0:00:00.841,0:00:04.572
So I know TED is about a lot[br]of things that are big,

0:00:04.596,0:00:08.126
but I want to talk to you[br]about something very small.

0:00:08.150,0:00:10.308
So small, it's a single word.

0:00:11.093,0:00:12.649
The word is "misfit."

0:00:13.347,0:00:16.966
It's one of my favorite words,[br]because it's so literal.

0:00:17.403,0:00:21.349
I mean, it's a person[br]who sort of missed fitting in.

0:00:21.752,0:00:24.048
Or a person who fits in badly.

0:00:24.658,0:00:27.581
Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

0:00:27.605,0:00:30.473
to new situations and environments."

0:00:31.298,0:00:33.520
I'm a card-carrying misfit.

0:00:34.307,0:00:37.140
And I'm here for the other[br]misfits in the room,

0:00:37.164,0:00:38.975
because I'm never the only one.

0:00:39.995,0:00:41.880
I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

0:00:43.237,0:00:45.769
Somewhere in my early 30s,

0:00:45.793,0:00:49.355
the dream of becoming a writer[br]came right to my doorstep.

0:00:50.198,0:00:51.802
Actually, it came to my mailbox

0:00:51.826,0:00:55.485
in the form of a letter that said[br]I'd won a giant literary prize

0:00:55.509,0:00:57.434
for a short story I had written.

0:00:58.183,0:01:01.944
The short story was about my life[br]as a competitive swimmer

0:01:02.632,0:01:04.687
and about my crappy home life,

0:01:05.258,0:01:10.155
and a little bit about how grief[br]and loss can make you insane.

0:01:11.829,0:01:16.502
The prize was a trip to New York City[br]to meet big-time editors and agents

0:01:16.526,0:01:17.850
and other authors.

0:01:18.278,0:01:21.342
So kind of it was the wannabe[br]writer's dream, right?

0:01:22.573,0:01:25.413
You know what I did the day[br]the letter came to my house?

0:01:26.037,0:01:27.835
Because I'm me,

0:01:27.859,0:01:30.056
I put the letter on my kitchen table,

0:01:30.080,0:01:35.952
I poured myself a giant glass[br]of vodka with ice and lime,

0:01:36.722,0:01:40.926
and I sat there in my underwear[br]for an entire day,

0:01:40.950,0:01:43.032
just staring at the letter.

0:01:44.608,0:01:47.753
I was thinking about all the ways[br]I'd already screwed my life up.

0:01:47.777,0:01:50.951
Who the hell was I to go to New York City

0:01:50.975,0:01:52.705
and pretend to be a writer?

0:01:53.681,0:01:55.046
Who was I?

0:01:55.070,0:01:56.268
I'll tell you.

0:01:56.745,0:01:57.912
I was a misfit.

0:01:58.625,0:02:00.988
Like legions of other children,

0:02:01.908,0:02:04.276
I came from an abusive household

0:02:04.300,0:02:06.956
that I narrowly escaped with my life.

0:02:07.727,0:02:12.218
I already had two epically[br]failed marriages underneath my belt.

0:02:12.242,0:02:15.208
I'd flunked out of college,[br]not once but twice,

0:02:15.232,0:02:18.424
and maybe even a third time[br]that I'm not going to tell you about.

0:02:18.448,0:02:20.258
(Laughter)

0:02:20.582,0:02:24.243
And I'd done an episode[br]of rehab for drug use.

0:02:24.795,0:02:29.245
And I'd had two lovely[br]stay-cations in jail.

0:02:30.228,0:02:32.132
So I'm on the right stage.

0:02:33.680,0:02:35.770
(Laughter)

0:02:36.744,0:02:40.237
But the real reason,[br]I think, I was a misfit,

0:02:40.261,0:02:43.523
is that my daughter died[br]the day she was born,

0:02:43.547,0:02:46.666
and I hadn't figured out[br]how to live with that story yet.

0:02:48.233,0:02:53.360
After my daughter died[br]I also spent a long time homeless,

0:02:53.384,0:02:55.328
living under an overpass

0:02:55.352,0:02:59.570
in a kind of profound state[br]of zombie grief and loss

0:02:59.594,0:03:02.108
that some of us encounter along the way.

0:03:02.132,0:03:04.863
Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

0:03:06.240,0:03:10.237
You know, homeless people[br]are some of our most heroic misfits,

0:03:10.261,0:03:13.357
because they start out as us.

0:03:14.670,0:03:20.088
So you see, I'd missed fitting in[br]to just about every category out there:

0:03:20.112,0:03:24.580
daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

0:03:25.474,0:03:27.973
And the dream of being a writer

0:03:27.997,0:03:33.438
was really kind of like a small,[br]sad stone in my throat.

0:03:34.906,0:03:38.375
It was pretty much in spite of myself[br]that I got on that plane

0:03:38.399,0:03:40.786
and flew to New York City,

0:03:40.810,0:03:42.366
where the writers are.

0:03:43.168,0:03:46.843
Fellow misfits, I can almost[br]see your heads glowing.

0:03:46.867,0:03:48.779
I can pick you out of a room.

0:03:48.803,0:03:51.241
At first, you would've loved it.

0:03:51.265,0:03:54.217
You got to choose the three[br]famous writers you wanted to meet,

0:03:54.241,0:03:56.599
and these guys went[br]and found them for you.

0:03:56.623,0:03:59.413
You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

0:03:59.437,0:04:02.071
where you got to drink Scotch[br]late in the night

0:04:02.095,0:04:04.586
with cool, smart, swank people.

0:04:04.610,0:04:09.119
And you got to pretend you were cool[br]and smart and swank, too.

0:04:09.143,0:04:12.331
And you got to meet a bunch[br]of editors and authors and agents

0:04:12.355,0:04:16.418
at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

0:04:17.377,0:04:19.005
Ask me how fancy.

0:04:19.735,0:04:21.696
Audience: How fancy?

0:04:22.077,0:04:26.395
Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession:[br]I stole three linen napkins --

0:04:26.419,0:04:27.990
(Laughter)

0:04:28.014,0:04:29.671
from three different restaurants.

0:04:30.430,0:04:32.696
And I shoved a menu down my pants.

0:04:32.720,0:04:34.796
(Laughter)

0:04:34.820,0:04:38.526
I just wanted some keepsakes[br]so that when I got home,

0:04:38.550,0:04:40.835
I could believe it had really[br]happened to me.

0:04:41.241,0:04:42.470
You know?

0:04:43.467,0:04:45.131
The three writers I wanted to meet

0:04:45.155,0:04:47.964
were Carol Maso, Lynne Tillman[br]and Peggy Phelan.

0:04:48.496,0:04:51.550
These were not famous,[br]best-selling authors,

0:04:51.574,0:04:54.881
but to me, they were women-writer titans.

0:04:55.700,0:04:59.262
Carole Maso wrote the book[br]that later became my art bible.

0:05:00.056,0:05:02.557
Lynne Tillman gave me[br]permission to believe

0:05:02.581,0:05:06.062
that there was a chance[br]my stories could be part of the world.

0:05:06.839,0:05:08.793
And Peggy Phelan reminded me

0:05:08.817,0:05:13.826
that maybe my brains[br]could be more important than my boobs.

0:05:15.500,0:05:18.184
They weren't mainstream women writers,

0:05:18.208,0:05:21.985
but they were cutting a path[br]through the mainstream

0:05:22.009,0:05:23.342
with their body stories,

0:05:24.294,0:05:28.429
I like to think, kind of the way[br]water cut the Grand Canyon.

0:05:29.371,0:05:31.082
It nearly killed me with joy

0:05:31.106,0:05:34.947
to hang out with these three[br]over-50-year-old women writers.

0:05:34.971,0:05:37.897
And the reason it nearly[br]killed me with joy

0:05:37.921,0:05:39.990
is that I'd never known a joy like that.

0:05:40.014,0:05:41.696
I'd never been in a room like that.

0:05:42.350,0:05:44.108
My mother never went to college.

0:05:44.747,0:05:47.236
And my creative career to that point

0:05:47.260,0:05:51.712
was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

0:05:53.394,0:05:56.673
So kind of in those first nights[br]in New York I wanted to die there.

0:05:56.697,0:06:00.137
I was just like, "Kill me now.[br]I'm good. This is beautiful."

0:06:01.187,0:06:04.335
Some of you in the room[br]will understand what happened next.

0:06:04.935,0:06:09.230
First, they took me to the offices[br]of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

0:06:09.863,0:06:13.038
Farrar, Straus and Giroux[br]was like my mega-dream press.

0:06:13.062,0:06:16.753
I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor[br]were published there.

0:06:17.418,0:06:21.793
The main editor guy sat me down[br]and talked to me for a long time,

0:06:21.817,0:06:24.135
trying to convince me I had a book in me

0:06:24.159,0:06:25.864
about my life as a swimmer.

0:06:26.498,0:06:27.785
You know, like a memoir.

0:06:28.630,0:06:30.866
The whole time he was talking to me,

0:06:30.890,0:06:34.595
I sat there smiling and nodding[br]like a numb idiot,

0:06:35.509,0:06:37.361
with my arms crossed over my chest,

0:06:37.385,0:06:42.302
while nothing, nothing, nothing[br]came out of my throat.

0:06:43.875,0:06:47.242
So in the end, he patted me[br]on the shoulder

0:06:47.266,0:06:48.847
like a swim coach might.

0:06:49.580,0:06:51.415
And he wished me luck

0:06:51.439,0:06:53.877
and he gave me some free books

0:06:53.901,0:06:55.692
and he showed me out the door.

0:06:57.588,0:07:00.855
Next, they took me[br]to the offices of W.W. Norton,

0:07:00.879,0:07:03.579
where I was pretty sure[br]I'd be escorted from the building

0:07:03.603,0:07:05.492
just for wearing Doc Martens.

0:07:06.190,0:07:07.639
But that didn't happen.

0:07:08.512,0:07:10.941
Being at the Norton offices

0:07:10.965,0:07:15.437
felt like reaching up into the night sky[br]and touching the moon

0:07:15.461,0:07:19.098
while the stars stitched your name[br]across the cosmos.

0:07:19.599,0:07:21.744
I mean, that's how big[br]a deal it was to me.

0:07:21.768,0:07:22.949
You get it?

0:07:23.567,0:07:26.065
Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

0:07:26.089,0:07:30.432
leaned over right in my face[br]with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

0:07:30.456,0:07:33.566
and said, "Well, send me[br]something then, immediately!"

0:07:34.328,0:07:36.620
See, now most people,[br]especially TED people,

0:07:36.644,0:07:38.984
would have run to the mailbox, right?

0:07:39.651,0:07:42.929
It took me over a decade to even imagine

0:07:42.953,0:07:46.830
putting something in an envelope[br]and licking a stamp.

0:07:48.741,0:07:50.315
On the last night,

0:07:50.339,0:07:53.608
I gave a big reading[br]at the National Poetry Club.

0:07:54.342,0:07:56.289
And at the end of the reading,

0:07:56.313,0:08:00.616
Katharine Kidde of Kidde,[br]Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

0:08:00.640,0:08:03.227
walked straight up to me and shook my hand

0:08:03.251,0:08:06.429
and offered me representation,[br]like, on the spot.

0:08:08.558,0:08:11.545
I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

0:08:11.569,0:08:13.155
Has this ever happened to you?

0:08:13.703,0:08:15.815
And I almost started crying

0:08:15.839,0:08:19.764
because all the people in the room[br]were dressed so beautifully,

0:08:19.788,0:08:22.941
and all that came out of my mouth was:

0:08:22.965,0:08:26.075
"I don't know. I have to think about it."

0:08:26.805,0:08:31.097
And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

0:08:32.884,0:08:39.403
All those open hands out to me,[br]that small, sad stone in my throat ...

0:08:39.427,0:08:43.365
You see, I'm trying to tell you something[br]about people like me.

0:08:43.389,0:08:47.442
Misfit people -- we don't always know[br]how to hope or say yes

0:08:47.466,0:08:49.077
or choose the big thing,

0:08:49.101,0:08:51.247
even when it's right in front of us.

0:08:51.271,0:08:52.890
It's a shame we carry.

0:08:52.914,0:08:54.905
It's the shame of wanting something good.

0:08:54.929,0:08:56.921
It's the shame of feeling something good.

0:08:56.945,0:09:01.327
It's the shame of not really believing[br]we deserve to be in the room

0:09:01.351,0:09:03.468
with the people we admire.

0:09:04.472,0:09:07.398
If I could, I'd go back[br]and I'd coach myself.

0:09:07.422,0:09:11.765
I'd be exactly like those[br]over-50-year-old women who helped me.

0:09:11.789,0:09:13.690
I'd teach myself how to want things,

0:09:13.714,0:09:16.054
how to stand up, how to ask for them.

0:09:16.078,0:09:20.384
I'd say, "You! Yeah, you![br]You belong in the room, too."

0:09:20.408,0:09:22.680
The radiance falls on all of us,

0:09:22.704,0:09:25.615
and we are nothing without each other.

0:09:27.041,0:09:30.313
Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

0:09:30.337,0:09:36.029
and as I watched the evergreens[br]and rain come back into view,

0:09:36.053,0:09:40.345
I just drank many tiny bottles[br]of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

0:09:41.491,0:09:46.333
I thought about how, if I was a writer,[br]I was some kind of misfit writer.

0:09:47.244,0:09:48.403
What I'm saying is,

0:09:48.427,0:09:50.431
I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

0:09:50.455,0:09:51.606
without an agent,

0:09:51.630,0:09:54.115
and with only a headful[br]and heart-ful of memories

0:09:54.139,0:09:57.287
of having sat so near

0:09:57.311,0:09:59.581
the beautiful writers.

0:10:00.278,0:10:03.684
Memory was the only prize[br]I allowed myself.

0:10:05.175,0:10:08.304
And yet, at home in the dark,

0:10:09.272,0:10:10.835
back in my underwear,

0:10:11.788,0:10:13.518
I could still hear their voices.

0:10:14.264,0:10:18.305
They said, "Don't listen to anyone[br]who tries to get you to shut up

0:10:18.329,0:10:19.880
or change your story."

0:10:20.861,0:10:24.540
They said, "Give voice to the story[br]only you know how to tell."

0:10:24.564,0:10:26.994
They said, "Sometimes telling the story

0:10:27.018,0:10:30.064
is the thing that saves your life."

0:10:31.703,0:10:35.393
Now I am, as you can see,[br]the woman over 50.

0:10:36.278,0:10:37.453
And I'm a writer.

0:10:38.516,0:10:39.743
And I'm a mother.

0:10:40.441,0:10:41.978
And I became a teacher.

0:10:42.970,0:10:44.851
Guess who my favorite students are?

0:10:46.604,0:10:48.232
Although it didn't happen the day

0:10:48.256,0:10:50.510
that dream letter came through my mailbox,

0:10:50.534,0:10:52.207
I did write a memoir,

0:10:52.231,0:10:54.064
called "The Chronology of Water."

0:10:54.889,0:10:59.588
In it are the stories of how many times[br]I've had to reinvent a self

0:10:59.612,0:11:02.016
from the ruins of my choices,

0:11:02.575,0:11:07.985
the stories of how my seeming failures[br]were really just weird-ass portals

0:11:08.009,0:11:09.531
to something beautiful.

0:11:10.309,0:11:13.761
All I had to do[br]was give voice to the story.

0:11:15.552,0:11:19.798
There's a myth in most cultures[br]about following your dreams.

0:11:20.664,0:11:22.385
It's called the hero's journey.

0:11:23.679,0:11:25.503
But I prefer a different myth,

0:11:25.527,0:11:27.306
that's slightly to the side of that

0:11:27.330,0:11:28.487
or underneath it.

0:11:29.089,0:11:30.941
It's called the misfit's myth.

0:11:31.763,0:11:33.028
And it goes like this:

0:11:33.623,0:11:35.878
even at the moment of your failure,

0:11:35.902,0:11:38.480
right then, you are beautiful.

0:11:39.585,0:11:40.737
You don't know it yet,

0:11:40.761,0:11:43.938
but you have the ability[br]to reinvent yourself

0:11:43.962,0:11:45.160
endlessly.

0:11:45.184,0:11:46.778
That's your beauty.

0:11:47.694,0:11:49.210
You can be a drunk,

0:11:49.234,0:11:51.583
you can be a survivor of abuse,

0:11:51.607,0:11:53.043
you can be an ex-con,

0:11:53.067,0:11:54.565
you can be a homeless person,

0:11:54.589,0:11:57.867
you can lose all your money[br]or your job or your husband

0:11:57.891,0:12:00.305
or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

0:12:00.329,0:12:01.479
a child.

0:12:01.864,0:12:03.917
You can even lose your marbles.

0:12:03.941,0:12:08.010
You can be standing dead center[br]in the middle of your failure

0:12:08.034,0:12:10.912
and still, I'm only here to tell you,

0:12:10.936,0:12:13.049
you are so beautiful.

0:12:13.073,0:12:15.372
Your story deserves to be heard,

0:12:15.396,0:12:19.669
because you, you rare[br]and phenomenal misfit,

0:12:19.693,0:12:21.949
you new species,

0:12:22.568,0:12:24.537
are the only one in the room

0:12:24.561,0:12:26.177
who can tell the story

0:12:26.201,0:12:28.609
the way only you would.

0:12:29.710,0:12:31.220
And I'd be listening.

0:12:32.863,0:12:34.039
Thank you.

0:12:34.063,0:12:40.912
(Applause)