1 00:00:13,163 --> 00:00:15,174 Good evening, Good evening How are you? 2 00:00:16,593 --> 00:00:18,758 Are you good? Great. 3 00:00:18,832 --> 00:00:20,941 Welcome welcome welcome to this match. 4 00:00:21,236 --> 00:00:27,772 This match will take exactly 18 minutes. And you're all part of the same team: 5 00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:30,080 Mechelen. 6 00:00:30,267 --> 00:00:31,007 Ok. 7 00:00:31,119 --> 00:00:36,976 Hey guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect, and positivity. 8 00:00:37,590 --> 00:00:41,934 Is that ok for everyone? Cool. Good luck. 9 00:00:43,498 --> 00:00:48,258 One year ago, I decided I wanted to become a football referee, 10 00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:51,349 not because of the money though 11 00:00:51,690 --> 00:00:53,920 I only get paid 20 euros per match. 12 00:00:53,955 --> 00:00:57,136 So, I won't really get rich by it. Will I? No. 13 00:00:57,596 --> 00:01:01,649 I decided to become a referee for 2 other reasons: 14 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:07,662 One, to stay in good shape. Two, because I wanted to learn 15 00:01:08,115 --> 00:01:12,115 How not to take things personally? 16 00:01:13,497 --> 00:01:18,695 I can see some people nodding, you're probably thinking being a referee 17 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:22,950 is a perfect environment to learn how not to take things personally. 18 00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:23,853 Isn't it? 19 00:01:23,965 --> 00:01:29,294 Because the spectators hardly ever shouted encouraging or positive things. 20 00:01:29,294 --> 00:01:30,878 No. What do they shout? 21 00:01:30,878 --> 00:01:31,706 Come on, come on. 22 00:01:31,706 --> 00:01:35,567 [Loser, Are you blind?] Yeah, yeah good. 23 00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:38,986 As a referee, I'm the scapegoat. 24 00:01:39,649 --> 00:01:43,952 Apparently, I'm always wrong. It's always my fault. 25 00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:49,160 And I wanted to learn how not to take all this personally. 26 00:01:51,253 --> 00:01:53,439 Because I really struggle with this. 27 00:01:54,389 --> 00:02:00,255 For example, when I drive slowly, because I'm trying to find this specific location, 28 00:02:00,363 --> 00:02:04,626 and somebody is just driving behind me, I feel hunted, 29 00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:08,254 especially when they start honking, and flashing their headlights. 30 00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:10,163 [Sigh] 31 00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:13,531 I take it personally. I know, I shouldn't. 32 00:02:14,403 --> 00:02:17,987 But it just happens, do you see what I mean? 33 00:02:19,150 --> 00:02:22,097 Or when somebody cancels an appointment last minute 34 00:02:22,502 --> 00:02:25,133 I get the feeling that I'm not important enough. 35 00:02:25,572 --> 00:02:28,729 Again, I take it personally. 36 00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,774 Even professionally. 37 00:02:31,895 --> 00:02:34,818 I'm a public speaker like tonight. This is what I do. 38 00:02:34,923 --> 00:02:37,841 I give keynote speeches and I really like it 39 00:02:37,846 --> 00:02:41,126 as long as I can draw my audience into my story. 40 00:02:41,885 --> 00:02:44,324 Because the very, the very moment I see somebody 41 00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:48,994 is not paying attention, for example, when somebody is looking at his smartphone 42 00:02:50,151 --> 00:02:53,289 it just happens. I take it personally. 43 00:02:54,958 --> 00:02:58,001 Relax! You are safe tonight. Don't worry. 44 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,057 Feel free to take your smartphones 45 00:03:00,107 --> 00:03:02,341 and you can even start talking to your neighbor. 46 00:03:02,357 --> 00:03:05,615 I will not take it personally. Why not? 47 00:03:06,116 --> 00:03:07,673 Because now, here and now, 48 00:03:07,706 --> 00:03:10,152 I'm very conscious that this can happen 49 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:13,980 and more importantly I have a strategy to deal with it. 50 00:03:15,248 --> 00:03:19,360 So tonight, I would like to share this strategy with you 51 00:03:19,856 --> 00:03:22,116 Are you interested? Cool. 52 00:03:23,510 --> 00:03:27,326 Because I guess I am not the only person in this room who sometimes 53 00:03:27,509 --> 00:03:29,134 take things personally, Right? 54 00:03:30,596 --> 00:03:35,691 Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies and she replies: 55 00:03:35,691 --> 00:03:37,584 "Oh sorry, I have to work." 56 00:03:38,054 --> 00:03:41,138 But you see a picture on social media 57 00:03:41,378 --> 00:03:45,648 of her having dinner with some friends, that very night. 58 00:03:47,084 --> 00:03:50,448 Or imagine you really have worked very hard on a project. 59 00:03:50,935 --> 00:03:52,948 You're really proud of the end results. 60 00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:56,753 But the only thing you get is criticism. 61 00:03:57,429 --> 00:04:01,339 So you come home and would like to wind down and share 62 00:04:01,346 --> 00:04:03,105 this terrible experience. 63 00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,305 But while you're telling your story 64 00:04:05,443 --> 00:04:08,232 the other one walks away, to switch on the TV. 65 00:04:09,694 --> 00:04:13,311 Now, who would take one of these situations personally. 66 00:04:13,323 --> 00:04:14,810 Show me hands, come on. 67 00:04:15,473 --> 00:04:18,268 Lots of you. Why? 68 00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:22,136 WHY DO WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY? 69 00:04:22,145 --> 00:04:24,888 Somebody says or does something, and BAM! 70 00:04:25,186 --> 00:04:30,498 We feel hurt, neglected, offended, betrayed by the other one. 71 00:04:30,629 --> 00:04:31,967 That's what we believe, though. 72 00:04:32,187 --> 00:04:36,636 It's the other person's fault. He's responsible for what we feel. 73 00:04:36,636 --> 00:04:39,945 He's the one to blame. Now, hang on, hang on. 74 00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:44,603 Who said that? Which part of us is speaking? 75 00:04:46,524 --> 00:04:49,932 It's our ego. Our ego thinks that 76 00:04:49,932 --> 00:04:53,161 others should take us into consideration. 77 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,763 Our ego doesn't want to be criticized. Hell, no. 78 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:59,774 Our ego wants to be acknowledged. I'm right. 79 00:05:01,194 --> 00:05:01,904 (Sigh) 80 00:05:01,904 --> 00:05:06,853 Is this what you want? Do you want to be right? 81 00:05:08,263 --> 00:05:10,411 (Sigh) That's exhausting. 82 00:05:10,705 --> 00:05:13,766 When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day. 83 00:05:13,766 --> 00:05:16,570 I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world. 84 00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:19,083 And it drains my energy. 85 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:24,505 Wouldn't it be so much easier to not take things personally? 86 00:05:24,505 --> 00:05:28,094 Because then, no one has power over you. 87 00:05:28,134 --> 00:05:28,978 You're free. 88 00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:31,530 You experience much more harmony and connection 89 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,435 between you and other people. 90 00:05:33,435 --> 00:05:37,782 Of course, because your energy can go towards nice things, 91 00:05:37,782 --> 00:05:42,914 instead of endlessly battling against things that drive you crazy. 92 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:48,239 So, the question is: Do you want to be right? 93 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:52,616 Or do you want to be happy? 94 00:05:53,044 --> 00:05:55,281 I know what some of you are thinking, 95 00:05:55,281 --> 00:05:59,474 I will make sure I will be happy by being right? 96 00:05:59,474 --> 00:06:02,664 Well, how do you do it? 97 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:07,999 How to become happy by not taking things personally? 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 has or too 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally. 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Sir, sir, good evening. You're the captain of this huge team. 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You can choose, has to tails? 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Has You're lucky, it's has. 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Are you ready for the first strategy? Ok, here it come. 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 First strategy. It's not about me. 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 What do you mean it's not about me? This sounds weird. 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Doesn't it? Because when I take things personally, 110 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'm convinced it is about me. When I see someone is looking at his phone, 111 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I feel offended. I think: 112 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation 113 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I want to be respected. I think me, myself and I. 114 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Sound familiar, no? Yeah. 115 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But in fact, it isn't about me. What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective? 116 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Asking myself, Why? Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone? 117 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for. 118 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be? 119 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone. 120 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Very smart to do that by the way. 121 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We. 122 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I won't take it personally. 123 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 If I try to see the attention of the other one 124 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I make space from the standing instead of irritation. 125 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Does this ring a bell with you? 126 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to 127 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he throws himself on the floor, kicking and streaming 128 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "I hate you". Do you take it personally? 129 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No, you don't. Because you know this is not about me, 130 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer. 131 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's all. 132 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me. 133 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Look at the other person's intention. 134 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry 135 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's not about me You see? 136 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's as simple as that in theory. 137 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job. 138 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day? 139 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 50,000. And guess how many of them are positive? 140 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Only 10,000. 141 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts. 142 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's a lot, isn't it? 143 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other 144 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing 145 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too." 146 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, what do you think: 147 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me." 148 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say: 149 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Hang on! I have no clue." 150 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me. 151 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training 152 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And that's why I became a referee. 153 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 To train my brain not to take things personally. 154 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies. 155 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And before the match I'm warming up 156 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 not only physically but also mentally 157 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room 158 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision 159 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 who someone not agree with. 160 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and they will shout and blessing things at you 161 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me." 162 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win." 163 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see? When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally 164 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with 165 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I feel much more ideas on the field 166 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 when the coach the players or the spectators 167 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 do not agree with my decision 168 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'm less easily to throw off balance 169 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 this strategy lady and gentleman works. 170 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Not always unfortunately. 171 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Because some words they shout at me like here: 172 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Dude, really hit the road nerve?" 173 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "You're a loser, choose another hobby!" 174 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "You know what? Go fishing." 175 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Ouch 176 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Maybe they're all right." 177 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Perhaps I took the wrong position." 178 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Maybe I am a loser." 179 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. 180 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see this? 181 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Every coin has a flip side. 182 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work. 183 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It simply means "It is about me." 184 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I have to look in the mirror and question myself 185 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer. 186 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself. 187 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with. 188 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see my point lady and gentleman? 189 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry 190 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light. 191 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly. 192 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'm aware of it. 193 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I just don't like that clumsy part of myself. 194 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Why else would I take it personally? 195 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Right? 196 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange. 197 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Who would take this personally? 198 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No one, right? Why not? 199 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange. 200 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 An orange? Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that. 201 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Which a luckily not the case with me. 202 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish." 203 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Ouch 204 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I do take it personally. 205 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it. 206 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 come honest 207 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs. 208 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 when you are being critisized, and it hurts. 209 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood 210 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10. 211 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 hey, and why another 10? 212 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you see 213 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we can only take things personally 214 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 if it somehow touches a roll nerve 215 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy. 216 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Oh, this hurts darn. 217 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I logging so hard for recognition. 218 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I feel sad if I don't get it. 219 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see 220 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and you can also, why not, speak up? 221 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just tell the other one what's going on inside you 222 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV 223 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it feels like you don't care about my story 224 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it's not nice 225 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one 226 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you increase the chance that the other one with understand you 227 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and take your needs into account. 228 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see what I mean 229 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 To conclude 230 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 how not to take things personally? 231 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 one, it is not about me. Look at the other person's intention. 232 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 If that doesn't work. 233 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Two, It is about me. Give yourself empathy, and speak up. 234 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Lady and gentleman. 235 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally 236 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies. 237 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 imagine 238 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just imagine 239 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we could all put this in practice 240 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously 241 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 together we could create a better world 242 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 wouldn't that be great 243 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and as a referee I even earn some money by it 244 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally? 245 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 show me hands 246 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 show me hand. 247 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 oh, so many. 248 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 who still want a 20 euros now? 249 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 who still want a 20 euros now? 250 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 who still want a 20 euros now? 251 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and who still want these now? 252 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 why you still want these 20 euros now? 253 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 - Because it still comes to you. 254 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you. 255 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you. 256 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but remember whatever they do or say 257 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you'll always keep your value. 258 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Thank you.