1 00:00:00,841 --> 00:00:04,572 So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big, 2 00:00:04,596 --> 00:00:08,126 but I want to talk to you about something very small. 3 00:00:08,150 --> 00:00:10,308 So small, it's a single word. 4 00:00:11,093 --> 00:00:12,649 The word is "misfit." 5 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,966 It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal. 6 00:00:17,403 --> 00:00:21,349 I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in. 7 00:00:21,752 --> 00:00:24,048 Or a person who fits in badly. 8 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:27,581 Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted 9 00:00:27,605 --> 00:00:30,473 to new situations and environments." 10 00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:33,520 I'm a card-carrying misfit. 11 00:00:34,307 --> 00:00:37,140 And I'm here for the other misfits in the room, 12 00:00:37,164 --> 00:00:38,975 because I'm never the only one. 13 00:00:39,995 --> 00:00:41,880 I'm going to tell you a misfit story. 14 00:00:43,237 --> 00:00:45,769 Somewhere in my early 30s, 15 00:00:45,793 --> 00:00:49,355 the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep. 16 00:00:50,198 --> 00:00:51,802 Actually, it came to my mailbox 17 00:00:51,826 --> 00:00:55,485 in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize 18 00:00:55,509 --> 00:00:57,434 for a short story I had written. 19 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,944 The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer 20 00:01:02,632 --> 00:01:04,687 and about my crappy home life, 21 00:01:05,258 --> 00:01:10,155 and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane. 22 00:01:11,829 --> 00:01:16,502 The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents 23 00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:17,850 and other authors. 24 00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:21,342 So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right? 25 00:01:22,573 --> 00:01:25,413 You know what I did the day the letter came to my house? 26 00:01:26,037 --> 00:01:27,835 Because I'm me, 27 00:01:27,859 --> 00:01:30,056 I put the letter on my kitchen table, 28 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:35,952 I poured myself a giant glass of vodka with ice and lime, 29 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:40,926 and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day, 30 00:01:40,950 --> 00:01:43,032 just staring at the letter. 31 00:01:44,608 --> 00:01:47,753 I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up. 32 00:01:47,777 --> 00:01:50,951 Who the hell was I to go to New York City 33 00:01:50,975 --> 00:01:52,705 and pretend to be a writer? 34 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,046 Who was I? 35 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:56,268 I'll tell you. 36 00:01:56,745 --> 00:01:57,912 I was a misfit. 37 00:01:58,625 --> 00:02:00,988 Like legions of other children, 38 00:02:01,908 --> 00:02:04,276 I came from an abusive household 39 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,956 that I narrowly escaped with my life. 40 00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:12,218 I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt. 41 00:02:12,242 --> 00:02:15,208 I'd flunked out of college, not once but twice, 42 00:02:15,232 --> 00:02:18,424 and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about. 43 00:02:18,448 --> 00:02:20,258 (Laughter) 44 00:02:20,582 --> 00:02:24,243 And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use. 45 00:02:24,795 --> 00:02:29,245 And I'd had two lovely stay-cations in jail. 46 00:02:30,228 --> 00:02:32,132 So I'm on the right stage. 47 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,770 (Laughter) 48 00:02:36,744 --> 00:02:40,237 But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit, 49 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:43,523 is that my daughter died the day she was born, 50 00:02:43,547 --> 00:02:46,666 and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet. 51 00:02:48,233 --> 00:02:53,360 After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless, 52 00:02:53,384 --> 00:02:55,328 living under an overpass 53 00:02:55,352 --> 00:02:59,570 in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss 54 00:02:59,594 --> 00:03:02,108 that some of us encounter along the way. 55 00:03:02,132 --> 00:03:04,863 Maybe all of us, if you live long enough. 56 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,237 You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits, 57 00:03:10,261 --> 00:03:13,357 because they start out as us. 58 00:03:14,670 --> 00:03:20,088 So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there: 59 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:24,580 daughter, wife, mother, scholar. 60 00:03:25,474 --> 00:03:27,973 And the dream of being a writer 61 00:03:27,997 --> 00:03:33,438 was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat. 62 00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:38,375 It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane 63 00:03:38,399 --> 00:03:40,786 and flew to New York City, 64 00:03:40,810 --> 00:03:42,366 where the writers are. 65 00:03:43,168 --> 00:03:46,843 Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing. 66 00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:48,779 I can pick you out of a room. 67 00:03:48,803 --> 00:03:51,241 At first, you would've loved it. 68 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:54,217 You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet, 69 00:03:54,241 --> 00:03:56,599 and these guys went and found them for you. 70 00:03:56,623 --> 00:03:59,413 You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel, 71 00:03:59,437 --> 00:04:02,071 where you got to drink Scotch late in the night 72 00:04:02,095 --> 00:04:04,586 with cool, smart, swank people. 73 00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:09,119 And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too. 74 00:04:09,143 --> 00:04:12,331 And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents 75 00:04:12,355 --> 00:04:16,418 at very, very fancy lunches and dinners. 76 00:04:17,377 --> 00:04:19,005 Ask me how fancy. 77 00:04:19,735 --> 00:04:21,696 Audience: How fancy? 78 00:04:22,077 --> 00:04:26,395 Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins -- 79 00:04:26,419 --> 00:04:27,990 (Laughter) 80 00:04:28,014 --> 00:04:29,671 from three different restaurants. 81 00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:32,696 And I shoved a menu down my pants. 82 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,796 (Laughter) 83 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:38,526 I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home, 84 00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:40,835 I could believe it had really happened to me. 85 00:04:41,241 --> 00:04:42,470 You know? 86 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:45,131 The three writers I wanted to meet 87 00:04:45,155 --> 00:04:47,964 were Carol Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan. 88 00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:51,550 These were not famous, best-selling authors, 89 00:04:51,574 --> 00:04:54,881 but to me, they were women-writer titans. 90 00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:59,262 Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible. 91 00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:02,557 Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe 92 00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:06,062 that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world. 93 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:08,793 And Peggy Phelan reminded me 94 00:05:08,817 --> 00:05:13,826 that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs. 95 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,184 They weren't mainstream women writers, 96 00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:21,985 but they were cutting a path through the mainstream 97 00:05:22,009 --> 00:05:23,342 with their body stories, 98 00:05:24,294 --> 00:05:28,429 I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon. 99 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,082 It nearly killed me with joy 100 00:05:31,106 --> 00:05:34,947 to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers. 101 00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:37,897 And the reason it nearly killed me with joy 102 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,990 is that I'd never known a joy like that. 103 00:05:40,014 --> 00:05:41,696 I'd never been in a room like that. 104 00:05:42,350 --> 00:05:44,108 My mother never went to college. 105 00:05:44,747 --> 00:05:47,236 And my creative career to that point 106 00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:51,712 was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing. 107 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:56,673 So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there. 108 00:05:56,697 --> 00:06:00,137 I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful." 109 00:06:01,187 --> 00:06:04,335 Some of you in the room will understand what happened next. 110 00:06:04,935 --> 00:06:09,230 First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 111 00:06:09,863 --> 00:06:13,038 Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press. 112 00:06:13,062 --> 00:06:16,753 I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there. 113 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:21,793 The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time, 114 00:06:21,817 --> 00:06:24,135 trying to convince me I had a book in me 115 00:06:24,159 --> 00:06:25,864 about my life as a swimmer. 116 00:06:26,498 --> 00:06:27,785 You know, like a memoir. 117 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,866 The whole time he was talking to me, 118 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:34,595 I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot, 119 00:06:35,509 --> 00:06:37,361 with my arms crossed over my chest, 120 00:06:37,385 --> 00:06:42,302 while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat. 121 00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:47,242 So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder 122 00:06:47,266 --> 00:06:48,847 like a swim coach might. 123 00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,415 And he wished me luck 124 00:06:51,439 --> 00:06:53,877 and he gave me some free books 125 00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:55,692 and he showed me out the door. 126 00:06:57,588 --> 00:07:00,855 Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton, 127 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:03,579 where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building 128 00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:05,492 just for wearing Doc Martens. 129 00:07:06,190 --> 00:07:07,639 But that didn't happen. 130 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,941 Being at the Norton offices 131 00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:15,437 felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon 132 00:07:15,461 --> 00:07:19,098 while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos. 133 00:07:19,599 --> 00:07:21,744 I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me. 134 00:07:21,768 --> 00:07:22,949 You get it? 135 00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,065 Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith, 136 00:07:26,089 --> 00:07:30,432 leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes 137 00:07:30,456 --> 00:07:33,566 and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!" 138 00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,620 See, now most people, especially TED people, 139 00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:38,984 would have run to the mailbox, right? 140 00:07:39,651 --> 00:07:42,929 It took me over a decade to even imagine 141 00:07:42,953 --> 00:07:46,830 putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp. 142 00:07:48,741 --> 00:07:50,315 On the last night, 143 00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:53,608 I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club. 144 00:07:54,342 --> 00:07:56,289 And at the end of the reading, 145 00:07:56,313 --> 00:08:00,616 Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency, 146 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,227 walked straight up to me and shook my hand 147 00:08:03,251 --> 00:08:06,429 and offered me representation, like, on the spot. 148 00:08:08,558 --> 00:08:11,545 I stood there and I kind of went deaf. 149 00:08:11,569 --> 00:08:13,155 Has this ever happened to you? 150 00:08:13,703 --> 00:08:15,815 And I almost started crying 151 00:08:15,839 --> 00:08:19,764 because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully, 152 00:08:19,788 --> 00:08:22,941 and all that came out of my mouth was: 153 00:08:22,965 --> 00:08:26,075 "I don't know. I have to think about it." 154 00:08:26,805 --> 00:08:31,097 And she said, "OK, then," and walked away. 155 00:08:32,884 --> 00:08:39,403 All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ... 156 00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:43,365 You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me. 157 00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:47,442 Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes 158 00:08:47,466 --> 00:08:49,077 or choose the big thing, 159 00:08:49,101 --> 00:08:51,247 even when it's right in front of us. 160 00:08:51,271 --> 00:08:52,890 It's a shame we carry. 161 00:08:52,914 --> 00:08:54,905 It's the shame of wanting something good. 162 00:08:54,929 --> 00:08:56,921 It's the shame of feeling something good. 163 00:08:56,945 --> 00:09:01,327 It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room 164 00:09:01,351 --> 00:09:03,468 with the people we admire. 165 00:09:04,472 --> 00:09:07,398 If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself. 166 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:11,765 I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me. 167 00:09:11,789 --> 00:09:13,690 I'd teach myself how to want things, 168 00:09:13,714 --> 00:09:16,054 how to stand up, how to ask for them. 169 00:09:16,078 --> 00:09:20,384 I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too." 170 00:09:20,408 --> 00:09:22,680 The radiance falls on all of us, 171 00:09:22,704 --> 00:09:25,615 and we are nothing without each other. 172 00:09:27,041 --> 00:09:30,313 Instead, I flew back to Oregon, 173 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:36,029 and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view, 174 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:40,345 I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself." 175 00:09:41,491 --> 00:09:46,333 I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer. 176 00:09:47,244 --> 00:09:48,403 What I'm saying is, 177 00:09:48,427 --> 00:09:50,431 I flew back to Oregon without a book deal, 178 00:09:50,455 --> 00:09:51,606 without an agent, 179 00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:54,115 and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories 180 00:09:54,139 --> 00:09:57,287 of having sat so near 181 00:09:57,311 --> 00:09:59,581 the beautiful writers. 182 00:10:00,278 --> 00:10:03,684 Memory was the only prize I allowed myself. 183 00:10:05,175 --> 00:10:08,304 And yet, at home in the dark, 184 00:10:09,272 --> 00:10:10,835 back in my underwear, 185 00:10:11,788 --> 00:10:13,518 I could still hear their voices. 186 00:10:14,264 --> 00:10:18,305 They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up 187 00:10:18,329 --> 00:10:19,880 or change your story." 188 00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:24,540 They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell." 189 00:10:24,564 --> 00:10:26,994 They said, "Sometimes telling the story 190 00:10:27,018 --> 00:10:30,064 is the thing that saves your life." 191 00:10:31,703 --> 00:10:35,393 Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50. 192 00:10:36,278 --> 00:10:37,453 And I'm a writer. 193 00:10:38,516 --> 00:10:39,743 And I'm a mother. 194 00:10:40,441 --> 00:10:41,978 And I became a teacher. 195 00:10:42,970 --> 00:10:44,851 Guess who my favorite students are? 196 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,232 Although it didn't happen the day 197 00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,510 that dream letter came through my mailbox, 198 00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:52,207 I did write a memoir, 199 00:10:52,231 --> 00:10:54,064 called "The Chronology of Water." 200 00:10:54,889 --> 00:10:59,588 In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self 201 00:10:59,612 --> 00:11:02,016 from the ruins of my choices, 202 00:11:02,575 --> 00:11:07,985 the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals 203 00:11:08,009 --> 00:11:09,531 to something beautiful. 204 00:11:10,309 --> 00:11:13,761 All I had to do was give voice to the story. 205 00:11:15,552 --> 00:11:19,798 There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams. 206 00:11:20,664 --> 00:11:22,385 It's called the hero's journey. 207 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,503 But I prefer a different myth, 208 00:11:25,527 --> 00:11:27,306 that's slightly to the side of that 209 00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:28,487 or underneath it. 210 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,941 It's called the misfit's myth. 211 00:11:31,763 --> 00:11:33,028 And it goes like this: 212 00:11:33,623 --> 00:11:35,878 even at the moment of your failure, 213 00:11:35,902 --> 00:11:38,480 right then, you are beautiful. 214 00:11:39,585 --> 00:11:40,737 You don't know it yet, 215 00:11:40,761 --> 00:11:43,938 but you have the ability to reinvent yourself 216 00:11:43,962 --> 00:11:45,160 endlessly. 217 00:11:45,184 --> 00:11:46,778 That's your beauty. 218 00:11:47,694 --> 00:11:49,210 You can be a drunk, 219 00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:51,583 you can be a survivor of abuse, 220 00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:53,043 you can be an ex-con, 221 00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:54,565 you can be a homeless person, 222 00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:57,867 you can lose all your money or your job or your husband 223 00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:00,305 or your wife, or the worst thing of all, 224 00:12:00,329 --> 00:12:01,479 a child. 225 00:12:01,864 --> 00:12:03,917 You can even lose your marbles. 226 00:12:03,941 --> 00:12:08,010 You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure 227 00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:10,912 and still, I'm only here to tell you, 228 00:12:10,936 --> 00:12:13,049 you are so beautiful. 229 00:12:13,073 --> 00:12:15,372 Your story deserves to be heard, 230 00:12:15,396 --> 00:12:19,669 because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit, 231 00:12:19,693 --> 00:12:21,949 you new species, 232 00:12:22,568 --> 00:12:24,537 are the only one in the room 233 00:12:24,561 --> 00:12:26,177 who can tell the story 234 00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:28,609 the way only you would. 235 00:12:29,710 --> 00:12:31,220 And I'd be listening. 236 00:12:32,863 --> 00:12:34,039 Thank you. 237 00:12:34,063 --> 00:12:40,912 (Applause)