:03:08.362
And this connotation is also then,
therefore, emotional intelligence,

00:03:09.079 --> 00:03:11.966
a misconception that I had as well.

00:03:12.533 --> 00:03:15.148
However, it's crucial to differentiate

00:03:15.148 --> 00:03:19.544
between emotional and the value
that emotional intelligence can have,

00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:24.165
because emotional intelligence
is something fundamentally different.

00:03:24.756 --> 00:03:30.197
It's the ability to identify and manage
your emotions and those of others,

00:03:30.611 --> 00:03:33.909
and it's set to include three skills.

00:03:34.408 --> 00:03:37.066
First, emotional awareness,

00:03:37.406 --> 00:03:41.686
so empathy towards others 
but also towards the self.

00:03:42.645 --> 00:03:46.595
Second, the ability to harness emotions

00:03:46.604 --> 00:03:49.689
and apply them to tasks
like problem solving.

00:03:50.663 --> 00:03:54.199
And third, the ability to manage emotions,

00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:56.759
which includes regulating
your own emotions

00:03:56.877 --> 00:04:00.547
but also calming down
or cheering up other people.

00:04:01.770 --> 00:04:03.955
As you can clearly see by this contrast,

00:04:04.526 --> 00:04:07.866
very emotional people do not
necessarily or automatically

00:04:08.301 --> 00:04:10.230
have a high emotional intelligence,

00:04:10.420 --> 00:04:14.017
because they may only
display their emotions freely

00:04:14.017 --> 00:04:17.880
without thinking about
or knowing why they have them.

00:04:18.435 --> 00:04:20.084
And maybe not even considering

00:04:20.084 --> 00:04:23.734
the appropriateness of showing them
in the respective situation.

00:04:25.140 --> 00:04:31.919
Now, lacking emotional intelligence
as a kid or teenager meant for me

00:04:32.206 --> 00:04:37.184
that I would channel things
like loneliness or fear

00:04:37.666 --> 00:04:40.141
sometimes into aggression.

00:04:40.520 --> 00:04:45.853
My family background -
well, let's say - is improvable.

00:04:46.587 --> 00:04:49.444
So, instead of finding
the support that I'd need,

00:04:49.669 --> 00:04:53.672
I'd rather get it on the basis
of "Oh, don't be such a crybaby"

00:04:53.672 --> 00:04:55.147
than anything else.

00:04:55.508 --> 00:04:58.568
My parents didn't teach me
the value of emotions.

00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:02.547
Therefore, losing friends or breakups

00:05:02.751 --> 00:05:05.233
would hit me harder than many others

00:05:05.233 --> 00:05:07.955
because I could neither 
fully understand my emotions,

00:05:07.955 --> 00:05:09.865
nor those of the others.

00:05:10.345 --> 00:05:11.913
They just didn't make sense.

00:05:12.044 --> 00:05:15.316
I thought I'm not supposed
to feel that way,

00:05:15.624 --> 00:05:20.277
because I've never learned
how to deal with emotions.

00:05:20.980 --> 00:05:24.099
And with time passing, I realised

00:05:24.415 --> 00:05:27.785
I'm just one of many people 
having this issue.

00:05:28.465 --> 00:05:33.669
Have you ever thought about
why people judge or bully each other,

00:05:34.423 --> 00:05:41.043
beat kids, or at work, or even in
toxic friendships or relationships?

00:05:41.815 --> 00:05:47.091
And it can be anything,
ranging from sexism to racism.

00:05:49.681 --> 00:05:54.091
It's because of insecurity
due to a lack of emotional intelligence,

00:05:54.098 --> 00:05:57.018
because it's hard 
to understand the difference

00:05:57.027 --> 00:05:59.037
between yourself and someone else,

00:05:59.569 --> 00:06:03.115
And it's even harder to connect
on an emotional level,

00:06:03.115 --> 00:06:06.257
to truly comprehend
where someone else is coming from.

00:06:07.201 --> 00:06:09.191
And in order to change that,

00:06:09.327 --> 00:06:13.244
we first of all need to consider
emotional intelligence

00:06:13.693 --> 00:06:16.214
as a crucial skill in our society,

00:06:16.617 --> 00:06:20.277
and then also take the time
to consciously work on it.

00:06:21.838 --> 00:06:24.784
Currently, we do neither.

00:06:25.450 --> 00:06:28.579
And we also don't give
our kids, for example,

00:06:28.579 --> 00:06:32.250
the space to learn the skill.

00:06:33.407 --> 00:06:37.027
Kids nowadays - they are supposed
to be good in school,

00:06:37.029 --> 00:06:40.049
do sports, play an instrument,
learn a foreign language,

00:06:40.071 --> 00:06:42.591
and maybe even some additional things.

00:06:43.695 --> 00:06:46.704
They don't get the chance
to get to know who they are,

00:06:46.704 --> 00:06:49.664
connect to themselves, 
and to their emotions.

00:06:50.230 --> 00:06:54.530
And a fundamental part
of being emotionally intelligent

00:06:54.817 --> 00:06:57.638
means knowing who you are.

00:06:58.538 --> 00:07:00.354
And for them to learn,

00:07:00.653 --> 00:07:04.754
we also need to learn it ourselves
to be the role model that they need.

00:07:05.729 --> 00:07:08.219
Now you might be thinking, "Yeah, sure,

00:07:08.521 --> 00:07:14.746
but how do we approach this topic -
individually, but also as a society?"

00:07:15.441 --> 00:07:19.331
And basically it comes down to
what everything comes down to:

00:07:19.648 --> 00:07:21.398
we need to learn a new skill.

00:07:21.782 --> 00:07:24.652
So, when you learn a new skill,

00:07:24.970 --> 00:07:29.805
you first of all need to become aware
of your incompetence in the field.

00:07:30.225 --> 00:07:32.101
So I got there with my burnout.

00:07:32.311 --> 00:07:35.413
I'm pretty sure that you
can manage that more easily,

00:07:36.182 --> 00:07:38.072
and then you work on the skill

00:07:38.078 --> 00:07:40.798
until you manage it
to the level that you want.

00:07:41.614 --> 00:07:45.444
And after a while,
you will even be able to apply it

00:07:45.819 --> 00:07:47.699
without actively thinking about it.

00:07:48.144 --> 00:07:50.568
Take for example, your driver's license.

00:07:50.745 --> 00:07:52.614
After a while you stop thinking,

00:07:52.614 --> 00:07:54.911
"Oh, I need to put in the next gear" -

00:07:54.911 --> 00:07:56.281
you just do so.

00:07:56.501 --> 00:07:59.259
Unconscious competence achieved.

00:07:59.516 --> 00:08:03.245
Now, the tricky thing, though, is

00:08:03.245 --> 00:08:07.951
to get from conscious incompetence
to conscious competence.

00:08:08.643 --> 00:08:12.118
And we do that by learning 
the basics of how a car works

00:08:12.118 --> 00:08:13.478
and by practicing.

00:08:13.478 --> 00:08:15.462
So in the beginning it may be difficult

00:08:15.462 --> 00:08:18.643
to steer the wheel at the same time
as putting in the next gear,

00:08:18.643 --> 00:08:21.245
but after a while, it gets easier.

00:08:21.745 --> 00:08:26.651
And with emotional intelligence,
it's basically the same thing.

00:08:27.228 --> 00:08:30.447
So I tried to compile my experiences

00:08:30.627 --> 00:08:34.278
and came up with a six-step guide

00:08:34.495 --> 00:08:38.837
that hopefully helps people
to get more emotionally intelligent.

00:08:39.372 --> 00:08:41.682
And the first thing 
that we need to do is

00:08:41.682 --> 00:08:44.212
we need to acknowledge our emotions.

00:08:44.212 --> 00:08:47.172
But not only as such
but as something valuable

00:08:47.172 --> 00:08:49.082
because that's what they are.

00:08:49.424 --> 00:08:52.945
According to research by António Damásio,

00:08:52.945 --> 00:08:57.965
people whose brain parts that are
responsible for emotions have been damaged

00:08:57.985 --> 00:09:02.660
found themselves even having 
a harder time taking rational decisions.

00:09:03.025 --> 00:09:05.154
That's how valuable they are.

00:09:05.951 --> 00:09:11.351
And the very first small 
but simple thing that you can do

00:09:11.351 --> 00:09:13.158
is you can ask people

00:09:13.158 --> 00:09:16.287
with genuine interest 
how they are feeling.

00:09:17.412 --> 00:09:21.357
And when you're asked, 
answer with authenticity

00:09:21.357 --> 00:09:23.854
when you feel good 
but also when you feel bad,

00:09:24.009 --> 00:09:28.795
so no "I'm fine", but also no complaining.

00:09:28.990 --> 00:09:31.360
Instead of complaining
about your colleagues,

00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:37.372
say, "I don't feel appreciated at work",
or whatever it comes down to -

00:09:37.732 --> 00:09:39.722
make it an iMessage.

00:09:40.740 --> 00:09:43.046
And when people show emotions,

00:09:43.602 --> 00:09:46.367
tell them that it's okay to have those.

00:09:46.942 --> 00:09:48.222
Talk about them.

00:09:48.878 --> 00:09:54.574
Erase the taboo that I feel exists
in our society of talking about emotions,

00:09:54.867 --> 00:09:57.096
because that's more often than not

00:09:57.096 --> 00:10:01.011
the one thing that keeps us
from making the next step.

00:10:01.542 --> 00:10:06.004
And the next step is differentiating
and analysing emotions.

00:10:06.402 --> 00:10:12.689
So sometimes when we talk about
or express a feeling,

00:10:13.162 --> 00:10:17.694
we substitute the original one
with one that we think we know better

00:10:17.702 --> 00:10:19.822
or are better at handling.

00:10:20.401 --> 00:10:23.991
But there are actually
a lot of different emotions

00:10:23.991 --> 00:10:26.582
and all of them have their functions,

00:10:27.537 --> 00:10:31.867
and all of them might also need you
to handle them differently.

00:10:32.018 --> 00:10:35.096
Therefore, it's important
to get down to the core.

00:10:36.205 --> 00:10:41.239
And then, you also need to accept
and appreciate all those emotions

00:10:41.811 --> 00:10:44.035
because emotions are neither good nor bad.

00:10:44.207 --> 00:10:47.091
They just gain connotation
through society.

00:10:47.583 --> 00:10:52.112
Take, for example, grieving or sadness.

00:10:53.058 --> 00:10:56.946
Why do we so desperately 
try to cut it out of our lives?

00:10:57.577 --> 00:11:01.847
Because actually, it's just
a very beautiful illustration

00:11:01.847 --> 00:11:06.090
of the appreciation that we have
for someone or something.

00:11:08.111 --> 00:11:10.690
Now, I approach all three steps

00:11:10.690 --> 00:11:15.197
by writing my emotions down
in a journal just for that -

00:11:15.574 --> 00:11:16.745
on need basis,

00:11:16.745 --> 00:11:20.015
so not necessarily daily 
but sometimes only every few weeks,

00:11:20.015 --> 00:11:22.535
or maybe even only every few months.

00:11:23.285 --> 00:11:28.014
Friends of mine do similar things 
with apps if you want to be more modern.

00:11:29.161 --> 00:11:32.997
And then there is the next step:

00:11:33.352 --> 00:11:36.247
reflecting on your emotions
and their origin

00:11:36.410 --> 00:11:40.423
because sometimes just knowing
why we feel the way you do

00:11:40.423 --> 00:11:43.340
already helps us handle the feeling.

00:11:44.067 --> 00:11:46.620
Again, for me covered
when I write them down

00:11:46.848 --> 00:11:50.097
because it gives me time
to actively think about them.

00:11:52.997 --> 00:11:55.792
And then you get to
handling your emotions,

00:11:55.968 --> 00:11:59.261
because that’s what
it’s all about, isn’t it?

00:11:59.711 --> 00:12:03.257
And as that, reflecting might
already suffice.

00:12:04.024 --> 00:12:05.521
But it might not.

00:12:06.560 --> 00:12:11.323
And you may still need to find your way 
on how to handle your emotions.

00:12:11.957 --> 00:12:14.252
Because there's more than 
one way to skin a cat,

00:12:14.252 --> 00:12:17.294
and I can only give you 
a few examples of what I did.

00:12:17.294 --> 00:12:18.548
And what helped me,

00:12:18.548 --> 00:12:22.466
if not handle the emotion
but at least find out how to handle it ,

00:12:22.466 --> 00:12:24.380
was writing it down

00:12:24.380 --> 00:12:28.164
because it put distance 
between me and my emotions.

00:12:28.753 --> 00:12:30.732
There has even been a study conducted 


00:12:30.732 --> 00:12:35.107
on the positive effects 
of written expression of emotions,

00:12:35.107 --> 00:12:36.827
by Pennebaker and Smyth,

00:12:36.841 --> 00:12:40.546
and they published it in their book
"Opening Up by Writing It Down",

00:12:40.546 --> 00:12:42.389
if you want to check it out.

00:12:43.046 --> 00:12:45.736
Because that's actually 
another thing that I do:

00:12:45.908 --> 00:12:47.758
I read on the topic.

00:12:48.151 --> 00:12:49.891
Currently, I'm reading

00:12:49.891 --> 00:12:52.681
"The Language of Emotions",
by Karla McLaren.

00:12:53.542 --> 00:12:56.149
Literally any book 
by Brené Brown is good to go,

00:12:56.149 --> 00:12:58.408
but there are so many more.

00:12:58.728 --> 00:13:00.495
And I talk to friends.

00:13:00.725 --> 00:13:03.892
I ask them, How do you
approach this situation?

00:13:03.892 --> 00:13:06.849
How do you approach 
that topic or this emotion?

00:13:07.665 --> 00:13:11.421
And then, it's more or less 
a trial-and-error principle.

00:13:11.682 --> 00:13:13.243
Sometimes it may be sports, 


00:13:13.243 --> 00:13:14.943
sometimes it may be meditation.

00:13:14.943 --> 00:13:19.127
It's just important
that you find your individual way.

00:13:20.814 --> 00:13:24.045
And then, handling the emotions of others.

00:13:24.307 --> 00:13:27.219
And I'd say as soon as 
you master your emotions,

00:13:27.219 --> 00:13:30.426
but also in the process 
of getting better at it,

00:13:30.426 --> 00:13:32.736
you will find it easier and easier

00:13:32.736 --> 00:13:34.512
to also handle the emotions of others

00:13:34.512 --> 00:13:36.919
because you have 
a different understanding.

00:13:37.109 --> 00:13:40.814
And understanding 
and awareness are the keys.

00:13:41.701 --> 00:13:43.144
It gets even easier

00:13:43.144 --> 00:13:48.615
because you can simply ask
the other person how you can support them

00:13:49.202 --> 00:13:50.755
because they might know.

00:13:51.087 --> 00:13:54.869
Or, you can also ask them 
how they can support themselves,

00:13:55.137 --> 00:13:59.376
because that way you know 
only help them in the acute situation

00:13:59.631 --> 00:14:03.976
but you actually help them 
develop their emotional intelligence.

00:14:05.942 --> 00:14:09.842
And then, when we have a few people 
being emotionally intelligent,

00:14:09.842 --> 00:14:14.469
we also need to think about 
"How can we teach our next generation?"

00:14:15.694 --> 00:14:19.353
And as a society, I feel the most 
important thing that we need to do is

00:14:19.353 --> 00:14:22.303
implement emotional education in school.

00:14:22.947 --> 00:14:26.882
Teach children about the different
emotions and their functions.

00:14:27.427 --> 00:14:30.651
Give them a space 
to openly talk about them

00:14:30.920 --> 00:14:33.220
so that they can 
acknowledge their emotions.

00:14:33.506 --> 00:14:36.825
Help them to accept and appreciate them.

00:14:37.330 --> 00:14:39.256
To be honest, it's not that difficult.

00:14:39.256 --> 00:14:40.876
Most of the things that I mention

00:14:40.876 --> 00:14:43.406
can be easily put 
into practice in schools.

00:14:43.656 --> 00:14:47.094
I mean, how many books 
have you read in school?

00:14:48.004 --> 00:14:51.176
Why not make some of them 
about emotional intelligence?

00:14:51.700 --> 00:14:55.755
Or make kids work 
on case studies together

00:14:55.755 --> 00:14:59.489
so that they can exchange their ideas 
on how to approach topics.

00:15:00.726 --> 00:15:02.505
And if we're lucky,

00:15:03.097 --> 00:15:08.070
they get out of school having learned
this fundamental and crucial skill

00:15:08.093 --> 00:15:10.457
of emotional intelligence.

00:15:13.749 --> 00:15:16.689
Imagine the world 
that we would be living in.

00:15:18.130 --> 00:15:22.280
If every one of us 
was emotionally intelligent,

00:15:22.282 --> 00:15:24.134
what do you think would change?

00:15:25.816 --> 00:15:27.957
Being emotionally intelligent means

00:15:27.957 --> 00:15:30.777
knowing and understanding yourself.

00:15:30.987 --> 00:15:33.583
Thus, it helps you make better decisions.

00:15:33.893 --> 00:15:36.797
It would spare us from 
emotional suffering

00:15:36.797 --> 00:15:38.993
because we know where it comes from

00:15:39.282 --> 00:15:41.285
and we know how to handle it -

00:15:41.285 --> 00:15:44.136
and maybe not even impose it upon others.

00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:48.059
It would help us deal
with interpersonal relationships

00:15:48.059 --> 00:15:50.909
because we also connect 
on a different level.

00:15:51.631 --> 00:15:55.291
And interpersonal relationships
are everywhere.

00:15:56.296 --> 00:15:57.775
Just think about it.

00:15:58.263 --> 00:16:02.655
What would it mean to have 
an emotionally intelligent boss?

00:16:04.665 --> 00:16:08.794
Or what would it mean to have 
an emotionally intelligent parent?

00:16:10.956 --> 00:16:13.477
If we were all emotionally intelligent,

00:16:13.477 --> 00:16:16.065
how would we approach differences?

00:16:18.168 --> 00:16:21.497
Or how would we approach topics 
like mental health?

00:16:23.044 --> 00:16:26.254
Or how would we approach conflicts?

00:16:29.353 --> 00:16:32.444
Just imagine the world 
that we would be living in -

00:16:33.389 --> 00:16:35.652
a world full of mutual understanding,

00:16:35.652 --> 00:16:38.654
acceptance, tolerance and connection -

00:16:39.735 --> 00:16:41.785
a truly inclusive world.

00:16:43.145 --> 00:16:45.821
How awesome would that be?

00:16:46.116 --> 00:16:47.116
Thank you.

00:16:47.396 --> 00:16:50.486
(Applause)