WEBVTT

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I'd like to start
by making one thing very clear.

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I want you to know that I am

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absolutely,

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incredibly

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and totally

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awesome!

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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Now, before you start thinking
that I have a problem with humility,

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which I don't,

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(Laughter)

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let me add something important.

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I believe you, too, are awesome!

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Is that better now?

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(Audience) Yes.

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(Applause)

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But I also believe, based on my research,

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that there is - no, it's me, okay.

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But I also believe, based on my research,

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that there's an 80% probability

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that you have no idea
how truly magnificent you really are.

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You used to know, but you've forgotten.

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I'm here to show you

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the science behind how you
gradually forget your true self,

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your true potential,

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and how you can rediscover and unleash

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an even happier and more capable
version of yourself,

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the true magnificent you!

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Is that cool?

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Great!

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I lecture on this topic,
right here at Stanford,

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and my work is based on extensive research
in neuroscience and psychology.

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I'd like to show you
my most important evidence

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proving that you used to know
how amazing you really are!

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Would you like to see that evidence?

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Well, here it is.

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Do you think she knows
how magnificent she is?

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Absolutely. She is radiating with it.

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What about him?

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Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

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Every strand of his hair
knows how magnificent he is.

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(Laughter)

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And what about these two?

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I know they know
because they are my precious kids,

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Tisa and Kion.

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The point is this:

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you were born as a unique
and magnificent being

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and you used to know it!

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But what about this one?

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Do you think he knows
how magnificent he is?

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He actually has no clue;

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he used to know,

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but by the time this picture is taken,
he no longer remembers.

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By the way, this is me.

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Adorable, right?

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(Laughter)

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I told you.

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(Laughter)

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So why and how did I begin
to forget who I really am?

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I was born a happy kid
in a troubled household.

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I lived with four siblings and my parents
in a two-bedroom apartment in a ghetto.

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My father was scary, angry
and unpredictably violent.

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My mother was always
running around terrified.

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I wasn't getting much love.

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Now, since my life
was in my parents' hands,

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it would've been absolutely terrifying
for me to admit that they were flawed.

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So, instead, a voice
started forming in my head

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and saying that my parents were perfect

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and the reason they didn't love me
was because I was unworthy of their love.

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I now call this voice the "Judge."

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Of course, once the Judge
started judging me,

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it also had to start judging
everybody else around me

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so that I would be less terrified.

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I grew up completely unaware

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that this Judge character was beginning
to take control in my mind.

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I only discovered it 27 years later

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in an MBA class, right here at Stanford.

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We were divided into groups
of 12 MBA students sitting in a circle,

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sharing our emotions openly.

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One of my classmates in the circle
turned to me and said nervously,

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"Shirzad, this is really hard
for me to tell you,

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but I often feel harshly judged by you,
and it really bothers me."

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I turned to him and said,

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"John, thank you so much
for telling me this.

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This is very helpful feedback."

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In the back of my mind, I was thinking,

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"Well, of course you feel judged
by me, you idiot.

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(Laughter)

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You are the biggest loser in this group.

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(Laughter)

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How else do you expect me
to think of you?"

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But then a second person, a third person
and a fourth person in the group

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said exactly the same thing.

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I kept thanking them politely

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while thinking, "What losers,
blaming me for their insecurity."

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I really - I did think
like that, trust me.

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But somehow the fifth person
finally got through.

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All of a sudden, I realized,

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"Oh my God, they are right.
I judge everything instantly.

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This Judge character in my head

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was constantly and brutally
beating down not only others, but myself.

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It was the invisible character in my head.

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It was the invisible lens
that distorted my reality.

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And that discovery changed my life.

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Since this invisible character,
Judge character in my head,

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secretly sabotaged me,

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I called him a "Saboteur."

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I later discovered that in addition
to the Judge Saboteur,

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there are nine other Saboteurs,

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like the Controller, Stickler and Victim.

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Even in a perfectly happy childhood,

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you still develop
a couple of these Saboteurs

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as a coping mechanisms
as a vulnerable kid.

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For example, you might develop
Controller tendencies

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to feel safer in a chaotic environment

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or become the Victim
to get more attention.

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The problem is that these Saboteurs
become the invisible masters in your head,

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just like my Judge had.

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They pretend they are you,
but they aren't you.

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That's how you forget who you really are.

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A war is constantly raging
inside your head

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between your Saboteurs
and your original true self,

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whom I call your Sage.

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These are based on entirely different
regions of your brain.

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Your Saboteurs are based
on the survival-brain region,

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which is made up mostly of the brain stem,
limbic system and parts of the left brain.

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Your Sage is based
on the positive-intelligence brain,

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which is made up mostly
of the middle prefrontal cortex,

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ACC insular cortex
and parts of the right brain.

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Here is a fascinating insight
and clue to your happiness.

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Look at this: the survival-brain region
and its Saboteurs are wired,

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are neurochemically wired
to feel stress and unhappiness.

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They just can't help themselves.

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If you want to feel consistently happier,

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you must learn to strengthen your Sage
and weaken your Saboteurs.

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It's just a matter
of neurochemical science.

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One of the things
that I can guarantee you,

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based on my experience,

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is that you can achieve all the great
wealth and success in the world

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and still feel deeply unhappy
because of your Saboteurs.

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I once ran a leadership
development seminar

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for more than 100 CEOs and presidents

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who are all extremely successful
and look perfectly happy on the outside.

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I told them, "Look, I have coached
too many successful CEOs and billionaires

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to be still fooled by your facade
of confidence and happiness."

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So I asked them to anonymously
write on an index card

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one secret they never shared
about how they really felt inside.

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With their permission,
I'd like to read some of those cards.

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"I am terrified of failing
as the leader of my business."

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"I am rarely at peace with myself."

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"I fear dying of an early age
from overwork and stress."

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"I am feeling very sad and lonely,

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and the antidepressants I'm on
don't seem to be helping."

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"I battle with constantly ranking
and judging everyone around me."

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"I have no idea how
to truly connect with my only son."

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"My air of confidence is false."

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"I am self-destructive,
and I don't know why."

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"I don't love myself very much."

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"I lack strength in resisting
temptations and desires."

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"I often feel like I'm a fraud."

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"I worry my materialism
is hurting my children."

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"I have been abusing drugs and alcohol
to deal with stress."

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I wish I could run away
for one year - just be alone."

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And finally,

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"I'm afraid of ending up like my father,

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who is unloved and will die alone."

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This is the story of our lives, folks.

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I have worked with people
ranging from these CEOs

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to people on the manufacturing floor
without high school diplomas.

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Regardless of our level
of wealth or success,

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these Saboteurs are still there,
tormenting us.

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I used to think I was particularly
broken and screwed up.

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What a relief to discover

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that we are all screwed up
by our Saboteurs.

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(Laughter)

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So, who are these Saboteurs?

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In my research,

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I have classified the Saboteurs
based on their motivation

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for independence, acceptance or security

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and their style of assert, earn or avoid.

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This grid shows
the gang of nine Saboteurs.

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They are Controller,
Hyper-Achiever, Restless,

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Stickler, Pleaser, Hyper-Vigilant,

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and Avoider, Victim, Hyper-Rational.

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What a cast of characters.

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(Laughter)

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Everyone has the master Judge Saboteur

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in addition to at least one
from this gang of nine.

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Now, before you are able
to weaken these Saboteurs,

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you need to be able to catch them
in your head, red-handed.

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Imagine that you're in the middle
of an important project

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and have just learned that you've
completely failed the midway milestones.

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Here is how some of your Saboteurs
in your head might be talking.

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Judge -

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"Oh, I'm a loser, just a stupid loser.

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Everything will start crashing down now."

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Controller -

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"But my way's always the right way.

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Someone else must have screwed up."

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(Laughter)

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Victim -

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"Oh, they did it to me again.

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Just watch. That next lightning
will be striking right here!"

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Ow, that hurt.

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(Laughter)

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Stickler -

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"I knew it! That report cover
used the wrong shade of blue."

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Avoider -

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"Oh, there's still plenty of time.
I wonder where I should go for lunch.

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(Laughter)

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Hyper-Vigilant -

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(Laughter)

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That's me tearing my hair out -
if I still had any.

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And so on with the other five Saboteurs.

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Now, once you catch
a Saboteur in your mind,

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what you want to do

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is just label that thought
as "Saboteur" and let it go

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instead of trusting it or pursuing it.

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Just notice the difference
between me saying "I will fail tomorrow"

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versus "My pesky Judge Saboteur
says I'll fail tomorrow."

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You feel the difference?

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You weaken your Saboteurs
by exposing and labeling them.

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Now, how would your Sage respond
in the same exact scenario?

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One of the most brilliant things
about your Sage is the Sage perspective.

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Every outcome or circumstance
can be turned into an opportunity.

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So you ask, "How do I turn my failure
in this project into an opportunity?"

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This perspective changes everything.

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With this perspective, you keep
the positive-intelligence brain activated,

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which gives you access
to five great Sage powers.

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Empathize.

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Your Sage knows

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that beating yourself down
when you're already down

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is absolutely insane.

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So you feel compassion for yourself
and others as fallible humans.

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This keeps you energized and positive.

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Explore.

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You become the fascinated
explorer kid in the woods,

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turning over every rock
to see what's underneath it.

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You become fascinated to discover

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all the factors contributing
to your project's failure.

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You discover things
you couldn't have seen

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if you were upset or defensive.

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Innovate.

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You become the innovative kid
on the beach, building sandcastles again.

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Since your positive-intelligence brain
is wired for creativity,

00:15:59.990 --> 00:16:04.030
you can take all of these discoveries
about your project's failure

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into creative new solutions
for the project.

00:16:08.880 --> 00:16:15.420
And in the interest of time,
you then navigate by choosing a direction

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and move into fearless, bold action.

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Your Sage performs a lot better
and remains positive

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even in the middle of this crisis.

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Now, you would only be able
to perform this way

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if you have strong Sage muscles.

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Functional MRI of the brain shows

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that one technique
to build powerful Sage muscles

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is to shift your attention
to one physical sensation for ten seconds

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a few times every hour,

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a few reps an hour.

00:16:52.310 --> 00:16:55.280
This leads to some
surprising recommendations.

00:16:55.280 --> 00:16:59.130
For example, if you want
to perform better in your job,

00:16:59.130 --> 00:17:05.450
then really, really taste
that bite of your crunchy apple,

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really see the hundred shades of color
in your friend's eyes,

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or hug your loved one so attentively
that you feel her heartbeat.

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This, surprisingly,
sounds too good to be true

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until you study the neuroscience evidence.

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In order to track your progress,
we can now actually measure

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the strength of your Sage muscles
versus your Saboteurs',

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based on your emotions
in a typical 24-hour period.

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We have defined this ratio

00:17:44.765 --> 00:17:48.390
as your positive intelligence
quotient or "PQ."

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Independent researchers have now shown

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that with increased PQ,
people are far happier and less stressed.

00:17:56.310 --> 00:17:58.570
They also perform much better.

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For example, almost 40% better in sales

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and a third better
in team performance metrics.

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Everyone can learn to strengthen
their Sage muscles with a little practice.

00:18:13.450 --> 00:18:15.680
And finally,

00:18:16.420 --> 00:18:21.890
you can help strengthen the Sage
in your loved ones.

00:18:22.510 --> 00:18:27.200
Unlike my daughter, Tisa,
my son, Kion, loves tickling.

00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:30.590
So I have invented a game with him

00:18:30.590 --> 00:18:35.310
where I start tickling him and stop
only if he gives me all the right answers.

00:18:35.370 --> 00:18:37.350
So I start tickling him and ask,

00:18:37.350 --> 00:18:39.830
"Kion, why do I love you so much?"

00:18:39.830 --> 00:18:41.630
He has learned to say, and he says,

00:18:41.630 --> 00:18:44.550
"I don't know, Daddy.
Why do you love me so much?"

00:18:45.310 --> 00:18:48.930
I ask, "Is it because you're so handsome?"

00:18:48.930 --> 00:18:52.650
I know, it's his mother's genes - right? -
you don't have to tell me that.

00:18:52.650 --> 00:18:54.020
(Laughter)

00:18:54.740 --> 00:18:56.770
And he has learned to say, and he says,

00:18:56.770 --> 00:18:58.840
"No, Daddy, it isn't
because I am handsome."

00:18:58.850 --> 00:19:00.910
I ask, "Is it because
you get good grades?"

00:19:00.910 --> 00:19:02.030
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

00:19:02.030 --> 00:19:04.890
"Is it because you're good in sports?"
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

00:19:04.890 --> 00:19:07.130
So I go down a long list
of his great qualities,

00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:09.150
and he keeps saying,
"No, Daddy, it isn't."

00:19:09.150 --> 00:19:11.705
So at the end,
I pretend great frustration,

00:19:11.705 --> 00:19:15.370
and I say, "So why is it, Kion,
why do I love you so much?"

00:19:15.370 --> 00:19:17.340
And he has learned to say, and he says,

00:19:17.340 --> 00:19:19.950
"Daddy, it's because I am me!"

00:19:32.040 --> 00:19:34.600
Daddy, it's because I am me!

00:19:36.620 --> 00:19:40.840
His beautiful true self, his Sage.

00:19:43.910 --> 00:19:46.200
What about you?

00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:50.985
What would life be like

00:19:50.985 --> 00:19:56.400
if you fully reclaimed
your beautiful true self,

00:19:56.400 --> 00:19:58.170
your Sage?

00:20:00.360 --> 00:20:05.770
What would be the gift of that to you,
to your loved ones, to our world?

00:20:07.510 --> 00:20:10.170
What would become possible then?

00:20:12.530 --> 00:20:17.370
You are a special, unique
and magnificent being!

00:20:17.370 --> 00:20:21.080
It's time for you to remember!

00:20:22.310 --> 00:20:23.940
Thank you.

00:20:23.940 --> 00:20:26.330
(Applause)