0:00:01.200,0:00:01.960
We just moved.

0:00:02.059,0:00:02.349
I

0:00:02.480,0:00:03.640
called UPS

0:00:03.980,0:00:05.909
to ask them to help out with some boxes.

0:00:06.559,0:00:07.570
Now they're a good service,

0:00:07.599,0:00:11.029
but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them.

0:00:11.119,0:00:11.949
I had no idea.

0:00:12.630,0:00:13.220
I called them up.

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“Yeah, I have ten boxes, could you come pick them up?”

0:00:16.059,0:00:18.329
“We need to know the weight and the girth.” [LAUGHTER]

0:00:21.659,0:00:22.110
"OK,

0:00:22.229,0:00:22.700
goodbye."

0:00:30.540,0:00:31.290
So, I call back,

0:00:31.399,0:00:32.959
"We need the weight and the girth.”

0:00:33.279,0:00:33.779
"OK,

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I don’t know what the weight is

0:00:35.750,0:00:36.560
and

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and I don’t know what girth means. [LAUGHTER]

0:00:44.340,0:00:46.069
So, now what's the procedure?"

0:00:51.319,0:00:53.669
So, this guy talks to me like I'm 4 years old.

0:00:53.740,0:00:53.860
“Well,

0:00:53.939,0:00:55.869
do you have a bathroom

0:00:55.869,0:00:56.049
scale.”

0:00:57.060,0:00:57.220
Yeah,

0:00:57.340,0:00:58.939
but if I put the box on a scale,

0:00:58.979,0:01:00.779
it's going to cover up the numbers. [LAUGHTER]

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What do I take them off really quick?

0:01:09.699,0:01:10.099
[LAUGHTER]

0:01:10.220,0:01:10.830
Zero!

0:01:10.910,0:01:12.019
I’m not fast enough.

0:01:15.059,0:01:16.220
What's he talking about?

0:01:18.940,0:01:20.389
So, then he gives me like his Mr.

0:01:20.419,0:01:21.550
Wizard formula.

0:01:21.739,0:01:24.690
How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself,

0:01:24.819,0:01:25.889
get off the scale,

0:01:26.059,0:01:26.819
pick up the box,

0:01:26.900,0:01:27.529
get back on,

0:01:27.580,0:01:30.099
weigh you and the box together and subtract your own weight."

0:01:30.139,0:01:31.690
I'm going, "slow down!"

0:01:34.620,0:01:35.160
Hold on,

0:01:35.199,0:01:36.040
professor.

0:01:40.319,0:01:42.430
I know this guy's never tried this because I

0:01:42.430,0:01:44.779
tried it and you still can't see the numbers!  [LAUGHTER]

0:01:58.720,0:01:59.209
What am I?

0:01:59.230,0:01:59.580
Mr.

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Olympia.

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3 pounds.

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Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.

0:02:21.559,0:02:23.350
He kept assuring me it was easy.

0:02:23.639,0:02:23.910
"You know,

0:02:23.919,0:02:26.130
the girth is very simple to figure out.

0:02:26.320,0:02:28.759
You take the length and you double that by the smaller of

0:02:28.759,0:02:31.899
the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side."

0:02:32.119,0:02:32.320
“Okay,

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I got to go.”

0:02:34.300,0:02:35.860
I'm getting another call.

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Yeah,

0:02:36.669,0:02:37.949
I'm too stupid to talk to you.

0:02:38.070,0:02:38.649
I just

0:02:39.399,0:02:41.160
want to not be on with you any longer.

0:02:44.830,0:02:45.490
So, this is true.

0:02:45.520,0:02:47.919
I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers,

0:02:47.960,0:02:48.360
you know.

0:02:49.320,0:02:50.750
Let them come out and pick them up.

0:02:51.539,0:02:52.169
If it's wrong,

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I'll pay the difference.

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Just

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dispatch the truck. [LAUGHTER]

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Please.

0:03:02.100,0:03:02.869
So, I called back,

0:03:02.979,0:03:03.110
yeah,

0:03:03.399,0:03:03.660
I

0:03:03.669,0:03:05.779
have 10 boxes

0:03:06.110,0:03:06.679
and—

0:03:08.059,0:03:08.350
no,

0:03:08.389,0:03:09.059
I'm another guy. [LAUGHTER]

0:03:12.289,0:03:12.509
Yeah,

0:03:12.610,0:03:14.419
and they all weigh exactly

0:03:15.270,0:03:18.570
22 pounds and they'll have a girth of

0:03:23.300,0:03:24.940
“Three what?”

0:03:24.940,0:03:26.419
“Three girth units.”

0:03:32.660,0:03:33.570
"Come pick them up,

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please.

0:03:34.779,0:03:34.990
I'm,

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I'm begging you.

0:03:35.940,0:03:36.330
They're

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boxes and they're brown

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and they have tape all on them

0:03:40.779,0:03:42.850
and they probably fit on a dolly." [LAUGHTER].

0:03:45.509,0:03:46.630
Why must you torture me?