WEBVTT 00:00:12.805 --> 00:00:15.441 Good evening, Good evening How are you? 00:00:16.560 --> 00:00:18.758 Are you good? Great. 00:00:18.832 --> 00:00:20.941 Welcome welcome welcome to this match. 00:00:21.236 --> 00:00:27.772 This match will take exactly 18 minutes. And you're all part of the same team: 00:00:28.811 --> 00:00:30.080 Mechelen. 00:00:30.267 --> 00:00:31.007 Ok. 00:00:31.119 --> 00:00:36.976 Hey guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect, and positivity. 00:00:37.382 --> 00:00:41.934 Is that ok for everyone? Cool. Good luck. 00:00:43.498 --> 00:00:48.258 One year ago, I decided I wanted to become a football referee, 00:00:48.792 --> 00:00:51.349 not because of the money though 00:00:51.547 --> 00:00:53.920 I only get paid 20 euros per match. 00:00:53.955 --> 00:00:57.136 So, I won't really get rich by it. Will I? No. 00:00:57.596 --> 00:01:01.649 I decided to become a referee for 2 other reasons: 00:01:02.298 --> 00:01:07.662 One, to stay in good shape. Two, because I wanted to learn 00:01:08.115 --> 00:01:12.115 How not to take things personally? 00:01:13.497 --> 00:01:18.695 I can see some people nodding, you're probably thinking being a referee 00:01:18.804 --> 00:01:22.950 is a perfect environment to learn how not to take things personally. 00:01:22.977 --> 00:01:23.853 Isn't it? 00:01:23.965 --> 00:01:29.294 Because the spectators hardly ever shouted encouraging or positive things. 00:01:29.294 --> 00:01:30.878 No. What do they shout? 00:01:30.878 --> 00:01:31.706 Come on, come on. 00:01:31.706 --> 00:01:35.567 [Loser, Are you blind?] Yeah, yeah good. 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:38.986 As a referee, I'm the scapegoat. 00:01:39.649 --> 00:01:43.952 Apparently, I'm always wrong. It's always my fault. 00:01:44.411 --> 00:01:49.160 And I wanted to learn how not to take all this personally. 00:01:51.037 --> 00:01:53.439 Because I really struggle with this. 00:01:54.099 --> 00:02:00.255 For example, when I drive slowly, because I'm trying to find this specific location, 00:02:00.255 --> 00:02:04.626 and somebody is just driving behind me, I feel hunted, 00:02:04.825 --> 00:02:08.254 especially when they start honking, and flashing their headlights. 00:02:09.226 --> 00:02:10.163 [Sigh] 00:02:10.166 --> 00:02:13.531 I take it personally. I know, I shouldn't. 00:02:14.440 --> 00:02:17.987 But it just happens, do you see what I mean? 00:02:19.032 --> 00:02:22.097 Or when somebody cancels an appointment last minute 00:02:22.383 --> 00:02:25.133 I get the feeling that I'm not important enough. 00:02:25.572 --> 00:02:28.729 Again, I take it personally. 00:02:30.073 --> 00:02:31.774 Even professionally. 00:02:31.821 --> 00:02:34.818 I'm a public speaker like tonight. This is what I do. 00:02:34.833 --> 00:02:37.841 I give keynote speeches and I really like it 00:02:37.846 --> 00:02:41.126 as long as I can draw my audience into my story. 00:02:41.661 --> 00:02:44.324 Because the very, the very moment I see somebody 00:02:44.338 --> 00:02:49.448 is not paying attention, for example, when somebody is looking at his smartphone 00:02:49.878 --> 00:02:53.289 it just happens. I take it personally. 00:02:54.722 --> 00:02:58.001 Relax! You are safe tonight. Don't worry. 00:02:58.208 --> 00:03:00.057 Feel free to take your smartphones 00:03:00.057 --> 00:03:02.341 and you can even start talking to your neighbor. 00:03:02.341 --> 00:03:05.615 I will not take it personally. Why not? 00:03:06.016 --> 00:03:07.590 Because now, here and now, 00:03:07.590 --> 00:03:10.152 I'm very conscious that this can happen 00:03:10.171 --> 00:03:13.980 and more importantly I have a strategy to deal with it. 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:19.360 So tonight, I would like to share this strategy with you 00:03:19.664 --> 00:03:22.116 Are you interested? Cool. 00:03:23.304 --> 00:03:27.326 Because I guess I am not the only person in this room who sometimes 00:03:27.329 --> 00:03:29.543 take things personally, Right? 00:03:30.426 --> 00:03:35.691 Imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies and she replies: 00:03:35.691 --> 00:03:37.584 "Oh sorry, I have to work." 00:03:37.814 --> 00:03:41.138 But you see a picture on social media 00:03:41.138 --> 00:03:45.648 of her having dinner with some friends, that very night. 00:03:46.993 --> 00:03:50.448 Or imagine you really have worked very hard on a project. 00:03:50.935 --> 00:03:52.948 You're really proud of the end results. 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:57.210 But the only thing you get is criticism. 00:03:57.299 --> 00:04:01.339 So you come home and would like to wind down and share 00:04:01.346 --> 00:04:03.105 this terrible experience. 00:04:03.227 --> 00:04:05.305 But while you're telling your story 00:04:05.305 --> 00:04:08.232 the other one walks away, to switch on the TV. 00:04:09.394 --> 00:04:13.311 Now, who would take one of these situations personally. 00:04:13.323 --> 00:04:14.810 Show me hands, come on. 00:04:15.473 --> 00:04:19.301 Lots of you. Why? 00:04:19.790 --> 00:04:22.136 WHY DO WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY? 00:04:22.145 --> 00:04:24.888 Somebody says or does something, and BAM! 00:04:25.186 --> 00:04:30.498 We feel hurt, neglected, offended, betrayed by the other one. 00:04:30.498 --> 00:04:32.097 That's what we believe, though. 00:04:32.097 --> 00:04:36.636 It's the other person's fault. He's responsible for what we feel. 00:04:36.636 --> 00:04:39.945 He's the one to blame. Now, hang on, hang on. 00:04:40.317 --> 00:04:44.603 Who said that? Which part of us is speaking? 00:04:46.524 --> 00:04:49.932 It's our ego. Our ego thinks that 00:04:49.932 --> 00:04:53.161 others should take us into consideration. 00:04:53.161 --> 00:04:55.763 Our ego doesn't want to be criticized. Hell, no. 00:04:55.763 --> 00:04:59.774 Our ego wants to be acknowledged. I'm right. 00:05:00.890 --> 00:05:01.735 (Sigh) 00:05:02.062 --> 00:05:06.853 Is this what you want? Do you want to be right? 00:05:08.263 --> 00:05:10.411 (Sigh) That's exhausting. 00:05:10.705 --> 00:05:13.766 When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day. 00:05:13.766 --> 00:05:16.570 I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world. 00:05:17.517 --> 00:05:19.083 And it drains my energy. 00:05:19.660 --> 00:05:24.505 Wouldn't it be so much easier to not take things personally? 00:05:24.505 --> 00:05:28.094 Because then, no one has power over you. 00:05:28.134 --> 00:05:28.978 You're free. 00:05:28.978 --> 00:05:31.530 You experience much more harmony and connection 00:05:31.530 --> 00:05:33.435 between you and other people. 00:05:33.435 --> 00:05:37.782 Of course, because your energy can go towards nice things, 00:05:37.782 --> 00:05:42.914 instead of endlessly battling against things that drive you crazy. 00:05:43.917 --> 00:05:48.239 So, the question is: Do you want to be right? 00:05:49.183 --> 00:05:52.616 Or do you want to be happy? 00:05:53.044 --> 00:05:55.281 I know what some of you are thinking, 00:05:55.281 --> 00:05:59.474 I will make sure I will be happy by being right? 00:05:59.474 --> 00:06:02.664 Well, how do you do it? 00:06:02.829 --> 00:06:07.999 How to become happy by not taking things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You are standing at the kick off of the match of your life 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The match by with you will learn how to stop taking things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So as a referee, I brought my coin for the task and every coin has two sides 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 has or too 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They stand for two strategies, two strategies to no longer taking things personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sir, sir, good evening. You're the captain of this huge team. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can choose, has to tails? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Has You're lucky, it's has. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Are you ready for the first strategy? Ok, here it come. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 First strategy. It's not about me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What do you mean it's not about me? This sounds weird. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Doesn't it? Because when I take things personally, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm convinced it is about me. When I see someone is looking at his phone, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel offended. I think: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey, I put so much effort and excitement in presentation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I want to be respected. I think me, myself and I. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sound familiar, no? Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But in fact, it isn't about me. What if I try to look at it from the other person's perspective? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Asking myself, Why? Why is he or she looking at his or her smartphone? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe, he has just received an important message, one he has been waiting for. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or the topic of my representation is not really his cup of tea, could be? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or in other country, he finds it very interesting and he wants to take note on his smartphone. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Very smart to do that by the way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I simply need to shift my focus from Me to We. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I won't take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If I try to see the attention of the other one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I make space from the standing instead of irritation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Does this ring a bell with you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you put your son to bed, but he doesn't want to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he throws himself on the floor, kicking and streaming 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I hate you". Do you take it personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, you don't. Because you know this is not about me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this's about what he wants, what he needs, he's angry because he just want to stay up a little bit longer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So the first strategy, to not take it personally is It's not about me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Look at the other person's intention. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When a driver is tegating and flashing his light he probably does it because he's in a hurry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's not about me You see? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's as simple as that in theory. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because in real life it turns out to be a hellover job. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Do you have any ideas lady and gentleman how many thoughts our brain produces a day? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50,000. And guess how many of them are positive? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Only 10,000. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So this means 80% of what we think all negative thoughts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's a lot, isn't it? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you see 2 colleagues talking to each other 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And just then, they're looking you and they start laughing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Do you think:" Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and they want them too." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, what do you think: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Darn, they're laughing at me, they're gossiping about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hang on! I have no clue." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, seeing the positive intention of the other one requires a lot of discipline and training 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And that's why I became a referee. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To train my brain not to take things personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I train my brain an hour half a week the entire period of my job I chasing to the football dummies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And before the match I'm warming up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 not only physically but also mentally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I give myself some pep talk in a dressing room 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Fedrick watch out, lots of things will trigger you during the game, you going to make decision 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who someone not agree with. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they will shout and blessing things at you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so I tell myself "Fedrick, don't take it personally, it's not about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "They just want to be right, they simply want their team to win." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see? When I focus on the intention of the other person there's no need to take it personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when I apply this strategy very consciously I agree with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel much more ideas on the field 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when the coach the players or the spectators 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 do not agree with my decision 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm less easily to throw off balance 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this strategy lady and gentleman works. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not always unfortunately. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because some words they shout at me like here: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dude, really hit the road nerve?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You're a loser, choose another hobby!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You know what? Go fishing." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ouch 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Maybe they're all right." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Perhaps I took the wrong position." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Maybe I am a loser." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see this? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Every coin has a flip side. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When this first strategy, it's not about me doesn't work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It simply means "It is about me." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have to look in the mirror and question myself 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I has a beginning as a referee and I still feel insecure, especially me, I never play soccer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It is about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt about myself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All of part of myself that I haven't come to term with. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see my point lady and gentleman? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if I know that the driver is only tearigating because he's in a hurry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I still take it personally when he horns or flashing his head light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I must question myself probably I was driving too slowly. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm aware of it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just don't like that clumsy part of myself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why else would I take it personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When I say, lady and gentleman, you are an orange. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who would take this personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No one, right? Why not? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because nope of you believe that you are in fact an orange. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 An orange? Unless of course you're a ginger, and you feel bad because of that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which a luckily not the case with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, when someone said "Fedrick, you are so selfish." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ouch 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I do take it personally. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it only happens because I know there is some truth in it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 come honest 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 i'm aware of the fact i do not always take it to account other people needs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when you are being critisized, and it hurts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 chance's all big that this is rooted in your childhood 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 maybe as a child you will never good enough, when you came home with a 9 out of 10. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hey, and why another 10? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we can only take things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if it somehow touches a roll nerve 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that's the moment to give yourself some empathy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, this hurts darn. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I logging so hard for recognition. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I feel sad if I don't get it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you can also, why not, speak up? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just tell the other one what's going on inside you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hey I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to switch on the TV 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it feels like you don't care about my story 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's not nice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 by opening up, by being vulnerable by telling what you feel without blaming the other one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you increase the chance that the other one with understand you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and take your needs into account. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You see what I mean 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To conclude 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 how not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 one, it is not about me. Look at the other person's intention. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If that doesn't work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Two, It is about me. Give yourself empathy, and speak up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Lady and gentleman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Please, probably do not take personally. But I really do hope that you will take a couple of things personally 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 within the next hours and days, only if you do, you can test out these two strategies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 imagine 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just imagine 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we could all put this in practice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wouldn't that enhance our relationships enourmously 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 together we could create a better world 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wouldn't that be great 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and as a referee I even earn some money by it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who doesn't like 20 euros to learn how not to take things personally? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 show me hands 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 show me hand. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 oh, so many. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who still want a 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and who still want these now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 why you still want these 20 euros now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Because it still comes to you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They can crumble you up with their word, spit you out or even word all over you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but remember whatever they do or say 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you'll always keep your value. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you.