0:00:13.163,0:00:15.174 Good evening, Good evening[br]How are you? 0:00:16.643,0:00:17.443 Are you good? 0:00:18.370,0:00:20.941 Great, welcome welcome [br]welcome to this match 0:00:21.236,0:00:25.176 this match will take exactly 18 minutes. 0:00:25.766,0:00:28.014 And you all part of the same team 0:00:31.147,0:00:36.976 Hey guys, I would like to see fair play[br]on the field, respect, and positivity. 0:00:37.840,0:00:39.523 Is that ok for everyone? 0:00:40.063,0:00:41.957 Cool. Good luck. 0:00:43.700,0:00:48.258 One year ago, I decided I wanted to become [br]a football referee, 0:00:48.883,0:00:49.272 um, it's not because of the money though [br]I only get paid 20 euros per match. 0:00:49.272,9:59:59.000 So, I won't really get rich by it rely. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, I decided to become a referee [br]for 2 other reasons. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 One, do things go cheap?[br]Two, because I wanted to learn 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How not to take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I can see some people nodding, [br]you're probably thinking being a referee 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is a perfect environment to learn [br]how not to take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Isn't it? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because, expectators hardly ever shouted encouraging or positive things. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No. [br]What do they shout? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Come on, come on. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Loser, Are you blind?][br]Yeah, good good. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 As a referee, I am discabed goat. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Apparently, I'm always wrong.[br]It's always my fault. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I wanted to learn [br]how not to take all of this personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because I really struggle with this. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 For example, when I drive slowly[br]because I'm trying to find this specific location. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And somebody is just driving behind me,[br]I feel hunted, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 especially when they start honking, [br]and flashing their headlines. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Sigh] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I take personally.[br]I know, I shouldn't. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But it just happens, do you see what I mean? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or when somebody cancels [br]an appointment last minute 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I get the feeling that [br]I'm not important enough. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Again, I take it personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even professionally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm a public speaker like tonight,[br]this is what I do, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I give keynotes speeches [br]and I really like it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 as long as I can draw my audience into my story 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because the very, the very moment I see somebody is not paying attention [br]for example somebody is looking at his smartphone 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it just happens, I take it personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Relax, you're all safe tonight. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Don't worry, feel free to take your smartphones and you can even start talking to your neighbor. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I will not take it personally.[br]Why not? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because now, here and now, I'm very conscious that this can happen [br]and more importantly I have a strategies to deal with it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So tonight I would like to share this strategy with you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Are you interested?[br]Cool. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because I guess I am not the only person in this room who sometimes take things personally, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies, [br]and she replied: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 - Oh sorry, I have to work. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But you see a picture on social media of her having dinner with some friends, that's very nice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or imagine you really have worked very hard on project.[br]You really proud of the end results. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But the only thing you get is criticism.[br]So you come home and would like to wind down and share 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 this terrible experience.[br]But while you're telling your story 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the other one walks away, to switch on the TV. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, who would take one of these situations personally.[br]Show me hands, come on. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Lots of you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why? [br]Why do we take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Somebody said or does something, and[br]BAM! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We feel hurt, neglected, of offended, betrayed by the other one,[br]that's what we believe though. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's the other person's fault.[br]He's responsible for what we feel. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He's the one to blame.[br]Now, hang on, hang on. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Who said that?[br]Which part of us is speaking? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's our ego.[br]Our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Our ego doesn't want to be criticize. [br]Hell, no. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Our ego wants to be acknowledged and right. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Sigh) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Is this what you want? [br]Do you want to be right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Sigh)[br]That's exhausting. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day.[br]I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it drains my energy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Would it be so much easier to not take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because then, no one has power over you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You're free, you experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Of course, because your energy can go to a nice things. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Instead of enlessly battling against things that drive you crazy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So, the question is?[br]Do you want to be right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or do you want to be happy? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I know what some of you are thinking, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I wil make sure I will be happy by[br]being right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Well, how do you do it? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How to become happy by not taking things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 has or too 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sir, sir, good evening.[br]You're the captain of this huge team. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You can choose, has to tails? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Has[br]You're lucky, it's has. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Are you ready for the first strategy?[br]Ok, here it come. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 First strategy.[br]It's not about me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What do you mean it's not about me?[br]This sounds weird. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Doesn't it?[br]Because when I take things personally, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm convinced it is about me.[br]When I see someone is looking at his phone, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I feel offended.[br]I think: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want to be respected.[br]I think me, myself and I. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sound familiar, no?[br]Yeah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But in fact, it isn't about me.[br]What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Asking myself, Why?[br]Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Very smart to do that by the way. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I won't take it personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If I try to see the attention of the other one 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I make space from the standing instead of irritation. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Does this ring a bell with you? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he throws himself on the floor,[br]kicking and streaming 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I hate you".[br]Do you take it personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No, you don't.[br]Because you know this is not about me, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Look at the other person's intention. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's not about me[br]You see? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's as simple as that in theory. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 50,000. [br]And guess how many of them are positive? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Only 10,000. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's a lot, isn't it? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, what do you think: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hang on! I have no clue." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that's why I became a referee. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 To train my brain not to take things personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And before the match I'm warming up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 not only physically but also mentally 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who someone not agree with. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they will shout and blessing things at you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You see? [br]When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I feel much more ideas on the field 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when the coach the players or the spectators 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 do not agree with my decision 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm less easily to throw off balance 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 this strategy lady and gentleman works. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Not always unfortunately. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because some words they shout at me like here: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Dude, really hit the road nerve?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "You're a loser, choose another hobby!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "You know what? Go fishing." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ouch 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Maybe they're all right." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Perhaps I took the wrong position." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Maybe I am a loser." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You see this? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Every coin has a flip side. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It simply means "It is about me." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have to look in the mirror and question myself 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You see my point lady and gentleman? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm aware of it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just don't like that clumsy part of myself. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why else would I take it personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Who would take this personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No one, right? [br]Why not? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 An orange?[br]Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Which a luckily not the case with me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ouch 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I do take it personally. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 come honest 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when you are being critisized, and it hurts. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hey, and why another 10? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you see 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we can only take things personally 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 if it somehow touches a roll nerve 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Oh, this hurts darn. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I logging so hard for recognition. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I feel sad if I don't get it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You see 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and you can also, why not, speak up? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 just tell the other one what's going on inside you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it feels like you don't care about my story 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's not nice 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you increase the chance that the other one with understand you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and take your needs into account. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You see what I mean 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 To conclude 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 how not to take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 one, it is not about me.[br]Look at the other person's intention. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If that doesn't work. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Two, It is about me.[br]Give yourself empathy, and speak up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Lady and gentleman. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 imagine 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 just imagine 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we could all put this in practice 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 together we could create a better world 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 wouldn't that be great 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and as a referee I even earn some money by it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 show me hands 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 show me hand. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 oh, so many. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who still want a 20 euros now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who still want a 20 euros now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who still want a 20 euros now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and who still want these now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 why you still want these 20 euros now? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 - Because it still comes to you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but remember whatever they do or say 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you'll always keep your value. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you.