WEBVTT

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Perhaps you know what this is.

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This is called a demo,
and it's sometimes used in schools

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to show young people
how to put on a condom correctly.

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And there is a correct way
because ejaculation comes out of the penis

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at just under 30 miles per hour.

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So there needs to be no air in the tip
for it to withhold the spurt.

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Did you know that?

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(Laughter)

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Did you know that
when you first started having sex,

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when you started to have relationships?

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Perhaps you were lucky

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and someone showed you
how to put on a condom using one of these.

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Or maybe penises just aren't your thing,

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and you needed to be told
about an alternative method.

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But did you know what to ask for what
you really enjoyed when you first had sex?

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I want to talk to you today
about changing the narrative

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within sex education,

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why we should be talking about it
sooner rather than later,

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and why we should be
talking about pleasure.

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You'll be pleased to know that there's
no audience participation in my talk,

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so you can all breathe a sigh of relief.

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What is sex for?

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Why do we have sex?

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I'm going to be blunt and presume
that the majority of people

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aren't having sex
for just procreation purposes,

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but that we have sex
for reasons that are a lot more ...

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exciting.

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Connection, enjoyment,

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pleasure, and play.

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By avoiding these simple truths
when we talk about sex,

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we are doing a huge disservice
to both ourselves and the next generation

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because we and they deserve
these kind of experiences

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within our sex and relationships.

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Not only that, but by boxing it up
as biology with crudely drawn diagrams,

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we create this idea that there's one
normal approach to sex and relationships.

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Thus totally excluding this wonderful
spectrum of activity in human beings

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that our world is made up with.

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Now, growing up,

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I was really lucky that I had
a great group of friends

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who I could talk to about sex.

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And we used to freely discuss
desire and pleasure,

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mostly the lack of it.

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But one thing we used to really
love talking about is masturbation.

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We used to talk about it
all the time, a lot.

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And the way that we discovered
what masturbation was

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is nothing short of a feminist miracle.

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It was from the film American Pie.

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(Laughter)

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Now, I'm sure many of you
have seen this film.

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Those of you who haven't,

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American Pie is this really lewd
coming of age movie from the late 90s,

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and it's about this group of boys
who are about to go to college

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and they make this pact
to try and "lose their virginities"

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before their high school prom.

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There's some really ridiculous
and embarrassing moments

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that are ethically questionable
and totally toxic,

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but I want to focus on the bit
that really interested us.

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So a storyline running concurrently
with the boys trying to have sex,

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there were two female characters
called Vicky and Jessica.

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And they discuss orgasms
in such a normal way

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that that became normal for me
and my friends to discuss orgasms.

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Additionally, there is
this really wonderful scene

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where Vicky receives oral
from her boyfriend,

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and he's gifted this bible
of tongue twisters and instructions

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because he really wanted
to be good for her;

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he wants her to really enjoy it.

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And that was it, there it was.

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The female orgasm was talked about
and depicted in a really big film,

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and it was normalized.

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And suddenly that became normal
for me and my group of friends.

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And it was almost a kind of permission.

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We had permission to experience
desire and pleasure,

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and we talked about it,
and it was really fun.

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Now, whilst that was a great discovery
for me and my friends,

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that can't be said
for my formative sex education.

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So the first time I was taught
anything sex-like

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was a few years previous to American Pie,

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when an elderly school nurse
sat at the front of my class

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aggressively brandishing a cap,

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one of these.

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And we all looked on, perplexed.

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She said: "You're going
to need one of these

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if you're going to (Muffled) 'have sex'."

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(Laughter)

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Really? Oh?

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So if you imagine it with no sound.

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And to demonstrate how this
managed the incoming penis,

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she probed at it with her two fingers,

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and this demo cap, it was so old,
that she just tore a massive hole into it,

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which is not what a cap should do,
by the way; they're very sturdy.

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And that was it, 10 minutes,
not even 10 minutes, she left,

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we carried on with our lesson,
and all of us were like,

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"What's happened?
What's just happened?"

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I didn't know where it was meant to go

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or why really I needed one.

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Did the girls in the class
who liked girls need one as well?

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For a while afterwards,

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I thought it was meant to perch
on the end of a penis haphazardly.

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Or it was meant to lie
at the entrance of my vagina

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like some sort of
trampoline in the ground,

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causing whatever was to enter
to bounce off of it.

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And I didn't have the internet
at home to ask any questions,

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and I didn't really want
to ask anybody else either.

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American Pie would come out
a few years later,

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and you know, pique my interest.

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But at that age and in that time,
sex wasn't really around that much.

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I didn't really see it anywhere.

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So, I continued growing up.

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I read about it in Judy Blume books.

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I glanced at the top shelf
of a newsagent's.

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I struggled to figure out who I liked,
who I loved, all pretty blindly.

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Nobody talked to me about connection,
nothing about enjoyment,

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nothing about pleasure,
and nothing about play,

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and that sucked.

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A few formative experiences in my life

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later influenced my decision
to become a psychotherapist.

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A lot of that work has been
very relationship based,

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with both adults and teens.

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So over that time I've naturally heard
quite a few sex stories.

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And I really have heard them all,

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the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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It's wonderful to hear the good:

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erotic, filthy, transcending,

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playful, hilarious, loving,

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orgasmic, connecting, empowering.

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The bad:

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awkward, embarrassing,

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weird tastes, weird smells, weird noises,

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the dog walking in.

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Having sex with somebody
you shouldn't really be having sex with,

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like your boss, or your ex-partner,
or someone else's partner.

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These are encounters
which are still light-hearted,

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and the situation is still fine for you
to still have a good sexual encounter,

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just a bit cringy,
maybe a little bit regretful.

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But then, there's the ugly, shameful,

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manipulative, humiliated,

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coerced, forced,

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and I heard so many of those sex stories
that I just thought I have to do something

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that's a bit more proactive
when it comes to sex education.

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So, I decided to teach it.

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I got a job teaching
sex education to teenagers

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and running sexual health drop-in clinics.

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So during that time in the drop-in clinic,

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I got asked anything and everything,
which was great, so great.

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But I noticed amongst all
of the conversations we were having

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around STIs and contraception and consent,

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there was still something
we weren't actively discussing:

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pleasure.

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So I started asking them:

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"You know all these
sex toys you're having,

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is it fun?

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Does it feel good?

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Does your partner care about it
feeling good for you, and vice versa?"

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And then suddenly I was having
these conversations with young people,

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and realizing that there's
another category of sex stories,

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sad ones.

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I heard about sexual activity
for these young people

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in which they were passive, where acts
were done to them and at them

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instead of being active,
equal participants.

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And not only did I see myself in that,
but I saw history repeating itself

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almost 20 years later.

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It became clear that by not being
open with pleasure information,

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we're just helping
this pleasure gap widen,

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and we're still creating
this huge blind spot

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in how young people learn to have sex.

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And what broke my heart

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was that I heard so few good
sex stories in that age range.

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And I also learned
there's a fine, fine line

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between the bad and the ugly.

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I learned that for so many teenagers

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a sexual encounter
was about power dynamics,

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or pushing boundaries, or an obligation.

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Lying back and thinking of England.

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On the other side,

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those who were doing it
at their partners, not with them.

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Did they really want to be doing that?

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Looking at how sex education
is currently taught in schools,

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there's definitely some things
to be really pleased about.

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We're having more conversations
around consent and healthy relationships,

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and we're being more
inclusive with LGBTQ+,

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and those with disabilities
and learning needs.

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But there is still a gap,

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and young people still aren't getting
all the information that they really need.

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Most notably, there's still a lack
of real pleasure information

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and blunt appreciation
for what sex is for:

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connection, enjoyment,
pleasure, and play.

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And that it is for every body.

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We're still reluctant
to talk to our young people

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as sex as being a pleasurable
and connecting act,

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something we do because
we really enjoy doing it.

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We still keep it as something hidden,

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something half obscured,
in the hope that they'll just get it.

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Sex education still
has a really long way to go,

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with new legislation coming in to make it
a mandatory part of the curriculum,

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now is the time to be thinking
about how it could be rebooted.

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So firstly, I want us to see
sex education as a broad term,

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because it is broad.

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We learn it from lots of different places,
not just in our education system.

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We learn it from friends,
partners, parents,

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guardians, TV, film,

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advertising, social media.

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Nowadays, it is everywhere.

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Sex is everywhere.

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It's no longer just in Judy Blume books,
or on the top shelf of a newsagent's.

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To believe that we can 
compartmentalize sex education

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into a lesson or two at school,

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probably thrust upon some
unsuspecting, overworked teacher,

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and for that to be enough,

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is a fallacy.

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Sex and the way we that we talk about it

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deserves so much more
than a lesson in a time table,

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because it's feeling.

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It makes the world go around.

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It connects us.

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In the absence of robust sex education
starting from an early age,

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we know what young people are turning to:

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the internet.

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The fountain of all knowledge
and also cat pictures,

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but where anyone decides
that they're going to type in a question

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that has the word "sex" in the sentence,

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one is also going to naturally
stumble upon something

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that is, oh, so ready to be discovered:

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free access pornography,
which has no boundaries.

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I don't need to tell you
that this kind of pornography

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is rarely a wholesome source
of impartial information

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for young people to learn about sex.

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Pornography is a big business

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and an industry that has
very little regard for what it's teaching.

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I took the liberty of going
to a few free access websites

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to see what was on their landing pages
and what were the most searched-for terms.

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[gang, fake rape, teen, barely-legal,
step-brother, screaming, unwanted, son]

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It's estimated over half
of 11- to 16-year-olds

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have seen pornography online,

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with the average age of first seeing it
being 11 years old.

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Some argue that
that could be even younger.

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The stats show that this
is usually by accident

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or by someone actively showing them,

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but that's still really worrying.

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Now, pornography and the concept
of being turned on

00:13:31.551 --> 00:13:34.582
by erotic representations isn't new.

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There's nothing wrong
with it, nothing shameful,

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and it's normal to engage
in fantasy for arousal.

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And I want to be clear that I'm not here
to demonize all of pornography.

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What I do have a problem with
is how easy that was to find,

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and how so much of that content

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is categorizing and fetishizing
particular human beings,

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usually through degradation
and humiliation.

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And I fear what that does
to young people's brains.

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Not only that, I worry
about objectification,

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and I worry what that repeated exposure

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does to their ability
to connect with others.

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Around a third of sexual abuse
of children is carried out by their peers.

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Where is that coming from?

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If we're so unprepared to talk
about connection and enjoyment,

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then what are their relationships
going to be like?

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I know that this feels really
uncomfortable for lots of adults,

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and as adults and parents, we want
to keep children as safe as possible.

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You might think that by talking about this
you might be affecting them negatively

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or even impacting their childhoods.

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We want them to enjoy
naivety and innocence,

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and to not frighten them 
with something that feels too big,

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or too adult, and too big
a conversation to be having.

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You might also be really worried
that it might be seen

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as crossing a boundary,
being inappropriate

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or hyper-sexualizing children,

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but the aim here is that
we want the next generation

00:15:11.371 --> 00:15:13.928
to understand that sex and relationships

00:15:13.928 --> 00:15:17.898
is about connection, enjoyment,
pleasure, and play,

00:15:18.269 --> 00:15:22.255
so that they can recognize it
when it is not these things.

00:15:22.967 --> 00:15:27.509
As much as I want us to come at this
from a fun and pleasurable point of view,

00:15:27.739 --> 00:15:29.680
I also really want us all to be vigilant

00:15:29.680 --> 00:15:32.875
and to safeguard against abuse
that might be hiding under our radar.

00:15:34.262 --> 00:15:35.771
So what's the solution?

00:15:36.401 --> 00:15:38.733
How do we have
these kind of conversations?

00:15:40.525 --> 00:15:44.062
So, when a child or teenager
asks you about sex,

00:15:44.432 --> 00:15:46.105
please don't run away.

00:15:46.775 --> 00:15:48.697
Step into it.

00:15:49.124 --> 00:15:50.727
They come to you for a reason.

00:15:51.127 --> 00:15:53.247
Their curiosity has brought them to you,

00:15:53.247 --> 00:15:55.828
who they trust to provide them
with some answers.

00:15:56.396 --> 00:16:00.382
Don't rebuke them with
an "I'll tell you when you're older."

00:16:02.376 --> 00:16:05.751
See this as an opportunity
to give them real information,

00:16:06.201 --> 00:16:09.399
and it'll keep the conversation open
for when they get older.

00:16:10.046 --> 00:16:13.563
To help you navigate,
remember these three key things.

00:16:14.123 --> 00:16:18.616
Number one: use the correct
terminology from the get-go.

00:16:18.616 --> 00:16:20.792
It avoids confusion
and it keeps them safe.

00:16:21.168 --> 00:16:24.606
For example: it's not
a tuppence, it's not a fuff.

00:16:24.606 --> 00:16:27.050
It's a vulva and a vagina.

00:16:29.138 --> 00:16:30.300
Okay?

00:16:31.755 --> 00:16:35.203
The vagina is on the inside, the vulva
makes up all that's on the outside

00:16:35.203 --> 00:16:38.555
of someone who has
biologically female sex organs.

00:16:38.967 --> 00:16:43.276
Using the correct terms, it's not dirty;
they're not dirty words.

00:16:43.856 --> 00:16:47.742
Number two: sex, talking about sex,

00:16:48.072 --> 00:16:51.172
and having sexual feelings isn't shameful.

00:16:51.772 --> 00:16:54.850
Avoid telling them off. Stay curious.

00:16:55.140 --> 00:16:59.437
Remember that it's normal,
natural, and healthy.

00:16:59.848 --> 00:17:03.463
And number three:
if everything else fails you,

00:17:03.723 --> 00:17:06.897
keep fun and connection
at the basis of your conversation.

00:17:08.437 --> 00:17:11.892
Because at the heart of it, what is sex?

00:17:12.786 --> 00:17:16.211
It's love in its rawest form.

00:17:17.137 --> 00:17:21.147
It's a meeting of ourselves
and human beings in vulnerable states.

00:17:22.269 --> 00:17:24.166
It's swimming together,

00:17:24.166 --> 00:17:27.285
being in your own little bubble,
your own little world.

00:17:28.165 --> 00:17:30.466
It's being in a space to explore

00:17:30.466 --> 00:17:33.642
and trusting that that person
will treat your body with respect.

00:17:34.750 --> 00:17:38.966
It's being inside your own body,
experiencing what it can do,

00:17:39.633 --> 00:17:43.900
being empowered in your sexuality
and choosing what to do with it.

00:17:46.049 --> 00:17:51.361
I wonder if we'd always been taught
about connection, enjoyment,

00:17:51.793 --> 00:17:53.983
pleasure, and play.

00:17:55.184 --> 00:17:56.799
How would we make love?

00:17:58.501 --> 00:18:01.076
How would we express desire?

00:18:02.614 --> 00:18:07.383
Without the pressure to perform,
what sounds would we make?

00:18:08.617 --> 00:18:10.850
Where would our eyes go?

00:18:11.866 --> 00:18:14.782
What positions would we
place our bodies in?

00:18:16.048 --> 00:18:18.650
How would we have ourselves be touched?

00:18:21.068 --> 00:18:24.398
Which erogenous zones
would actually drive us wild?

00:18:26.258 --> 00:18:29.483
Would we have less or more sex?

00:18:31.845 --> 00:18:33.908
Would we be different with each other?

00:18:35.452 --> 00:18:36.999
Would you be different?

00:18:38.584 --> 00:18:40.078
How would the world be?

00:18:42.579 --> 00:18:44.706
I really believe in the next generation,

00:18:45.136 --> 00:18:48.727
and I believe they're capable
of love and connection,

00:18:48.727 --> 00:18:50.546
and to hear this kind of information.

00:18:52.644 --> 00:18:55.435
I know talking about sex
can feel really awkward,

00:18:55.977 --> 00:18:57.309
but it doesn't have to be.

00:18:58.579 --> 00:19:02.973
Be brave, break it down,
and talk about sex.

00:19:03.565 --> 00:19:04.653
Thank you.

00:19:04.769 --> 00:19:07.769
(Applause)