1
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(Exhaling)

2
00:00:01,844 --> 00:00:02,844
Hello.

3
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My name is Simone.

4
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You know how people tell you

5
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if you get nervous when onstage,

6
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picture people in the audience naked?

7
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Like it's this thing that's supposed
to make you feel better.

8
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But I was thinking --

9
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picturing all of you naked in 2018
feels kind of weird and wrong.

10
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Like, we're working really hard
on moving past stuff like that,

11
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so we need a new method of dealing
with if you get nervous onstage.

12
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And I realized that what I'd really like

13
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is that I can look at you as much
as you're looking at me --

14
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just to even things out a little bit.

15
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So if I had way more eyeballs,

16
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then we'd all be really
comfortable, right?

17
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So in preparation for this talk,

18
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I made myself a shirt.

19
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(Speaker rummages)

20
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(Laughter)

21
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It's googly eyes.

22
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It took be 14 hours

23
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and 227 googly eyes to make this shirt,

24
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And being able to look at you
as much as you're looking at me

25
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is actually only half
of the reason I made this.

26
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The other half is being able to do this.

27
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(Googly eyes shake)

28
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(Laughter)

29
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So I do a lot of things like this.

30
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I see a problem and I invent
some sort of solution to it.

31
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For example,

32
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brushing your teeth.

33
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Like, it's this thing we all have to do,

34
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it's kind of boring,

35
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and nobody really likes it.

36
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If there were any
seven-year-olds in the audience,

37
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they'd be like, "Yes!"

38
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So what about if you had
a machine that could do it for you?

39
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(Laughter)

40
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I call it ...

41
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I call it "The Toothbrush Helmet."

42
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(Laughter)

43
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(Robot moves)

44
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(Robot brushes)

45
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(Laughter)

46
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(Applause)

47
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So my toothbrush helmet is recommended
by zero out of 10 dentists,

48
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and it definitely did not
revolutionize the world of dentistry,

49
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but it did completely change my life

50
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because I finished making this toothbrush
helmet three years ago,

51
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and after I finished making it,

52
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I went into my living room

53
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and I put up a camera,

54
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and I filmed a seven-second
clip of it working.

55
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And by now,

56
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this is a pretty standard
modern-day fairy tale

57
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of girl posting on the internet,

58
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the internet takes the girl my storm,

59
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thousands of men voyage
into the comment sections

60
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to ask for her hand in marriage --

61
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(Laughter)

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she ignores all of them,

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starts a YouTube channel,

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and keeps on building robots.

65
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Since then, I've carved out this little
niche for myself on the internet

66
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as an inventor of useless machines,

67
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because as we all know,

68
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the easiest way to be
at the top of your field

69
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is to choose a very small field.

70
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(Laughter)

71
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(Applause)

72
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So I run a YouTube channel
about my machines,

73
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and I've done things like
cutting hair with drones --

74
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(Drone flies)

75
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(Laughter)

76
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(Drone crashes)

77
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(Laughter)

78
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(Drone flies)

79
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(Drone crashes)

80
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(Laughter)

81
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(Applause)

82
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to a machine that helps me
wake up in the morning --

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(Alarm)

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(Laughter)

85
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(Video) Simone: Ow!

86
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to this machine that helps me
chop vegetables.

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(Knife chops)

88
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I'm not an engineer.

89
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I did not study engineering in school.

90
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But I was a super ambitious
student growing up.

91
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In middle school and high school
I had straight A's,

92
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and I graduated at the top of my year.

93
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On the flip side of that,

94
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I struggled with very severe
performance anxiety.

95
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Here's an email I sent
to my brother around that time.

96
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"You won't understand
how difficult it is for me to tell you,

97
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to confess this.

98
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I'm so freaking embarrassed.

99
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I don't want people
to think that I'm stupid.

100
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Now I'm starting to cry too.

101
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Damn."

102
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And no, I did not accidentally burn
our parents' house down.

103
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The thing I'm writing about in the email,

104
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and the thing I'm so upset about,

105
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is that I got a B on a math test.

106
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So something obviously happened
between here and here.

107
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(Laughter)

108
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One of those things was puberty --

109
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(Laughter)

110
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beautful time indeed.

111
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But moreover,

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I got interested in building robots,

113
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and I wanted to teach myself
about hardware.

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But building things with hardware,

115
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especially if you're teaching yourself,

116
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is something that's really
difficult to do.

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It has a high likelihood of failure,

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and moreover,

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it has a high likelihood
of making you feel stupid.

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And that was my biggest fear at the time.

121
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So I came up with a setup that would
guarantee success 100 percent of the time.

122
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With my setup,

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it would be nearly impossible to fail.

124
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And that was that instead
of trying to succeed,

125
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I was going to try to build
things that would fail.

126
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And even though I didn't
realize it at the time,

127
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building stupid things
was actually quite smart,

128
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because as I kept on
learning about hardware,

129
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for the first time in my life,

130
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I did not have to deal
with my performance anxiety.

131
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And as soon as I removed
all pressure and expectations from myself,

132
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that pressure quickly
got replaced by enthusiasm,

133
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and it allowed me to just play.

134
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So as an inventor,

135
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I'm interested in things
that people struggle with.

136
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It can be small things or big things
or medium-sized things,

137
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and something like giving a TED talk
presents this whole new set of problems

138
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that I can solve.

139
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And identifying a problem
is the first step in my process

140
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of building a useless machine.

141
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So before I came here,

142
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I sat down and I thought of some
of the potential problems I might have

143
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in giving this talk.

144
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Forgetting what to say;

145
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that people won't laugh --

146
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that's you --

147
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or even worse,

148
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that you'll laugh at the wrong things --

149
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that was an OK part to laugh at,

150
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thank you.

151
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(Laughter)

152
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Or that when I get nervous,

153
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my hands start shaking

154
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and I'm really self-conscious about it.

155
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Or that my fly has been
open this entire time,

156
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and all of you noticed but I didn't,

157
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but it's closed so we're
all good on that one.

158
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But one thing I'm actually really 
nervous about is my hands shaking.

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I remember when I was a kid,

160
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giving presentations in school,

161
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I would have my notes on a piece of paper,

162
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and I would put a notebook
behind the paper

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so that people wouldn't be able
to see the paper quivering.

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And I give a lot of talks.

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I know that about half of you
in the audience are probably like,

166
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"Building useless machines is really fun,

167
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but how is this in any way
or form a business?"

168
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And giving talks is a part of it.

169
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And the arrangers always put out
a glass of water for you onstage

170
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so you have something to drink
if you get thirsty,

171
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and I always so badly
want to drink that water,

172
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but I don't dare to pick the glass up,

173
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because then people might be able
to see that my hands are shaking.

174
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So what about a machine
that hands you a glass of water?

175
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Sold to the nervous girl
in the googly-eye shirt.

176
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Actually, I need to take this off
because I have a thing --

177
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(Googly eyes shake)

178
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Oh.

179
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(Laughter)

180
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(Laughter)

181
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I still don't know what to call this,

182
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but I think some sort
of "head orbit device,"

183
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because it rotates
this platform around you,

184
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and you can put anything on it.

185
00:08:04,807 --> 00:08:06,082
You can have a camera;

186
00:08:06,082 --> 00:08:08,309
you can get photos of your entire head.

187
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Like it's really --

188
00:08:09,985 --> 00:08:12,439
it's very versatile machine.

189
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(Laughter)

190
00:08:14,159 --> 00:08:16,074
OK, and I have --

191
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I mean, you can put some
snacks on it for example --

192
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if you want to.

193
00:08:19,845 --> 00:08:21,376
I have some popcorn here.

194
00:08:21,855 --> 00:08:26,036
And you just put a little bit like that.

195
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,856
And then you want to --

196
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:31,630
there's some sacrifices for science --

197
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just some popcorn falling on the floor.

198
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Let's do the long way around.

199
00:08:36,235 --> 00:08:37,235
(Robot spins)

200
00:08:37,235 --> 00:08:38,584
(Laughter)

201
00:08:39,524 --> 00:08:41,177
And then you have a little hand.

202
00:08:41,177 --> 00:08:42,893
You need to adjust the height of it,

203
00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:44,483
and you just do it by shrugging.

204
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,114
(Laughter)

205
00:08:46,864 --> 00:08:47,859
(Applause)

206
00:08:47,859 --> 00:08:48,929
It has a little hand.

207
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:49,928
(Hand thwacks)

208
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,338
(Laughter)

209
00:08:51,338 --> 00:08:54,465
(Applause)

210
00:08:59,745 --> 00:09:02,303
I just bumped my mic off,

211
00:09:02,303 --> 00:09:04,120
but I think we're all good.

212
00:09:05,436 --> 00:09:07,767
OK, also I need to chew this popcorn,

213
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:10,669
so if you guys could just clap
your hands a little bit more --

214
00:09:10,669 --> 00:09:13,134
(Applause)

215
00:09:15,039 --> 00:09:17,827
OK, so it's like your own little
personal solar system,

216
00:09:17,827 --> 00:09:19,733
because I'm a millennial,

217
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:22,147
so I want everything to revolve around me.

218
00:09:22,459 --> 00:09:24,094
(Laughter)

219
00:09:25,221 --> 00:09:26,561
Back to the glass of water,

220
00:09:26,561 --> 00:09:27,888
that's what we're here for.

221
00:09:27,888 --> 00:09:28,969
So, I promise --

222
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,202
I mean, it still has --

223
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:31,768
it doesn't have any water in it,

224
00:09:31,768 --> 00:09:32,774
I'm sorry.

225
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:37,603
But I still need to work
on this machine a little bit

226
00:09:37,603 --> 00:09:40,845
because I still need to pick up the glass
and put it on the platform,

227
00:09:40,845 --> 00:09:42,892
but if your hands
are shaking a little bit,

228
00:09:42,892 --> 00:09:44,067
nobody's going to notice

229
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:47,002
because you're wearing a very
mesmerizing piece of equipment.

230
00:09:47,002 --> 00:09:48,360
So, we're all good.

231
00:09:48,643 --> 00:09:49,640
OK.

232
00:09:49,936 --> 00:09:51,210
(Robot spins)

233
00:09:51,210 --> 00:09:52,770
(Singing)

234
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,783
Oh no, it got stuck.

235
00:09:56,505 --> 00:09:59,677
Isn't it comforting that even robots
sometimes get stage fright?

236
00:10:00,339 --> 00:10:02,137
It just gets stuck a little bit.

237
00:10:03,688 --> 00:10:05,313
It's very human of them.

238
00:10:06,044 --> 00:10:08,626
Oh wait, let's go back a little bit,

239
00:10:08,626 --> 00:10:09,646
and then --

240
00:10:09,646 --> 00:10:10,863
(Glass falls)

241
00:10:10,863 --> 00:10:12,862
(Laughter)

242
00:10:13,415 --> 00:10:15,745
Isn't it a beautiful time to be alive?

243
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,121
(Laughter)

244
00:10:17,941 --> 00:10:22,567
(Applause)

245
00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:29,404
So as much as my machines can seem
like simple engineering slapstick,

246
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:32,457
I realized that I stumbled
on something bigger than that.

247
00:10:32,915 --> 00:10:37,899
It's this expression of joy and humility
that often gets lost in engineering,

248
00:10:37,899 --> 00:10:40,442
and for me it was a way
to learn about hardware

249
00:10:40,442 --> 00:10:43,370
without having my performance
anxiety get in the way.

250
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,872
I often get asked if I think I'm ever
going to build something useful,

251
00:10:47,872 --> 00:10:49,612
and maybe someday I will.

252
00:10:50,547 --> 00:10:51,949
But the way I see it,

253
00:10:51,949 --> 00:10:53,325
I already have

254
00:10:53,325 --> 00:10:56,522
because I've built myself this job,

255
00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:59,419
and it's something that I could
never have planned for,

256
00:10:59,419 --> 00:11:00,483
or that I could --

257
00:11:00,483 --> 00:11:04,866
(Applause)

258
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:08,442
It's something that I could
never have planned for.

259
00:11:08,442 --> 00:11:11,962
Instead it happened just because
I was enthusiastic about what I was doing,

260
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:14,533
and I was sharing that enthusiasm
with other people.

261
00:11:14,889 --> 00:11:18,326
To me there's a true beauty
of making useless things,

262
00:11:18,326 --> 00:11:20,411
because it's this acknowledgment

263
00:11:20,411 --> 00:11:22,898
that you don't always know
what the best answer is.

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00:11:23,269 --> 00:11:25,674
And it turns off that voice in your head

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that tells you that you know
exactly how the world works.

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And maybe a toothbrush helmet
isn't the answer,

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but at least you're asking the question.

268
00:11:33,495 --> 00:11:34,582
Thank you.

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(Applause)