[TOOLS WHIRRING]
ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to Email Tune-Up,
the video podcast to help you
improve your business writing.
PROFESSOR: Now, here,
we have a short email
from Jenny, who is responsible
for her company's IT services.
She's written this email to give
her colleagues some bad news.
The office email server
will be down later today
because of some
technical problems.
When a server goes
down, it means
that it has been taken offline
or down for maintenance
or because of a problem.
Before we look at the mechanics,
style, and tone of this message,
let's talk a little
bit about the best way
to deliver bad news in an email.
When you're writing to
someone outside your company,
it's a good idea to
use an indirect style,
although you should also make
sure your reader understands
and accepts the bad news.
But in this case, Jenny is
writing to her own colleagues.
For this internal
bad news message,
it's best to use a
more direct style
since the company wants to
deal with problems efficiently.
At the same time, she
needs to be polite
and to show understanding
for her colleagues
receiving the bad news.
Regardless of which
method you use,
you should always try
to buffer or sandwich
bad news with some neutral
material before and after.
All right, let's start with
the mechanics of this email.
As you can see, we
have a subject line--
Server Restart Inform.
Let's first correct the
grammar in this line.
We can't use inform
as a noun in this way.
So we'd better change it
to something like "notice."
And since we don't have
an opening salutation,
we can add something
neutral and professional,
like "Dear Colleagues."
Now, when we look at
the body of the email,
the first thing we notice
is that the entire message
is just one sentence long.
And it's a run-on sentence.
That is, it's really
several separate sentences
that have been incorrectly
strung together with commas.
Let's start by replacing all
these commas with periods
so that the sentences
stand on their own.
And we'll need to
capitalize the first word
in each of these new sentences.
Now that we've broken
the sentences apart,
let's go through them
one by one and make sure
the grammar is correct.
In the first sentence, Jenny
writes that the company will
have to restart the server from
17:15 PM to 18:00 PM today.
Since Jenny is using
24-hour time here,
she doesn't need PM
after 17:15 or 18:00.
This sentence also has
a subordinate clause--
"because of the backup tape
equipment has some problems."
Here, we need to change
"because of" to "because."
Remember that "because of"
is always followed by a noun
or a noun phrase.
But what we have here
is a complete sentence,
"the backup tape equipment
has some problems,"
which takes "because" by itself.
We can also see that
this last sentence,
"Any questions please call 588,"
is actually a sentence fragment.
We'd better turn it into a
complete sentence by making
the first part into a clause,
"If you have any questions,"
and then setting it
off with a comma.
And finally, we should think
about structuring the email
into separate paragraphs.
I think the best way to do this
is to begin a new paragraph with
"Sorry for the inconvenience."
This gives us two paragraphs
with separate ideas, one
that explains what's
happening and one
that apologizes
to Jenny's readers
and gives them an opportunity
to ask for more information.
Now, let's move on to
the style of this email.
When you're writing a
message to deliver bad news,
one good strategy is to
buffer the news, that is,
to put some neutral material
at the beginning and the end
of the email and also
at the beginning and end
of each paragraph
containing bad news.
This makes the
delivery less abrupt
and helps avoid giving
a negative impression
to the reader.
As you can see, Jenny
hasn't followed this rule.
She goes straight
to the bad news.
We will restart our mail server.
And only afterwards does she
explain the reason for the news.
Let's rearrange this paragraph
to put the explanation first
so the readers understand why
they are being inconvenienced.
We can begin by
saying something like,
"We have discovered that
the backup tape equipment
for our mail server
has some problems."
And then cut out the second
clause of the original sentence.
This puts the bad news
in the second sentence
of the paragraph.
But we should
probably add a clause
that explains the connection
between the equipment
problem and the server restart.
Let's start by saying, "For
this reason, we will restart."
And we can just
say, "the server"
in this sentence since we've
identified the system already.
The last sentence
in this paragraph
gives the reader some
additional bad news.
Jenny is telling
them that the company
may lose its email connection
for a long time this afternoon.
But since we know that the
repairs should be finished
by 18:00, we can rephrase
this news in a positive way.
Where Jenny writes "from
17:15 to 18:00," let's say,
"beginning at 17:15 today" and
end the second sentence there.
This gives us the chance
to end the paragraph
on a positive note.
Instead of saying, "We expect to
restart the server many times,"
the final sentence can say,
"We expect the server to be
available again after 18:00."
When an email has
to deliver bad news,
it's also helpful
to emphasize how
readers can benefit
by cooperating
or by accepting the situation.
So let's have Jenny
add a new sentence
in a separate
paragraph, explaining
why this temporary
interruption of service
will make things easier for
her colleagues in the long run.
She can say, "These repairs
to the server will make
your Internet and email
connections more reliable
in the future."
In the next paragraph,
Jenny is right to use
apologetic phrasing,
since this ends the email
in a less negative way.
But we should make some
changes to her language
so it sounds less abrupt.
A sentence beginning with
"Sorry" sounds very informal,
which probably isn't a good idea
if she wants to show sympathy
for her colleagues.
Let's change it to "We apologize
for the inconvenience."
And we don't really need
this final "to you."
And we can change "call 588"
to "call me on extension 588,"
again, making the sentence less
abrupt and more informative
and emphasizing that Jenny is
personally involved in solving
this problem.
And finally, let's review
the email for tone.
The first and second
paragraphs have a neutral tone,
which is appropriate
for delivering
bad news in an internal memo.
But in the third paragraph,
we should add some language
to make Jenny's apology
sound more sincere
by expressing concern for
the needs of her colleagues.
Jenny wants to make
her readers feel
welcome to ask for more
information about the server
problem.
So let's begin by
adding "or concerns"
to this final sentence.
So it becomes
"questions or concerns."
And we can change "please call"
to "please feel free to call,"
again, to create a
more welcoming tone.
Finally, we should
add a closing sentence
to show appreciation for
the reader's problems
and their willingness to
cooperate in solving them.
Let's write something like
"Thank you for your patience
and understanding."
This sentence, "We apologize
for the inconvenience,"
may not really be necessary.
Some of you may feel it makes
the email too apologetic.
So I think we can let our
listeners decide for themselves.
Does Jenny need
this apology or not?
Now, let's take one
final look at this email.
Jenny has taken a problem that
might cause a lot of annoyance
to her readers, and
she's explained it
in a way that's direct,
professional, and sympathetic.
She's making the best of
a bad situation, which
is a very important skill
in any business setting.
So let's hit the Send button
and get this message out
to Jenny's colleagues.