0:00:01.720,0:00:03.096
Hello.

0:00:03.120,0:00:04.320
My name is Simone.

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You know how people tell you[br]if you get nervous when onstage,

0:00:08.600,0:00:11.096
picture people in the audience naked?

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Like it's this thing that's supposed[br]to make you feel better.

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But I was thinking --

0:00:15.800,0:00:21.216
picturing all of you naked in 2018[br]feels kind of weird and wrong.

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Like, we're working really hard[br]on moving past stuff like that,

0:00:24.280,0:00:26.896
so we need a new method of dealing with

0:00:26.920,0:00:29.056
if you get nervous onstage.

0:00:29.080,0:00:31.216
And I realized that what I'd really like

0:00:31.240,0:00:35.296
is that I can look at you[br]as much as you're looking at me --

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just to even things out a little bit.

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So if I had way more eyeballs,

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then we'd all be[br]really comfortable, right?

0:00:43.320,0:00:47.056
So in preparation for this talk,[br]I made myself a shirt.

0:00:47.230,0:00:50.230
(Rattling)

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(Laughter)

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It's googly eyes.

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It took me 14 hours

0:01:02.920,0:01:06.616
and 227 googly eyes to make this shirt.

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And being able to look at you[br]as much as you're looking at me

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is actually only half[br]of the reason I made this.

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The other half is being able to do this.

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(Googly eyes rattle)

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(Laughter)

0:01:16.840,0:01:18.576
So I do a lot of things like this.

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I see a problem and I invent[br]some sort of solution to it.

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For example, brushing your teeth.

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Like, it's this thing we all have to do,[br]it's kind of boring,

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and nobody really likes it.

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If there were any[br]seven-year-olds in the audience,

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they'd be like, "Yes!"

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So what about if you had[br]a machine that could do it for you?

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(Laughter)

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I call it ...

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I call it "The Toothbrush Helmet."

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(Laughter)

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(Robot arm buzzing)

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So my toothbrush helmet is recommended[br]by zero out of 10 dentists,

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and it definitely did not[br]revolutionize the world of dentistry,

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but it did completely change my life.

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Because I finished making this toothbrush[br]helmet three years ago

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and after I finished making it,

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I went into my living room[br]and I put up a camera,

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and I filmed a seven-second[br]clip of it working.

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And by now,

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this is a pretty standard[br]modern-day fairy tale

0:02:33.920,0:02:36.136
of girl posting on the internet,

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the internet takes the girl by storm,

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thousands of men voyage[br]into the comment sections

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to ask for her hand in marriage --

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(Laughter)

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She ignores all of them,[br]starts a YouTube channel

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and keeps on building robots.

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Since then, I've carved out this little[br]niche for myself on the internet

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as an inventor of useless machines,

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because as we all know,

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the easiest way[br]to be at the top of your field

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is to choose a very small field.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So I run a YouTube channel[br]about my machines,

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and I've done things[br]like cutting hair with drones --

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(Drone buzzes)

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(Laughter)

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(Drone crashes)

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(Laughter)

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(Drone buzzes)

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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To a machine that helps me[br]wake up in the morning --

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(Alarm)

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(Laughter)

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(Video) Simone: Ow!

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To this machine[br]that helps me chop vegetables.

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(Knives chop)

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I'm not an engineer.

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I did not study engineering in school.

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But I was a super ambitious[br]student growing up.

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In middle school and high school,[br]I had straight A's,

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and I graduated at the top of my year.

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On the flip side of that,

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I struggled with very severe[br]performance anxiety.

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Here's an email I sent[br]to my brother around that time.

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"You won't understand[br]how difficult it is for me to tell you,

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to confess this.

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I'm so freaking embarrassed.

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I don't want people[br]to think that I'm stupid.

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Now I'm starting to cry too.

0:04:14.640,0:04:16.096
Damn."

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And no, I did not accidentally burn[br]our parents' house down.

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The thing I'm writing about in the email[br]and the thing I'm so upset about

0:04:24.000,0:04:26.240
is that I got a B on a math test.

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So something obviously happened[br]between here and here.

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(Laughter)

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One of those things was puberty.

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(Laughter)

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Beautiful time indeed.

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But moreover,

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I got interested in building robots,

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and I wanted to teach myself[br]about hardware.

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But building things with hardware,[br]especially if you're teaching yourself,

0:04:51.360,0:04:53.736
is something that's really[br]difficult to do.

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It has a high likelihood of failure

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and moreover,

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it has a high likelihood[br]of making you feel stupid.

0:04:59.720,0:05:01.840
And that was my biggest fear at the time.

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So I came up with a setup that would[br]guarantee success 100 percent of the time.

0:05:08.920,0:05:12.296
With my setup, it would be[br]nearly impossible to fail.

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And that was that instead[br]of trying to succeed,

0:05:15.320,0:05:17.880
I was going to try to build[br]things that would fail.

0:05:19.360,0:05:21.616
And even though I didn't[br]realize it at the time,

0:05:21.640,0:05:25.576
building stupid things[br]was actually quite smart,

0:05:25.600,0:05:28.256
because as I kept on[br]learning about hardware,

0:05:28.280,0:05:29.736
for the first time in my life,

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I did not have to deal[br]with my performance anxiety.

0:05:32.880,0:05:36.576
And as soon as I removed[br]all pressure and expectations from myself,

0:05:36.600,0:05:39.976
that pressure quickly[br]got replaced by enthusiasm,

0:05:40.000,0:05:41.760
and it allowed me to just play.

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So as an inventor,

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I'm interested in things[br]that people struggle with.

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It can be small things or big things[br]or medium-sized things

0:05:50.200,0:05:54.736
and something like giving a TED talk[br]presents this whole new set of problems

0:05:54.760,0:05:56.256
that I can solve.

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And identifying a problem[br]is the first step in my process

0:05:59.400,0:06:00.880
of building a useless machine.

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So before I came here,

0:06:03.080,0:06:06.656
I sat down and I thought of some[br]of the potential problems I might have

0:06:06.680,0:06:07.960
in giving this talk.

0:06:08.720,0:06:10.000
Forgetting what to say.

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That people won't laugh --

0:06:12.800,0:06:14.000
that's you.

0:06:15.080,0:06:16.296
Or even worse,

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that you'll laugh at the wrong things --

0:06:19.480,0:06:21.056
that was an OK part to laugh at,

0:06:21.080,0:06:22.296
thank you.

0:06:22.320,0:06:23.336
(Laughter)

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Or that when I get nervous,[br]my hands start shaking

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and I'm really self-conscious about it.

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Or that my fly has been[br]open this entire time

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and all of you noticed but I didn't,

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but it's closed so we're[br]all good on that one.

0:06:36.160,0:06:39.616
But one thing I'm actually really[br]nervous about is my hands shaking.

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I remember when I was a kid,

0:06:41.840,0:06:43.536
giving presentations in school,

0:06:43.560,0:06:45.656
I would have my notes on a piece of paper,

0:06:45.680,0:06:49.136
and I would put a notebook[br]behind the paper

0:06:49.160,0:06:52.416
so that people wouldn't be able[br]to see the paper quivering.

0:06:52.440,0:06:54.160
And I give a lot of talks.

0:06:55.000,0:06:59.056
I know that about half of you[br]in the audience are probably like,

0:06:59.080,0:07:01.056
"Building useless machines is really fun,

0:07:01.080,0:07:03.736
but how is this in any way[br]or form a business?"

0:07:03.760,0:07:05.696
And giving talks is a part of it.

0:07:05.720,0:07:08.776
And the arrangers always put out[br]a glass of water for you onstage

0:07:08.800,0:07:11.136
so you have something to drink[br]if you get thirsty,

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and I always so badly[br]want to drink that water,

0:07:15.080,0:07:16.936
but I don't dare to pick the glass up

0:07:16.960,0:07:20.256
because then people might be able[br]to see that my hands are shaking.

0:07:20.280,0:07:24.376
So what about a machine[br]that hands you a glass of water?

0:07:24.400,0:07:27.576
Sold to the nervous girl[br]in the googly-eye shirt.

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Actually, I need to take this off[br]because I have a thing --

0:07:31.440,0:07:34.320
(Googly eyes rattle)

0:07:39.400,0:07:40.816
Oh.

0:07:40.840,0:07:42.336
(Clanking)

0:07:42.360,0:07:45.120
(Laughter)

0:07:53.480,0:07:56.456
I still don't know what to call this,

0:07:56.480,0:08:00.016
but I think some sort of[br]"head orbit device,"

0:08:00.040,0:08:03.056
because it rotates[br]this platform around you

0:08:03.080,0:08:04.576
and you can put anything on it.

0:08:04.600,0:08:08.416
You can have a camera;[br]you can get photos of your entire head.

0:08:08.440,0:08:12.336
Like it's really --[br]it's a very versatile machine.

0:08:12.360,0:08:14.056
(Laughter)

0:08:14.080,0:08:15.976
OK, and I have --

0:08:16.000,0:08:18.416
I mean, you can put[br]some snacks on it, for example,

0:08:18.440,0:08:19.696
if you want to.

0:08:19.720,0:08:21.536
I have some popcorn here.

0:08:21.560,0:08:26.040
And you just put a little bit like that.

0:08:27.000,0:08:28.536
And then you want to --

0:08:28.560,0:08:31.376
there's some sacrifices for science --

0:08:31.400,0:08:34.456
just some popcorn falling on the floor.

0:08:34.480,0:08:35.895
Let's do the long way around.

0:08:35.919,0:08:37.616
(Robot buzzes)

0:08:37.640,0:08:39.416
(Laughter)

0:08:39.440,0:08:41.015
And then you have a little hand.

0:08:41.039,0:08:42.856
You need to adjust the height of it,

0:08:42.880,0:08:44.456
and you just do it by shrugging.

0:08:44.480,0:08:46.376
(Laughter)

0:08:46.400,0:08:47.616
(Applause)

0:08:47.640,0:08:48.896
It has a little hand.

0:08:48.920,0:08:50.136
(Hand thwacks)

0:08:50.160,0:08:51.376
(Laughter)

0:08:51.400,0:08:54.960
(Applause)

0:08:59.480,0:09:02.176
I just bumped my mic off,

0:09:02.200,0:09:04.120
but I think we're all good.

0:09:05.240,0:09:07.656
OK, also I need to chew this popcorn,

0:09:07.680,0:09:10.616
so if you guys could[br]just clap your hands a little bit more --

0:09:10.640,0:09:14.736
(Applause)

0:09:14.760,0:09:17.576
OK, so it's like your own[br]little personal solar system,

0:09:17.600,0:09:19.496
because I'm a millennial,

0:09:19.520,0:09:21.976
so I want everything to revolve around me.

0:09:22.000,0:09:25.056
(Laughter)

0:09:25.080,0:09:27.696
Back to the glass of water,[br]that's what we're here for.

0:09:27.720,0:09:29.776
So, I promise -- I mean, it still has --

0:09:29.800,0:09:31.376
it doesn't have any water in it,

0:09:31.400,0:09:32.896
I'm sorry.

0:09:32.920,0:09:37.496
But I still need to work[br]on this machine a little bit

0:09:37.520,0:09:40.776
because I still need to pick up the glass[br]and put it on the platform,

0:09:40.800,0:09:42.816
but if your hands[br]are shaking a little bit,

0:09:42.840,0:09:44.096
nobody's going to notice

0:09:44.120,0:09:47.016
because you're wearing[br]a very mesmerizing piece of equipment.

0:09:47.040,0:09:48.456
So, we're all good.

0:09:48.480,0:09:49.680
OK.

0:09:50.146,0:09:51.296
(Robot buzzes)

0:09:51.320,0:09:52.760
(Singing)

0:09:53.800,0:09:56.296
Oh no, it got stuck.

0:09:56.320,0:09:59.480
Isn't it comforting that even robots[br]sometimes get stage fright?

0:10:00.200,0:10:02.040
It just gets stuck a little bit.

0:10:03.480,0:10:04.960
It's very human of them.

0:10:05.880,0:10:08.496
Oh wait, let's go back a little bit,

0:10:08.520,0:10:09.736
and then --

0:10:09.760,0:10:10.976
(Glass falls)

0:10:11.000,0:10:13.176
(Laughter)

0:10:13.200,0:10:15.656
Isn't it a beautiful time to be alive?

0:10:15.680,0:10:17.936
(Laughter)

0:10:17.960,0:10:22.560
(Applause)

0:10:24.680,0:10:29.296
So as much as my machines can seem[br]like simple engineering slapstick,

0:10:29.320,0:10:32.736
I realize that I stumbled[br]on something bigger than that.

0:10:32.760,0:10:37.656
It's this expression of joy and humility[br]that often gets lost in engineering,

0:10:37.680,0:10:40.216
and for me it was a way[br]to learn about hardware

0:10:40.240,0:10:43.040
without having my performance[br]anxiety get in the way.

0:10:44.040,0:10:47.656
I often get asked if I think I'm ever[br]going to build something useful,

0:10:47.680,0:10:49.200
and maybe someday I will.

0:10:50.440,0:10:51.736
But the way I see it,

0:10:51.760,0:10:53.056
I already have

0:10:53.080,0:10:55.440
because I've built myself this job

0:10:56.320,0:10:59.176
and it's something that I could[br]never have planned for,

0:10:59.200,0:11:00.416
or that I could --

0:11:00.440,0:11:04.560
(Applause)

0:11:06.000,0:11:08.416
It's something that I could[br]never have planned for.

0:11:08.440,0:11:11.976
Instead it happened just because[br]I was enthusiastic about what I was doing,

0:11:12.000,0:11:14.736
and I was sharing that enthusiasm[br]with other people.

0:11:14.760,0:11:18.136
To me that's the true beauty[br]of making useless things,

0:11:18.160,0:11:20.176
because it's this acknowledgment

0:11:20.200,0:11:22.600
that you don't always know[br]what the best answer is.

0:11:23.160,0:11:25.496
And it turns off that voice in your head

0:11:25.520,0:11:28.976
that tells you that you know[br]exactly how the world works.

0:11:29.000,0:11:31.336
And maybe a toothbrush helmet[br]isn't the answer,

0:11:31.360,0:11:33.296
but at least you're asking the question.

0:11:33.320,0:11:34.536
Thank you.

0:11:34.560,0:11:38.600
(Applause)