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[TOOLS WHIRRING]

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ANNOUNCER: Welcome[br]to Email Tune-Up,

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the video podcast to help you[br]improve your business writing.

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PROFESSOR: Now, here,[br]we have a short email

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from Jenny, who is responsible[br]for her company's IT services.

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She's written this email to give[br]her colleagues some bad news.

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The office email server[br]will be down later today

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because of some[br]technical problems.

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When a server goes[br]down, it means

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that it has been taken offline[br]or down for maintenance

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or because of a problem.

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Before we look at the mechanics,[br]style, and tone of this message,

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let's talk a little[br]bit about the best way

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to deliver bad news in an email.

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When you're writing to[br]someone outside your company,

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it's a good idea to[br]use an indirect style,

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although you should also make[br]sure your reader understands

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and accepts the bad news.

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But in this case, Jenny is[br]writing to her own colleagues.

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For this internal[br]bad news message,

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it's best to use a[br]more direct style

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since the company wants to[br]deal with problems efficiently.

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At the same time, she[br]needs to be polite

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and to show understanding[br]for her colleagues

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receiving the bad news.

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Regardless of which[br]method you use,

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you should always try[br]to buffer or sandwich

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bad news with some neutral[br]material before and after.

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All right, let's start with[br]the mechanics of this email.

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As you can see, we[br]have a subject line--

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Server Restart Inform.

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Let's first correct the[br]grammar in this line.

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We can't use inform[br]as a noun in this way.

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So we'd better change it[br]to something like "notice."

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And since we don't have[br]an opening salutation,

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we can add something[br]neutral and professional,

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like "Dear Colleagues."

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Now, when we look at[br]the body of the email,

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the first thing we notice[br]is that the entire message

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is just one sentence long.

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And it's a run-on sentence.

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That is, it's really[br]several separate sentences

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that have been incorrectly[br]strung together with commas.

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Let's start by replacing all[br]these commas with periods

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so that the sentences[br]stand on their own.

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And we'll need to[br]capitalize the first word

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in each of these new sentences.

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Now that we've broken[br]the sentences apart,

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let's go through them[br]one by one and make sure

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the grammar is correct.

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In the first sentence, Jenny[br]writes that the company will

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have to restart the server from[br]17:15 PM to 18:00 PM today.

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Since Jenny is using[br]24-hour time here,

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she doesn't need PM[br]after 17:15 or 18:00.

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This sentence also has[br]a subordinate clause--

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"because of the backup tape[br]equipment has some problems."

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Here, we need to change[br]"because of" to "because."

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Remember that "because of"[br]is always followed by a noun

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or a noun phrase.

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But what we have here[br]is a complete sentence,

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"the backup tape equipment[br]has some problems,"

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which takes "because" by itself.

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We can also see that[br]this last sentence,

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"Any questions please call 588,"[br]is actually a sentence fragment.

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We'd better turn it into a[br]complete sentence by making

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the first part into a clause,[br]"If you have any questions,"

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and then setting it[br]off with a comma.

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And finally, we should think[br]about structuring the email

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into separate paragraphs.

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I think the best way to do this[br]is to begin a new paragraph with

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"Sorry for the inconvenience."

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This gives us two paragraphs[br]with separate ideas, one

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that explains what's[br]happening and one

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that apologizes[br]to Jenny's readers

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and gives them an opportunity[br]to ask for more information.

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Now, let's move on to[br]the style of this email.

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When you're writing a[br]message to deliver bad news,

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one good strategy is to[br]buffer the news, that is,

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to put some neutral material[br]at the beginning and the end

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of the email and also[br]at the beginning and end

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of each paragraph[br]containing bad news.

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This makes the[br]delivery less abrupt

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and helps avoid giving[br]a negative impression

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to the reader.

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As you can see, Jenny[br]hasn't followed this rule.

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She goes straight[br]to the bad news.

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We will restart our mail server.

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And only afterwards does she[br]explain the reason for the news.

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Let's rearrange this paragraph[br]to put the explanation first

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so the readers understand why[br]they are being inconvenienced.

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We can begin by[br]saying something like,

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"We have discovered that[br]the backup tape equipment

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for our mail server[br]has some problems."

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And then cut out the second[br]clause of the original sentence.

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This puts the bad news[br]in the second sentence

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of the paragraph.

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But we should[br]probably add a clause

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that explains the connection[br]between the equipment

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problem and the server restart.

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Let's start by saying, "For[br]this reason, we will restart."

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And we can just[br]say, "the server"

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in this sentence since we've[br]identified the system already.

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The last sentence[br]in this paragraph

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gives the reader some[br]additional bad news.

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Jenny is telling[br]them that the company

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may lose its email connection[br]for a long time this afternoon.

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But since we know that the[br]repairs should be finished

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by 18:00, we can rephrase[br]this news in a positive way.

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Where Jenny writes "from[br]17:15 to 18:00," let's say,

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"beginning at 17:15 today" and[br]end the second sentence there.

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This gives us the chance[br]to end the paragraph

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on a positive note.

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Instead of saying, "We expect to[br]restart the server many times,"

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the final sentence can say,[br]"We expect the server to be

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available again after 18:00."

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When an email has[br]to deliver bad news,

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it's also helpful[br]to emphasize how

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readers can benefit[br]by cooperating

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or by accepting the situation.

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So let's have Jenny[br]add a new sentence

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in a separate[br]paragraph, explaining

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why this temporary[br]interruption of service

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will make things easier for[br]her colleagues in the long run.

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She can say, "These repairs[br]to the server will make

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your Internet and email[br]connections more reliable

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in the future."

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In the next paragraph,[br]Jenny is right to use

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apologetic phrasing,[br]since this ends the email

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in a less negative way.

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But we should make some[br]changes to her language

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so it sounds less abrupt.

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A sentence beginning with[br]"Sorry" sounds very informal,

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which probably isn't a good idea[br]if she wants to show sympathy

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for her colleagues.

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Let's change it to "We apologize[br]for the inconvenience."

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And we don't really need[br]this final "to you."

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And we can change "call 588"[br]to "call me on extension 588,"

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again, making the sentence less[br]abrupt and more informative

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and emphasizing that Jenny is[br]personally involved in solving

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this problem.

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And finally, let's review[br]the email for tone.

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The first and second[br]paragraphs have a neutral tone,

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which is appropriate[br]for delivering

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bad news in an internal memo.

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But in the third paragraph,[br]we should add some language

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to make Jenny's apology[br]sound more sincere

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by expressing concern for[br]the needs of her colleagues.

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Jenny wants to make[br]her readers feel

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welcome to ask for more[br]information about the server

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problem.

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So let's begin by[br]adding "or concerns"

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to this final sentence.

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So it becomes[br]"questions or concerns."

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And we can change "please call"[br]to "please feel free to call,"

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again, to create a[br]more welcoming tone.

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Finally, we should[br]add a closing sentence

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to show appreciation for[br]the reader's problems

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and their willingness to[br]cooperate in solving them.

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Let's write something like[br]"Thank you for your patience

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and understanding."

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This sentence, "We apologize[br]for the inconvenience,"

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may not really be necessary.

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Some of you may feel it makes[br]the email too apologetic.

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So I think we can let our[br]listeners decide for themselves.

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Does Jenny need[br]this apology or not?

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Now, let's take one[br]final look at this email.

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Jenny has taken a problem that[br]might cause a lot of annoyance

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to her readers, and[br]she's explained it

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in a way that's direct,[br]professional, and sympathetic.

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She's making the best of[br]a bad situation, which

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is a very important skill[br]in any business setting.

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So let's hit the Send button[br]and get this message out

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to Jenny's colleagues.

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