*# Who, stole my heart away *# Who, makes me dream all day *# Dreams I know can never come true *# Seems as though I'll ever be blue *# Who, means my happiness *# Who, would I answer yes to *# To none other than you *# No one, but you! STAGE ACTOR (AS KING CLAUDIUS) Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Moreover that we much did long to see you, The need we have to use you did provoke Our hasty sending. Something have you heard Of Hamlet’s transformation, so call it, Sith nor th’ exterior nor the inward man Resembles that it was. What it should be, More than his father’s death, that thus hath put him So much from th’ understanding of himself I cannot dream of. I entreat you both That, being of so young days brought up with him And sith so neighbored to his youth and havior, so by your companies To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather So much as from occasion you may glean, Whether aught to us unknown afflicts him thus STAGE ACTOR (AS QUEEN GERTRUDE) Good gentlemen, he hath much talked of you, And sure I am two men there is not living To whom he more adheres. If it will please you To show us so much gentry and goodwill As to expend your time with us awhile For the supply and profit of our hope, Your visitation shall receive such thanks As fits a king’s remembrance. Somebody's just walking out. STAGE ACTOR (AS ROSENCRANTZ) Sovereign power you have of us, Put your dread pleasures more into command Than to entreaty. STAGE ACTOR (AS GUILDENSTERN) But we both obey, And here give up ourselves in the full bent GUY: What a pleasure in this day and age to hear the language so beautifully spoken. Dear, dear, I'm not walking out. I just have to deal for a piss, you see. Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz. And I beseech you instantly to visit Wait and listen. Go, some of you, And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is. Heavens make our presence and our practices… [CLEARING THROAT] Going to the… excuse me. # Our hope for years to come, # Our shelter from the stormy blast, # And our eternal home. # Before the hills in order stood, # No soap. There's never any soap. Do I want to be sick? - Huh? No, no, not yet. Hmm. You know, you remind me of a stoker I once knew. [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] My dear lady, I do assure you, that I am an old friend of the leading actor. We were at Cambridge together. Young men together at university. They've come such a long way one should simply put the head around the door. My Pass... My Pass... I'm sure I'm not the first person to remark on your pronounced resemblance to the late Ernest Bevin. It is most striking. You could be sisters. Oh, yes striking looks, I know, but quite amusing. Mmm-hmm. One seems such a villain. And I guess I am, Oh, uh, hurry up. I'm not feeling at all well. Oh, dear.Thank you. Thank you. The drink, the drink. It's the drink! Aren't you feeling well? Yes, thank you, I am perfectly all right. Well, I'll get the woman. I'm in a French faux. Oh, run that tap, for God's sake. - Oh, yes. - I wouldn't care, but it's only the interval. If you want to come round and be sick you might at least save it for the end of the performance. Oh, Pears soap. Who are you? And who is that boy outside? Boy? Outside? I do not know. I have not seen that one before. Can I get one of these? I love your frock. You are very rude. Are you from the embassy? Not exactly. Well, there can not be many other English in Moscow, who are you? I was at Cambridge with Hamlet. Well, why do not we tell him that you are here? He's only down the corridor. All in good time. The question is, are we as welcome as ever? I know your face. Craven A, for your throat's sake, Mmm. Are you enjoying the play? I'm adoring it. I like the local Laertes. The stockings are good. Yes, that's what he thinks. It looks like a pair of King Edwards has been put on. How do you like Moscow? Oh, I hate it darling. I can not understand what those Three Sisters are all about. It gives the play a very sinister bias. The second act begins, please. Ah, a drink would help. Begin the second act, please. Do not you think you've had enough? All right. If you're not at the embassy, what do you do? I establish contacts. Are you press? Something similar, yes. You're not feeling sick again? Uh, you know, I think I am, rather Oh, God. One of the few lessons I've learned in my life is that when we're going to be sick, it's always in threes. Your call, Miss Browne. Yes, here it comes. Oh, God! I'll send somebody in. Miss Browne, your call! - I must go. - Oh God! Do try to feel better. And go home. Yes. - Oh, I'm so sorry... - I'm a sloppy one. Guy. Guy! But I will delve one yard below their mines, And blow them at the moon: I have a dressing room for me finally. You have the ways of a snake - I am delighted - Good. I am very happy... This man shall set me packing: I'll lug the guts into the neighbour room. Mother, good night. Indeed Is now most still, most secret and most grave, Where is Charles? who was in life a foolish prating knave. Come, sir, to draw toward an end with you. You're cutting fine, darling. Guess who I've just seen coming down the corridor? - Who? - Guy Burgess - Who? - Guy Burgess, dear. The spy. The lost diplomat. Ah, my good lord, what have I seen tonight! What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet? Guy Burgess? How does Hamlet? Mad as the sea... Mad as the sea and wind when both contend Which is the mightier. In his lawless fit, Behind the arras hearing something stir, He whips his rapier out, and cries, "A rat, a rat!" And in his brainish apprehension kills The unseen good old man. Oh, heavy deed! It had been so with us had we been there. His liberty is full of threats to all, To you yourself, to us, to everyone. I do not want to open my mind. I would not like to eat cabbage for breakfast at my house. Why should I eat cabbage for breakfast here? Well, it's a good job, I like beets, Otherwise it would return on the skin and bones. Do not push, Madam. - Mum must be the word, truly. - Why? Well, we do not want any calling The Express. If anyone's going to dinner tonight, knock on my door. He's got fatter. Did you know him? Oh, I used to run across him years ago, the way it was done, you know - You're rather that way, aren't you? - What way? Left. Oh. I was. Everyone was in those days. I like him. Despite the fact that he was sick in my basin. Really? Bags of charm. "Yes." But you're right, I would not want to convert to The Express in my worst enemy - Drink? - I would love to. Where is it gone? My drink! My cigarettes. My soap! That rogue! The bag has fallen. Thank you. - Sleep Cap? - Please! Hot, hot, hot. - Is your room hotter? - Boiling. I am sure it's all part of the cold war No plug. Secret store. Oh! Have you found any bugs? - Come again? - Bugs! - Have you found any bugs? - Bugs? No, mine is very clean. Oh. Wonderful rooms! Every convenience. - All same. - But I have one complaint. Oh, what is that, please? Well, in view of the splendid achievements Of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. I think, at least, they might put a plug in the sink. What? It's like playing Private lives in the Wednesday matinee in Oldham. I'll tell you something else. "Mmm?" You can go off caviar. Who came? Thank you. Please, how do I get there? Well, somebody must be able to tell me how to get there. This is ridiculous. Haven't you got a street directory an A to Z? - Well, uh... Can I get a taxi? - No taxi. - Do you have problems? - Oh no. No. Taxi! Excuse me, do you know where this is? Thank you. Good. I just want to know where the place is. How do I get there? I thought that's what embassies were for. You have to remember, that the gentleman in question was a spy. In England he would be languishing in jail. He's rather languishing here actually. Bring a tape measure. Bring a tape measure? Mr Burgess has asked me to lunch. With a tape measure? - caring for his waistline. Well, you can not stop me from going to lunch. It is a free country. or enough, is not it? Have lunch here. It's Tuesday. There is fish with rice and boiled egg. It is delicious. It's Tuesday. There is fish with rice and hard-boiled egg. Tessa doesn't think we take it seriously. Was he a friend of yours? He popped by my dressing room last night and threw up in the basin. It was love at first sight. First impressions are always the best. You never had any contact with him before? No. You didn't meet him when he was at the Foreign Office? No. - On the BBC? - No. - What about Maclean? - No! Strange to pass by his dressing room. - The ladies are exactly their path. - Are they yours? Of course, if all that happened to him was that he felt bad, that would explain. He was coming around to see one of the actors. Which one? You are not being paid for The Daily Express, are you? They are very keen to take the glove. I should give up the idea. Eat with us. Come on. I have no intention of having lunch with you. He has asked me to call. Do you know where this is? Oh, Tessa does not know, do you, Tessa? Well, Tessa is very thin. Tessa's interest is to waste time. Until she gets her face on the front page of Country Life. After the advertisements. of special tables. Stalin is dead. Exchanges are taking place. You, the Old Vic theater. No overtures, I admit. But the preparatory tuning of the overtures. For the first time in 10 years, we are in the phase of talking to each other. Our friends, the enemy, are just beginning to play ball. We do not want to take the bat home, do we? Burgess and Maclean, are yesterday's breakfast. We want to forget them. The Russians want to forget them. The thing is, we do not want any fuss at this point. No scenes. This is grown-up stuff. I'm going to lunch. A quiet little meal. I am an actress All actresses are crazy. It is a proven fact. Why should there be any fuss? May I just take the note? Certainly not. What a nerve! Oh, do stay to eat, there will be jokes. Yes, Giles knows lots of jokes. Only we have heard them all. New people make such a change. Well, Tessa wants you to stay. Don't you, Tessa? I think you're both shits. I was only teasing! Oh God! This means that we will not talk for a week. Well, thank you for all your help. Oh, do not bother to show me out. Enjoy your fish with rice and hard boiled eggs. Show me that address. Tessa! Naughty. Sorry. Oh... Thank you. Forgive? From the bank and from the river He flashed into the crystal mirror, ‘Tirra lira,’ by the river Sang Sir Lancelot. She left the web, she left the loom, She made three paces through the room, She saw the water-lily bloom, She saw the helmet and the plume, She looked down to Camelot. Out flew the web and floated wide ; The mirror cracked from side to side ; ‘The curse is come upon me,’ cried The Lady of Shalott. I have walked through the middle of Russia to get here. Oh, dear! I guess that's my soap. It is, it is, and very good. Now, have a seat. What a wonderful coat. We are already here. I have been ordering. Here, have a drink? You know, honestly, I thought that you would leave me planted. I nearly did. You steal my soap, you steal my cigarettes, you even stole my face powder. I know, I know. One should have asked. One is such a coward. Good, hard to live in abundance. In fact, almost a swine. You know, I used to live on Jermyn Street. Tragic, you can think. Well, not really. That was a pigsty, too. Knows for its standards, is quite palaciego.Casi very spacious. I am very lucky. If it is our food, is burning. Oh, oh, dear. Oh yeah. Do you think that I can save something? No. Ah! All is not lost. I managed to squeeze two tomatoes. And, a topic of discussion, a grapefruit. We do. - Have a seat. - Ajo? - No thanks. I love it! Well, tell me all the gossip. Do you see Harold Nicolson? He, uh... I've seen him, but I do not know him. Oh! Nice man, nice man What about Cyril Connolly? It is everywhere. Well, I have not met him either. Oh! Somehow, I remember everyone knowing everyone else. Everyone I knew, knew all the others Auden, do you know him? Pope-Hennessy? The theater is in a terrible state. Three works closed in Shaftue in one week Really? A ballet on ice comes here. "All the comrades are nervous about it. I am an antiquated about ice. He used to drive in Cambridge, you know. One thinks about the past and wonders maybe I lost my way. Do not eat the tomato? Well, I'm not hungry. Oh, I do. Yum, yum. Mmm. There. - Mmm. "Do you see a lot of people here?" Oh, yes. Montones of friends. Do not know what you are missing with this tomato. There is a half orange, I suppose. What? Oh yeah. Hmm. He is a virtuoso of the balalaika. We play duets. Maclean? Maclean? Oh no. Maclean is not my friend. "No, honey, oh, no. No no. No, no, he's so serious. No jokes, no jokes at all. Positively the last person that I would have chosen if I had had a choice. And yet we are here in this terrible tandem together, you see Debenham and Freebody. Crosse and Blackwell. Auden and Isherwood. Burgess and Maclean. Do you know Auden? You asked me. No. Do not look. The seeds get into my teeth. You know, people ask me if I have any regrets The one regret I have is that before I came away I did not get a good pair of National Health teeth. Admirable as most things are in the Soviet Socialist Republic, making of dentures is still in its infancy. Hmm. You know, there is no one in Moscow at all. It's rather like staying in Cambridge during long vacations. I settle with anyone who is around here. Me. = No, no, no, no, no. Besides, I asked you to come for a reason. Did you bring a tape measure? I want you to measure me for some suits for my tailor. I only have one suit the one I came away. And I've fallen down a lot since then. But I shan't know where to start - what measurements will he want? Oh, measure it all, he will work it out. He is a nice man. Won't your people here get you a suit? What people? The authorities. Oh, yes, but have you seen them? Clothing has never been the strong point of the comrades. Besides, I do not want to look like everybody else, right? But, I seem to remember how it is done. Your arms can not have changed. You know, I never cared for cumin the clothes before. I always wore traditional clothes in my class, you know. Black coat, striped trousers, diplomatic stripe suits, tweeds on weekends. Shit order, of course. Always in shit order. But lovely, I always had charm. "Well, you still have charm," she said through clenched teeth. Not here, not for them. For charm one needs words, I have no words. And without my clothes, I have no class. For them, I am the Englishman. You would want to go to bed with the English? I wonder? I do not think so. As I have been so spoiled during the war. London awash with rude soldiery. - You speak Russian? - I manage. I should learn, simply for the sex. Boys are quite thin on the ground here. They can not speak my language, I can not speak theirs. so that when I contact one soon I get bored. Sex needs language. Well, at least you found a friend. I do not know whether I've found one. or if I have chosen one. And I... I know what I've done to deserve him. But what has he done to deserve me? Am I a reward or a punishment? He plays the balalaika and I play the piano. It's funny. He is a ballet electrician. Of course, he might be a policeman. If you are a policeman disguises it well. Forster lived with a cop, did not he? Do you know him? I'm afraid I'm a disappointment in the friends department. Oh, no matter. You know, nobody will believe me when I go home. What did you do in Moscow, darling? Nothing much. I took measurements to Guy Burgess' inside the leg. I would not think the inside of one's leg changes much, does it? One of the things that does not change. The knee is such a distance from the main body, while the groin, as your honour knows, is in the curtain of the place. Come again? Tristram Shandy. Of course, you would not, right? Do what? Go around telling everyone. My people here would not like that. No? No. A hat would be nice. 7 and 5/8. Now, I will write the name of my... I have it here, and, oh, and that of my cobbler, too. Oh, it's an outfit. Yes, for marriage at gunpoint. Look, how do you know he will not say no? - Hmm? - Your tailor. It would be vulgar to say no. He will not say no. I will see what I can do. Oh, you're not leaving already, are you? You do not want to leave, right? Well, could not we go somewhere? You could show me the sights. Uh... Well, I can not go out yet, I have to wait for a telephone call When calling the phone, I am permitted to leave. Who from? Oh, you know, my people. It's generally around four. That's another two hours. Never mind. I'll put my Jack Buchanan record. *# Who stole my heart away # Who makes me dream all day *# Dreams I know can never come true *# Seems as though I'll ever be blue *# Who, means my happiness *# Who, would I answer yes to *# To none other than you *# No one, but you! Good, isn't it? Want to hear it again? - You only have the one? - only the one. What's on the other side? Oh, you do not want to listen to the other side. The other side is rubbish. "I never hear the other side. *# Who stole my heart away What do you miss the most? Well, um... Apart from Club Reform, the streets of London and occasionally the English countryside I think the only thing I really miss are the gossip Comrades, although they are in any other respect, do not gossip in the way we do it, or on the same issues. Well, pardon me for saying it, dear but the comrades seem to me to be... ... a sad disappointment in every department. No gossip their clothes are terrible can not make false teeth, what else is there? The system. I thought, that being English, we would be interested in that. What do people say about me in England? They do not say much anymore. I thought you were a little like Oscar Wilde. No, no. Although, he was a performer and I was an performer. Both vain. But I never pretended. If I wore a mask, it was to be exactly what I seemed. And in relation to the other, well I do not want to hide it But my analysis of situations, The reports that I had to send to the Foreign Office were always Marxist. openly so, impeccably so. But nobody minded. It is already known Guy, the old and dear Guy. Quite safe. If you do not want to tune into something You have to adapt to everything else And in all important things I did conform. How can he be a spy? My tailor says. The average Englishman, you see, is not interested in ideas. Say what you like about political theory. No-one will listen. You could shove a whole slice of the Communist manifesto into the Queen's Speech. Nobody would turn a hair. Least of all, I suspect, HMQ. Am I boring you? It does not matter. I'll think of 101 things to ask you when you've gone. How is Cyril Connolly? You've asked me that. I do not know. So little, England. Little music, little art. Timid, tasteful, nice. And I still love her.I love her. You know, I can say I love London and I can say that I love England. I can't say I love my country. I don't know what that means. Do you watch cricket? No. Anyway, it has changed. Cricket? London. Why? I do not want it to change. Why does anybody want to change it? It is none of your business to change it. The fools! I should stop them, tie them together. Listen, dear. I'm only an actress. I am not a bright lady, by your standards. I have never been much interested in politics But if this is Communism I don't like it because it's dull! The poor things look so tired. Some people think Australia's dull. And that is not Communism. And look at Leeds! The only thing that happens is that we have sat here all afternoon. pretending to spy, what did you do, my darling, it was just a minor social misdemeanor. Not worse, and I'm sure than in the minds of some better to be stopped in a public lavatory, in the way that gentlemen in my profession are constantly. But it's just something that we should not mention out of politeness. So that we won't be embarrassed. That's very English. We will pretend it has not happened because we are both sensible people. Well, I am not English, I am not sensible, I am an Australian. I can't muster much morality. Outside Shakespeare, the word "treason" to me means nothing - only you pissed in our soup, and we drank it. Well, very well. It does not affect me, darling. I will order your suit and your hat And I will upload it to my account. To mine, not a word. but for one reason, I'm sorry for you Now, in your book, in your real book, where you'll probably add my name to the list of all the other fools you've conned But you are not conning me, darling. I know. The pipe is not fooling pussy. A shame. I was enjoying that. You spoiled the lady's big speech. I just want to be told why. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. And solitude, I suppose. - Oh, solitude! If you have a secret, you are alone. But you told people - you told several people. There is no point in having a secret if you make a secret of it In fact, another thing that can bring me is an old Eaton necktie This one is in the last. Ah, here is Tolya. Oh, yes. Now, this is Mrs. Browne. She is an actress from England. How do you do? - How do you do? - Very good. If you give him a cigarette, an English cigarette. he will be your friend for life. Hmm. Ah. Oh, dear. I'm sorry. No. No, no, please. Please. He is a real Queen Mary. I could not ask him for a suit too, right? He would look so nice. Anything. Anything. Hello, Guy, Guy. Uh... Tolya wants to play a song for you. Uh, do let him, he will be so pleased. Gilbert and Sullivan. # Take a pair of sparkling eyes, # Hidden, ever and anon, # In a merciful eclipse # Do not heed their mild surprise # Having passed the Rubicon. # Take a pair of rosy lips ; What do you think? Reward or punishment? # (Be particular in this) ; # Take a tender little hand, # Fringed with dainty fingerettes, # Press it in parenthesis ; Where are we going? Church. Do you like church? I adore it. In this one, the songs are very good. The opera singers are in the choir, warming up for the evening performance Is not that, uh, another friend? Oh, good God no. You know, when I first came here, I was shadowed by a rather large police. That was when I was a celebrity. Nowadays they just send me to those who are in training.. Irony, that. Good afternoon. (Russian) Good afternoon. They are not strong in ironies, comrades. Did you know Jack Buchanan? Yes, I suppose. We nearly got married. It's strange. Sybil Thorndik loved it. I gave you my old mama's number, didn't I? Yes. I... do like it here. Do not tell anyone I do not. And thanks again, in advance. Are you Mrs. Burguess? My name is Coral Browne, I just saw Guy in Moscow, and asked me to call him. - What does it look like? "Oh, he looks good." I wish I could see you. Old rogue. Will not you go again? I know you'd like to see him. I do not think I can now I got a stupid hip. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, maybe they will let him come back sometime. You should not be on the corner for the rest of his life. They are site years. People are silly. Let me see? Come back. Yeah, yeah, well, it's a little short on the left We can easily alter that. You have changed very little over the years, you know. Credit. Good. And, if I wanted to try on the pants, with which we had no problems, And now there's this, which has a nondescript amount of work to make... I will be with you in a moment! "That's fine, I think. Yes, ma'am, can I help you? Good morning. I would like to order some suits Certainly, ma'am, have a seat. You have made suits for this gentleman before but now he lives abroad. I see. I took his measurements. I do not know if they're quite right. Let me see. Oh, yes. Yes, this is more than adequate. Uh, could we know the gentleman's name? Burgess. I seem to remember that we had, uh... We had two Mr. Burgesses. This I take it as Mr.Burguess, G. How is Mr Burgess? Fatter, I see. He was one of our more colorful customers. Too little color in our drab lives these days Mr Guy favoured this pattern. It's a... It's a durable fabric. Their costumes always suffered enough punishment. I hope, that you have been useful Oh, yes, they have been. I am glad to hear it. Always getting scratches.Mr Guy. And your name is? Browne. No discretion is needed here, ma'am No, truly. My apologies. And this is the address? We put little of ourselves into our suits, that is our loyalty. And mum's the word. Mum is always the word here, madam. Moscow or Maidenhead, mum is always the word. Baldwin, Brooks... Burgess... Burgess, Burgess, Burgess, Burgess. No. - I'll call back later. - Burgess, Burgess, Burgess. 5807. Well, if I wanted to follow the bowels of the Earth. We'll see what we can find. 5807... This is Mr. Burguess who got into hot water. George! Yes. 5807... 5807... It's a graveyard. On the contrary, ma'am, they are all very much alive and indeed kicking 5807... From time to time we make a small bonfire. George, 5807. Ah, excuse me, sir. Well, it is a very long way from him. I thought I would never ask for others. George is quite inconsiderate. Here it is. GB. Great Britain. I wish I had told her in due time, I would have liked to have seen the old thing again. Well, he wanted me to take him to lunch. - Oh! "Give me a check." Oh! I'm not sure I should charge it. Oh, for Guy. Did you have a problem to send the goods? Oh, no, no, no. No one moved a tab, why should they? Everything has been sent. Only now she has written asking for some pajamas - Hmm? "Look." - Goodbye, Mario. - Goodbye, madam. What I really need, really, the only thing is pajamas. Rations that can not sleep late, in fact, are not made for that purpose. What I would like are four pairs... Oh! fairly flat, and of these two colors. And finally my set will be complete. and I should look like a real agent, again. What? and I should look like a real gent again Oh. Well, I think the pyjamas are going to be the end. Otherwise the little Dolly will be betraying, betraying, betraying until the cows come home. Or until the revolution comes. I'm afraid this gentleman does not have already an account with us, ma'am His account was closed. "I know, but he wants to open it again." I'm afraid that's impossible. Why? - Well... We send pajamas to the royal family. So? The gentleman is a traitor, Madame. So? Must traitors sleep on a cloth? Sorry. We have to trace the line somewhere. Well, why there? Suppose someone commits adultery in your precious pajamas And I imagine it has occurred? What happens when he orders his next pair of jim-jams? Is it sorry, no can do? - I'm very sorry. - She says the whole time she's sorry! Oh, Jesus Christ! You were quite happy to satisfy this man when he was one of the most notorious buggers in London! And a drunk on offer. Oh, yes. But then it was someone in the Foreign Office. A little red pipe on the sleeve, Mr Burguess?.Of course. A discreet initials in the pocket, Mr Burguess?.Oh, yes, certainly. And if there's anything else you need, Mr Burgess, We would be very happy to lower your pants striped and make them! But not anymore. Look, ma'am, I do not know why is doing this for him. But as far as we are concerned, Mr Burgess is a client with whom we have finished. Ours is a respectable firm.. Highly respectable! It’s pricks like you that make me understand why he went! Thank God I'm not English! In fact, lady, our signature is not English either, in origin Oh? What nationality is it? Hungarian. I see. Well, you can not resist buying an old Eaton tie. Cash, of course. It is for the mother of the Archbishop of Canterbury # That he is an Englishman! *# That he is an Englishman! *# For he might have been a Roosian, *#A French, or Turk, or Proosian, *# Or perhaps Itali-an! *# But in spite of all temptations *# to belong to other nations, *# He remains an Englishman! *# He remains an Englishman! *# For in spite of all temptations *# to belong to other nations, *# He remains an Englishman! *# For he himself has said it, *# And it's greatly to his credit, *# That he is an Englishman! *# That he is an Englishman!