9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So when you think about a child,[br]a close friend, or a romantic partner, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the word "love" probably comes to mind, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and instantly other emotions rush in: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 joy and hope, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 excitement, trust and security, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and yes, sometimes[br]sadness and disappointment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There might not be[br]a word in the dictionary 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that more of us[br]are connected to than love. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yet, given its central[br]importance in our lives, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 isn't it interesting that we're never[br]explicitly taught how to love? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We build friendships, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 navigate early romantic relationships, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 get married and bring babies[br]home from the hospital 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 with the expectation[br]that we'll figure it out. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But the truth is, we often harm[br]and disrespect the ones we love. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It can be subtle things[br]like guilting a friend 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 into spending time with you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or sneaking a peak[br]at your partner's texts 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or shaming a child[br]for their lack of effort at school. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 100 percent of us will be[br]on the receiving end 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of unhealthy relationship behaviors, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and 100 percent of us[br]will do unhealthy things. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's part of being human. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 In its worst form, the harm[br]we inflict on loved ones 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 shows up as abuse and violence, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and relationship abuse 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is something that one in three women[br]and one in four men 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 will experience in their lifetime. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, if you're like most people,[br]when you hear those stats, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you'll go, oh, no no no,[br]that would never happen to me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's instinctual to move away[br]from the words "abuse" and "violence," 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to think that they happen[br]to someone else somewhere else. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But the truth is, unhealthy relationships[br]and abuse are all around us. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We just call them different things[br]and ignore the connection. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Abuse sneaks up on us[br]disguised in unhealthy love. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I work for an organization called One Love 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 started by a family whose daughter[br]Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This was a tragedy no one saw coming, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but when they looked back, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they realized the warning signs were there 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 just no one understood[br]what they were seeing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Called crazy or drama[br]or too much drinking, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 his actions weren't understood[br]to be what they really were, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 which was clear signs of danger. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Her family realized that if anyone[br]had been educated about these signs, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 her death could have been prevented. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So today we're on a mission[br]to make sure that others 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 have the information[br]that Yeardley and her friends didn't. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have three main goals: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 give all of us a language[br]for talking about a subject 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that's quite awkward[br]and uncomfortable to discuss; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 empower a whole frontline,[br]namely friends, to help; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and, in the process, improve[br]all of our ability to love better. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 To do this, it's always important[br]to start by illuminating 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the unhealthy signs[br]that we frequently miss, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and our work really focuses[br]on creating content 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to start conversations with young people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 As you'd expect, most of our content is[br]pretty serious, given the subject at hand, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but today I'm going to use[br]one of our more light-hearted 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 yet still thought-provoking pieces, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the Couplets, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to illuminate five markers[br]of unhealthy love. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The first is intensity. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Video) Blue: I haven't[br]seen you in a couple days. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've missed you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.[br](#thatslove) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.[br]It feels like a lifetime. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What have you been doing[br]without me for five whole minutes? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange: It's been three minutes.[br](#thatsnotlove) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?[br]I don't know. I do. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Abusive relationships[br]don't start out abusive. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They start out exciting and exhilarating. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's an intensity[br]of affection and emotion, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a rush. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It feels really good. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You feel so lucky,[br]like you've hit the jackpot. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But in unhealthy love,[br]these feelings shift over time 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 from exciting to overwhelming[br]and maybe a little bit suffocating. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You feel it in your gut. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe it's when your[br]new boyfriend or girlfriend 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 says I love you faster[br]than you were ready for 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or starts showing up everywhere,[br]texting and calling a lot. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe they're impatient[br]when you're slow to respond, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 even though they know[br]you had other things going on that day. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's important to remember that it's not[br]how a relationship starts that matters, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's how it evolves. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's important in the early days[br]of a new relationship 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to pay attention to how you're feeling. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Are you comfortable[br]with the pace of intimacy? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Do you feel like you have space[br]and room to breathe? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's also really important[br]to start practicing using your voice 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to talk about your own needs. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Are your requests respected? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A second marker is isolation. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 2: Want to hang out later? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend[br]always have Monday Funday. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 2: Tomorrow?[br]Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Orange 2: Wednesday?[br]Orange 1: No Friends Day. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (#thatsnotlove) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 KH: If you ask me, isolation[br]is one of the most frequently missed 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Well, because every new relationship[br]starts out with this intense desire 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to spend time together, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's easy to miss when something shifts. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Isolation creeps in when[br]your new boyfriend or girlfriend 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 starts pulling you away[br]from your friends and family, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 your support system, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and tethering you more tightly to them. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They might say things like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Why do you hang out with them?[br]They're such losers" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about your best friends, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or, "They want us to break up.[br]They're totally against us" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about your family. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about everyone from[br]your pre-relationship life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Healthy love includes independence, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 two people who love spending time together 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but who stay connected to the people[br]and activities they cared about before. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 While at first you might spend[br]every waking minute together, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 over time maintaining independence is key. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You do this by making plans with friends[br]and sticking to them 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and encouraging your partner[br]to do the same. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A third marker of unhealthy love[br]is extreme jealousy.