0:00:12.805,0:00:15.441
Good evening, Good evening[br]How are you?

0:00:16.560,0:00:18.758
Are you good?[br]Great.

0:00:18.832,0:00:20.941
Welcome welcome [br]welcome to this match.

0:00:21.236,0:00:27.772
This match will take exactly 18 minutes.[br]And you're all part of the same team:

0:00:28.811,0:00:30.080
Mechelen.

0:00:30.267,0:00:31.007
Ok.

0:00:31.119,0:00:36.976
Hey guys, I would like to see fair play[br]on the field, respect, and positivity.

0:00:37.382,0:00:41.934
Is that ok for everyone?[br]Cool. Good luck.

0:00:43.498,0:00:48.258
One year ago, I decided I wanted [br]to become a football referee,

0:00:48.792,0:00:51.349
not because of the money though

0:00:51.547,0:00:53.920
I only get paid 20 euros per match.

0:00:53.955,0:00:57.136
So, I won't really get rich by it.[br]Will I? No.

0:00:57.596,0:01:01.649
I decided to become a referee [br]for 2 other reasons:

0:01:02.298,0:01:07.662
One, to stay in good shape.[br]Two, because I wanted to learn

0:01:08.115,0:01:12.115
How not to take things personally?

0:01:13.497,0:01:18.695
I can see some people nodding, [br]you're probably thinking being a referee

0:01:18.804,0:01:22.950
is a perfect environment to learn [br]how not to take things personally.

0:01:22.977,0:01:23.853
Isn't it?

0:01:23.965,0:01:29.294
Because the spectators hardly ever [br]shouted encouraging or positive things.

0:01:29.294,0:01:30.878
No. [br]What do they shout?

0:01:30.878,0:01:31.706
Come on, come on.

0:01:31.706,0:01:35.567
[Loser, Are you blind?][br]Yeah, yeah good.

0:01:35.840,0:01:38.986
As a referee, I'm the scapegoat.

0:01:39.649,0:01:43.952
Apparently, I'm always wrong.[br]It's always my fault.

0:01:44.411,0:01:49.160
And I wanted to learn [br]how not to take all this personally.

0:01:51.037,0:01:53.439
Because I really struggle with this.

0:01:54.099,0:02:00.255
For example, when I drive slowly, because [br]I'm trying to find this specific location,

0:02:00.255,0:02:04.626
and somebody is just driving behind me,[br]I feel hunted,

0:02:04.825,0:02:08.254
especially when they start honking, [br]and flashing their headlights.

0:02:09.226,0:02:10.163
[Sigh]

0:02:10.166,0:02:13.531
I take it personally.[br]I know, I shouldn't.

0:02:14.440,0:02:17.987
But it just happens, [br]do you see what I mean?

0:02:19.032,0:02:22.097
Or when somebody cancels [br]an appointment last minute

0:02:22.383,0:02:25.133
I get the feeling that [br]I'm not important enough.

0:02:25.572,0:02:28.729
Again, I take it personally.

0:02:30.073,0:02:31.774
Even professionally.

0:02:31.821,0:02:34.818
I'm a public speaker like tonight.[br]This is what I do.

0:02:34.833,0:02:37.841
I give keynote speeches [br]and I really like it

0:02:37.846,0:02:41.126
as long as I can draw my audience [br]into my story.

0:02:41.661,0:02:44.324
Because the very, the very moment [br]I see somebody

0:02:44.338,0:02:49.448
is not paying attention, for example,[br]when somebody is looking at his smartphone

0:02:49.878,0:02:53.289
it just happens.[br]I take it personally.

0:02:54.722,0:02:58.001
Relax! You are safe tonight.[br]Don't worry.

0:02:58.208,0:03:00.057
Feel free to take your smartphones

0:03:00.057,0:03:02.341
and you can even start talking to[br]your neighbor.

0:03:02.341,0:03:05.615
I will not take it personally.[br]Why not?

0:03:06.016,0:03:07.590
Because now, here and now,

0:03:07.590,0:03:10.152
I'm very conscious that this can happen

0:03:10.171,0:03:13.980
and more importantly [br]I have a strategy to deal with it.

0:03:15.039,0:03:19.360
So tonight, I would like [br]to share this strategy with you

0:03:19.664,0:03:22.116
Are you interested?[br]Cool.

0:03:23.304,0:03:27.326
Because I guess I am not the only person [br]in this room who sometimes

0:03:27.329,0:03:29.543
take things personally, [br]Right?

0:03:30.426,0:03:35.691
Imagine you invite a friend to go to [br]the movies and she replies:

0:03:35.691,0:03:37.584
"Oh sorry, I have to work."

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But you see a picture on social media

0:03:41.138,0:03:45.648
of her having dinner with some friends, [br]that very night.

0:03:46.993,0:03:50.448
Or imagine you really have worked[br]very hard on a project.

0:03:50.935,0:03:52.948
You're really proud of the end results.

0:03:53.639,0:03:57.210
But the only thing you get is criticism.

0:03:57.299,0:04:01.339
So you come home and would like [br]to wind down and share

0:04:01.346,0:04:03.105
this terrible experience.

0:04:03.227,0:04:05.305
But while you're telling your story

0:04:05.305,0:04:08.232
the other one walks away, [br]to switch on the TV.

0:04:09.394,0:04:13.311
Now, who would take one of these [br]situations personally.

0:04:13.323,0:04:14.810
Show me hands, come on.

0:04:15.473,0:04:19.301
Lots of you.[br]Why?

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WHY DO WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY?

0:04:22.145,0:04:24.888
Somebody says or does something, [br]and BAM!

0:04:25.186,0:04:30.498
We feel hurt, neglected, offended, [br]betrayed by the other one.

0:04:30.498,0:04:32.097
That's what we believe, though.

0:04:32.097,0:04:36.636
It's the other person's fault.[br]He's responsible for what we feel.

0:04:36.636,0:04:39.945
He's the one to blame.[br]Now, hang on, hang on.

0:04:40.317,0:04:44.603
Who said that?[br]Which part of us is speaking?

0:04:46.524,0:04:49.932
It's our ego.[br]Our ego thinks that

0:04:49.932,0:04:53.161
others should take us [br]into consideration.

0:04:53.161,0:04:55.763
Our ego doesn't want to be criticized. [br]Hell, no.

0:04:55.763,0:04:59.774
Our ego wants to be acknowledged.[br]I'm right.

0:05:00.890,0:05:01.735
(Sigh)

0:05:02.062,0:05:06.853
Is this what you want? [br]Do you want to be right?

0:05:08.263,0:05:10.411
(Sigh)[br]That's exhausting.

0:05:10.705,0:05:13.766
When my ego takes over, [br]I'm fighting all day.

0:05:13.766,0:05:16.570
I'm in a constant struggle [br]with the rest of the world.

0:05:17.517,0:05:19.083
And it drains my energy.

0:05:19.660,0:05:24.505
Wouldn't it be so much easier [br]to not take things personally?

0:05:24.505,0:05:28.094
Because then, no one [br]has power over you.

0:05:28.134,0:05:28.978
You're free.

0:05:28.978,0:05:31.530
You experience much more [br]harmony and connection

0:05:31.530,0:05:33.435
between you and other people.

0:05:33.435,0:05:37.782
Of course, because your energy [br]can go towards nice things,

0:05:37.782,0:05:42.914
instead of endlessly battling [br]against things that drive you crazy.

0:05:43.917,0:05:48.239
So, the question is:[br]Do you want to be right?

0:05:49.183,0:05:52.616
Or do you want to be happy?

0:05:53.044,0:05:55.281
I know what some of you are thinking,

0:05:55.281,0:05:59.474
I will make sure I will be happy [br]by being right?

0:05:59.474,0:06:02.664
Well, how do you do it?

0:06:02.829,0:06:07.999
How to become happy by [br]not taking things personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
has or too

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sir, sir, good evening.[br]You're the captain of this huge team.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You can choose, has to tails?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Has[br]You're lucky, it's has.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are you ready for the first strategy?[br]Ok, here it come.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
First strategy.[br]It's not about me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What do you mean it's not about me?[br]This sounds weird.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Doesn't it?[br]Because when I take things personally,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm convinced it is about me.[br]When I see someone is looking at his phone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I feel offended.[br]I think:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to be respected.[br]I think me, myself and I.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sound familiar, no?[br]Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But in fact, it isn't about me.[br]What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Asking myself, Why?[br]Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Very smart to do that by the way.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I won't take it personally.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If I try to see the attention of the other one

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I make space from the standing instead of irritation.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Does this ring a bell with you?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he throws himself on the floor,[br]kicking and streaming

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I hate you".[br]Do you take it personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
No, you don't.[br]Because you know this is not about me,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's all.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Look at the other person's intention.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's not about me[br]You see?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's as simple as that in theory.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
50,000. [br]And guess how many of them are positive?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Only 10,000.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's a lot, isn't it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, what do you think:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Hang on! I have no clue."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And that's why I became a referee.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To train my brain not to take things personally.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And before the match I'm warming up

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
not only physically but also mentally

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who someone not agree with.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and they will shout and blessing things at you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see? [br]When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I feel much more ideas on the field

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when the coach the players or the spectators

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
do not agree with my decision

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm less easily to throw off balance

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this strategy lady and gentleman works.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Not always unfortunately.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because some words they shout at me like here:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Dude, really hit the road nerve?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"You're a loser, choose another hobby!"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"You know what? Go fishing."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Ouch

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Maybe they're all right."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Perhaps I took the wrong position."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Maybe I am a loser."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see this?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Every coin has a flip side.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It simply means "It is about me."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I have to look in the mirror and question myself

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see my point lady and gentleman?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm aware of it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I just don't like that clumsy part of myself.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Why else would I take it personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Who would take this personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
No one, right? [br]Why not?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
An orange?[br]Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Which a luckily not the case with me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Ouch

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I do take it personally.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
come honest

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when you are being critisized, and it hurts.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
hey, and why another 10?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you see

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we can only take things personally

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
if it somehow touches a roll nerve

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh, this hurts darn.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I logging so hard for recognition.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I feel sad if I don't get it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and you can also, why not, speak up?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
just tell the other one what's going on inside you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it feels like you don't care about my story

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's not nice

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you increase the chance that the other one with understand you

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and take your needs into account.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see what I mean

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To conclude

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how not to take things personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
one, it is not about me.[br]Look at the other person's intention.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If that doesn't work.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Two, It is about me.[br]Give yourself empathy, and speak up.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Lady and gentleman.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
imagine

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
just imagine

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we could all put this in practice

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
together we could create a better world

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
wouldn't that be great

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and as a referee I even earn some money by it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
show me hands

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
show me hand.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
oh, so many.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who still want a 20 euros now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who still want a 20 euros now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who still want a 20 euros now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and who still want these now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
why you still want these 20 euros now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
- Because it still comes to you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but remember whatever they do or say

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you'll always keep your value.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.