WEBVTT 00:00:00.841 --> 00:00:04.572 So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big, 00:00:04.596 --> 00:00:08.126 but I want to talk to you about something very small. 00:00:08.150 --> 00:00:10.308 So small, it's a single word. 00:00:11.093 --> 00:00:12.649 The word is "misfit." 00:00:13.347 --> 00:00:16.966 It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal. 00:00:17.403 --> 00:00:21.349 I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in. 00:00:21.752 --> 00:00:24.048 Or a person who fits in badly. 00:00:24.658 --> 00:00:27.581 Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted 00:00:27.605 --> 00:00:30.473 to new situations and environments." 00:00:31.298 --> 00:00:33.520 I'm a card-carrying misfit. 00:00:34.307 --> 00:00:37.140 And I'm here for the other misfits in the room, 00:00:37.164 --> 00:00:38.975 because I'm never the only one. 00:00:39.995 --> 00:00:41.880 I'm going to tell you a misfit story. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:43.237 --> 00:00:45.769 Somewhere in my early 30s, 00:00:45.793 --> 00:00:49.355 the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep. 00:00:50.198 --> 00:00:51.802 Actually, it came to my mailbox 00:00:51.826 --> 00:00:55.485 in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize 00:00:55.509 --> 00:00:57.434 for a short story I had written. 00:00:58.183 --> 00:01:01.944 The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer 00:01:02.632 --> 00:01:04.687 and about my crappy home life, 00:01:05.258 --> 00:01:10.155 and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane. 00:01:11.829 --> 00:01:16.502 The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents 00:01:16.526 --> 00:01:17.850 and other authors. 00:01:18.278 --> 00:01:21.342 So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right? 00:01:22.573 --> 00:01:25.413 You know what I did the day the letter came to my house? 00:01:26.037 --> 00:01:27.835 Because I'm me, 00:01:27.859 --> 00:01:30.056 I put the letter on my kitchen table, 00:01:30.080 --> 00:01:33.522 I poured myself a giant glass of vodka 00:01:33.922 --> 00:01:36.292 with ice and lime, 00:01:36.722 --> 00:01:40.926 and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day, 00:01:40.950 --> 00:01:43.032 just staring at the letter. 00:01:44.608 --> 00:01:47.753 I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up. 00:01:47.777 --> 00:01:50.951 Who the hell was I to go to New York City 00:01:50.975 --> 00:01:52.705 and pretend to be a writer? 00:01:53.681 --> 00:01:55.046 Who was I? NOTE Paragraph 00:01:55.070 --> 00:01:56.268 I'll tell you. 00:01:56.745 --> 00:01:57.912 I was a misfit. 00:01:58.625 --> 00:02:00.988 Like legions of other children, 00:02:01.908 --> 00:02:04.276 I came from an abusive household 00:02:04.300 --> 00:02:06.956 that I narrowly escaped with my life. 00:02:07.727 --> 00:02:12.218 I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt. 00:02:12.242 --> 00:02:15.208 I'd flunked out of college not once but twice 00:02:15.232 --> 00:02:18.424 and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:18.448 --> 00:02:20.258 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:20.582 --> 00:02:24.243 And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use. 00:02:24.795 --> 00:02:29.245 And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail. 00:02:30.228 --> 00:02:32.132 So I'm on the right stage. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:35.770 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:36.744 --> 00:02:40.237 But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit, 00:02:40.261 --> 00:02:43.523 is that my daughter died the day she was born, 00:02:43.547 --> 00:02:46.666 and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet. 00:02:48.233 --> 00:02:53.360 After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless, 00:02:53.384 --> 00:02:55.328 living under an overpass 00:02:55.352 --> 00:02:59.570 in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss 00:02:59.594 --> 00:03:02.108 that some of us encounter along the way. 00:03:02.132 --> 00:03:04.863 Maybe all of us, if you live long enough. 00:03:06.240 --> 00:03:10.237 You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits, 00:03:10.261 --> 00:03:13.357 because they start out as us. 00:03:14.670 --> 00:03:20.088 So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there: 00:03:20.112 --> 00:03:24.580 daughter, wife, mother, scholar. 00:03:25.474 --> 00:03:27.973 And the dream of being a writer 00:03:27.997 --> 00:03:33.438 was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:34.906 --> 00:03:38.375 It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane 00:03:38.399 --> 00:03:40.786 and flew to New York City, 00:03:40.810 --> 00:03:42.366 where the writers are. 00:03:43.168 --> 00:03:46.843 Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing. 00:03:46.867 --> 00:03:48.779 I can pick you out of a room. 00:03:48.803 --> 00:03:51.241 At first, you would've loved it. 00:03:51.265 --> 00:03:54.217 You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet, 00:03:54.241 --> 00:03:56.599 and these guys went and found them for you. 00:03:56.623 --> 00:03:59.413 You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel, 00:03:59.437 --> 00:04:02.071 where you got to drink Scotch late in the night 00:04:02.095 --> 00:04:04.586 with cool, smart, swank people. 00:04:04.610 --> 00:04:09.119 And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too. 00:04:09.143 --> 00:04:12.331 And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents 00:04:12.355 --> 00:04:16.418 at very, very fancy lunches and dinners. 00:04:17.377 --> 00:04:19.005 Ask me how fancy. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:19.735 --> 00:04:21.696 Audience: How fancy? NOTE Paragraph 00:04:22.077 --> 00:04:26.395 Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins -- NOTE Paragraph 00:04:26.419 --> 00:04:27.990 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:28.014 --> 00:04:29.671 from three different restaurants. 00:04:30.430 --> 00:04:32.696 And I shoved a menu down my pants. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:32.720 --> 00:04:34.796 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:34.820 --> 00:04:38.526 I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home, 00:04:38.550 --> 00:04:40.835 I could believe it had really happened to me. 00:04:41.241 --> 00:04:42.470 You know? NOTE Paragraph 00:04:43.467 --> 00:04:45.131 The three writers I wanted to meet 00:04:45.155 --> 00:04:47.964 were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan. 00:04:48.496 --> 00:04:51.550 These were not famous, best-selling authors, 00:04:51.574 --> 00:04:54.881 but to me, they were women-writer titans. 00:04:55.700 --> 00:04:59.262 Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible. 00:05:00.056 --> 00:05:02.557 Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe 00:05:02.581 --> 00:05:06.062 that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world. 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:08.793 And Peggy Phelan reminded me 00:05:08.817 --> 00:05:13.826 that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs. 00:05:15.500 --> 00:05:18.184 They weren't mainstream women writers, 00:05:18.208 --> 00:05:21.985 but they were cutting a path through the mainstream 00:05:22.009 --> 00:05:23.342 with their body stories, 00:05:24.294 --> 00:05:28.429 I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:29.371 --> 00:05:31.082 It nearly killed me with joy 00:05:31.106 --> 00:05:34.947 to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers. 00:05:34.971 --> 00:05:37.897 And the reason it nearly killed me with joy 00:05:37.921 --> 00:05:39.990 is that I'd never known a joy like that. 00:05:40.014 --> 00:05:41.696 I'd never been in a room like that. 00:05:42.350 --> 00:05:44.108 My mother never went to college. 00:05:44.747 --> 00:05:47.236 And my creative career to that point 00:05:47.260 --> 00:05:51.712 was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing. 00:05:53.394 --> 00:05:56.673 So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there. 00:05:56.697 --> 00:06:00.137 I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful." 00:06:01.187 --> 00:06:04.335 Some of you in the room will understand what happened next. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:04.935 --> 00:06:09.230 First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 00:06:09.863 --> 00:06:13.038 Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press. 00:06:13.062 --> 00:06:16.753 I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there. 00:06:17.418 --> 00:06:21.793 The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time, 00:06:21.817 --> 00:06:24.135 trying to convince me I had a book in me 00:06:24.159 --> 00:06:25.864 about my life as a swimmer. 00:06:26.498 --> 00:06:27.785 You know, like a memoir. 00:06:28.630 --> 00:06:30.866 The whole time he was talking to me, 00:06:30.890 --> 00:06:34.595 I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot, 00:06:35.509 --> 00:06:37.361 with my arms crossed over my chest, 00:06:37.385 --> 00:06:42.302 while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat. 00:06:43.875 --> 00:06:47.242 So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder 00:06:47.266 --> 00:06:48.847 like a swim coach might. 00:06:49.580 --> 00:06:51.415 And he wished me luck 00:06:51.439 --> 00:06:53.877 and he gave me some free books 00:06:53.901 --> 00:06:55.692 and he showed me out the door. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:57.588 --> 00:07:00.855 Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton, 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:03.579 where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building 00:07:03.603 --> 00:07:05.492 just for wearing Doc Martens. 00:07:06.190 --> 00:07:07.639 But that didn't happen. 00:07:08.512 --> 00:07:10.941 Being at the Norton offices 00:07:10.965 --> 00:07:15.437 felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon 00:07:15.461 --> 00:07:19.098 while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos. 00:07:19.599 --> 00:07:21.744 I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me. 00:07:21.768 --> 00:07:22.949 You get it? 00:07:23.567 --> 00:07:26.065 Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith, 00:07:26.089 --> 00:07:30.432 leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes 00:07:30.456 --> 00:07:33.566 and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!" 00:07:34.328 --> 00:07:36.620 See, now most people, especially TED people, 00:07:36.644 --> 00:07:38.984 would have run to the mailbox, right? 00:07:39.651 --> 00:07:42.929 It took me over a decade to even imagine 00:07:42.953 --> 00:07:46.830 putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:48.741 --> 00:07:50.315 On the last night, 00:07:50.339 --> 00:07:53.608 I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club. 00:07:54.342 --> 00:07:56.289 And at the end of the reading, 00:07:56.313 --> 00:08:00.616 Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency, 00:08:00.640 --> 00:08:03.227 walked straight up to me and shook my hand 00:08:03.251 --> 00:08:06.429 and offered me representation, like, on the spot. 00:08:08.558 --> 00:08:11.545 I stood there and I kind of went deaf. 00:08:11.569 --> 00:08:13.155 Has this ever happened to you? 00:08:13.703 --> 00:08:15.815 And I almost started crying 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:19.764 because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully, 00:08:19.788 --> 00:08:22.941 and all that came out of my mouth was: 00:08:22.965 --> 00:08:26.075 "I don't know. I have to think about it." 00:08:26.805 --> 00:08:31.097 And she said, "OK, then," and walked away. 00:08:32.884 --> 00:08:39.403 All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ... NOTE Paragraph 00:08:39.427 --> 00:08:43.365 You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me. 00:08:43.389 --> 00:08:47.442 Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes 00:08:47.466 --> 00:08:49.077 or choose the big thing, 00:08:49.101 --> 00:08:51.247 even when it's right in front of us. 00:08:51.271 --> 00:08:52.890 It's a shame we carry. 00:08:52.914 --> 00:08:54.905 It's the shame of wanting something good. 00:08:54.929 --> 00:08:56.921 It's the shame of feeling something good. 00:08:56.945 --> 00:09:01.327 It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room 00:09:01.351 --> 00:09:03.468 with the people we admire. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:04.472 --> 00:09:07.398 If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself. 00:09:07.422 --> 00:09:11.765 I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me. 00:09:11.789 --> 00:09:13.690 I'd teach myself how to want things, 00:09:13.714 --> 00:09:16.054 how to stand up, how to ask for them. 00:09:16.078 --> 00:09:20.384 I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too." 00:09:20.408 --> 00:09:22.680 The radiance falls on all of us, 00:09:22.704 --> 00:09:25.615 and we are nothing without each other. 00:09:27.041 --> 00:09:30.313 Instead, I flew back to Oregon, 00:09:30.337 --> 00:09:36.029 and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view, 00:09:36.053 --> 00:09:40.345 I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself." 00:09:41.491 --> 00:09:46.333 I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer. 00:09:47.244 --> 00:09:48.403 What I'm saying is, 00:09:48.427 --> 00:09:50.431 I flew back to Oregon without a book deal, 00:09:50.455 --> 00:09:51.606 without an agent, 00:09:51.630 --> 00:09:54.115 and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories 00:09:54.139 --> 00:09:57.287 of having sat so near 00:09:57.311 --> 00:09:59.581 the beautiful writers. 00:10:00.278 --> 00:10:03.684 Memory was the only prize I allowed myself. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:05.175 --> 00:10:08.304 And yet, at home in the dark, 00:10:09.272 --> 00:10:10.835 back in my underwear, 00:10:11.788 --> 00:10:13.518 I could still hear their voices. 00:10:14.264 --> 00:10:18.305 They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up 00:10:18.329 --> 00:10:19.880 or change your story." 00:10:20.861 --> 00:10:24.540 They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell." 00:10:24.564 --> 00:10:26.994 They said, "Sometimes telling the story 00:10:27.018 --> 00:10:30.064 is the thing that saves your life." NOTE Paragraph 00:10:31.703 --> 00:10:35.393 Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50. 00:10:36.278 --> 00:10:37.453 And I'm a writer. 00:10:38.516 --> 00:10:39.743 And I'm a mother. 00:10:40.441 --> 00:10:41.978 And I became a teacher. 00:10:42.970 --> 00:10:44.851 Guess who my favorite students are. 00:10:46.604 --> 00:10:48.232 Although it didn't happen the day 00:10:48.256 --> 00:10:50.510 that dream letter came through my mailbox, 00:10:50.534 --> 00:10:52.207 I did write a memoir, 00:10:52.231 --> 00:10:54.064 called "The Chronology of Water." 00:10:54.889 --> 00:10:59.588 In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self 00:10:59.612 --> 00:11:02.016 from the ruins of my choices, 00:11:02.575 --> 00:11:07.985 the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals 00:11:08.009 --> 00:11:09.531 to something beautiful. 00:11:10.309 --> 00:11:13.761 All I had to do was give voice to the story. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:15.552 --> 00:11:19.798 There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams. 00:11:20.664 --> 00:11:22.385 It's called the hero's journey. 00:11:23.679 --> 00:11:25.503 But I prefer a different myth, 00:11:25.527 --> 00:11:27.306 that's slightly to the side of that 00:11:27.330 --> 00:11:28.487 or underneath it. 00:11:29.089 --> 00:11:30.941 It's called the misfit's myth. 00:11:31.763 --> 00:11:33.028 And it goes like this: 00:11:33.623 --> 00:11:35.878 even at the moment of your failure, 00:11:35.902 --> 00:11:38.480 right then, you are beautiful. 00:11:39.585 --> 00:11:40.737 You don't know it yet, 00:11:40.761 --> 00:11:43.938 but you have the ability to reinvent yourself 00:11:43.962 --> 00:11:45.160 endlessly. 00:11:45.184 --> 00:11:46.778 That's your beauty. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:47.694 --> 00:11:49.210 You can be a drunk, 00:11:49.234 --> 00:11:51.583 you can be a survivor of abuse, 00:11:51.607 --> 00:11:53.043 you can be an ex-con, 00:11:53.067 --> 00:11:54.565 you can be a homeless person, 00:11:54.589 --> 00:11:57.867 you can lose all your money or your job or your husband 00:11:57.891 --> 00:12:00.305 or your wife, or the worst thing of all, 00:12:00.329 --> 00:12:01.479 a child. 00:12:01.864 --> 00:12:03.917 You can even lose your marbles. 00:12:03.941 --> 00:12:08.010 You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure 00:12:08.034 --> 00:12:10.912 and still, I'm only here to tell you, 00:12:10.936 --> 00:12:13.049 you are so beautiful. 00:12:13.073 --> 00:12:15.372 Your story deserves to be heard, 00:12:15.396 --> 00:12:19.669 because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit, 00:12:19.693 --> 00:12:21.949 you new species, 00:12:22.568 --> 00:12:24.537 are the only one in the room 00:12:24.561 --> 00:12:26.177 who can tell the story 00:12:26.201 --> 00:12:28.609 the way only you would. 00:12:29.710 --> 00:12:31.220 And I'd be listening. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:32.863 --> 00:12:34.039 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:34.063 --> 00:12:45.423 (Applause)