WEBVTT 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So it's June 15th, 2016, a warm summer day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I had just graduated high school 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I'm riding the euphoria of all that comes along with going away to college. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, most stories start off with today was not a normal day but not mine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Today was anything from normal, from sunup to sundown. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I cancel plans with my friends. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I decide to not go to my favorite museum with my family. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I wash my car by hand. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All of these actions are really out of the norm for me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For whatever reason, I was home all day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And just after drawing off my car, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was in my room, not really doing much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And my little sister Allison comes in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She asks, "Can we go pick up Maddie from Jason's house?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I say yes without really giving a second thought, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and within a couple minutes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we're driving. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A little backstory on Maddie and Jason. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason is a junior, goes to my high school, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he's dating Maddie, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a freshman who's friends with my sister. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now my sister likes to throw parties like any other teenager does. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I've gotten to know Jason a little bit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And what I've learned from watching him is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that he is the center of his social group. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He is the one that everyone 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 looks to, to see what they should be doing, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and if they like it or not. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now I've also noticed 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that he can get angry sometimes and has a hot temper. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When my sister first asked if we could go pick up Maddie, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said yes pretty quickly. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And this was for a couple of reasons. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The first was that it's kind of weird for me 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to pick up a friend from a boyfriend's house. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Usually, I just chauffer for my sister from house to house. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The second was that I had heard in school about Maddie and Jason 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 having some relationship problems, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that kind of set an alarm bell off. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The third was that my sister wears her arm on her sleeve, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so it's really easy to tell 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that she was anxious about the situation also. So we arrived at Jason's house 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I parked my black sedan on the right side of the street, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 opposite from his house. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I opened the car door and I stepped out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 into the warm cloudy afternoon Virginia air. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I noticed that Maddie's sitting on the porch, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which is out of place. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Normally my sister's friends 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just wait inside for a text or knock at the door. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But Maddie walks across the yard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I open the car door behind mine and she gets in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I shut up behind her. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now at this point, I have to admit 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that I'm really relieved that Jason is nowhere to be seen 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that there had been no incident or altercation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I head back in the car, buckle my seatbelt, close the door 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and start a three-point turn to head home. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The first turn was the left in Jason's driveway. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I put the car in reverse to back out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I look up at the house and noticed a figure in the doorway 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that wasn't there before. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I recognized him instantly 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 from his red, white and blue American flag tank top. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's Jason, and he's holding a broom in his hand, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it looks like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but as I take a closer look, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 my heart begins to thump into my chest 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as they recognized the metal in wood as a shotgun. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I begin to think about what's about to happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My first thought is that Jason 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is just trying to show that he's more manly than I am. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I can't hurt him. And the second but scarier 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is that he's going to come out and show his anger through the firearm. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And that's what I act on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I put the car in reverse and I back out of the driveway. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I stop and I'm about to head home and I put the gear shifter 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and drive, and then park. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Chunk �� chunk �� chunk �� drive for getting away safely 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and park for getting out and trying to talk some sense into Jason. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I choose to drive, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 slowly lift my foot off the brake 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and feel the car start to push into my back. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I take one last look at the house to make sure everything's still okay 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I don't see Jason anymore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I see red, white and blue at about waist level 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and notice that Jason's bent over like this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As I scan my eyes down, pop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I see what looks like a pink mist covering the door 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that Jason was standing behind. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm trying to wrap my brain about what just happened 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I forced myself to come to the conclusion 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that what I was seeing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was Jason's brain matter splattered on the door 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the skylight above. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I hear a faint Joey something just happened from the backseat 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I realized that I know something the girls don't: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason just shot himself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My first thought is to get the girls away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I put the car in drive and begin to speed away 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 across one intersection and maybe even two. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I hear rustling from the backseat and next to me the girls 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 are starting to panic. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's rustling in seats, slamming on windows, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so I locked the car to keep them in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I grab the phone and dial 911. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The operator picks up and I have to utter the words: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I've just witnessed a suicide" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and chaos immediately erupts inside the sedan. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As I'm trying to relay the information to the operator, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like the address, my name, and for some reason my birthday. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I get a faint look from my sister with tears in her eyes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and asks if Jason is going to be okay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 In order to keep myself together I have to look away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I pull the car over and get out because I cannot keep myself together 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 inside with those two girls. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know that I have to stay, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at least, calm and collected to keep them there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and away from that door. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I finish relaying the information to the operator and they say, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hang on, the police will be there soon." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then click. The phone line goes dead. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the operator hung up. And I'm all alone. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I stand outside in the familiar neighborhood of Vista woods 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 knowing that I am the only one that knows what just happened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The whole world is oblivious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A car drives behind me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Someone is mowing their lawn off to my right, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I hear little kids playing to my left. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Everything is normal 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as far as the rest of the world is concerned. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I am stuck in a different universe than the rest of the world. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 In a movie when something like this happens, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the screen goes dark 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and ominous music comes from underneath. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it's not like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was scared 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I couldn't do anything about it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now I tell you that story 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because today I want to tell you what it means to experience trauma. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sorry. So there's no real book on parenting as all parents know. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no textbook you can turn to, to know what to do next. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And even if there was a textbook on parenting, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I seriously doubt that any of the chapter titles 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would have been "What to do when your child misses a shotgun suicide?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So my parents did the best thing they could think of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and took my sister and me to a talk therapist in town 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the very next day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And we set up more sessions for that summer, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and throughout that summer 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we told her what happened and our feelings and stuff like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it definitely helped but it didn't help where I needed it, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which was in my psyche if that makes any sense. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm really into knowing where people are coming from 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in their thoughts, actions, and words. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I subject myself to the same analysis. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And over the summer, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was doing these intrusive thoughts 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and what I was coming up with was I was milking it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was fine and didn't need any extra attention. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I think a lot of people go through that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I thought to myself: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "This event is in the past Joey; just move on and get over it." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I start school here at Behrend in the fall 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and on the surface everything's great. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But there were these little things 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that were happening that showed me that everything was not great. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For instance, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I would be in my dorm room or in a classroom, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't hear kids down the hall laughing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and instantly I would think that they were crying. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's really amazing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 how much hysterical laughter and hysterical crying 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sound the same. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I would blank out into this thousand-yard 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 stare replaying the event in my head and would be scared 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 over something moving or someone touching my shoulder. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And finally, I would cry myself to sleep at night, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 not a sad or angry cry, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just there staring at the wall with tears rolling down my face. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I'm a bit of a nerd 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I started researching what was happening to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I learned that your brain 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 talks through the exchanging of charged particles 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 through neural pathways. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And when these pathways get used more, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's easier for your brain to follow. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now most people have heard of "fight or flight" and what this is, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is it's an instinct that happens when your body feels in danger. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your amygdala which is the oldest part of your brain takes control 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and tells the rest of your brain what to do and your body. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now if there's a tiger in front of you, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you're really not going to benefit that much from thinking: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 what am I going to do next? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, what's the tiger going to do next? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's a lot more beneficial for your longevity 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if you fight the tiger or run away really fast. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And that's what the amygdala triggers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now my brain thought 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that the right way to act in a sad or scary situation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was to do what my amygdala set on June 15th, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which makes sense. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was just trying to protect me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what it was actually resulting in 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was a torrent of emotions that I had never felt before. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now despite all this, I was just telling myself: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Joey, you're just a freshman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're just anxious about this semester 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 starting to ramp up, and you're homesick." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now you know that part in a movie where things start to really get bad, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this is that part. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the part where they really started to not get okay 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 were my dreams. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was struggling to sleep without nightmares 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and eventually started sleepwalking. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And one night I started sleepwalking, left my dorm room, left my building, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and ended up eight miles away from campus, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in rainbow flip-flops. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was eventually found by the police, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 disoriented and confused. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And their first thought was: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dang, this college freshman definitely cannot handle his booze." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So he took me to the hospital and called my parents 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and eventually, everyone realized that I wasn't drunk or on drugs 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but I was having a PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) breakdown. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now this sleepwalking incident was a wake-up call 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for me and my parents that I needed help, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that I wasn't okay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And since my dad is a retired marine, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we're well connected with the military community. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And we're pointed in the direction of EMDR 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it's a way to help our brains deal with trauma. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I took a three-week leave of absence from school to go home to Virginia 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and start EMDR therapy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The first session was about an hour and a half 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the therapist went over all the science of everything, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which again I was into. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She told me that EMDR is based on the research of REM sleep 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which is rapid eye movement sleep. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And what happens during REM sleep or what's theorized at least 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is your eyes are moving back and forth rapidly and randomly 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you're filing away all the information from the day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So if you had a stressful day at work, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your dreams might have some relation to that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now REM sleep is almost 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like the visualization of what's happening 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and those come out as dreams. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What was happening when I was dreaming 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was I was seeing June 15th in a different light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now your brain during REM sleep 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is moving everything 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 from your short-term to your long-term. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it kind of reads what it is, labels it and then sends away for filing. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it doesn't always come across exactly in your dreams. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What was happening in my dreams 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was I was replaying the event over and over and over again 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because my brain couldn't file it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It just kept trying to refile and refile. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it just wasn't able to. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now the way a typical EMDR session would go is the therapist 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would hold their fingers about six to 12 inches away 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 from my face and swipe from my left peripheral 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to my right peripheral, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 back and forth. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they call this bilateral stimulation, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because it stimulates both hemispheres of your brain. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She would tell me to put myself back into June 15th, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 back into the sedan 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and let her know what I was feeling and what was happening. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And when I came to a part 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 where I was upset or didn't really understand what was happening or angry, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she would input a sentence or two, and then we would swipe on that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And now I kind of cement that thinking into my head. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now there were two really big problems that I was having with June 15th. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The first was that I felt responsible for what the girls had seen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now if you remember I turned left, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but there's a way to get home straight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I thought that because I turned left that that was the reason 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the girls saw what happened 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that I was the reason they saw it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If I would have gone straight they would be fine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The second was that I felt like I could have helped Jason. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know what I could have done 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but I just wish I would have done something better for him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What EMDR helped me do was realize that I could have done nothing better 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that situation went the way it was going to happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now with traditional talk therapy, you can say oh I'm fine; 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it wasn't my fault; I'm okay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But you can lie; you can lie to the therapist and you can lie to yourself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What EMDR does is it really 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 forces you to believe what you're saying and thinking. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now one way to show this is when I've been researching EMDR, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I found that people would start crying out of nowhere during the swiping. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I thought, no, no, that doesn't happen to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It happens to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We would be sitting there swiping back and forth 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I would just start crying uncontrollably. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was like someone had taken a champagne bottle 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and pop the cork 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and all of that was coming out was everything that I had bottled away on June 15th. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And now it was finally escaping. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Luckily, I only needed two EMDR sessions. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Part of this is due to the fact of the neural pathways 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that I mentioned earlier 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and how when one gets used more it gets easier to follow. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now in my brain, the trauma only had time to set up a walking path 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 through the woods that my brain could follow. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But in other trauma victims, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like someone who's been to war or someone who's in an abusive relationship, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they might have a highway that's been formed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For me all we had to do is take a rake and brush the leaves back over 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and my brain would forget it was there. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But for someone else, you may need to take a jackhammer to it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and plant trees and wait for them to grow and that takes time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, a little statistic on EMDR to show that I'm not just like a poster child. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 After on average of six 50-minute sessions, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 100% of single trauma victims 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and 77% of multi-trauma victims 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 had zero signs of PTSD after. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now EMDR is just one of the ways that we're learning about trauma 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the way our brains process it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And who knows what science is going to bring us 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in five, ten or 20 years. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What I do know is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that before this event happened to me 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I thought that trauma was just something you need to get over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just accept it and move on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I realize now is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that we have to help ourselves if we truly want to get past something. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For months I was wanting to know why this happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why did Jason take his life? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why those two girls? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And what I've learned is that some events in life 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just feel like a crappy movie, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 one where the last scene ends with more questions than answers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And do we want those answers? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But we can find peace 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 even though we know we will never get those answers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I hope that you think about trauma differently than you did before 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and have a better understanding 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 about how your brain process the world around you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And just remember that sometimes it needs a little help. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (Applause)