WEBVTT

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We just moved.

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I

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called UPS

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to ask them to help out with some boxes.

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Now they're a good service,

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but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them.

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I had no idea.

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I called them up.

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“Yeah, I have ten boxes, could you come pick them up?” 

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“We need to know the weight and the girth.” [LAUGHTER] 

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"OK,

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goodbye."

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So, I call back,

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"We need the weight and the girth.”

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"OK,

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I don’t know what the weight is 

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and 

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and I don’t know what girth means. [LAUGHTER]

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So, now what's the procedure?"

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So, this guy talks to me like I'm 4 years old.

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“Well, 

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do you have a bathroom 

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scale.”

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Yeah,

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but if I put the box on a scale,

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it's going to cover up the numbers. [LAUGHTER] 

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What do I take them off really quick?

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[LAUGHTER] 

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Zero! 

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I’m not fast enough.

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What's he talking about?

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So, then he gives me like his Mr.

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Wizard formula.

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How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself,

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get off the scale,

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pick up the box,

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get back on,

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weigh you and the box together and subtract your own weight."

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I'm going, "slow down!"

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Hold on,

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professor.

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I know this guy's never tried this because I

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tried it and you still can't see the numbers!  [LAUGHTER] 

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What am I?

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Mr.

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Olympia.

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3 pounds.

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Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.

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He kept assuring me it was easy.

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"You know,

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the girth is very simple to figure out.

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You take the length and you double that by the smaller of

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the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side."

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“Okay, 

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I got to go.”

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I'm getting another call.

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Yeah,

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I'm too stupid to talk to you.

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I just

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want to not be on with you any longer.

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So, this is true.

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I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers,

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you know.

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Let them come out and pick them up.

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If it's wrong,

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I'll pay the difference.

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Just

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dispatch the truck. [LAUGHTER]

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Please.

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So, I called back,

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yeah,

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I

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have 10 boxes

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and—

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no,

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I'm another guy. [LAUGHTER]

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Yeah,

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and they all weigh exactly

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22 pounds and they'll have a girth of

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“Three what?” 

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“Three girth units.”

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"Come pick them up,

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please.

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I'm,

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I'm begging you.

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They're

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boxes and they're brown

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and they have tape all on them

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and they probably fit on a dolly." [LAUGHTER].

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Why must you torture me?