1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,946


2
00:00:00,946 --> 00:00:02,838
[TOOLS WHIRRING]

3
00:00:02,838 --> 00:00:04,730


4
00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,370
ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to Email Tune-Up,

5
00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:11,290
the video podcast to help you
improve your business writing.

6
00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:15,808


7
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,600
PROFESSOR: Now, here,
we have a short email

8
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:22,550
from Jenny, who is responsible
for her company's IT services.

9
00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:25,950
She's written this email to give
her colleagues some bad news.

10
00:00:25,950 --> 00:00:29,120
The office email server
will be down later today

11
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,820
because of some
technical problems.

12
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:33,950
When a server goes
down, it means

13
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:37,940
that it has been taken offline
or down for maintenance

14
00:00:37,940 --> 00:00:40,220
or because of a problem.

15
00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:44,280
Before we look at the mechanics,
style, and tone of this message,

16
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,070
let's talk a little
bit about the best way

17
00:00:46,070 --> 00:00:49,310
to deliver bad news in an email.

18
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:51,960
When you're writing to
someone outside your company,

19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,840
it's a good idea to
use an indirect style,

20
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,770
although you should also make
sure your reader understands

21
00:00:57,770 --> 00:01:00,510
and accepts the bad news.

22
00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:04,530
But in this case, Jenny is
writing to her own colleagues.

23
00:01:04,530 --> 00:01:06,850
For this internal
bad news message,

24
00:01:06,850 --> 00:01:09,270
it's best to use a
more direct style

25
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:13,080
since the company wants to
deal with problems efficiently.

26
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,570
At the same time, she
needs to be polite

27
00:01:15,570 --> 00:01:18,420
and to show understanding
for her colleagues

28
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,460
receiving the bad news.

29
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,780
Regardless of which
method you use,

30
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:25,620
you should always try
to buffer or sandwich

31
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:31,320
bad news with some neutral
material before and after.

32
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:35,130
All right, let's start with
the mechanics of this email.

33
00:01:35,130 --> 00:01:38,310
As you can see, we
have a subject line--

34
00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:41,700
Server Restart Inform.

35
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,460
Let's first correct the
grammar in this line.

36
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:47,880
We can't use inform
as a noun in this way.

37
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,633
So we'd better change it
to something like "notice."

38
00:01:50,633 --> 00:01:53,970


39
00:01:53,970 --> 00:01:56,440
And since we don't have
an opening salutation,

40
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,120
we can add something
neutral and professional,

41
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,086
like "Dear Colleagues."

42
00:02:02,086 --> 00:02:05,330


43
00:02:05,330 --> 00:02:07,620
Now, when we look at
the body of the email,

44
00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:10,400
the first thing we notice
is that the entire message

45
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,640
is just one sentence long.

46
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,360
And it's a run-on sentence.

47
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,140
That is, it's really
several separate sentences

48
00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:21,130
that have been incorrectly
strung together with commas.

49
00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:24,080


50
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,270
Let's start by replacing all
these commas with periods

51
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:29,350
so that the sentences
stand on their own.

52
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:32,810


53
00:02:32,810 --> 00:02:35,570
And we'll need to
capitalize the first word

54
00:02:35,570 --> 00:02:37,476
in each of these new sentences.

55
00:02:37,476 --> 00:02:41,690


56
00:02:41,690 --> 00:02:44,810
Now that we've broken
the sentences apart,

57
00:02:44,810 --> 00:02:47,000
let's go through them
one by one and make sure

58
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,490
the grammar is correct.

59
00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:52,370
In the first sentence, Jenny
writes that the company will

60
00:02:52,370 --> 00:02:59,250
have to restart the server from
17:15 PM to 18:00 PM today.

61
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:02,590
Since Jenny is using
24-hour time here,

62
00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:08,100
she doesn't need PM
after 17:15 or 18:00.

63
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,800
This sentence also has
a subordinate clause--

64
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,370
"because of the backup tape
equipment has some problems."

65
00:03:14,370 --> 00:03:18,790
Here, we need to change
"because of" to "because."

66
00:03:18,790 --> 00:03:22,320
Remember that "because of"
is always followed by a noun

67
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,300
or a noun phrase.

68
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,650
But what we have here
is a complete sentence,

69
00:03:26,650 --> 00:03:29,560
"the backup tape equipment
has some problems,"

70
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,000
which takes "because" by itself.

71
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,290
We can also see that
this last sentence,

72
00:03:35,290 --> 00:03:40,590
"Any questions please call 588,"
is actually a sentence fragment.

73
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:43,080
We'd better turn it into a
complete sentence by making

74
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:48,180
the first part into a clause,
"If you have any questions,"

75
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:51,570
and then setting it
off with a comma.

76
00:03:51,570 --> 00:03:54,480
And finally, we should think
about structuring the email

77
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,030
into separate paragraphs.

78
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:01,970
I think the best way to do this
is to begin a new paragraph with

79
00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:04,360
"Sorry for the inconvenience."

80
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,840
This gives us two paragraphs
with separate ideas, one

81
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,120
that explains what's
happening and one

82
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,160
that apologizes
to Jenny's readers

83
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:17,170
and gives them an opportunity
to ask for more information.

84
00:04:17,170 --> 00:04:22,000
Now, let's move on to
the style of this email.

85
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,920
When you're writing a
message to deliver bad news,

86
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:29,090
one good strategy is to
buffer the news, that is,

87
00:04:29,090 --> 00:04:32,560
to put some neutral material
at the beginning and the end

88
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,890
of the email and also
at the beginning and end

89
00:04:35,890 --> 00:04:39,550
of each paragraph
containing bad news.

90
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:41,770
This makes the
delivery less abrupt

91
00:04:41,770 --> 00:04:44,110
and helps avoid giving
a negative impression

92
00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:46,360
to the reader.

93
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,370
As you can see, Jenny
hasn't followed this rule.

94
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:51,380
She goes straight
to the bad news.

95
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:54,070
We will restart our mail server.

96
00:04:54,070 --> 00:04:58,760
And only afterwards does she
explain the reason for the news.

97
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:02,360
Let's rearrange this paragraph
to put the explanation first

98
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:07,280
so the readers understand why
they are being inconvenienced.

99
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,520
We can begin by
saying something like,

100
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:22,580
"We have discovered that
the backup tape equipment

101
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:29,666
for our mail server
has some problems."

102
00:05:29,666 --> 00:05:32,660


103
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:37,910
And then cut out the second
clause of the original sentence.

104
00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:40,310
This puts the bad news
in the second sentence

105
00:05:40,310 --> 00:05:43,070
of the paragraph.

106
00:05:43,070 --> 00:05:44,870
But we should
probably add a clause

107
00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:47,360
that explains the connection
between the equipment

108
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,345
problem and the server restart.

109
00:05:49,345 --> 00:05:52,250


110
00:05:52,250 --> 00:06:02,020
Let's start by saying, "For
this reason, we will restart."

111
00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:04,630


112
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:07,420
And we can just
say, "the server"

113
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:11,025
in this sentence since we've
identified the system already.

114
00:06:11,025 --> 00:06:14,050


115
00:06:14,050 --> 00:06:15,850
The last sentence
in this paragraph

116
00:06:15,850 --> 00:06:18,670
gives the reader some
additional bad news.

117
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,290
Jenny is telling
them that the company

118
00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:24,382
may lose its email connection
for a long time this afternoon.

119
00:06:24,382 --> 00:06:26,590
But since we know that the
repairs should be finished

120
00:06:26,590 --> 00:06:32,350
by 18:00, we can rephrase
this news in a positive way.

121
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:38,110
Where Jenny writes "from
17:15 to 18:00," let's say,

122
00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:45,490
"beginning at 17:15 today" and
end the second sentence there.

123
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:47,800
This gives us the chance
to end the paragraph

124
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,870
on a positive note.

125
00:06:49,870 --> 00:06:54,380
Instead of saying, "We expect to
restart the server many times,"

126
00:06:54,380 --> 00:07:02,870
the final sentence can say,
"We expect the server to be

127
00:07:02,870 --> 00:07:08,630
available again after 18:00."

128
00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:11,660
When an email has
to deliver bad news,

129
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,940
it's also helpful
to emphasize how

130
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:16,670
readers can benefit
by cooperating

131
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:19,670
or by accepting the situation.

132
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:21,650
So let's have Jenny
add a new sentence

133
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,260
in a separate
paragraph, explaining

134
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:26,630
why this temporary
interruption of service

135
00:07:26,630 --> 00:07:30,950
will make things easier for
her colleagues in the long run.

136
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:40,430
She can say, "These repairs
to the server will make

137
00:07:40,430 --> 00:07:51,650
your Internet and email
connections more reliable

138
00:07:51,650 --> 00:07:52,400
in the future."

139
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,170


140
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:58,080
In the next paragraph,
Jenny is right to use

141
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,780
apologetic phrasing,
since this ends the email

142
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,910
in a less negative way.

143
00:08:02,910 --> 00:08:05,530
But we should make some
changes to her language

144
00:08:05,530 --> 00:08:07,950
so it sounds less abrupt.

145
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:11,800
A sentence beginning with
"Sorry" sounds very informal,

146
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,450
which probably isn't a good idea
if she wants to show sympathy

147
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,220
for her colleagues.

148
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:23,820
Let's change it to "We apologize
for the inconvenience."

149
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:28,440
And we don't really need
this final "to you."

150
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:36,059
And we can change "call 588"
to "call me on extension 588,"

151
00:08:36,059 --> 00:08:40,110
again, making the sentence less
abrupt and more informative

152
00:08:40,110 --> 00:08:43,860
and emphasizing that Jenny is
personally involved in solving

153
00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:45,900
this problem.

154
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:51,250
And finally, let's review
the email for tone.

155
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:54,410
The first and second
paragraphs have a neutral tone,

156
00:08:54,410 --> 00:08:56,140
which is appropriate
for delivering

157
00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,900
bad news in an internal memo.

158
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,960
But in the third paragraph,
we should add some language

159
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,410
to make Jenny's apology
sound more sincere

160
00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:10,210
by expressing concern for
the needs of her colleagues.

161
00:09:10,210 --> 00:09:11,860
Jenny wants to make
her readers feel

162
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:14,590
welcome to ask for more
information about the server

163
00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:16,000
problem.

164
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,480
So let's begin by
adding "or concerns"

165
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,650
to this final sentence.

166
00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:26,770
So it becomes
"questions or concerns."

167
00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:32,080
And we can change "please call"
to "please feel free to call,"

168
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,460
again, to create a
more welcoming tone.

169
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:38,710
Finally, we should
add a closing sentence

170
00:09:38,710 --> 00:09:41,440
to show appreciation for
the reader's problems

171
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,340
and their willingness to
cooperate in solving them.

172
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:53,730
Let's write something like
"Thank you for your patience

173
00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:56,106
and understanding."

174
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:58,650


175
00:09:58,650 --> 00:10:03,720
This sentence, "We apologize
for the inconvenience,"

176
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,240
may not really be necessary.

177
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,710
Some of you may feel it makes
the email too apologetic.

178
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:13,570
So I think we can let our
listeners decide for themselves.

179
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:17,340
Does Jenny need
this apology or not?

180
00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:20,730
Now, let's take one
final look at this email.

181
00:10:20,730 --> 00:10:23,820
Jenny has taken a problem that
might cause a lot of annoyance

182
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:26,220
to her readers, and
she's explained it

183
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:31,170
in a way that's direct,
professional, and sympathetic.

184
00:10:31,170 --> 00:10:34,050
She's making the best of
a bad situation, which

185
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:38,130
is a very important skill
in any business setting.

186
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:40,500
So let's hit the Send button
and get this message out

187
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,100
to Jenny's colleagues.

188
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:50,000