[TOOLS WHIRRING]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to Email Tune-Up,

the video podcast to help you
improve your business writing.

PROFESSOR: Now, here,
we have a short email

from Jenny, who is responsible
for her company's IT services.

She's written this email to give
her colleagues some bad news.

The office email server
will be down later today

because of some
technical problems.

When a server goes
down, it means

that it has been taken offline
or down for maintenance

or because of a problem.

Before we look at the mechanics,
style, and tone of this message,

let's talk a little
bit about the best way

to deliver bad news in an email.

When you're writing to
someone outside your company,

it's a good idea to
use an indirect style,

although you should also make
sure your reader understands

and accepts the bad news.

But in this case, Jenny is
writing to her own colleagues.

For this internal
bad news message,

it's best to use a
more direct style

since the company wants to
deal with problems efficiently.

At the same time, she
needs to be polite

and to show understanding
for her colleagues

receiving the bad news.

Regardless of which
method you use,

you should always try
to buffer or sandwich

bad news with some neutral
material before and after.

All right, let's start with
the mechanics of this email.

As you can see, we
have a subject line--

Server Restart Inform.

Let's first correct the
grammar in this line.

We can't use inform
as a noun in this way.

So we'd better change it
to something like "notice."

And since we don't have
an opening salutation,

we can add something
neutral and professional,

like "Dear Colleagues."

Now, when we look at
the body of the email,

the first thing we notice
is that the entire message

is just one sentence long.

And it's a run-on sentence.

That is, it's really
several separate sentences

that have been incorrectly
strung together with commas.

Let's start by replacing all
these commas with periods

so that the sentences
stand on their own.

And we'll need to
capitalize the first word

in each of these new sentences.

Now that we've broken
the sentences apart,

let's go through them
one by one and make sure

the grammar is correct.

In the first sentence, Jenny
writes that the company will

have to restart the server from
17:15 PM to 18:00 PM today.

Since Jenny is using
24-hour time here,

she doesn't need PM
after 17:15 or 18:00.

This sentence also has
a subordinate clause--

"because of the backup tape
equipment has some problems."

Here, we need to change
"because of" to "because."

Remember that "because of"
is always followed by a noun

or a noun phrase.

But what we have here
is a complete sentence,

"the backup tape equipment
has some problems,"

which takes "because" by itself.

We can also see that
this last sentence,

"Any questions please call 588,"
is actually a sentence fragment.

We'd better turn it into a
complete sentence by making

the first part into a clause,
"If you have any questions,"

and then setting it
off with a comma.

And finally, we should think
about structuring the email

into separate paragraphs.

I think the best way to do this
is to begin a new paragraph with

"Sorry for the inconvenience."

This gives us two paragraphs
with separate ideas, one

that explains what's
happening and one

that apologizes
to Jenny's readers

and gives them an opportunity
to ask for more information.

Now, let's move on to
the style of this email.

When you're writing a
message to deliver bad news,

one good strategy is to
buffer the news, that is,

to put some neutral material
at the beginning and the end

of the email and also
at the beginning and end

of each paragraph
containing bad news.

This makes the
delivery less abrupt

and helps avoid giving
a negative impression

to the reader.

As you can see, Jenny
hasn't followed this rule.

She goes straight
to the bad news.

We will restart our mail server.

And only afterwards does she
explain the reason for the news.

Let's rearrange this paragraph
to put the explanation first

so the readers understand why
they are being inconvenienced.

We can begin by
saying something like,

"We have discovered that
the backup tape equipment

for our mail server
has some problems."

And then cut out the second
clause of the original sentence.

This puts the bad news
in the second sentence

of the paragraph.

But we should
probably add a clause

that explains the connection
between the equipment

problem and the server restart.

Let's start by saying, "For
this reason, we will restart."

And we can just
say, "the server"

in this sentence since we've
identified the system already.

The last sentence
in this paragraph

gives the reader some
additional bad news.

Jenny is telling
them that the company

may lose its email connection
for a long time this afternoon.

But since we know that the
repairs should be finished

by 18:00, we can rephrase
this news in a positive way.

Where Jenny writes "from
17:15 to 18:00," let's say,

"beginning at 17:15 today" and
end the second sentence there.

This gives us the chance
to end the paragraph

on a positive note.

Instead of saying, "We expect to
restart the server many times,"

the final sentence can say,
"We expect the server to be

available again after 18:00."

When an email has
to deliver bad news,

it's also helpful
to emphasize how

readers can benefit
by cooperating

or by accepting the situation.

So let's have Jenny
add a new sentence

in a separate
paragraph, explaining

why this temporary
interruption of service

will make things easier for
her colleagues in the long run.

She can say, "These repairs
to the server will make

your Internet and email
connections more reliable

in the future."

In the next paragraph,
Jenny is right to use

apologetic phrasing,
since this ends the email

in a less negative way.

But we should make some
changes to her language

so it sounds less abrupt.

A sentence beginning with
"Sorry" sounds very informal,

which probably isn't a good idea
if she wants to show sympathy

for her colleagues.

Let's change it to "We apologize
for the inconvenience."

And we don't really need
this final "to you."

And we can change "call 588"
to "call me on extension 588,"

again, making the sentence less
abrupt and more informative

and emphasizing that Jenny is
personally involved in solving

this problem.

And finally, let's review
the email for tone.

The first and second
paragraphs have a neutral tone,

which is appropriate
for delivering

bad news in an internal memo.

But in the third paragraph,
we should add some language

to make Jenny's apology
sound more sincere

by expressing concern for
the needs of her colleagues.

Jenny wants to make
her readers feel

welcome to ask for more
information about the server

problem.

So let's begin by
adding "or concerns"

to this final sentence.

So it becomes
"questions or concerns."

And we can change "please call"
to "please feel free to call,"

again, to create a
more welcoming tone.

Finally, we should
add a closing sentence

to show appreciation for
the reader's problems

and their willingness to
cooperate in solving them.

Let's write something like
"Thank you for your patience

and understanding."

This sentence, "We apologize
for the inconvenience,"

may not really be necessary.

Some of you may feel it makes
the email too apologetic.

So I think we can let our
listeners decide for themselves.

Does Jenny need
this apology or not?

Now, let's take one
final look at this email.

Jenny has taken a problem that
might cause a lot of annoyance

to her readers, and
she's explained it

in a way that's direct,
professional, and sympathetic.

She's making the best of
a bad situation, which

is a very important skill
in any business setting.

So let's hit the Send button
and get this message out

to Jenny's colleagues.