WEBVTT

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(Referee whistle sound)

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Good evening!

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Good evening. How are you?

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Are you good? Great!

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to this match.

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This match will take exactly 18 minutes.

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OK? And you're all part of the same team:

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Mechelen.

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OK?

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Hey guys, I would like to see
fair play on the field,

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respect and positivity.

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Is that OK for everyone?

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Cool.

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Good luck!

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One year ago, I decided
I wanted to become a football referee.

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Not because of the money, though.

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I only get paid 20 euros per match.

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So I won't really get rich by it, will I?

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No. I decided to become a referee 
for two other reasons.

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One - to stay in good shape.

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Two - because I wanted to learn
how not to take things personally.

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[How not to take things personally?]

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I can see some people nodding.

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You are probably thinking,

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"Being a referee
is the perfect environment

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to learn how not to take 
things personally, isn't it?"

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Because the spectators hardly ever 
shout encouraging or positive things.

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No. What do they shout?

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Come on, come on.

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[Audience:] "Loser! Are you blind?"

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Yeah, yeah, good!

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As a referee, I am the scapegoat.

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Apparently, I'm always wrong.

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It's always my fault.

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And I wanted to learn 
how not to take all this personally.

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Because I really struggle with this.

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For example, when I drive slowly

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because I'm trying to find
a specific location

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and somebody is just
driving behind me,

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I feel hunted.

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Especially when they start honking 
and flashing their headlights,

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I take it personally.

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I know I shouldn't, but it just happens.

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Do you see what I mean?

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Or when somebody cancels 
an appointment last minute,

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I get the feeling
that I'm not important enough.

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Again, I take it personally.

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Even professionally.

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I'm a public speaker, like tonight.

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This is what I do.

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I give keynote speeches,
and I really like it

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as long as I can draw 
my audience into my story.

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Because the very moment 
I see somebody is not paying attention -

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for example, when somebody
is looking at his smartphone -

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(snap) it just happens:

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I take it personally.

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Relax!

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You are safe tonight. Don't worry.

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Feel free to take your smartphones,

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and you can even start talking 
to your neighbor.

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I will not take it personally.

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Why not?

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Because now, here and now,
I'm very conscious that this can happen.

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And more importantly, 
I have a strategy to deal with it.

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So tonight, I would like to share
this strategy with you.

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Are you interested?

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Cool.

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Because, I guess, I'm not 
the only person in this room

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who sometimes takes
things personally, right?

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Imagine -

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imagine you invite a friend
to go to the movies, and she replies,

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"Oh, sorry, I have to work."

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But you see a picture on social media

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of her having dinner
with some friends that very night!

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Or imagine you really have worked
very hard on a project.

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You're really proud of the end result,

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but the only thing you get is criticism.

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So you come home,

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and you would like to wind down
and share this terrible experience.

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But while you're telling your story,

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the other one walks away 
to switch on the TV.

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Now, who would take
one of these situations personally?

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Show me hands, come on.

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Lots of you.

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Why?

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Why do we take things personally?

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Somebody says
or does something and bam!

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We feel hurt, neglected, offended, 
betrayed by the other one.

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That's what we believe, though.

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It's the other person's fault.

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He's responsible for what we feel.

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He's the one to blame.

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Now, hang on, hang on.

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Who says that?

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Which part of us is speaking?

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[Why?]

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[Ego]

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It's our ego.

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Our ego thinks that others
should take us into consideration.

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Our ego doesn't want 
to be criticized, hell no!

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Our ego wants to be acknowledged:

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"I'm right!"

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Is this what you want?

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Do you want to be right?

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[Do you want to be right?]

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(Sigh)

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That's exhausting.

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When my ego takes over, 
I'm fighting all day.

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I'm in a constant struggle 
with the rest of the world.

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And it drains my energy.

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Wouldn't it be so much easier 
to not take things personally?

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Because then no one has power over you.

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You're free.

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You experience much more 
harmony and connection

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between you and other people.

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Of course!

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Because your energy 
can go towards nice things

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instead of endlessly battling 
against the things that drive you crazy.

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So the question is

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do you want to be right
or do you want to be happy?

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I know what some of you are thinking:

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"I will make sure
I will be happy by being right."

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Well, how do you do it?

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How to become happy
by not taking things personally?

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You are standing at the kickoff
of the match of your life,

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the match by which you will learn
how to stop taking things personally.

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So as a referee,
I brought my coin for the toss.

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And every coin has two sides:
heads or tails.

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And they stand for two strategies,

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two strategies to no longer
taking things personally.

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Sir, sir, good evening.

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You're the captain of this huge team.

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You can choose: heads or tails?

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("Captain") Heads.

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Okay.

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You're lucky. It's heads!

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Are you ready for the first strategy?

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OK, here it comes.

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First strategy -

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It's not about me.

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What do you mean it's not about me?

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This sounds weird, doesn't it?

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Because when I take things personally,
I'm convinced it is about me.

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When I see someone is looking
at his phone, I feel offended.

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I think, "Hey, I've put so much effort
and time in this presentation.

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I want respect."

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I think, "Me, myself and I."

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Sounds familiar, no? Yeah.

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But in fact, it isn't about me.

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What if I try to look at it
from the other person's perspective,

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asking myself,

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"Why? Why is he or she
looking at his or her smartphone?"

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Maybe he has just received an important
message, one he has been waiting for.

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Or the topic of my presentation
is not really his cup of tea.

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Could be!

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Or, on the contrary,
he finds it very interesting

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and he wants to take notes
on his smartphone.

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Very smart to do that, by the way.

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I simply need to shift my focus
from "me" to "we,"

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and I won't take it personally.

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If I try to see the intention
of the other one,

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I make space for understanding
instead of irritation.

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Does this ring a bell with you?

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When you put your son to bed
but he doesn't want to,

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he throws himself on the floor,
kicking and screaming "I hate you!"

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Do you take that personally?

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No!

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No, you don't because you know 
this is not about me.

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It's about what he wants, what he needs.

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He's angry because he just wants
to stay up a bit longer, that's all.

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So the first strategy 
to not take it personally is

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it's not about me.

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Look at the other person's intention.

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When a driver is tailgating
and flashing his lights,

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he probably does it
because he's in a hurry.

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It's not about me, you see?

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It's as simple as that.

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In theory.

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Because in real life,
it turns out to be a hell of a job.

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Do you have any idea, 
ladies and gentlemen,

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how many thoughts 
our brain produces a day?

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50,000!

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And guess how many of them are positive?

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Only 10,000.

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So this means that 80% of what we think
are negative thoughts.

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That's a lot, isn't it?

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When you see two colleagues
talking to each other,

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and just then, they look at you
and they start laughing,

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do you think,

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"Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes
and they want them too"?

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No!

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Or do you think,

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"Darn, they're laughing at me.

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They are gossiping about me."

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So it takes a lot of effort 
to correct yourself and say,

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"Hang on. I have no clue!

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They might be laughing about something
that has nothing to do with me."

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So seeing the positive intention
of the other one

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requires a lot of discipline and training.

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And that's why I became a referee:

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to train my brain
not to take things personally.

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I train my brain
an hour and a half a week,

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the entire period of a match.

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I say this for the football dummies.

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Now, before the match, I'm warming up.

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Not only physically, but also mentally.

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I give myself some pep talk
in the dressing room:

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"Frederik, watch out.

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Lots of things will trigger you
during the game.

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You're going to make decisions
who some will not agree with

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and they will shout
unpleasant things at you."

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So I tell myself,

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"Frederik, don't take it personally.

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It's not about me.

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They just want to be right.

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They simply want their team to win."

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You see?

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When I focus on the intention
of the other person,

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there's no need to take it personally.

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When I apply this strategy
very consciously,

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I admit it, I feel much more 
at ease on the field.

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When the coach,
the players or the spectators

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do not agree with my decisions,

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I'm less easily thrown off balance.

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This strategy, 
ladies and gentlemen, works!

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But not always, unfortunately.

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Because some words they shout at me,
like here, do really hit a raw nerve:

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"You're a loser. Choose another hobby!

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You know what? Go fishing!"

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Ouch!

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Maybe they are right.

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Perhaps I took the wrong decision.

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Maybe I am a loser.

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Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes.

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Do you see this?

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Every coin has a flip side.

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When this first strategy -
it's not about me - doesn't work,

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it simply means "It is about me!"

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[It is about me.]

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I have to look in the mirror
and question myself.

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As a beginning referee,
I still feel insecure.

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Especially me.

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I never played soccer.

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It is about me

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because it has something to do
with my insecurity,

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I doubt about myself.

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Or a part of myself
that I haven't come to terms with.

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Do you see my point, ladies and gentlemen?

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Even if I know

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that a driver is only tailgating
because he's in a hurry,

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I still take it personally when he honks
or he's flashing his headlights.

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So I must question myself.

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Probably I was driving too slowly.

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I'm aware of it.

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I just don't like
that clumsy part of myself.

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Why else would I 
take it personally, right?

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When I say,

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"Ladies and gentlemen,
you are an orange,"

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who would take this personally?

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No one, right?

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Why not?

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Because nothing in you believes
that you are in fact an orange.

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An orange?

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Unless, of course, that you're a ginger
and you feel bad because of that.

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Which is luckily not the case with me.

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But - but when someone says,
"Frederik, you are so selfish."

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Ouch!

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I do take it personally.

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And it only happens because I know
there is some truth in it.

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If I'm honest,

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I'm aware of the fact that I do not always
take into account other people's needs.

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When you are being criticized

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and it hurts,

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chances are big that this
is rooted in your childhood.

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Maybe as a child
you were never good enough.

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When you came home with a 9 out of 10,

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they said, "Hey, and why not a 10?"

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You see?

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We can only take things personally
if it somehow touches a raw nerve.

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And that's the moment
to give yourself some empathy.

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Ooh, this hurts. Darn!

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I'm longing so hard for recognition,

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and I feel sad if I don't get it.

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You see?

00:14:41.930 --> 00:14:44.268
And you can also - why not? - speak up.

00:14:44.414 --> 00:14:47.664
Just tell the other one
what's going on inside you.

00:14:48.106 --> 00:14:51.500
"Hey, I'm in the middle of my story here,

00:14:51.500 --> 00:14:54.087
and you just walk away
to switch on the TV?

00:14:54.087 --> 00:14:56.900
It feels as if you don't care
about my story.

00:14:56.900 --> 00:14:58.530
It's not nice."

00:14:59.206 --> 00:15:01.960
By opening up, by being vulnerable,

00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:05.418
by telling what you feel
without blaming the other one,

00:15:05.418 --> 00:15:08.943
you increase the chance
that the other one will understand you

00:15:08.943 --> 00:15:11.381
and take your needs into account.

00:15:11.839 --> 00:15:13.639
Do you see what I mean?

00:15:14.585 --> 00:15:16.040
To conclude -

00:15:16.040 --> 00:15:19.380
how not to take things personally.

00:15:19.760 --> 00:15:22.600
One - it is not about me!

00:15:23.700 --> 00:15:26.695
Look at the other person's intention.

00:15:26.695 --> 00:15:28.227
If that doesn't work:

00:15:28.227 --> 00:15:31.167
two - it is about me.

00:15:31.167 --> 00:15:33.737
Give yourself empathy and speak up.

00:15:36.560 --> 00:15:38.210
Ladies and gentlemen,

00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:41.399
please, pretty please,
do not take it personally,

00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:45.609
but I really do hope that you will take
a couple of things personally

00:15:45.609 --> 00:15:47.084
within the next hours and days.

00:15:47.084 --> 00:15:51.104
Only if you do, you can test out 
these two strategies.

00:15:52.044 --> 00:15:58.004
Imagine, just imagine
if we could all put this in practice.

00:15:58.140 --> 00:16:02.425
Wouldn't that enhance
our relationships enormously?

00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.086
Together we could create a better world.

00:16:06.779 --> 00:16:08.467
Wouldn't that be great?

00:16:10.026 --> 00:16:14.440
And as a referee,
I even earn some money by it.

00:16:15.127 --> 00:16:18.807
Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn
how not to take things personally?

00:16:18.807 --> 00:16:20.237
Show me hands.

00:16:20.339 --> 00:16:21.369
Show me hands.

00:16:21.369 --> 00:16:22.578
Oh, so many.

00:16:25.451 --> 00:16:27.629
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

00:16:34.677 --> 00:16:37.287
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

00:16:40.612 --> 00:16:42.750
Who still wants the 20 euros now?

00:16:48.845 --> 00:16:50.845
And who still wants them now?

00:16:52.099 --> 00:16:55.175
Why do you still want these 20 euros?

00:16:55.424 --> 00:16:58.134
(Audience member)
Because it's still 20 euros!

00:16:58.322 --> 00:17:04.271
People may attack you, 
criticize you or ignore you.

00:17:05.127 --> 00:17:11.807
They can crumple you up with their words,
spit you out or even walk all over you.

00:17:12.452 --> 00:17:14.279
But remember:

00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:16.826
whatever they do or say,

00:17:18.772 --> 00:17:21.489
you will always keep your value.

00:17:23.313 --> 00:17:24.482
Thank you.

00:17:24.482 --> 00:17:26.297
(Applause)