WEBVTT

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[TOOLS WHIRRING]

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ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to Email Tune-Up,

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the video podcast to help you
improve your business writing.

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PROFESSOR: Now, here,
we have a short email

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from Jenny, who is responsible
for her company's IT services.

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She's written this email to give
her colleagues some bad news.

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The office email server
will be down later today

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because of some
technical problems.

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When a server goes
down, it means

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that it has been taken offline
or down for maintenance

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or because of a problem.

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Before we look at the mechanics,
style, and tone of this message,

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let's talk a little
bit about the best way

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to deliver bad news in an email.

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When you're writing to
someone outside your company,

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it's a good idea to
use an indirect style,

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although you should also make
sure your reader understands

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and accepts the bad news.

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But in this case, Jenny is
writing to her own colleagues.

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For this internal
bad news message,

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it's best to use a
more direct style

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since the company wants to
deal with problems efficiently.

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At the same time, she
needs to be polite

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and to show understanding
for her colleagues

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receiving the bad news.

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Regardless of which
method you use,

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you should always try
to buffer or sandwich

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bad news with some neutral
material before and after.

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All right, let's start with
the mechanics of this email.

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As you can see, we
have a subject line--

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Server Restart Inform.

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Let's first correct the
grammar in this line.

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We can't use inform
as a noun in this way.

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So we'd better change it
to something like "notice."

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And since we don't have
an opening salutation,

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we can add something
neutral and professional,

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like "Dear Colleagues."

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Now, when we look at
the body of the email,

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the first thing we notice
is that the entire message

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is just one sentence long.

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And it's a run-on sentence.

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That is, it's really
several separate sentences

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that have been incorrectly
strung together with commas.

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Let's start by replacing all
these commas with periods

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so that the sentences
stand on their own.

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And we'll need to
capitalize the first word

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in each of these new sentences.

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Now that we've broken
the sentences apart,

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let's go through them
one by one and make sure

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the grammar is correct.

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In the first sentence, Jenny
writes that the company will

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have to restart the server from
17:15 PM to 18:00 PM today.

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Since Jenny is using
24-hour time here,

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she doesn't need PM
after 17:15 or 18:00.

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This sentence also has
a subordinate clause--

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"because of the backup tape
equipment has some problems."

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Here, we need to change
"because of" to "because."

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Remember that "because of"
is always followed by a noun

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or a noun phrase.

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But what we have here
is a complete sentence,

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"the backup tape equipment
has some problems,"

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which takes "because" by itself.

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We can also see that
this last sentence,

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"Any questions please call 588,"
is actually a sentence fragment.

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We'd better turn it into a
complete sentence by making

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the first part into a clause,
"If you have any questions,"

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and then setting it
off with a comma.

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And finally, we should think
about structuring the email

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into separate paragraphs.

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I think the best way to do this
is to begin a new paragraph with

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"Sorry for the inconvenience."

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This gives us two paragraphs
with separate ideas, one

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that explains what's
happening and one

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that apologizes
to Jenny's readers

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and gives them an opportunity
to ask for more information.

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Now, let's move on to
the style of this email.

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When you're writing a
message to deliver bad news,

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one good strategy is to
buffer the news, that is,

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to put some neutral material
at the beginning and the end

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of the email and also
at the beginning and end

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of each paragraph
containing bad news.

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This makes the
delivery less abrupt

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and helps avoid giving
a negative impression

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to the reader.

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As you can see, Jenny
hasn't followed this rule.

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She goes straight
to the bad news.

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We will restart our mail server.

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And only afterwards does she
explain the reason for the news.

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Let's rearrange this paragraph
to put the explanation first

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so the readers understand why
they are being inconvenienced.

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We can begin by
saying something like,

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"We have discovered that
the backup tape equipment

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for our mail server
has some problems."

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And then cut out the second
clause of the original sentence.

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This puts the bad news
in the second sentence

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of the paragraph.

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But we should
probably add a clause

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that explains the connection
between the equipment

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problem and the server restart.

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Let's start by saying, "For
this reason, we will restart."

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And we can just
say, "the server"

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in this sentence since we've
identified the system already.

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The last sentence
in this paragraph

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gives the reader some
additional bad news.

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Jenny is telling
them that the company

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may lose its email connection
for a long time this afternoon.

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But since we know that the
repairs should be finished

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by 18:00, we can rephrase
this news in a positive way.

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Where Jenny writes "from
17:15 to 18:00," let's say,

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"beginning at 17:15 today" and
end the second sentence there.

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This gives us the chance
to end the paragraph

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on a positive note.

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Instead of saying, "We expect to
restart the server many times,"

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the final sentence can say,
"We expect the server to be

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available again after 18:00."

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When an email has
to deliver bad news,

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it's also helpful
to emphasize how

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readers can benefit
by cooperating

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or by accepting the situation.

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So let's have Jenny
add a new sentence

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in a separate
paragraph, explaining

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why this temporary
interruption of service

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will make things easier for
her colleagues in the long run.

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She can say, "These repairs
to the server will make

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your Internet and email
connections more reliable

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in the future."

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In the next paragraph,
Jenny is right to use

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apologetic phrasing,
since this ends the email

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in a less negative way.

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But we should make some
changes to her language

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so it sounds less abrupt.

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A sentence beginning with
"Sorry" sounds very informal,

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which probably isn't a good idea
if she wants to show sympathy

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for her colleagues.

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Let's change it to "We apologize
for the inconvenience."

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And we don't really need
this final "to you."

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And we can change "call 588"
to "call me on extension 588,"

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again, making the sentence less
abrupt and more informative

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and emphasizing that Jenny is
personally involved in solving

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this problem.

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And finally, let's review
the email for tone.

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The first and second
paragraphs have a neutral tone,

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which is appropriate
for delivering

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bad news in an internal memo.

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But in the third paragraph,
we should add some language

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to make Jenny's apology
sound more sincere

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by expressing concern for
the needs of her colleagues.

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Jenny wants to make
her readers feel

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welcome to ask for more
information about the server

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problem.

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So let's begin by
adding "or concerns"

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to this final sentence.

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So it becomes
"questions or concerns."

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And we can change "please call"
to "please feel free to call,"

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again, to create a
more welcoming tone.

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Finally, we should
add a closing sentence

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to show appreciation for
the reader's problems

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and their willingness to
cooperate in solving them.

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Let's write something like
"Thank you for your patience

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and understanding."

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This sentence, "We apologize
for the inconvenience,"

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may not really be necessary.

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Some of you may feel it makes
the email too apologetic.

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So I think we can let our
listeners decide for themselves.

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Does Jenny need
this apology or not?

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Now, let's take one
final look at this email.

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Jenny has taken a problem that
might cause a lot of annoyance

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to her readers, and
she's explained it

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in a way that's direct,
professional, and sympathetic.

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She's making the best of
a bad situation, which

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is a very important skill
in any business setting.

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So let's hit the Send button
and get this message out

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to Jenny's colleagues.

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