WEBVTT

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the word "love" probably comes to mind,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and instantly other emotions rush in:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
joy and hope,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
excitement, trust and security,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
There might not be
a word in the dictionary

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that more of us
are connected to than love.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We build friendships,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
navigate early romantic relationships,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But the truth is, we often harm
and disrespect the ones we love.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It can be subtle things
like guilting a friend

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
into spending time with you

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or sneaking a peak
at your partner's texts

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
100 percent of us will be
on the receiving end

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
of unhealthy relationship behaviors,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's part of being human.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
In its worst form, the harm
we inflict on loved ones

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
shows up as abuse and violence,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and relationship abuse

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is something that one in three women
and one in four men

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
will experience in their lifetime.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you'll go, oh, no no no,
that would never happen to me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I work for an organization called One Love

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but when they looked back,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they realized the warning signs were there

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
just no one understood
what they were seeing.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
which was clear signs of danger.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
her death could have been prevented.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So today we're on a mission
to make sure that others

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We have three main goals:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
empower a whole frontline,
namely friends, to help;

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and our work really focuses
on creating content

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to start conversations with young people.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
As you'd expect, most of our content is
pretty serious, given the subject at hand,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
yet still thought-provoking pieces,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the Couplets,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
The first is intensity.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Video) Blue: I haven't
seen you in a couple days.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I've missed you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange: Aww, I've missed you too.
(#thatslove)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They start out exciting and exhilarating.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
a rush.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It feels really good.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You feel it in your gut.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
says I love you faster
than you were ready for

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
it's how it evolves.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to pay attention to how you're feeling.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to talk about your own needs.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Are your requests respected?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
A second marker is isolation.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 2: Awww. (#thatslove)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 2: Want to hang out later?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(#thatsnotlove)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Why?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Well, because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to spend time together,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
it's easy to miss when something shifts.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Isolation creeps in when
your new boyfriend or girlfriend

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
your support system,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and tethering you more tightly to them.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They might say things like,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
about your best friends,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
about your family.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
about everyone from
your pre-relationship life.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Healthy love includes independence,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
two people who love spending time together

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
over time maintaining independence is key.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.