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00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,940
I'd like to start
by making one thing very clear.

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I want you to know that I am

3
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,800
absolutely,

4
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,240
incredibly

5
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,140
and totally

6
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awesome!

7
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:27,910
(Laughter) (Applause)

8
00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:35,970
Now, before you start thinking
that I have a problem with humility,

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00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,070
which I don't,

10
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:39,390
(Laughter)

11
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:42,620
let me add something important.

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I believe you, too, are awesome!

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Is that better now?

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00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:48,775
(Audience) Yes.

15
00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:50,025
(Applause)

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But I also believe, based on my research,

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that there is - no, it's me, okay.

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But I also believe, based on my research,

19
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that there's an 80% probability

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that you have no idea
how truly magnificent you really are.

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00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,290
You used to know, but you've forgotten.

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00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:15,970
I'm here to show you

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the science behind how you
gradually forget your true self,

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your true potential,

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and how you can rediscover and unleash

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an even happier and more capable
version of yourself,

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the true magnificent you!

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Is that cool?

29
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Great!

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I lecture on this topic,
right here at Stanford,

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and my work is based on extensive research
in neuroscience and psychology.

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I'd like to show you
my most important evidence

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00:01:56,160 --> 00:02:00,700
proving that you used to know
how amazing you really are!

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Would you like to see that evidence?

35
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Well, here it is.

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Do you think she knows
how magnificent she is?

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Absolutely. She is radiating with it.

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What about him?

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Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

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Every strand of his hair
knows how magnificent he is.

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00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,730
(Laughter)

42
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And what about these two?

43
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I know they know
because they are my precious kids,

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Tisa and Kion.

45
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The point is this:

46
00:02:32,350 --> 00:02:36,520
you were born as a unique
and magnificent being

47
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and you used to know it!

48
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But what about this one?

49
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Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

50
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He actually has no clue;

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he used to know,

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but by the time this picture is taken,
he no longer remembers.

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By the way, this is me.

54
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Adorable, right?

55
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(Laughter)

56
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I told you.

57
00:03:01,770 --> 00:03:03,390
(Laughter)

58
00:03:04,390 --> 00:03:11,100
So why and how did I begin
to forget who I really am?

59
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I was born a happy kid
in a troubled household.

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I lived with four siblings and my parents
in a two-bedroom apartment in a ghetto.

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My father was scary, angry
and unpredictably violent.

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My mother was always
running around terrified.

63
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I wasn't getting much love.

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Now, since my life
was in my parents' hands,

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it would've been absolutely terrifying
for me to admit that they were flawed.

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So, instead, a voice
started forming in my head

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and saying that my parents were perfect

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and the reason they didn't love me
was because I was unworthy of their love.

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I now call this voice the "Judge."

70
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,620
Of course, once the Judge
started judging me,

71
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,780
it also had to start judging
everybody else around me

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so that I would be less terrified.

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I grew up completely unaware

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that this Judge character was beginning
to take control in my mind.

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I only discovered it 27 years later

76
00:04:20,685 --> 00:04:23,600
in an MBA class, right here at Stanford.

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We were divided into groups
of 12 MBA students sitting in a circle,

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sharing our emotions openly.

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One of my classmates in the circle
turned to me and said nervously,

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"Shirzad, this is really hard
for me to tell you,

81
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but I often feel harshly judged by you,
and it really bothers me."

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I turned to him and said,

83
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"John, thank you so much
for telling me this.

84
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This is very helpful feedback."

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In the back of my mind, I was thinking,

86
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"Well, of course you feel judged
by me, you idiot.

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(Laughter)

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You are the biggest loser in this group.

89
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(Laughter)

90
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,550
How else do you expect me
to think of you?"

91
00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:14,020
But then a second person, a third person
and a fourth person in the group

92
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said exactly the same thing.

93
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I kept thanking them politely

94
00:05:17,390 --> 00:05:22,020
while thinking, "What losers,
blaming me for their insecurity."

95
00:05:24,370 --> 00:05:27,030
I really - I did think
like that, trust me.

96
00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:33,090
But somehow the fifth person
finally got through.

97
00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:34,465
All of a sudden, I realized,

98
00:05:34,465 --> 00:05:38,360
"Oh my God, they are right.
I judge everything instantly.

99
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This Judge character in my head

100
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:45,180
was constantly and brutally
beating down not only others, but myself.

101
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It was the invisible character in my head.

102
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It was the invisible lens
that distorted my reality.

103
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And that discovery changed my life.

104
00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:07,765
Since this invisible character,
Judge character in my head,

105
00:06:07,765 --> 00:06:09,380
secretly sabotaged me,

106
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I called him a "Saboteur."

107
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I later discovered that in addition
to the Judge Saboteur,

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there are nine other Saboteurs,

109
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like the Controller, Stickler and Victim.

110
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Even in a perfectly happy childhood,

111
00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:32,045
you still develop
a couple of these Saboteurs

112
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as a coping mechanisms
as a vulnerable kid.

113
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For example, you might develop
Controller tendencies

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to feel safer in a chaotic environment

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or become the Victim
to get more attention.

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The problem is that these Saboteurs
become the invisible masters in your head,

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just like my Judge had.

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They pretend they are you,
but they aren't you.

119
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That's how you forget who you really are.

120
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A war is constantly raging
inside your head

121
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between your Saboteurs
and your original true self,

122
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whom I call your Sage.

123
00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:28,260
These are based on entirely different
regions of your brain.

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Your Saboteurs are based
on the survival-brain region,

125
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which is made up mostly of the brain stem,
limbic system and parts of the left brain.

126
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Your Sage is based
on the positive-intelligence brain,

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which is made up mostly
of the middle prefrontal cortex,

128
00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:48,900
ACC insular cortex
and parts of the right brain.

129
00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:54,140
Here is a fascinating insight
and clue to your happiness.

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Look at this: the survival-brain region
and its Saboteurs are wired,

131
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,830
are neurochemically wired
to feel stress and unhappiness.

132
00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:06,820
They just can't help themselves.

133
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,830
If you want to feel consistently happier,

134
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you must learn to strengthen your Sage
and weaken your Saboteurs.

135
00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:18,550
It's just a matter
of neurochemical science.

136
00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:24,355
One of the things
that I can guarantee you,

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based on my experience,

138
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is that you can achieve all the great
wealth and success in the world

139
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:36,710
and still feel deeply unhappy
because of your Saboteurs.

140
00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:40,240
I once ran a leadership
development seminar

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00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,440
for more than 100 CEOs and presidents

142
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:48,320
who are all extremely successful
and look perfectly happy on the outside.

143
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:53,550
I told them, "Look, I have coached
too many successful CEOs and billionaires

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00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:58,750
to be still fooled by your facade
of confidence and happiness."

145
00:08:58,750 --> 00:09:02,990
So I asked them to anonymously
write on an index card

146
00:09:02,990 --> 00:09:08,620
one secret they never shared
about how they really felt inside.

147
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:12,710
With their permission,
I'd like to read some of those cards.

148
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:20,930
"I am terrified of failing
as the leader of my business."

149
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,120
"I am rarely at peace with myself."

150
00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:30,200
"I fear dying of an early age
from overwork and stress."

151
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,440
"I am feeling very sad and lonely,

152
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,300
and the antidepressants I'm on
don't seem to be helping."

153
00:09:37,970 --> 00:09:42,870
"I battle with constantly ranking
and judging everyone around me."

154
00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:47,980
"I have no idea how
to truly connect with my only son."

155
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:52,990
"My air of confidence is false."

156
00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:57,580
"I am self-destructive,
and I don't know why."

157
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:02,600
"I don't love myself very much."

158
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,630
"I lack strength in resisting
temptations and desires."

159
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:14,200
"I often feel like I'm a fraud."

160
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,450
"I worry my materialism
is hurting my children."

161
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:24,590
"I have been abusing drugs and alcohol
to deal with stress."

162
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,820
I wish I could run away
for one year - just be alone."

163
00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:32,760
And finally,

164
00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:36,875
"I'm afraid of ending up like my father,

165
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:41,380
who is unloved and will die alone."

166
00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:54,400
This is the story of our lives, folks.

167
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:59,000
I have worked with people
ranging from these CEOs

168
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,960
to people on the manufacturing floor
without high school diplomas.

169
00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:08,310
Regardless of our level
of wealth or success,

170
00:11:08,340 --> 00:11:12,110
these Saboteurs are still there,
tormenting us.

171
00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:17,480
I used to think I was particularly
broken and screwed up.

172
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:20,420
What a relief to discover

173
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:24,680
that we are all screwed up
by our Saboteurs.

174
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,110
(Laughter)

175
00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:31,340
So, who are these Saboteurs?

176
00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,480
In my research,

177
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,665
I have classified the Saboteurs
based on their motivation

178
00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:39,770
for independence, acceptance or security

179
00:11:39,770 --> 00:11:43,850
and their style of assert, earn or avoid.

180
00:11:43,850 --> 00:11:49,710
This grid shows
the gang of nine Saboteurs.

181
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:53,820
They are Controller,
Hyper-Achiever, Restless,

182
00:11:54,490 --> 00:11:57,310
Stickler, Pleaser, Hyper-Vigilant,

183
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,880
and Avoider, Victim, Hyper-Rational.

184
00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:03,350
What a cast of characters.

185
00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:04,680
(Laughter)

186
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,405
Everyone has the master Judge Saboteur

187
00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:13,110
in addition to at least one
from this gang of nine.

188
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,970
Now, before you are able
to weaken these Saboteurs,

189
00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:23,362
you need to be able to catch them
in your head, red-handed.

190
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,480
Imagine that you're in the middle
of an important project

191
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:34,140
and have just learned that you've
completely failed the midway milestones.

192
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:39,600
Here is how some of your Saboteurs
in your head might be talking.

193
00:12:40,770 --> 00:12:42,340
Judge -

194
00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:48,870
"Oh, I'm a loser, just a stupid loser.

195
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:52,110
Everything will start crashing down now."

196
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:54,570
Controller -

197
00:12:56,420 --> 00:12:59,865
"But my way's always the right way.

198
00:13:00,165 --> 00:13:02,570
Someone else must have screwed up."

199
00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:04,570
(Laughter)

200
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,880
Victim -

201
00:13:07,850 --> 00:13:11,770
"Oh, they did it to me again.

202
00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:17,470
Just watch. That next lightning
will be striking right here!"

203
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:19,630
Ow, that hurt.

204
00:13:19,630 --> 00:13:21,080
(Laughter)

205
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,740
Stickler -

206
00:13:23,650 --> 00:13:30,200
"I knew it! That report cover
used the wrong shade of blue."

207
00:13:32,930 --> 00:13:34,420
Avoider -

208
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:40,920
"Oh, there's still plenty of time.
I wonder where I should go for lunch.

209
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,370
(Laughter)

210
00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:45,170
Hyper-Vigilant -

211
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,680
(Laughter)

212
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,550
That's me tearing my hair out -
if I still had any.

213
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:56,910
And so on with the other five Saboteurs.

214
00:13:56,910 --> 00:14:01,670
Now, once you catch
a Saboteur in your mind,

215
00:14:01,670 --> 00:14:02,900
what you want to do

216
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,770
is just label that thought
as "Saboteur" and let it go

217
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,880
instead of trusting it or pursuing it.

218
00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:12,330
Just notice the difference
between me saying "I will fail tomorrow"

219
00:14:12,330 --> 00:14:17,000
versus "My pesky Judge Saboteur
says I'll fail tomorrow."

220
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,695
You feel the difference?

221
00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:24,740
You weaken your Saboteurs
by exposing and labeling them.

222
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:31,770
Now, how would your Sage respond
in the same exact scenario?

223
00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:36,280
One of the most brilliant things
about your Sage is the Sage perspective.

224
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:42,150
Every outcome or circumstance
can be turned into an opportunity.

225
00:14:42,150 --> 00:14:48,940
So you ask, "How do I turn my failure
in this project into an opportunity?"

226
00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:54,100
This perspective changes everything.

227
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:58,630
With this perspective, you keep
the positive-intelligence brain activated,

228
00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:04,880
which gives you access
to five great Sage powers.

229
00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:07,110
Empathize.

230
00:15:07,170 --> 00:15:08,990
Your Sage knows

231
00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:11,820
that beating yourself down
when you're already down

232
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,770
is absolutely insane.

233
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:18,080
So you feel compassion for yourself
and others as fallible humans.

234
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,570
This keeps you energized and positive.

235
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,080
Explore.

236
00:15:25,170 --> 00:15:29,720
You become the fascinated
explorer kid in the woods,

237
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,800
turning over every rock
to see what's underneath it.

238
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,370
You become fascinated to discover

239
00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:40,000
all the factors contributing
to your project's failure.

240
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,545
You discover things
you couldn't have seen

241
00:15:42,545 --> 00:15:45,170
if you were upset or defensive.

242
00:15:46,370 --> 00:15:47,600
Innovate.

243
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:53,690
You become the innovative kid
on the beach, building sandcastles again.

244
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:59,990
Since your positive-intelligence brain
is wired for creativity,

245
00:15:59,990 --> 00:16:04,030
you can take all of these discoveries
about your project's failure

246
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:08,050
into creative new solutions
for the project.

247
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:15,420
And in the interest of time,
you then navigate by choosing a direction

248
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:19,810
and move into fearless, bold action.

249
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:25,110
Your Sage performs a lot better
and remains positive

250
00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:29,220
even in the middle of this crisis.

251
00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:32,020
Now, you would only be able
to perform this way

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if you have strong Sage muscles.

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Functional MRI of the brain shows

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that one technique
to build powerful Sage muscles

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is to shift your attention
to one physical sensation for ten seconds

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a few times every hour,

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a few reps an hour.

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This leads to some
surprising recommendations.

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For example, if you want
to perform better in your job,

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then really, really taste
that bite of your crunchy apple,

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really see the hundred shades of color
in your friend's eyes,

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or hug your loved one so attentively
that you feel her heartbeat.

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This, surprisingly,
sounds too good to be true

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until you study the neuroscience evidence.

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In order to track your progress,
we can now actually measure

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the strength of your Sage muscles
versus your Saboteurs',

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based on your emotions
in a typical 24-hour period.

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We have defined this ratio

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as your positive intelligence
quotient or "PQ."

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Independent researchers have now shown

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that with increased PQ,
people are far happier and less stressed.

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They also perform much better.

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For example, almost 40% better in sales

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and a third better
in team performance metrics.

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Everyone can learn to strengthen
their Sage muscles with a little practice.

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And finally,

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you can help strengthen the Sage
in your loved ones.

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Unlike my daughter, Tisa,
my son, Kion, loves tickling.

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So I have invented a game with him

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where I start tickling him and stop
only if he gives me all the right answers.

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So I start tickling him and ask,

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"Kion, why do I love you so much?"

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He has learned to say, and he says,

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"I don't know, Daddy.
Why do you love me so much?"

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I ask, "Is it because you're so handsome?"

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I know, it's his mother's genes - right? -
you don't have to tell me that.

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(Laughter)

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And he has learned to say, and he says,

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"No, Daddy, it isn't
because I am handsome."

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I ask, "Is it because
you get good grades?"

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"No, Daddy, it isn't."

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00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:04,890
"Is it because you're good in sports?"
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

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So I go down a long list
of his great qualities,

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and he keeps saying,
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

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So at the end,
I pretend great frustration,

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and I say, "So why is it, Kion,
why do I love you so much?"

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And he has learned to say, and he says,

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"Daddy, it's because I am me!"

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Daddy, it's because I am me!

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His beautiful true self, his Sage.

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What about you?

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What would life be like

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if you fully reclaimed
your beautiful true self,

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your Sage?

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What would be the gift of that to you,
to your loved ones, to our world?

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What would become possible then?

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You are a special, unique
and magnificent being!

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It's time for you to remember!

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Thank you.

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(Applause)