1
00:00:15,011 --> 00:00:19,671
So it's June 15th, 2016,
a warm summer day.

2
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:22,639
I just graduated high school,
and I'm riding the euphoria

3
00:00:22,639 --> 00:00:25,609
of all that comes along
with going away to college.

4
00:00:26,379 --> 00:00:30,431
Now, most stories start off with:
"Today was not a normal day."

5
00:00:31,181 --> 00:00:33,221
But not mine.

6
00:00:33,791 --> 00:00:38,230
Today was anything from normal,
from sunup to sundown.

7
00:00:39,151 --> 00:00:41,632
I cancel plans with my friends.

8
00:00:41,632 --> 00:00:45,233
I decide to not go to my favorite
museum with my family.

9
00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,229
And I wash my car by hand.

10
00:00:47,853 --> 00:00:50,813
All of these actions
are really out of the norm for me.

11
00:00:51,853 --> 00:00:54,123
For whatever reason, I was home all day.

12
00:00:54,698 --> 00:00:56,454
And just after drying up my car,

13
00:00:56,454 --> 00:00:58,384
I was in my room, not really doing much,

14
00:00:58,384 --> 00:01:00,223
and my little sister Allison comes in.

15
00:01:00,223 --> 00:01:03,374
She asks, "Can we go pick up Maddie
from Jason's house?"

16
00:01:03,374 --> 00:01:05,574
I say yes without giving it
a second thought,

17
00:01:05,574 --> 00:01:07,704
and within a couple minutes we're driving.

18
00:01:07,704 --> 00:01:09,774
A little backstory on Maddie and Jason.

19
00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:13,476
Jason is a junior, goes to my high school,

20
00:01:13,476 --> 00:01:15,537
and he's dating Maddie -

21
00:01:15,537 --> 00:01:18,494
a freshman who's friends with my sister.

22
00:01:18,494 --> 00:01:21,679
Now, my sister likes to throw parties
like any other teenager does.

23
00:01:21,679 --> 00:01:24,184
So I've gotten to know Jason a little bit.

24
00:01:24,425 --> 00:01:26,785
And what I've learned from watching him

25
00:01:26,785 --> 00:01:29,746
is that he is the center
of his social group.

26
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:33,096
He is the one that everyone looks to,
to see what they should be doing,

27
00:01:33,096 --> 00:01:34,476
and if they like it or not.

28
00:01:35,046 --> 00:01:36,446
Now, I've also noticed

29
00:01:36,446 --> 00:01:40,946
that he can get angry sometimes
and has a hot temper.

30
00:01:42,786 --> 00:01:45,657
When my sister first asked
if we could go pick up Maddie,

31
00:01:45,657 --> 00:01:47,880
I said yes pretty quickly.

32
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,660
And this was for a couple of reasons.

33
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:52,401
The first was that it's kind of weird

34
00:01:52,401 --> 00:01:56,331
for me to pick up a friend
from a boyfriend's house.

35
00:01:56,331 --> 00:01:59,501
Usually, I just chauffeur for my sister
from house to house.

36
00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:02,962
The second was
that I had heard in school

37
00:02:02,962 --> 00:02:06,715
about Maddie and Jason having
some relationship problems,

38
00:02:06,715 --> 00:02:08,872
and that kind of set an alarm bell off.

39
00:02:09,272 --> 00:02:12,411
The third was that my sister
wears her arm on her sleeve,

40
00:02:12,411 --> 00:02:13,862
so it's really easy to tell

41
00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:16,489
that she was anxious
about the situation also.

42
00:02:17,573 --> 00:02:19,103
So we arrive at Jason's house,

43
00:02:19,103 --> 00:02:22,072
and I park my black sedan
on the right side of the street,

44
00:02:22,072 --> 00:02:23,589
opposite from his house.

45
00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:25,373
I open the car door

46
00:02:25,373 --> 00:02:29,523
and I step out into the warm,
cloudy afternoon Virginia air.

47
00:02:29,853 --> 00:02:32,153
And I notice that Maddie's
sitting on the porch,

48
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,984
which is out of place.

49
00:02:33,984 --> 00:02:38,494
Normally, my sister's friends just wait
inside for a text or knock at the door.

50
00:02:39,495 --> 00:02:41,174
But Maddie walks across the yard,

51
00:02:41,174 --> 00:02:44,744
I open the car door behind mine,
she gets in, and I shut it behind her.

52
00:02:44,744 --> 00:02:47,042
Now, at this point, I have to admit

53
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:50,636
that I'm really relieved
that Jason is nowhere to be seen

54
00:02:50,636 --> 00:02:53,198
and that there had been
no incident or altercation.

55
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:57,457
So I head back in the car,
buckle my seat belt, close the door

56
00:02:57,457 --> 00:02:59,959
and start a three-point turn to head home.

57
00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:03,091
The first turn was the left
into Jason's driveway.

58
00:03:04,136 --> 00:03:05,986
I put the car in reverse to back out,

59
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,506
and I look up at the house

60
00:03:07,506 --> 00:03:10,440
and noticed a figure in the doorway
that wasn't there before.

61
00:03:10,996 --> 00:03:12,666
I recognized him instantly

62
00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:15,673
from his red, white
and blue American flag tank top.

63
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,568
It's Jason,

64
00:03:18,433 --> 00:03:21,528
and he's holding a broom
in his hand, it looks like,

65
00:03:22,238 --> 00:03:23,907
but as I take a closer look,

66
00:03:23,907 --> 00:03:26,797
my heart begins to thump inside my chest

67
00:03:27,718 --> 00:03:31,989
as I recognize the metal
and wood as a shotgun.

68
00:03:34,358 --> 00:03:37,046
I begin to think about
what's about to happen.

69
00:03:37,557 --> 00:03:40,036
My first thought is that Jason
is just trying to show

70
00:03:40,036 --> 00:03:42,100
that he's more manly than I am.

71
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,489
I can't hurt him.

72
00:03:44,059 --> 00:03:47,199
And the second, but more scary,

73
00:03:47,969 --> 00:03:53,522
is that he's going to come out
and show his anger through the firearm.

74
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,839
And that's what I act on.

75
00:03:56,368 --> 00:03:59,092
I put the car in reverse
and I back out of the driveway.

76
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:02,340
I stop, and I'm about to head home,

77
00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:04,710
and I put the gear shifter in drive,

78
00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:06,490
and then park.

79
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,021
Chunk, chunk, chunk.

80
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:14,080
Drive for getting away safely,

81
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:18,590
and park for getting out
and trying to talk some sense into Jason.

82
00:04:19,930 --> 00:04:21,202
I choose to drive,

83
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,722
slowly lift my foot off the brake

84
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,183
and feel the car
start to push into my back.

85
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:34,201
I take one last look at the house
to make sure everything's still okay,

86
00:04:34,461 --> 00:04:36,754
and I don't see Jason anymore.

87
00:04:37,794 --> 00:04:42,301
But I see red, white and blue
at about waist level

88
00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:46,376
and notice that Jason's
bent over like this.

89
00:04:47,432 --> 00:04:49,762
As I scan my eyes down,

90
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:01,683
I see what looks like a pink mist

91
00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:04,525
covering the door
that Jason was standing behind.

92
00:05:05,396 --> 00:05:08,604
I'm trying to wrap my brain
about what just happened,

93
00:05:09,253 --> 00:05:11,961
and I force myself
to come to the conclusion

94
00:05:11,961 --> 00:05:14,723
that what I was seeing
was Jason's brain matter

95
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:18,604
splattered on the door
and the skylight above.

96
00:05:22,004 --> 00:05:24,664
I hear a faint "Joey,

97
00:05:24,664 --> 00:05:27,314
something just happened,"
from the backseat,

98
00:05:27,314 --> 00:05:31,668
and I realized that I
know something the girls don't:

99
00:05:33,121 --> 00:05:35,075
Jason just shot himself.

100
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,815
My first thought is to get the girls away.

101
00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:45,025
I put the car in drive
and begin to speed away

102
00:05:45,025 --> 00:05:47,664
across one intersection
and maybe even two.

103
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:52,286
I hear rustling from
the backseat and next to me,

104
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:53,926
the girls are starting to panic.

105
00:05:53,926 --> 00:05:56,626
There's rustling in seats,
slamming on windows,

106
00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:58,774
so I lock the car to keep them in.

107
00:05:59,257 --> 00:06:01,174
I grab the phone and dial 911.

108
00:06:02,036 --> 00:06:04,836
The operator picks up
and I have to utter the words:

109
00:06:04,836 --> 00:06:06,982
"I've just witnessed a suicide,"

110
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:10,838
and chaos immediately erupts
inside the sedan.

111
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:14,727
As I'm trying to relay
the information to the operator,

112
00:06:14,727 --> 00:06:18,587
like the address, my name,
and for some reason my birthday,

113
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:22,478
I get a faint look from my sister
with tears in her eyes

114
00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:25,199
and asks if Jason is going to be okay.

115
00:06:27,148 --> 00:06:29,906
In order to keep myself together
I have to look away.

116
00:06:31,018 --> 00:06:33,478
I pull the car over and get out

117
00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:37,278
because I cannot keep myself together
inside with those two girls.

118
00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:42,239
I know that I have to stay
at least calm and collected

119
00:06:42,659 --> 00:06:45,519
to keep them there
and away from that door.

120
00:06:47,310 --> 00:06:51,337
I finish relaying the information
to the operator, and they say,

121
00:06:51,337 --> 00:06:53,582
"Hang on, the police will be there soon."

122
00:06:54,112 --> 00:06:57,101
And then click.

123
00:06:58,771 --> 00:07:01,471
The phone line goes dead.
And the operator hung up.

124
00:07:01,941 --> 00:07:03,367
And I'm all alone.

125
00:07:05,151 --> 00:07:09,411
I stand outside in the familiar
neighborhood of Vista woods,

126
00:07:09,411 --> 00:07:12,376
knowing that I am the only one
that knows what just happened.

127
00:07:13,521 --> 00:07:15,317
The whole world is oblivious.

128
00:07:16,091 --> 00:07:17,638
A car drives behind me.

129
00:07:18,631 --> 00:07:20,798
Someone is mowing their lawn
off to my right,

130
00:07:21,555 --> 00:07:23,828
and I hear little kids playing to my left.

131
00:07:25,268 --> 00:07:29,382
Everything is normal as far as the rest
of the world is concerned.

132
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:33,194
But I am stuck in a different universe
than the rest of the world.

133
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:36,153
In a movie when something
like this happens,

134
00:07:36,153 --> 00:07:39,042
the screen goes dark
and ominous music comes from underneath.

135
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,942
But it's not like that.

136
00:07:43,123 --> 00:07:44,683
I was scared,

137
00:07:44,683 --> 00:07:46,573
and I couldn't do anything about it.

138
00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,403
Now, I tell you that story

139
00:07:52,403 --> 00:07:56,994
because today I want to tell you
what it means to experience trauma.

140
00:08:04,224 --> 00:08:05,625
Sorry.

141
00:08:08,481 --> 00:08:12,805
So, there's no real book on parenting,
as all parents know.

142
00:08:12,805 --> 00:08:16,664
There's no textbook you can turn to,
to know what to do next.

143
00:08:17,773 --> 00:08:20,625
And even if there was
a textbook on parenting,

144
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:24,225
I seriously doubt that any
of the chapter titles would have been

145
00:08:24,225 --> 00:08:27,390
"What to do when your child
witnesses a shotgun suicide?"

146
00:08:27,665 --> 00:08:30,106
So my parents did the best thing
they could think of

147
00:08:30,106 --> 00:08:32,585
and took my sister and me
to a talk therapist in town

148
00:08:32,585 --> 00:08:33,676
the very next day.

149
00:08:33,676 --> 00:08:36,837
And we set up more sessions
for that summer,

150
00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:38,116
and throughout that summer

151
00:08:38,116 --> 00:08:41,096
we told her what happened
and our feelings and stuff like that.

152
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:45,128
And it definitely helped,
but it didn't help where I needed it,

153
00:08:45,128 --> 00:08:48,337
which was in my psyche -
if that makes any sense.

154
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:50,489
I'm really into knowing

155
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:54,377
where people are coming from,
in their thoughts, actions, and words.

156
00:08:54,377 --> 00:08:57,236
And I subject myself to the same analysis.

157
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,567
And over the summer,
I was doing these intrusive thoughts,

158
00:09:00,937 --> 00:09:05,048
and what I was coming up with was:
I was milking it.

159
00:09:05,929 --> 00:09:08,314
I was fine and didn't need
any extra attention.

160
00:09:08,879 --> 00:09:10,999
And I think a lot of people
go through that.

161
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,208
I thought to myself:

162
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:16,748
"This event is in the past Joey;
just move on and get over it."

163
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,889
So I start school here
at Behrend, in the fall,

164
00:09:22,209 --> 00:09:24,479
and on the surface everything's great.

165
00:09:24,479 --> 00:09:27,239
But there were these little things
that were happening

166
00:09:27,239 --> 00:09:29,710
that showed me
that everything was not great.

167
00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:34,629
For instance, I would
be in my dorm room or in a classroom,

168
00:09:34,629 --> 00:09:36,810
I would hear kids down the hall laughing,

169
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:40,000
and instantly, I would think
that they were crying.

170
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,930
It's really amazing

171
00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:45,859
how much hysterical laughter
and hysterical crying sound the same.

172
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:49,710
I would blank out
into this thousand-yard stare,

173
00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:51,191
replaying the event in my head,

174
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:54,831
and would be scared over something moving
or someone touching my shoulder.

175
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,901
And finally,

176
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:04,252
I would cry myself to sleep at night,
not a sad or angry cry,

177
00:10:04,851 --> 00:10:08,935
just there, staring at the wall
with tears rolling down my face.

178
00:10:11,022 --> 00:10:13,632
So I'm a bit of a nerd,

179
00:10:14,382 --> 00:10:17,530
and I started researching
what was happening to me.

180
00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:19,202
And I learned that your brain talks

181
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,712
through the exchanging
of charged particles

182
00:10:21,712 --> 00:10:23,233
through neural pathways.

183
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:25,813
And when these pathways get used more,

184
00:10:25,813 --> 00:10:27,956
it's easier for your brain to follow.

185
00:10:28,773 --> 00:10:31,954
Now, most people have heard
of "fight or flight," and what this is,

186
00:10:31,954 --> 00:10:35,394
it's an instinct that happens
when your body feels in danger.

187
00:10:35,394 --> 00:10:39,025
Your amygdala, which is the oldest part
of your brain, takes control

188
00:10:39,025 --> 00:10:42,334
and tells the rest of your brain
what to do, and your body.

189
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:44,834
Now, if there's a tiger in front of you,

190
00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:47,622
you're really not going to benefit
that much from thinking:

191
00:10:47,622 --> 00:10:49,094
"What am I going to do next?

192
00:10:49,094 --> 00:10:50,964
Oh, what's the tiger going to do next?"

193
00:10:50,964 --> 00:10:53,875
It's a lot more beneficial
for your longevity

194
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:56,996
if you fight the tiger
or run away really fast.

195
00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:59,635
And that's what the amygdala triggers.

196
00:10:59,635 --> 00:11:02,135
Now, my brain thought

197
00:11:02,135 --> 00:11:06,185
that the right way to act
in a sad or scary situation

198
00:11:06,185 --> 00:11:09,055
was to do what my amygdala
said on June 15th -

199
00:11:09,055 --> 00:11:10,196
which makes sense;

200
00:11:10,196 --> 00:11:11,886
it was just trying to protect me.

201
00:11:11,886 --> 00:11:13,916
But what it was actually resulting in

202
00:11:13,916 --> 00:11:16,776
was a torrent of emotions
that I had never felt before.

203
00:11:18,665 --> 00:11:21,416
Now, despite all this,
I was just telling myself:

204
00:11:21,416 --> 00:11:23,301
"Joey, you're just a freshman.

205
00:11:23,301 --> 00:11:26,556
You're just anxious about this semester
starting to ramp up,

206
00:11:26,556 --> 00:11:28,197
and you're homesick."

207
00:11:28,736 --> 00:11:32,657
You know that part in a movie
where things start to really get bad,

208
00:11:32,657 --> 00:11:33,844
this is that part.

209
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:37,697
And the part where they really
started to not get okay

210
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,037
were my dreams.

211
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:42,207
I was struggling to sleep
without nightmares

212
00:11:42,207 --> 00:11:44,734
and eventually started sleepwalking.

213
00:11:45,317 --> 00:11:48,248
And one night, I started sleepwalking,

214
00:11:49,198 --> 00:11:52,768
left my dorm room, left my building,

215
00:11:53,208 --> 00:11:56,199
and ended up eight miles away from campus,

216
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,038
in rainbow flip-flops.

217
00:11:59,038 --> 00:12:01,568
(Laughter)

218
00:12:01,568 --> 00:12:05,280
I was eventually found by the police,
disoriented and confused.

219
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,859
And their first thought was:

220
00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:10,919
"Dang, this college freshman
definitely cannot handle his booze."

221
00:12:11,489 --> 00:12:14,029
So they took me to the hospital
and called my parents,

222
00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:17,668
and eventually, everyone realized
that I wasn't drunk or on drugs,

223
00:12:17,668 --> 00:12:20,220
but I was having a PTSD breakdown.

224
00:12:21,761 --> 00:12:24,590
Now, this sleepwalking incident
was a wake-up call

225
00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:28,180
for me and my parents that I needed help,

226
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,760
and that I wasn't okay.

227
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,200
And since my dad is a retired marine,

228
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,530
we're well connected
with the military community.

229
00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:36,831
And we're pointed
in the direction of EMDR,

230
00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:41,110
which stands for eye movement
desensitization and reprocessing.

231
00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:43,501
And it's a way to help
our brains deal with trauma.

232
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:47,072
So I took a three-week leave of absence
from school to go home to Virginia

233
00:12:47,072 --> 00:12:48,781
and start EMDR therapy.

234
00:12:48,781 --> 00:12:50,981
The first session
was about an hour and a half,

235
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:53,714
and the therapist went over
all the science of everything,

236
00:12:53,714 --> 00:12:55,577
which again I was into.

237
00:12:56,453 --> 00:13:00,352
She told me that EMDR
is based on the research of REM sleep,

238
00:13:00,352 --> 00:13:02,521
which is rapid eye movement sleep.

239
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,572
And what happens during REM sleep,
or what's theorized at least,

240
00:13:06,572 --> 00:13:10,593
is your eyes are moving
back and forth rapidly and randomly,

241
00:13:10,593 --> 00:13:15,031
and you're filing away
all the information from the day.

242
00:13:15,442 --> 00:13:17,385
So if you had a stressful day at work,

243
00:13:17,385 --> 00:13:19,672
your dreams might have
some relation to that.

244
00:13:20,046 --> 00:13:23,263
Now REM sleep is almost like
the visualization of what's happening,

245
00:13:23,263 --> 00:13:25,483
and those come out as dreams.

246
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:30,274
What was happening when I was dreaming

247
00:13:31,325 --> 00:13:35,103
was I was seeing June 15th
in a different light.

248
00:13:35,103 --> 00:13:37,394
Your brain during REM sleep

249
00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:41,364
is moving everything
from your short-term to your long-term.

250
00:13:41,364 --> 00:13:45,639
And it kind of reads what it is, labels it
and then sends it away for filing.

251
00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:48,426
It isn't always come across
exactly in your dreams.

252
00:13:48,946 --> 00:13:50,835
What was happening in my dreams

253
00:13:50,835 --> 00:13:53,755
was I was replaying the event
over and over and over again

254
00:13:53,755 --> 00:13:56,186
because my brain couldn't file it.

255
00:13:56,186 --> 00:13:58,736
It just kept trying to refile and refile.

256
00:13:58,736 --> 00:14:00,566
But it just wasn't able to.

257
00:14:01,476 --> 00:14:04,347
Now, the way a typical
EMDR session would go

258
00:14:04,347 --> 00:14:08,686
is the therapist would hold their fingers
about six to 12 inches away from my face

259
00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:12,716
and swipe from my left peripheral
to my right peripheral, back and forth.

260
00:14:12,716 --> 00:14:14,846
And they call this bilateral stimulation

261
00:14:14,846 --> 00:14:17,749
because it stimulates
both hemispheres of your brain.

262
00:14:18,768 --> 00:14:21,328
She would tell me to put myself
back into June 15th,

263
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:22,687
back into the sedan,

264
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:26,537
and let her know what I was feeling
and what was happening.

265
00:14:26,816 --> 00:14:29,678
And when I came to a part
where I was upset

266
00:14:29,678 --> 00:14:32,858
or didn't really understand
what was happening or angry,

267
00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:37,012
she would input a sentence or two,
and then we would swipe on that.

268
00:14:37,012 --> 00:14:39,542
And now I kind of cement
that thinking into my head.

269
00:14:42,059 --> 00:14:46,213
There were two really big problems
that I was having with June 15th.

270
00:14:47,078 --> 00:14:51,051
The first was that I felt responsible
for what the girls had seen.

271
00:14:51,859 --> 00:14:54,524
If you remember I turned left,

272
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,540
but there's a way to get home straight.

273
00:14:58,270 --> 00:15:00,989
And I thought that because I turned left

274
00:15:00,989 --> 00:15:03,491
that that was the reason
the girls saw what happened,

275
00:15:03,491 --> 00:15:05,920
that I was the reason they saw it.

276
00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:08,855
If I would have gone straight,
they would be fine.

277
00:15:10,650 --> 00:15:14,730
The second was that I felt like
I could have helped Jason.

278
00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:17,551
I don't know what I could have done,

279
00:15:17,551 --> 00:15:22,318
but I just wish I would have done
something better for him.

280
00:15:23,511 --> 00:15:27,551
What EMDR helped me do was realize
that I could have done nothing better,

281
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:30,859
and that situation went the way
it was going to happen.

282
00:15:32,411 --> 00:15:34,232
With traditional talk therapy,

283
00:15:34,232 --> 00:15:38,452
you can say: "Oh, I'm fine;
it wasn't my fault; I'm okay."

284
00:15:38,822 --> 00:15:40,402
But you can lie;

285
00:15:40,402 --> 00:15:43,202
you can lie to the therapist,
and you can lie to yourself.

286
00:15:43,472 --> 00:15:44,643
What EMDR does

287
00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:48,273
is it really forces you to believe
what you're saying and thinking.

288
00:15:49,243 --> 00:15:53,393
Now, one way to show this
is when I've been researching EMDR,

289
00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:59,835
I found that people would start crying
out of nowhere, during the swiping.

290
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:03,204
And I thought, "No, no,
that doesn't happen to me."

291
00:16:03,684 --> 00:16:04,894
It happens to me.

292
00:16:04,894 --> 00:16:06,184
(Laughter)

293
00:16:06,184 --> 00:16:08,754
We would be sitting there
swiping back and forth,

294
00:16:08,754 --> 00:16:12,474
and I would just
start crying uncontrollably.

295
00:16:12,474 --> 00:16:15,214
It was like someone
had taken a champagne bottle

296
00:16:15,214 --> 00:16:16,344
and pop the cork,

297
00:16:16,344 --> 00:16:18,064
and all of that was coming out


298
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:21,317
was everything that I
had bottled away on June 15th.

299
00:16:22,134 --> 00:16:24,107
And now it was finally escaping.

300
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:30,608
Luckily, I only needed two EMDR sessions.

301
00:16:31,465 --> 00:16:35,955
Part of this is due to the fact
of the neural pathways

302
00:16:35,955 --> 00:16:37,355
that I mentioned earlier,

303
00:16:37,355 --> 00:16:40,257
and how when one gets used more,
it gets easier to follow.

304
00:16:40,696 --> 00:16:42,006
Now, in my brain,

305
00:16:42,006 --> 00:16:46,436
the trauma only had time
to set up a walking path through the woods

306
00:16:46,436 --> 00:16:48,087
that my brain could follow.

307
00:16:48,087 --> 00:16:50,276
But in other trauma victims,

308
00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,596
like someone who's been to war


309
00:16:52,596 --> 00:16:55,478
or someone who's
in an abusive relationship,

310
00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:58,267
they might have a highway
that's been formed.

311
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:02,137
For me, all we had to do is take a rake
and brush the leaves back over,

312
00:17:02,137 --> 00:17:04,085
and my brain would forget it was there.

313
00:17:04,085 --> 00:17:05,315
But for someone else,

314
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:11,167
you may need to take a jackhammer to it
and plant trees and wait for them to grow,

315
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:12,348
and that takes time.

316
00:17:13,358 --> 00:17:17,408
Now a little statistic on EMDR to show
that I'm not just, like, a poster child.

317
00:17:18,478 --> 00:17:22,364
After, on average, six 50-minute sessions,

318
00:17:22,838 --> 00:17:26,548
100% of single trauma victims

319
00:17:26,548 --> 00:17:30,160
and 77% of multi-trauma victims

320
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,795
had zero signs of PTSD after.

321
00:17:35,928 --> 00:17:40,259
Now, EMDR is just one of the ways
that we're learning about trauma

322
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,009
and the way our brains process it.

323
00:17:42,009 --> 00:17:44,219
And who knows what science
is going to bring us

324
00:17:44,219 --> 00:17:46,310
in 5, 10 or 20 years.

325
00:17:46,661 --> 00:17:48,180
What I do know

326
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:50,417
is that before this event happened to me,

327
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:53,370
I thought that trauma was just
something you need to get over,

328
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:55,160
just accept it and move on.

329
00:17:55,869 --> 00:17:57,821
But what I realize now

330
00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:02,531
is that we have to help ourselves
if we truly want to get past something.

331
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,914
For months, I was wanting to know
why this happened.

332
00:18:10,151 --> 00:18:12,141
Why did Jason take his life?

333
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,092
Why those two girls?

334
00:18:20,562 --> 00:18:24,696
And what I've learned
is that some events in life

335
00:18:25,526 --> 00:18:27,540
just feel like a crappy movie,

336
00:18:28,572 --> 00:18:32,931
one where the last scene ends
with more questions than answers.

337
00:18:34,032 --> 00:18:36,551
And do we want those answers?

338
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,587
But we can find peace

339
00:18:41,532 --> 00:18:45,643
even though we know
we will never get those answers.

340
00:18:46,873 --> 00:18:49,963
I hope that you think about trauma
differently than you did before

341
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,454
and have a better understanding

342
00:18:51,454 --> 00:18:53,884
about how your brain processes
the world around you.

343
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:57,494
And just remember that sometimes
it needs a little help.

344
00:18:57,494 --> 00:18:58,775
Thank you.

345
00:18:58,775 --> 00:19:01,804
(Applause)