WEBVTT 00:00:13.163 --> 00:00:15.174 Good evening, Good evening How are you? 00:00:16.643 --> 00:00:17.443 Are you good? 00:00:18.370 --> 00:00:20.941 Great, welcome welcome welcome to this match 00:00:21.236 --> 00:00:25.176 this match will take exactly 18 minutes. 00:00:25.766 --> 00:00:28.014 And you all part of the same team 00:00:31.147 --> 00:00:36.976 Hey guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect, and positivity. 00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:39.523 Is that ok for everyone? 00:00:40.063 --> 00:00:41.957 Cool. Good luck. 00:00:43.700 --> 00:00:48.258 One year ago, I decided I wanted to become a football referee, 00:00:48.883 --> 00:00:49.272 um, it's not because of the money though I only get paid 20 euros per match. 00:00:49.272 --> 99:59:59.999 So, I won't really get rich by it rely. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, I decided to become a referee for 2 other reasons. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One, do things go cheap? Two, because I wanted to learn 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I can see some people nodding, you're probably thinking being a referee 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is a perfect environment to learn how not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Isn't it? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because, expectators hardly ever shouted encouraging or positive things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. What do they shout? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Come on, come on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Loser, Are you blind?] Yeah, good good. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As a referee, I am discabed goat. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Apparently, I'm always wrong. It's always my fault. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I wanted to learn how not to take all of this personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because I really struggle with this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For example, when I drive slowly because I'm trying to find this specific location. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And somebody is just driving behind me, I feel hunted, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 especially when they start honking, and flashing their headlines. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sigh] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I take personally. I know, I shouldn't. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it just happens, do you see what I mean? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or when somebody cancels an appointment last minute 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I get the feeling that I'm not important enough. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Again, I take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even professionally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm a public speaker like tonight, this is what I do, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I give keynotes speeches and I really like it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as long as I can draw my audience into my story 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because the very, the very moment I see somebody is not paying attention for example somebody is looking at his smartphone 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it just happens, I take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Relax, you're all safe tonight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't worry, feel free to take your smartphones and you can even start talking to your neighbor. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will not take it personally. Why not? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because now, here and now, I'm very conscious that this can happen and more importantly I have a strategies to deal with it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So tonight I would like to share this strategy with you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Are you interested? Cool. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because I guess I am not the only person in this room who sometimes take things personally, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies, and she replied: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Oh sorry, I have to work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But you see a picture on social media of her having dinner with some friends, that's very nice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or imagine you really have worked very hard on project. You really proud of the end results. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But the only thing you get is criticism. So you come home and would like to wind down and share 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this terrible experience. But while you're telling your story 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the other one walks away, to switch on the TV. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, who would take one of these situations personally. Show me hands, come on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Lots of you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why? Why do we take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Somebody said or does something, and BAM! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We feel hurt, neglected, of offended, betrayed by the other one, that's what we believe though. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's the other person's fault. He's responsible for what we feel. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He's the one to blame. Now, hang on, hang on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who said that? Which part of us is speaking? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's our ego. Our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Our ego doesn't want to be criticize. Hell, no. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Our ego wants to be acknowledged and right. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (Sigh) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Is this what you want? Do you want to be right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (Sigh) That's exhausting. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day. I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it drains my energy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Would it be so much easier to not take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because then, no one has power over you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're free, you experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Of course, because your energy can go to a nice things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Instead of enlessly battling against things that drive you crazy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, the question is? Do you want to be right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or do you want to be happy? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know what some of you are thinking, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I wil make sure I will be happy by being right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Well, how do you do it? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How to become happy by not taking things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 has or too 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sir, sir, good evening. You're the captain of this huge team. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can choose, has to tails? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Has You're lucky, it's has. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Are you ready for the first strategy? Ok, here it come. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 First strategy. It's not about me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What do you mean it's not about me? This sounds weird. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Doesn't it? Because when I take things personally, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm convinced it is about me. When I see someone is looking at his phone, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel offended. I think: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I want to be respected. I think me, myself and I. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sound familiar, no? Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But in fact, it isn't about me. What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Asking myself, Why? Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Very smart to do that by the way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I won't take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If I try to see the attention of the other one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I make space from the standing instead of irritation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Does this ring a bell with you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he throws himself on the floor, kicking and streaming 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I hate you". Do you take it personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, you don't. Because you know this is not about me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Look at the other person's intention. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's not about me You see? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's as simple as that in theory. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50,000. And guess how many of them are positive? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Only 10,000. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's a lot, isn't it? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, what do you think: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hang on! I have no clue." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And that's why I became a referee. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To train my brain not to take things personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And before the match I'm warming up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 not only physically but also mentally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who someone not agree with. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they will shout and blessing things at you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see? When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel much more ideas on the field 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when the coach the players or the spectators 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 do not agree with my decision 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm less easily to throw off balance 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this strategy lady and gentleman works. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not always unfortunately. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because some words they shout at me like here: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dude, really hit the road nerve?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You're a loser, choose another hobby!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You know what? Go fishing." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ouch 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Maybe they're all right." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Perhaps I took the wrong position." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Maybe I am a loser." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see this? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Every coin has a flip side. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It simply means "It is about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have to look in the mirror and question myself 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see my point lady and gentleman? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm aware of it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just don't like that clumsy part of myself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why else would I take it personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who would take this personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No one, right? Why not? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 An orange? Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which a luckily not the case with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ouch 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I do take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 come honest 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when you are being critisized, and it hurts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hey, and why another 10? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we can only take things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if it somehow touches a roll nerve 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, this hurts darn. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I logging so hard for recognition. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel sad if I don't get it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you can also, why not, speak up? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just tell the other one what's going on inside you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it feels like you don't care about my story 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's not nice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you increase the chance that the other one with understand you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and take your needs into account. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see what I mean 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To conclude 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 how not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 one, it is not about me. Look at the other person's intention. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If that doesn't work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Two, It is about me. Give yourself empathy, and speak up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Lady and gentleman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 imagine 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just imagine 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we could all put this in practice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 together we could create a better world 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wouldn't that be great 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and as a referee I even earn some money by it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 show me hands 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 show me hand. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 oh, so many. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and who still want these now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 why you still want these 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Because it still comes to you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but remember whatever they do or say 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you'll always keep your value. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you.