1
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Hello.

2
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My name is Simone.

3
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You know how people tell you
if you get nervous when onstage,

4
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picture people in the audience naked?

5
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Like it's this thing that's supposed
to make you feel better.

6
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But I was thinking --

7
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picturing all of you naked in 2018
feels kind of weird and wrong.

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Like, we're working really hard
on moving past stuff like that,

9
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so we need a new method of dealing with

10
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if you get nervous onstage.

11
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And I realized that what I'd really like

12
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is that I can look at you
as much as you're looking at me --

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just to even things out a little bit.

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So if I had way more eyeballs,

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then we'd all be
really comfortable, right?

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So in preparation for this talk,
I made myself a shirt.

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(Rattling)

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(Laughter)

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It's googly eyes.

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It took me 14 hours

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and 227 googly eyes to make this shirt.

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And being able to look at you
as much as you're looking at me

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is actually only half
of the reason I made this.

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The other half is being able to do this.

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(Googly eyes rattle)

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(Laughter)

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So I do a lot of things like this.

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I see a problem and I invent
some sort of solution to it.

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For example, brushing your teeth.

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Like, it's this thing we all have to do,
it's kind of boring,

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and nobody really likes it.

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If there were any
seven-year-olds in the audience,

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they'd be like, "Yes!"

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So what about if you had
a machine that could do it for you?

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(Laughter)

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I call it ...

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I call it "The Toothbrush Helmet."

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(Laughter)

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(Robot arm buzzing)

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(Laughter)

41
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(Applause)

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So my toothbrush helmet is recommended
by zero out of 10 dentists,

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and it definitely did not
revolutionize the world of dentistry,

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but it did completely change my life.

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Because I finished making this toothbrush
helmet three years ago

46
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and after I finished making it,

47
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I went into my living room
and I put up a camera,

48
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and I filmed a seven-second
clip of it working.

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And by now,

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this is a pretty standard
modern-day fairy tale

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of girl posting on the internet,

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the internet takes the girl by storm,

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thousands of men voyage
into the comment sections

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to ask for her hand in marriage --

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(Laughter)

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She ignores all of them,
starts a YouTube channel

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and keeps on building robots.

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Since then, I've carved out this little
niche for myself on the internet

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as an inventor of useless machines,

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because as we all know,

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the easiest way
to be at the top of your field

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is to choose a very small field.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So I run a YouTube channel
about my machines,

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and I've done things
like cutting hair with drones --

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(Drone buzzes)

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(Laughter)

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(Drone crashes)

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(Laughter)

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(Drone buzzes)

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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To a machine that helps me
wake up in the morning --

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(Alarm)

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(Laughter)

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(Video) Simone: Ow!

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To this machine
that helps me chop vegetables.

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(Knives chop)

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I'm not an engineer.

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I did not study engineering in school.

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But I was a super ambitious
student growing up.

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In middle school and high school,
I had straight A's,

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and I graduated at the top of my year.

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On the flip side of that,

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I struggled with very severe
performance anxiety.

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Here's an email I sent
to my brother around that time.

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"You won't understand
how difficult it is for me to tell you,

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to confess this.

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I'm so freaking embarrassed.

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I don't want people
to think that I'm stupid.

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Now I'm starting to cry too.

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Damn."

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And no, I did not accidentally burn
our parents' house down.

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The thing I'm writing about in the email
and the thing I'm so upset about

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is that I got a B on a math test.

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So something obviously happened
between here and here.

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(Laughter)

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One of those things was puberty.

100
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(Laughter)

101
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Beautiful time indeed.

102
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But moreover,

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I got interested in building robots,

104
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and I wanted to teach myself
about hardware.

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But building things with hardware,
especially if you're teaching yourself,

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is something that's really
difficult to do.

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It has a high likelihood of failure

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and moreover,

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it has a high likelihood
of making you feel stupid.

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And that was my biggest fear at the time.

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So I came up with a setup that would
guarantee success 100 percent of the time.

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With my setup, it would be
nearly impossible to fail.

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And that was that instead
of trying to succeed,

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I was going to try to build
things that would fail.

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And even though I didn't
realize it at the time,

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building stupid things
was actually quite smart,

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because as I kept on
learning about hardware,

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for the first time in my life,

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I did not have to deal
with my performance anxiety.

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And as soon as I removed
all pressure and expectations from myself,

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that pressure quickly
got replaced by enthusiasm,

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and it allowed me to just play.

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So as an inventor,

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I'm interested in things
that people struggle with.

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It can be small things or big things
or medium-sized things

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and something like giving a TED talk
presents this whole new set of problems

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that I can solve.

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And identifying a problem
is the first step in my process

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of building a useless machine.

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So before I came here,

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I sat down and I thought of some
of the potential problems I might have

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in giving this talk.

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Forgetting what to say.

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That people won't laugh --

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that's you.

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Or even worse,

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that you'll laugh at the wrong things --

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that was an OK part to laugh at,

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thank you.

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(Laughter)

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Or that when I get nervous,
my hands start shaking

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and I'm really self-conscious about it.

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Or that my fly has been
open this entire time

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and all of you noticed but I didn't,

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but it's closed so we're
all good on that one.

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But one thing I'm actually really
nervous about is my hands shaking.

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I remember when I was a kid,

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giving presentations in school,

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I would have my notes on a piece of paper,

150
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and I would put a notebook
behind the paper

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so that people wouldn't be able
to see the paper quivering.

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And I give a lot of talks.

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I know that about half of you
in the audience are probably like,

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"Building useless machines is really fun,

155
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but how is this in any way
or form a business?"

156
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And giving talks is a part of it.

157
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And the arrangers always put out
a glass of water for you onstage

158
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so you have something to drink
if you get thirsty,

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and I always so badly
want to drink that water,

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but I don't dare to pick the glass up

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because then people might be able
to see that my hands are shaking.

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So what about a machine
that hands you a glass of water?

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Sold to the nervous girl
in the googly-eye shirt.

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Actually, I need to take this off
because I have a thing --

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(Googly eyes rattle)

166
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Oh.

167
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(Clanking)

168
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(Laughter)

169
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I still don't know what to call this,

170
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but I think some sort of
"head orbit device,"

171
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because it rotates
this platform around you

172
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and you can put anything on it.

173
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You can have a camera;
you can get photos of your entire head.

174
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Like it's really --
it's a very versatile machine.

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(Laughter)

176
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OK, and I have --

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I mean, you can put
some snacks on it, for example,

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if you want to.

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I have some popcorn here.

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And you just put a little bit like that.

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And then you want to --

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there's some sacrifices for science --

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just some popcorn falling on the floor.

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Let's do the long way around.

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00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:37,616
(Robot buzzes)

186
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(Laughter)

187
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And then you have a little hand.

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You need to adjust the height of it,

189
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and you just do it by shrugging.

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(Laughter)

191
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,616
(Applause)

192
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It has a little hand.

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(Hand thwacks)

194
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(Laughter)

195
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,960
(Applause)

196
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,176
I just bumped my mic off,

197
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,120
but I think we're all good.

198
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,656
OK, also I need to chew this popcorn,

199
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,616
so if you guys could
just clap your hands a little bit more --

200
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,736
(Applause)

201
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,576
OK, so it's like your own
little personal solar system,

202
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,496
because I'm a millennial,

203
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,976
so I want everything to revolve around me.

204
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,056
(Laughter)

205
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,696
Back to the glass of water,
that's what we're here for.

206
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,776
So, I promise -- I mean, it still has --

207
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,376
it doesn't have any water in it,

208
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,896
I'm sorry.

209
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:37,496
But I still need to work
on this machine a little bit

210
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,776
because I still need to pick up the glass
and put it on the platform,

211
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,816
but if your hands
are shaking a little bit,

212
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,096
nobody's going to notice

213
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,016
because you're wearing
a very mesmerizing piece of equipment.

214
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,456
So, we're all good.

215
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,680
OK.

216
00:09:50,146 --> 00:09:51,296
(Robot buzzes)

217
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:52,760
(Singing)

218
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,296
Oh no, it got stuck.

219
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,480
Isn't it comforting that even robots
sometimes get stage fright?

220
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,040
It just gets stuck a little bit.

221
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,960
It's very human of them.

222
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,496
Oh wait, let's go back a little bit,

223
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,736
and then --

224
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:10,976
(Glass falls)

225
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,176
(Laughter)

226
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,656
Isn't it a beautiful time to be alive?

227
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,936
(Laughter)

228
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:22,560
(Applause)

229
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:29,296
So as much as my machines can seem
like simple engineering slapstick,

230
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,736
I realize that I stumbled
on something bigger than that.

231
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:37,656
It's this expression of joy and humility
that often gets lost in engineering,

232
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,216
and for me it was a way
to learn about hardware

233
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,040
without having my performance
anxiety get in the way.

234
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,656
I often get asked if I think I'm ever
going to build something useful,

235
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,200
and maybe someday I will.

236
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,736
But the way I see it,

237
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I already have

238
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,440
because I've built myself this job

239
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,176
and it's something that I could
never have planned for,

240
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,416
or that I could --

241
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,560
(Applause)

242
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,416
It's something that I could
never have planned for.

243
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,976
Instead it happened just because
I was enthusiastic about what I was doing,

244
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,736
and I was sharing that enthusiasm
with other people.

245
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,136
To me that's the true beauty
of making useless things,

246
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,176
because it's this acknowledgment

247
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,600
that you don't always know
what the best answer is.

248
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,496
And it turns off that voice in your head

249
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,976
that tells you that you know
exactly how the world works.

250
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,336
And maybe a toothbrush helmet
isn't the answer,

251
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,296
but at least you're asking the question.

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Thank you.

253
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:38,600
(Applause)