0:00:10.072,0:00:12.013
(Referee whistle sound)

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Good evening!

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Good evening. How are you?

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Are you good? Great!

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to this match.

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This match will take exactly 18 minutes.

0:00:25.463,0:00:28.295
OK? And you're all part of the same team:

0:00:28.811,0:00:30.080
Mechelen.

0:00:30.127,0:00:31.169
OK?

0:00:31.169,0:00:34.717
Hey guys, I would like to see[br]fair play on the field,

0:00:34.717,0:00:37.206
respect and positivity.

0:00:37.605,0:00:39.677
Is that OK for everyone?

0:00:40.076,0:00:41.486
Cool.

0:00:41.646,0:00:43.047
Good luck!

0:00:43.498,0:00:48.538
One year ago, I decided[br]I wanted to become a football referee.

0:00:48.892,0:00:51.547
Not because of the money, though.

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I only get paid 20 euros per match.

0:00:53.920,0:00:56.886
So I won't really get rich by it, will I?

0:00:56.886,0:01:01.799
No. I decided to become a referee [br]for two other reasons.

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One - to stay in good shape.

0:01:05.345,0:01:11.755
Two - because I wanted to learn[br]how not to take things personally.

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[How not to take things personally?]

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I can see some people nodding.

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You are probably thinking,

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"Being a referee[br]is the perfect environment

0:01:20.269,0:01:23.720
to learn how not to take [br]things personally, isn't it?"

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Because the spectators hardly ever [br]shout encouraging or positive things.

0:01:29.194,0:01:30.878
No. What do they shout?

0:01:30.878,0:01:31.876
Come on, come on.

0:01:31.876,0:01:33.610
[Audience:] "Loser! Are you blind?"

0:01:33.610,0:01:35.960
Yeah, yeah, good!

0:01:36.415,0:01:39.126
As a referee, I am the scapegoat.

0:01:39.649,0:01:41.881
Apparently, I'm always wrong.

0:01:41.881,0:01:44.411
It's always my fault.

0:01:44.411,0:01:49.290
And I wanted to learn [br]how not to take all this personally.

0:01:51.227,0:01:53.859
Because I really struggle with this.

0:01:54.209,0:01:56.932
For example, when I drive slowly

0:01:56.932,0:02:00.405
because I'm trying to find[br]a specific location

0:02:00.405,0:02:03.705
and somebody is just[br]driving behind me,

0:02:03.705,0:02:05.275
I feel hunted.

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Especially when they start honking [br]and flashing their headlights,

0:02:10.226,0:02:11.520
I take it personally.

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I know I shouldn't, but it just happens.

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Do you see what I mean?

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Or when somebody cancels [br]an appointment last minute,

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I get the feeling[br]that I'm not important enough.

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Again, I take it personally.

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Even professionally.

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I'm a public speaker, like tonight.

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This is what I do.

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I give keynote speeches,[br]and I really like it

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as long as I can draw [br]my audience into my story.

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Because the very moment [br]I see somebody is not paying attention -

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for example, when somebody[br]is looking at his smartphone -

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(snap) it just happens:

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I take it personally.

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Relax!

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You are safe tonight. Don't worry.

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Feel free to take your smartphones,

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and you can even start talking [br]to your neighbor.

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I will not take it personally.

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Why not?

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Because now, here and now,[br]I'm very conscious that this can happen.

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And more importantly, [br]I have a strategy to deal with it.

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So tonight, I would like to share[br]this strategy with you.

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Are you interested?

0:03:21.910,0:03:23.414
Cool.

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Because, I guess, I'm not [br]the only person in this room

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who sometimes takes[br]things personally, right?

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Imagine -

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imagine you invite a friend[br]to go to the movies, and she replies,

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"Oh, sorry, I have to work."

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But you see a picture on social media

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of her having dinner[br]with some friends that very night!

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Or imagine you really have worked[br]very hard on a project.

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You're really proud of the end result,

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but the only thing you get is criticism.

0:03:57.299,0:03:58.621
So you come home,

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and you would like to wind down[br]and share this terrible experience.

0:04:03.227,0:04:05.305
But while you're telling your story,

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the other one walks away [br]to switch on the TV.

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Now, who would take[br]one of these situations personally?

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Show me hands, come on.

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Lots of you.

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Why?

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Why do we take things personally?

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Somebody says[br]or does something and bam!

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We feel hurt, neglected, offended, [br]betrayed by the other one.

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That's what we believe, though.

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It's the other person's fault.

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He's responsible for what we feel.

0:04:36.636,0:04:38.392
He's the one to blame.

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Now, hang on, hang on.

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Who says that?

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Which part of us is speaking?

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[Why?]

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[Ego]

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It's our ego.

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Our ego thinks that others[br]should take us into consideration.

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Our ego doesn't want [br]to be criticized, hell no!

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Our ego wants to be acknowledged:

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"I'm right!"

0:05:02.189,0:05:04.163
Is this what you want?

0:05:04.733,0:05:06.808
Do you want to be right?

0:05:06.808,0:05:08.150
[Do you want to be right?]

0:05:08.150,0:05:09.159
(Sigh)

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That's exhausting.

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When my ego takes over, [br]I'm fighting all day.

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I'm in a constant struggle [br]with the rest of the world.

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And it drains my energy.

0:05:19.840,0:05:24.695
Wouldn't it be so much easier [br]to not take things personally?

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Because then no one has power over you.

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You're free.

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You experience much more [br]harmony and connection

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between you and other people.

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Of course!

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Because your energy [br]can go towards nice things

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instead of endlessly battling [br]against the things that drive you crazy.

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So the question is

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do you want to be right[br]or do you want to be happy?

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I know what some of you are thinking:

0:05:55.281,0:05:59.474
"I will make sure[br]I will be happy by being right."

0:06:00.867,0:06:02.829
Well, how do you do it?

0:06:02.829,0:06:07.999
How to become happy[br]by not taking things personally?

0:06:08.347,0:06:13.063
You are standing at the kickoff[br]of the match of your life,

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the match by which you will learn[br]how to stop taking things personally.

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So as a referee,[br]I brought my coin for the toss.

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And every coin has two sides:[br]heads or tails.

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And they stand for two strategies,

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two strategies to no longer[br]taking things personally.

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Sir, sir, good evening.

0:06:37.532,0:06:40.561
You're the captain of this huge team.

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You can choose: heads or tails?

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("Captain") Heads.

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Okay.

0:06:46.540,0:06:48.974
You're lucky. It's heads!

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Are you ready for the first strategy?

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OK, here it comes.

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First strategy -

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It's not about me.

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What do you mean it's not about me?

0:07:00.872,0:07:03.233
This sounds weird, doesn't it?

0:07:03.233,0:07:08.622
Because when I take things personally,[br]I'm convinced it is about me.

0:07:08.622,0:07:11.946
When I see someone is looking[br]at his phone, I feel offended.

0:07:12.006,0:07:16.226
I think, "Hey, I've put so much effort[br]and time in this presentation.

0:07:16.606,0:07:18.185
I want respect."

0:07:18.185,0:07:21.675
I think, "Me, myself and I."

0:07:22.371,0:07:24.651
Sounds familiar, no? Yeah.

0:07:24.651,0:07:28.911
But in fact, it isn't about me.

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What if I try to look at it[br]from the other person's perspective,

0:07:33.520,0:07:35.271
asking myself,

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"Why? Why is he or she[br]looking at his or her smartphone?"

0:07:39.765,0:07:44.489
Maybe he has just received an important[br]message, one he has been waiting for.

0:07:44.794,0:07:49.512
Or the topic of my presentation[br]is not really his cup of tea.

0:07:49.512,0:07:50.711
Could be!

0:07:50.711,0:07:53.567
Or, on the contrary,[br]he finds it very interesting

0:07:53.567,0:07:56.294
and he wants to take notes[br]on his smartphone.

0:07:56.294,0:07:58.645
Very smart to do that, by the way.

0:07:59.809,0:08:05.243
I simply need to shift my focus[br]from "me" to "we,"

0:08:05.461,0:08:07.971
and I won't take it personally.

0:08:08.679,0:08:11.459
If I try to see the intention[br]of the other one,

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I make space for understanding[br]instead of irritation.

0:08:17.075,0:08:19.178
Does this ring a bell with you?

0:08:19.960,0:08:22.660
When you put your son to bed[br]but he doesn't want to,

0:08:22.660,0:08:26.546
he throws himself on the floor,[br]kicking and screaming "I hate you!"

0:08:27.523,0:08:29.726
Do you take that personally?

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No!

0:08:31.269,0:08:34.839
No, you don't because you know [br]this is not about me.

0:08:34.839,0:08:37.377
It's about what he wants, what he needs.

0:08:37.377,0:08:42.022
He's angry because he just wants[br]to stay up a bit longer, that's all.

0:08:42.022,0:08:45.379
So the first strategy [br]to not take it personally is

0:08:45.379,0:08:46.625
it's not about me.

0:08:46.625,0:08:50.645
Look at the other person's intention.

0:08:51.139,0:08:54.390
When a driver is tailgating[br]and flashing his lights,

0:08:54.390,0:08:57.005
he probably does it[br]because he's in a hurry.

0:08:57.005,0:08:59.515
It's not about me, you see?

0:09:00.096,0:09:02.813
It's as simple as that.

0:09:05.243,0:09:06.773
In theory.

0:09:06.913,0:09:10.693
Because in real life,[br]it turns out to be a hell of a job.

0:09:12.078,0:09:14.473
Do you have any idea, [br]ladies and gentlemen,

0:09:14.473,0:09:17.873
how many thoughts [br]our brain produces a day?

0:09:20.352,0:09:21.981
50,000!

0:09:22.400,0:09:25.430
And guess how many of them are positive?

0:09:25.758,0:09:28.308
Only 10,000.

0:09:28.308,0:09:34.758
So this means that 80% of what we think[br]are negative thoughts.

0:09:34.758,0:09:36.608
That's a lot, isn't it?

0:09:38.216,0:09:41.043
When you see two colleagues[br]talking to each other,

0:09:41.043,0:09:45.234
and just then, they look at you[br]and they start laughing,

0:09:45.234,0:09:46.494
do you think,

0:09:46.494,0:09:51.425
"Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes[br]and they want them too"?

0:09:51.425,0:09:52.586
No!

0:09:52.586,0:09:53.836
Or do you think,

0:09:53.836,0:09:56.356
"Darn, they're laughing at me.

0:09:56.356,0:09:58.581
They are gossiping about me."

0:09:59.114,0:10:02.130
So it takes a lot of effort [br]to correct yourself and say,

0:10:02.130,0:10:04.260
"Hang on. I have no clue!

0:10:04.260,0:10:08.419
They might be laughing about something[br]that has nothing to do with me."

0:10:09.350,0:10:12.957
So seeing the positive intention[br]of the other one

0:10:12.957,0:10:17.577
requires a lot of discipline and training.

0:10:18.542,0:10:22.232
And that's why I became a referee:

0:10:22.432,0:10:26.712
to train my brain[br]not to take things personally.

0:10:27.199,0:10:30.239
I train my brain[br]an hour and a half a week,

0:10:30.239,0:10:31.618
the entire period of a match.

0:10:31.618,0:10:33.858
I say this for the football dummies.

0:10:34.138,0:10:36.247
Now, before the match, I'm warming up.

0:10:36.247,0:10:38.447
Not only physically, but also mentally.

0:10:38.447,0:10:42.198
I give myself some pep talk[br]in the dressing room:

0:10:42.198,0:10:43.320
"Frederik, watch out.

0:10:43.320,0:10:45.812
Lots of things will trigger you[br]during the game.

0:10:45.812,0:10:49.342
You're going to make decisions[br]who some will not agree with

0:10:49.342,0:10:51.880
and they will shout[br]unpleasant things at you."

0:10:51.900,0:10:53.129
So I tell myself,

0:10:53.129,0:10:56.003
"Frederik, don't take it personally.

0:10:56.003,0:10:57.768
It's not about me.

0:10:58.927,0:11:00.908
They just want to be right.

0:11:00.908,0:11:04.978
They simply want their team to win."

0:11:04.978,0:11:06.368
You see?

0:11:06.368,0:11:09.530
When I focus on the intention[br]of the other person,

0:11:09.530,0:11:12.126
there's no need to take it personally.

0:11:12.885,0:11:16.310
When I apply this strategy[br]very consciously,

0:11:16.310,0:11:20.135
I admit it, I feel much more [br]at ease on the field.

0:11:20.203,0:11:23.204
When the coach,[br]the players or the spectators

0:11:23.204,0:11:25.624
do not agree with my decisions,

0:11:25.624,0:11:28.994
I'm less easily thrown off balance.

0:11:29.820,0:11:33.905
This strategy, [br]ladies and gentlemen, works!

0:11:36.200,0:11:38.600
But not always, unfortunately.

0:11:38.600,0:11:43.174
Because some words they shout at me,[br]like here, do really hit a raw nerve:

0:11:43.352,0:11:45.790
"You're a loser. Choose another hobby!

0:11:45.790,0:11:47.538
You know what? Go fishing!"

0:11:48.400,0:11:49.669
Ouch!

0:11:51.573,0:11:54.557
Maybe they are right.

0:11:55.930,0:11:58.200
Perhaps I took the wrong decision.

0:11:58.201,0:11:59.687
Maybe I am a loser.

0:11:59.687,0:12:03.415
Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes.

0:12:04.783,0:12:06.360
Do you see this?

0:12:06.558,0:12:10.180
Every coin has a flip side.

0:12:10.357,0:12:15.147
When this first strategy -[br]it's not about me - doesn't work,

0:12:16.150,0:12:19.172
it simply means "It is about me!"

0:12:19.172,0:12:20.557
[It is about me.]

0:12:22.062,0:12:24.762
I have to look in the mirror[br]and question myself.

0:12:24.823,0:12:27.950
As a beginning referee,[br]I still feel insecure.

0:12:27.950,0:12:29.087
Especially me.

0:12:29.087,0:12:31.667
I never played soccer.

0:12:31.667,0:12:32.670
It is about me

0:12:32.670,0:12:36.457
because it has something to do[br]with my insecurity,

0:12:36.909,0:12:38.389
I doubt about myself.

0:12:39.180,0:12:42.438
Or a part of myself[br]that I haven't come to terms with.

0:12:44.384,0:12:46.760
Do you see my point, ladies and gentlemen?

0:12:47.175,0:12:48.611
Even if I know

0:12:48.611,0:12:52.187
that a driver is only tailgating[br]because he's in a hurry,

0:12:52.187,0:12:57.336
I still take it personally when he honks[br]or he's flashing his headlights.

0:12:57.336,0:12:58.959
So I must question myself.

0:12:58.959,0:13:02.873
Probably I was driving too slowly.

0:13:02.887,0:13:04.244
I'm aware of it.

0:13:04.244,0:13:08.592
I just don't like[br]that clumsy part of myself.

0:13:08.592,0:13:11.519
Why else would I [br]take it personally, right?

0:13:12.383,0:13:13.543
When I say,

0:13:13.543,0:13:16.633
"Ladies and gentlemen,[br]you are an orange,"

0:13:17.491,0:13:19.511
who would take this personally?

0:13:20.081,0:13:21.302
No one, right?

0:13:21.302,0:13:22.357
Why not?

0:13:22.357,0:13:26.877
Because nothing in you believes[br]that you are in fact an orange.

0:13:26.877,0:13:28.267
An orange?

0:13:28.580,0:13:32.660
Unless, of course, that you're a ginger[br]and you feel bad because of that.

0:13:32.660,0:13:34.679
Which is luckily not the case with me.

0:13:34.679,0:13:40.217
But - but when someone says,[br]"Frederik, you are so selfish."

0:13:40.905,0:13:41.898
Ouch!

0:13:41.898,0:13:43.478
I do take it personally.

0:13:43.478,0:13:47.478
And it only happens because I know[br]there is some truth in it.

0:13:48.320,0:13:49.760
If I'm honest,

0:13:50.493,0:13:54.553
I'm aware of the fact that I do not always[br]take into account other people's needs.

0:13:57.065,0:13:59.339
When you are being criticized

0:13:59.339,0:14:01.153
and it hurts,

0:14:01.153,0:14:06.417
chances are big that this[br]is rooted in your childhood.

0:14:06.950,0:14:10.072
Maybe as a child[br]you were never good enough.

0:14:10.326,0:14:12.251
When you came home with a 9 out of 10,

0:14:12.251,0:14:14.796
they said, "Hey, and why not a 10?"

0:14:15.625,0:14:16.791
You see?

0:14:16.791,0:14:22.936
We can only take things personally[br]if it somehow touches a raw nerve.

0:14:23.709,0:14:28.099
And that's the moment[br]to give yourself some empathy.

0:14:29.125,0:14:32.930
Ooh, this hurts. Darn!

0:14:33.608,0:14:36.505
I'm longing so hard for recognition,

0:14:37.760,0:14:39.950
and I feel sad if I don't get it.

0:14:40.381,0:14:41.571
You see?

0:14:41.930,0:14:44.268
And you can also - why not? - speak up.

0:14:44.414,0:14:47.664
Just tell the other one[br]what's going on inside you.

0:14:48.106,0:14:51.500
"Hey, I'm in the middle of my story here,

0:14:51.500,0:14:54.087
and you just walk away[br]to switch on the TV?

0:14:54.087,0:14:56.900
It feels as if you don't care[br]about my story.

0:14:56.900,0:14:58.530
It's not nice."

0:14:59.206,0:15:01.960
By opening up, by being vulnerable,

0:15:01.960,0:15:05.418
by telling what you feel[br]without blaming the other one,

0:15:05.418,0:15:08.943
you increase the chance[br]that the other one will understand you

0:15:08.943,0:15:11.381
and take your needs into account.

0:15:11.839,0:15:13.639
Do you see what I mean?

0:15:14.585,0:15:16.040
To conclude -

0:15:16.040,0:15:19.380
how not to take things personally.

0:15:19.760,0:15:22.600
One - it is not about me!

0:15:23.700,0:15:26.695
Look at the other person's intention.

0:15:26.695,0:15:28.227
If that doesn't work:

0:15:28.227,0:15:31.167
two - it is about me.

0:15:31.167,0:15:33.737
Give yourself empathy and speak up.

0:15:36.560,0:15:38.210
Ladies and gentlemen,

0:15:38.279,0:15:41.399
please, pretty please,[br]do not take it personally,

0:15:41.399,0:15:45.609
but I really do hope that you will take[br]a couple of things personally

0:15:45.609,0:15:47.084
within the next hours and days.

0:15:47.084,0:15:51.104
Only if you do, you can test out [br]these two strategies.

0:15:52.044,0:15:58.004
Imagine, just imagine[br]if we could all put this in practice.

0:15:58.140,0:16:02.425
Wouldn't that enhance[br]our relationships enormously?

0:16:03.000,0:16:06.086
Together we could create a better world.

0:16:06.779,0:16:08.467
Wouldn't that be great?

0:16:10.026,0:16:14.440
And as a referee,[br]I even earn some money by it.

0:16:15.127,0:16:18.807
Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn[br]how not to take things personally?

0:16:18.807,0:16:20.237
Show me hands.

0:16:20.339,0:16:21.369
Show me hands.

0:16:21.369,0:16:22.578
Oh, so many.

0:16:25.451,0:16:27.629
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

0:16:34.677,0:16:37.287
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

0:16:40.612,0:16:42.750
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

0:16:48.845,0:16:50.845
And who still wants them now?

0:16:52.099,0:16:55.175
Why do you still want these 20 euros?

0:16:55.424,0:16:58.134
(Audience member)[br]Because it's still 20 euros!

0:16:58.322,0:17:04.271
People may attack you, [br]criticize you or ignore you.

0:17:05.127,0:17:11.807
They can crumple you up with their words,[br]spit you out or even walk all over you.

0:17:12.452,0:17:14.279
But remember:

0:17:14.599,0:17:16.826
whatever they do or say,

0:17:18.772,0:17:21.489
you will always keep your value.

0:17:23.313,0:17:24.482
Thank you.

0:17:24.482,0:17:26.297
(Applause)