Folks
You guys ever think about how every passing second brings us just a little bit
closer to death? Yeah, me neither.
I feel like I say this all the time, but I just turned 30 and I'll be honest,
I'm feeling it. I remember being a kid and hearing my dad complain about his
back pain, and then in my head I was like, 'damn, that must suck. Good thing it's
never gonna happen to me though!' But alas! Here I am!
If I sleep incorrectly, I have to take an Advil. Last summer I rode a roller coaster
and I had a headache for a week. I'm being slowly dragged to hell and I can
feel it. But aging is a part of life, ok? It's inevitable. We're all aging all the
time, that's quite literally how the human body works. But for as long as us humans
have been around, we have been trying to fight this natural decay that we all
experience. And anti-aging content has been around for a while, but lately I've
seen an increase in popularity of anti- aging products and techniques on TikTok
specifically and I thought it'd be fun if we took a look at them today.
I should say I haven't seen a lot personally because my For You page is
all the way cooked. It's fuckin' burnt to a crisp.
But my wife has seen a lot of these videos she's actually the one who gave me this
video idea. So everybody say thank you Jenna on three. One two three
Thank you, Jenna!
So first off, I think that it's important that we talk about the history of
anti-aging products and techniques because the concept of anti-aging in itself is
very old and wrinkly, gross, yuck.
Even dating all the way back to 69 BCE, hilarious year by the way.
In the year 69 BCE, Cleopatra apparently took daily baths in donkey milk in order
to maintain a youthful look. Now I know why the dragon from Shrek looks
so young. It's all that donkey milk.
And in the year 1513, Juan Ponce de Léon risked his life and set off on a journey
to find the fabled fountain of youth. A spring that was said to provide eternal
life. He never actually found the fountain of youth, but what he found was even
better.
Florida.
And that is real. He went out to find the fountain of youth and he found the fucking
opposite. Florida. That is the opposite of the fountain of youth. Because most people
down there look like an old leather couch. People from Florida, their skin looks like
a black metal band's logo. And there's tons of stories like this throughout
history. Apparently Elizabethan women placed thin slices of raw meat directly on
their face. I'm sure their husbands were pretty stoked on that.
But one of the first anti-aging products ever was released to the public in 1889
and they were called Frownies. These were like little adhesive patches that hold
your skin tight so you don't develop wrinkles. And the origin story of this
product is pretty interesting. So the inventor of Frownies apparently noticed
some frown lines on her daughter and she immediately got to work on a product that
could fix her daughter's wrinkly fucked up face. Gosh I wonder why her daughter was
frowning so much in the first place, you know? Guess we'll never know.
And since the release of Frownies in 1889, the anti-aging world has grown
exponentially. There's anti-aging creams, lotions, pillows, supplements, diets,
procedures, you can pretty much sell anything you want to people if you just
tell them it will make them look younger. That being said, buying tickets to my
shows, and also buying my merch will actually make you look 10 years younger.
It's crazy. It's also not lost on me that like 99% of anti-aging products and
procedures are marketed directly towards women. You know, in this patriarchal
society we live in, cause we do live in a society.
From an early age the pressure and, like, proposed importance of maintaining a
youthful image is absolutely drilled into girls' brains through various forms of
media and marketing. There's this fucked up idea that, like,
women's most valuable asset is their youth which is, number one, incorrect and two,
weird as fuck. It's like when you hear people talk about an older celebrity and
they're like, 'wow she looks so nice for her age!'
And it's like, yeah I don't know if you needed those last three words.
You could just say someone looks good, you know?
It's crazy cause it's kind of the opposite for dudes. We've kind of, like, tricked
the world into thinking that men get more attractive as they age.
And don't get me wrong, that is true for some dudes, but most old guys?
Uhhh? Woof.
If you think dudes get hotter with age, you take a trip down to the fountain of
death. AKA Florida. And you'll see what most old men look like.
But I've never personally felt the, like, societal pressure to hold onto my youth as
a man.
"I'm a man."
But it happens all the time with girls and it's still happening today.
"Here's some things that I do to slow down the aging process as a 14 year old.
I started doing most of these things at 12. Number one, I take two apple cider
vinegar pills, I do this twice a day. Number two, I use a retinol twice a day.
Next is, I love Korean skincare and I do two face masks a day."
Call me crazy but I think a literal child having an anti-aging routine
is a little dystopian. Because it's like you're already young. Why are you doing an
anti-aging video? That's like if you saw a TikTok of Jeff Bezos and he was like,
'This is how I have fun on a budget.'
It's like, dude, you don't need to worry about that, man.
And look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you what procedures not to get or what
products not to use. It's your body, your decision. But I just hope with people who
are doing these anti-aging procedures and stuff, I just hope they're doing it for
the right reason. And again, I'm not smart.
If you want a deep, insightful commentary on this topic, or fucking any topic,
you're at the wrong- you're watching the wrong guy. You got the wrong guy.
But I guess anti-aging, you know, it's not inherently bad, but with every
other fucking thing on this planet, some people are taking it a little too far.
And I thought it'd be interesting to actually try out some of these anti-aging
techniques / products and see if they have any actual effect. But first, we have to
actually find out how to reverse my age. So I think we need to go to the most
reliable place on the internet to find well-documented, peer-reviewed information
on this subject.
Tiktok!
"You're not ugly or old, but your inner dialog might be. If you want the ultimate
glow-up, you won't find it in a bottle, but in the power of positive affirmations"
Ding ding ding! You said the magic word!
"Start speaking and thinking youthful thoughts." Okay...
"Because your thoughts shape your reality"
Positive affirmations, manifesting, that's a classic with this type of shit.
Manifesting was a huge part of the video where I did, where I took a vision healing
masterclass, so I'm pretty familiar with the concept, alright? This ain't my first
rodeo. And hey, if it works for you, that's wicked.
But the thing I'm confused about, she tells people to 'think and speak
youthful thoughts'.
"Start speaking and thinking youthful thoughts."
What, what is that? What even is a youthful thought?
'Woah, he's so deep in thought I wonder what he's thinking about.'
'Just a widdle baby. I make boom boom in my dipey and I miss my mommy. I wuv
Cocomelon so much.'
'Oh my god, what's that smell? Dude, did you shit yourself?'
So this creator actually sells the exact affirmations you need to say on her
website for $10, but I unfortunately can't buy those cause I'm just a little baby
with no money.
So I found a video on YouTube called Age Reversal Affirmations.
"Rekindle your spirit and ignite the passion with these reverse aging
affirmations. Listen or repeat them for at least 21 days in a row."
21 days in a row? What the f- Dude, no sleeping, no eating,
no exercising, no doing any of the things that will, like, keep you healthy
and also maintain a youthful appearance
Fuck all that.
You just sit in your fuckin' affirmations cave for three weeks straight.
Imagine I walk out of my office 21 days later fuckin' sunken in eyes and stuff
you can see my bones
'I've never felt so young!'
Okay, so let's see what these affirmations are.
"I have the spirit of a young." I have the spirit of a young.
"I am glowing." I am glowing.
"My bones and veins are in the best shape" My bones- my bones and veins are in the
best shape. Just my bones and veins though,
everything else sucks.
I can't really tell if these worked or not because I haven't done them for three
weeks straight, but I don't know, I can already feel like I have the spirit of a
young. The comments on this video are really interesting too.
And it's like, cool. Good for these people right? If that's what they wanna look like
Like, personally, why would you wanna look 18 forever? That is a nightmare.
This was me at 18.
If I still looked like this, I would be a Batman villain, dude. I'd be fucking crazy
I'd be so mad all the time. Dude I'd be running around Gotham fuckin'
poppin' zits on people and shit, and I could fly because I'm, like, my-
all my backne is popping so much all the pus coming out, the force of all
my back zits popping just-
Sorry, moving on from that horrifying picture of 18-year-old me
So we know there's a lot of products and procedures that exist out there to slow
the aging process. But even that's not enough for some people.
One man in particular is going to extreme lengths to not just slow the aging process
but reverse it entirely. And his name is Bryan Johnson.
I wish his last name was Griffin. That'd be so savage.
So this Bryan Johnson guy is a Mormon entrepreneur and venture capitalist from
Utah.
I know, pretty crazy, a Mormon from Utah? Now I have seen everything.
And I'm sure some of you have probably seen this guy around the internet talking
about his age reversal endeavours, but the shit he does is pretty fuckin' insane
in my personal opinion.
I watched his full morning routine and it is wild.
"I just woke up-"
I'm not gonna play the whole thing cause it's pretty lengthy, but I'll do a quick
run through.
He stars off his morning by taking his temperature. He then stands in front of a
light that imitates sunlight because he wakes up before the sun rises of course.
He then takes iron and vitamin C, he then weighs himself every morning by the way
and not just his body weight.
"Weight, BMI, fat, muscle, visceral fat, water, bone, heart rate and EBA.
It also gives me the air quality in the area."
Dude, I will go to the greatest lengths to not weigh myself. This guy does it every
morning. Fuckin respect. Because for me, that is fucking torture, dude.
Nah, maybe torture is a strong word. I can imagine a Saw trap that's like
"Stand on the scale, or die."
Bryan then does five minutes of blue light therapy, he then does a meditation,
some weird vibrator thing that he never really explains fully. He puts in eyedrops
and then he prepares his daily pills. And this has gotta be the craziest shit I
have ever seen. Think of how many pills he's gonna have.
It's more than that.
I don't know how many pills are in here, I think last time we recorded it was
something like over 50, maybe 60. That looks like a lot more, I'm not sure
what's going on here."
50 to 60 pills every day? Buddy swallows a fuckin' entire pharmacy every morning dude
That is wild, he's gotta tone it down. I think Bryan's gotta incorporate a couple
of chill pills in there as well because Jesus Christ man.
But Bryan still isn't done. He now puts red light on his head to prevent hair loss
and if red light prevents hair loss, looks like I'm keeping mine forever.
Sometimes when I'm driving, I hit so many red lights.
Then he preps his food for the day.
"This is what I'm gonna eat after we work out. Yeah, overall it's a lot of
vegetables every month. It's over 50 pounds, I think."
I hate to break it to you man, but that's shit from a butt.
"I know people look at it and they say it's green goop and they like to make fun
of it."
Of course I'm gonna make fun of it, dude. That looks like baby shit, what the fuck?
I found out this guy has a son too. That's gotta suck to have this guy as a dad.
'Sorry son, you're grounded.'
'Eat shit, dad.'
'I do.'
He's still not done by the way. He then prepares his second meal of the day which
he calls nutty pudding "Nutty pudding-"
which is like a protein powder that he actually sells on his website.
Maybe it's called that because you gotta be a little nutty if you're gonna be
'pudding' that into your body.
And would you believe me if I told you his morning routine still isn't done?
No it's not!
We're like fuckin' halfway through it dude by the time this morning routine is done
he's gonna have to start his bedtime routine. Because Jesus this is taking all
fuckin' day.
So after making his poop and sand, he does a quick workout and then he finally eats
his breakfast. That honestly seems like so much work compared to my morning routine.
My entire morning routine can be summed up with the first two words of Chop Suey by
System of a Down.
"Wake up-"
That's it man, that's it. I'm awake. And that's the thing, it's wild seeing
morning routines like this because, like, who is this for? I made this point in my
Living Like a Billionaire for a Week video but like 99% of people do not have the
time to do this shit when they wake up. He says in this video that his morning
routine can take up to four hours.
"My morning routine is about three to four hours, it varies on any given day
sometimes I go-" Too long.
This is just not realistic to normal people. But honestly, I don't know why
I'm getting so hung up on this guy, like who even cares what this guy has to say
anyway? He doesn't even have the erection of an 18-year-old.
Uh, yeah. I feel like even a manicurist would say that's the grossest thumbnail
they've ever seen. What the fuck is that. I also found this really interesting video
of Bryan Johnson. He's using yet some other fuckin' crazy contraption to make
himself younger.
"Today I'm going to show you the machine I use that allows me to do the equivalent of
20,000 sit-ups in 30 minutes time. I've set the machine to 100% and 15 so
it's the max level. This is definitely not something you wanns start with
what it feels like is, it's pulling your entire stomach out. Like ripping it out.
Strap it on-"
Imagine he starts the machine and it's just like, 'aaaah! It hurts, it hurts!
Kill me! Just kill me, put me out of my misery, aaaah!'
Exercise complete
Alright, now if you guys want one of these hit the link in my bio.
Also, like a part of his face is like discoloured in this, it's like yellow.
His face is like yellow in this video. I don't know if that's healthy, right?
Is he going through the new experimental Simpsons treatment?
So yeah, this Bryan Johnson guy is like the final boss of anti-aging
but I don't think I'm ready to experience that just yet, I gotta work my way up
right? And I think I found the perfect person.
His name is Brandon Miles May, or @brandonskincare
and he has been getting pretty popular on TikTok recently and here's why.
"I'm 35 and many people ask me if I don't smile or laugh to prevent fine lines and
wrinkles. And it's not true, I do laugh and I do smile. This is how I laugh
without using Botox and for preventing fine lines and wrinkles. Ahaha, ahaha!"
Yeah, so he's obviously doing a bit in this video, but this guy is allegedly 35
years old. For someone who looks that young, I'd assume he would have like a
fucking Jimmy Neutron-sized head because his head's gotta be full of
youthful thoughts.
When I first saw this video, I felt like I was being, like, possessed by a far right
conservative because all I wanted to comment was, 'show me your birth
certificate.' Because I just couldn't fucking believe it, honestly still kinda
don't believe it, but that is the story he's sticking with, so that's great.
He takes this shit pretty serious so, you know what? Sure. He's 35.
This guy is five years older than me.
And Brandon's entire internet persona is based around anti-aging.
He eats food for the sole purpose of anti-aging. Same as his skincare routine.
Even his clothing helps him stay young.
"Anti-aging outfit of the day! Are you ready for this?"
"So today is really warm, so it's pretty basic. I have a UPF 50 hoodie on
right here this is- has the thumb holes for the backs of the hands, but I can also
use this to protect the sides of my face, I have my big sunglasses on to protect
like pretty much half of my face