[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.01,0:00:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's June 15th, 2016,\Na warm summer day.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.67,0:00:22.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just graduated high school,\Nand I'm riding the euphoria
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.64,0:00:25.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of all that comes along\Nwith going away to college.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.38,0:00:30.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, most stories start off with:\N"Today was not a normal day."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.18,0:00:33.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But not mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.79,0:00:38.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today was anything from normal,\Nfrom sunup to sundown.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.15,0:00:41.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I cancel plans with my friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.63,0:00:45.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decide to not go to my favorite\Nmuseum with my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.23,0:00:47.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wash my car by hand.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.85,0:00:50.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All of these actions\Nare really out of the norm for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.85,0:00:54.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For whatever reason, I was home all day.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.70,0:00:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just after drying up my car,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.45,0:00:58.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in my room, not really doing much,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.38,0:01:00.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my little sister Allison comes in.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.22,0:01:03.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She asks, "Can we go pick up Maddie\Nfrom Jason's house?"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.37,0:01:05.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I say yes without giving it\Na second thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.57,0:01:07.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and within a couple minutes we're driving.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.70,0:01:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A little backstory on Maddie and Jason.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.81,0:01:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jason is a junior, goes to my high school,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.48,0:01:15.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he's dating Maddie -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.54,0:01:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a freshman who's friends with my sister.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.49,0:01:21.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, my sister likes to throw parties\Nlike any other teenager does.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.68,0:01:24.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I've gotten to know Jason a little bit.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.42,0:01:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I've learned from watching him
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.78,0:01:29.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that he is the center\Nof his social group.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.75,0:01:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He is the one that everyone looks to,\Nto see what they should be doing,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.10,0:01:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if they like it or not.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.05,0:01:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I've also noticed
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.45,0:01:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he can get angry sometimes\Nand has a hot temper.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.79,0:01:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my sister first asked\Nif we could go pick up Maddie,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.66,0:01:47.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said yes pretty quickly.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.88,0:01:49.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this was for a couple of reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.66,0:01:52.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first was that it's kind of weird
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.40,0:01:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for me to pick up a friend\Nfrom a boyfriend's house.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.33,0:01:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Usually, I just chauffeur for my sister\Nfrom house to house.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.50,0:02:02.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second was\Nthat I had heard in school
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.96,0:02:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about Maddie and Jason having\Nsome relationship problems,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.72,0:02:08.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that kind of set an alarm bell off.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.27,0:02:12.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third was that my sister\Nwears her arm on her sleeve,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.41,0:02:13.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so it's really easy to tell
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.86,0:02:16.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she was anxious\Nabout the situation also.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.57,0:02:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we arrive at Jason's house,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.10,0:02:22.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I park my black sedan\Non the right side of the street,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.07,0:02:23.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,opposite from his house.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.16,0:02:25.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I open the car door
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.37,0:02:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I step out into the warm,\Ncloudy afternoon Virginia air.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.85,0:02:32.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I notice that Maddie's\Nsitting on the porch,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.15,0:02:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is out of place.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.98,0:02:38.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Normally, my sister's friends just wait\Ninside for a text or knock at the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.50,0:02:41.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Maddie walks across the yard,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.17,0:02:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I open the car door behind mine,\Nshe gets in, and I shut it behind her.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.74,0:02:47.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, at this point, I have to admit
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.04,0:02:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm really relieved\Nthat Jason is nowhere to be seen
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.64,0:02:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that there had been\Nno incident or altercation.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.72,0:02:57.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I head back in the car,\Nbuckle my seat belt, close the door
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.46,0:02:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and start a three-point turn to head home.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.50,0:03:03.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first turn was the left\Ninto Jason's driveway.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.14,0:03:05.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I put the car in reverse to back out,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.99,0:03:07.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I look up at the house
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.51,0:03:10.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and noticed a figure in the doorway\Nthat wasn't there before.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.100,0:03:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I recognized him instantly
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.67,0:03:15.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from his red, white\Nand blue American flag tank top.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.37,0:03:17.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's Jason,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.43,0:03:21.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he's holding a broom\Nin his hand, it looks like,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.24,0:03:23.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as I take a closer look,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.91,0:03:26.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my heart begins to thump inside my chest
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.72,0:03:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I recognize the metal\Nand wood as a shotgun.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.36,0:03:37.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I begin to think about\Nwhat's about to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.56,0:03:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My first thought is that Jason\Nis just trying to show
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.04,0:03:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he's more manly than I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.10,0:03:43.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't hurt him.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.06,0:03:47.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the second, but more scary,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.97,0:03:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that he's going to come out\Nand show his anger through the firearm.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.27,0:03:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's what I act on.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.37,0:03:59.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I put the car in reverse\Nand I back out of the driveway.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.98,0:04:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stop, and I'm about to head home,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.34,0:04:04.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I put the gear shifter in drive,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.71,0:04:06.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then park.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.84,0:04:10.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chunk, chunk, chunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.58,0:04:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Drive for getting away safely,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.08,0:04:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and park for getting out\Nand trying to talk some sense into Jason.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.93,0:04:21.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I choose to drive,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.50,0:04:24.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,slowly lift my foot off the brake
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.56,0:04:29.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feel the car\Nstart to push into my back.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.87,0:04:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I take one last look at the house\Nto make sure everything's still okay,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.46,0:04:36.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't see Jason anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.79,0:04:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I see red, white and blue\Nat about waist level
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.51,0:04:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and notice that Jason's\Nbent over like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.43,0:04:49.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As I scan my eyes down,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.28,0:05:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see what looks like a pink mist
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.08,0:05:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,covering the door\Nthat Jason was standing behind.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.40,0:05:08.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm trying to wrap my brain\Nabout what just happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.25,0:05:11.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I force myself\Nto come to the conclusion
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.96,0:05:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that what I was seeing\Nwas Jason's brain matter
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.58,0:05:18.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,splattered on the door\Nand the skylight above.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.00,0:05:24.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hear a faint "Joey,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.66,0:05:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something just happened,"\Nfrom the backseat,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.31,0:05:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I realized that I\Nknow something the girls don't:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.12,0:05:35.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jason just shot himself.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.81,0:05:41.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My first thought is to get the girls away.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.82,0:05:45.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I put the car in drive\Nand begin to speed away
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.02,0:05:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,across one intersection\Nand maybe even two.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.31,0:05:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hear rustling from\Nthe backseat and next to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.29,0:05:53.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the girls are starting to panic.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.93,0:05:56.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's rustling in seats,\Nslamming on windows,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.63,0:05:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I lock the car to keep them in.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.26,0:06:01.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grab the phone and dial 911.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.04,0:06:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The operator picks up\Nand I have to utter the words:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.84,0:06:06.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I've just witnessed a suicide,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.45,0:06:10.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and chaos immediately erupts\Ninside the sedan.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.14,0:06:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As I'm trying to relay\Nthe information to the operator,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.73,0:06:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like the address, my name,\Nand for some reason my birthday,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.25,0:06:22.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I get a faint look from my sister\Nwith tears in her eyes
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.48,0:06:25.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and asks if Jason is going to be okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.15,0:06:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In order to keep myself together\NI have to look away.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.02,0:06:33.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I pull the car over and get out
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.48,0:06:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I cannot keep myself together\Ninside with those two girls.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.29,0:06:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that I have to stay\Nat least calm and collected
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.66,0:06:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to keep them there\Nand away from that door.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.31,0:06:51.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I finish relaying the information\Nto the operator, and they say,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.34,0:06:53.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hang on, the police will be there soon."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.11,0:06:57.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then click.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.77,0:07:01.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The phone line goes dead.\NAnd the operator hung up.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.94,0:07:03.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm all alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.15,0:07:09.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stand outside in the familiar\Nneighborhood of Vista woods,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.41,0:07:12.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,knowing that I am the only one\Nthat knows what just happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.52,0:07:15.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The whole world is oblivious.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.09,0:07:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A car drives behind me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.63,0:07:20.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone is mowing their lawn\Noff to my right,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.56,0:07:23.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I hear little kids playing to my left.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.27,0:07:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything is normal as far as the rest\Nof the world is concerned.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.38,0:07:33.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I am stuck in a different universe\Nthan the rest of the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.08,0:07:36.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In a movie when something\Nlike this happens,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.15,0:07:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the screen goes dark\Nand ominous music comes from underneath.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.04,0:07:40.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's not like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.12,0:07:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was scared,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.68,0:07:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I couldn't do anything about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.28,0:07:52.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I tell you that story
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.40,0:07:56.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because today I want to tell you\Nwhat it means to experience trauma.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.22,0:08:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sorry.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.48,0:08:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, there's no real book on parenting,\Nas all parents know.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.80,0:08:16.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no textbook you can turn to,\Nto know what to do next.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.77,0:08:20.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even if there was\Na textbook on parenting,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.62,0:08:24.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I seriously doubt that any\Nof the chapter titles would have been
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.22,0:08:27.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What to do when your child\Nwitnesses a shotgun suicide?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.66,0:08:30.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my parents did the best thing\Nthey could think of
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.11,0:08:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and took my sister and me\Nto a talk therapist in town
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.58,0:08:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the very next day.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.68,0:08:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we set up more sessions\Nfor that summer,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.84,0:08:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and throughout that summer
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.12,0:08:41.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we told her what happened\Nand our feelings and stuff like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.10,0:08:45.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it definitely helped,\Nbut it didn't help where I needed it,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.13,0:08:48.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was in my psyche -\Nif that makes any sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.99,0:08:50.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm really into knowing
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.49,0:08:54.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where people are coming from,\Nin their thoughts, actions, and words.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.38,0:08:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I subject myself to the same analysis.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.74,0:09:00.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over the summer,\NI was doing these intrusive thoughts,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.94,0:09:05.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I was coming up with was:\NI was milking it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.93,0:09:08.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was fine and didn't need\Nany extra attention.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.88,0:09:10.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think a lot of people\Ngo through that.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.01,0:09:13.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought to myself:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.21,0:09:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This event is in the past Joey;\Njust move on and get over it."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.72,0:09:21.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I start school here\Nat Behrend, in the fall,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.21,0:09:24.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and on the surface everything's great.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.48,0:09:27.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there were these little things\Nthat were happening
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.24,0:09:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that showed me\Nthat everything was not great.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.100,0:09:34.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For instance, I would\Nbe in my dorm room or in a classroom,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.63,0:09:36.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would hear kids down the hall laughing,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.81,0:09:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instantly, I would think\Nthat they were crying.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.68,0:09:41.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's really amazing
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.93,0:09:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how much hysterical laughter\Nand hysterical crying sound the same.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.80,0:09:49.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would blank out\Ninto this thousand-yard stare,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.71,0:09:51.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,replaying the event in my head,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.19,0:09:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and would be scared over something moving\Nor someone touching my shoulder.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.76,0:09:57.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.43,0:10:04.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would cry myself to sleep at night,\Nnot a sad or angry cry,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.85,0:10:08.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just there, staring at the wall\Nwith tears rolling down my face.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.02,0:10:13.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm a bit of a nerd,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.38,0:10:17.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started researching\Nwhat was happening to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.53,0:10:19.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I learned that your brain talks
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.20,0:10:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through the exchanging\Nof charged particles
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.71,0:10:23.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through neural pathways.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.23,0:10:25.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when these pathways get used more,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.81,0:10:27.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's easier for your brain to follow.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.77,0:10:31.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, most people have heard\Nof "fight or flight," and what this is,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.95,0:10:35.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's an instinct that happens\Nwhen your body feels in danger.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.39,0:10:39.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your amygdala, which is the oldest part\Nof your brain, takes control
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.02,0:10:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tells the rest of your brain\Nwhat to do, and your body.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.33,0:10:44.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if there's a tiger in front of you,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.83,0:10:47.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're really not going to benefit\Nthat much from thinking:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.62,0:10:49.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What am I going to do next?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.09,0:10:50.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, what's the tiger going to do next?"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.96,0:10:53.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a lot more beneficial\Nfor your longevity
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.88,0:10:56.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you fight the tiger\Nor run away really fast.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.46,0:10:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's what the amygdala triggers.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.64,0:11:02.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, my brain thought
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.14,0:11:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the right way to act\Nin a sad or scary situation
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.18,0:11:09.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was to do what my amygdala\Nsaid on June 15th -
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.06,0:11:10.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which makes sense;
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.20,0:11:11.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was just trying to protect me.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.89,0:11:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what it was actually resulting in
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.92,0:11:16.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a torrent of emotions\Nthat I had never felt before.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.66,0:11:21.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, despite all this,\NI was just telling myself:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.42,0:11:23.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Joey, you're just a freshman.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.30,0:11:26.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're just anxious about this semester\Nstarting to ramp up,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.56,0:11:28.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're homesick."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.74,0:11:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know that part in a movie\Nwhere things start to really get bad,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.66,0:11:33.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is that part.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.10,0:11:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the part where they really\Nstarted to not get okay
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.70,0:11:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were my dreams.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.60,0:11:42.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was struggling to sleep\Nwithout nightmares
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.21,0:11:44.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and eventually started sleepwalking.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.32,0:11:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one night, I started sleepwalking,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.20,0:11:52.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,left my dorm room, left my building,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.21,0:11:56.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and ended up eight miles away from campus,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.51,0:11:59.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in rainbow flip-flops.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.04,0:12:01.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.57,0:12:05.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was eventually found by the police,\Ndisoriented and confused.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.28,0:12:06.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And their first thought was:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.86,0:12:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Dang, this college freshman\Ndefinitely cannot handle his booze."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.49,0:12:14.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they took me to the hospital\Nand called my parents,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.03,0:12:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and eventually, everyone realized\Nthat I wasn't drunk or on drugs,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.67,0:12:20.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I was having a PTSD breakdown.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.76,0:12:24.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this sleepwalking incident\Nwas a wake-up call
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.59,0:12:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for me and my parents that I needed help,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.18,0:12:29.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that I wasn't okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.28,0:12:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And since my dad is a retired marine,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.20,0:12:34.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're well connected\Nwith the military community.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.53,0:12:36.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we're pointed\Nin the direction of EMDR,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.83,0:12:41.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which stands for eye movement\Ndesensitization and reprocessing.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.11,0:12:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's a way to help\Nour brains deal with trauma.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.50,0:12:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I took a three-week leave of absence\Nfrom school to go home to Virginia
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.07,0:12:48.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and start EMDR therapy.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.78,0:12:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first session\Nwas about an hour and a half,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.98,0:12:53.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the therapist went over\Nall the science of everything,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.71,0:12:55.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which again I was into.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.45,0:13:00.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She told me that EMDR\Nis based on the research of REM sleep,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.35,0:13:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is rapid eye movement sleep.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.28,0:13:06.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what happens during REM sleep,\Nor what's theorized at least,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.57,0:13:10.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is your eyes are moving\Nback and forth rapidly and randomly,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.59,0:13:15.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're filing away\Nall the information from the day.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.44,0:13:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you had a stressful day at work,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.38,0:13:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your dreams might have\Nsome relation to that.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.05,0:13:23.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now REM sleep is almost like\Nthe visualization of what's happening,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.26,0:13:25.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those come out as dreams.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.63,0:13:30.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was happening when I was dreaming
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.32,0:13:35.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was I was seeing June 15th\Nin a different light.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.10,0:13:37.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your brain during REM sleep
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.41,0:13:41.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is moving everything\Nfrom your short-term to your long-term.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.36,0:13:45.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it kind of reads what it is, labels it\Nand then sends it away for filing.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.64,0:13:48.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It isn't always come across\Nexactly in your dreams.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.95,0:13:50.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was happening in my dreams
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.84,0:13:53.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was I was replaying the event\Nover and over and over again
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.76,0:13:56.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my brain couldn't file it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.19,0:13:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It just kept trying to refile and refile.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.74,0:14:00.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it just wasn't able to.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.48,0:14:04.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the way a typical\NEMDR session would go
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.35,0:14:08.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the therapist would hold their fingers\Nabout six to 12 inches away from my face
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.69,0:14:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and swipe from my left peripheral\Nto my right peripheral, back and forth.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.72,0:14:14.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they call this bilateral stimulation
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.85,0:14:17.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it stimulates\Nboth hemispheres of your brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.77,0:14:21.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She would tell me to put myself\Nback into June 15th,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.33,0:14:22.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,back into the sedan,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.69,0:14:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and let her know what I was feeling\Nand what was happening.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.82,0:14:29.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I came to a part\Nwhere I was upset
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.68,0:14:32.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or didn't really understand\Nwhat was happening or angry,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.86,0:14:37.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she would input a sentence or two,\Nand then we would swipe on that.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.01,0:14:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now I kind of cement\Nthat thinking into my head.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.06,0:14:46.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There were two really big problems\Nthat I was having with June 15th.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.08,0:14:51.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first was that I felt responsible\Nfor what the girls had seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.86,0:14:54.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you remember I turned left,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.04,0:14:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there's a way to get home straight.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.27,0:15:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought that because I turned left
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.99,0:15:03.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that was the reason\Nthe girls saw what happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.49,0:15:05.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was the reason they saw it.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.26,0:15:08.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I would have gone straight,\Nthey would be fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.65,0:15:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second was that I felt like\NI could have helped Jason.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.27,0:15:17.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what I could have done,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.55,0:15:22.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just wish I would have done\Nsomething better for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.51,0:15:27.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What EMDR helped me do was realize\Nthat I could have done nothing better,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.55,0:15:30.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that situation went the way\Nit was going to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.41,0:15:34.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With traditional talk therapy,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:34.23,0:15:38.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can say: "Oh, I'm fine;\Nit wasn't my fault; I'm okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.82,0:15:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you can lie;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.40,0:15:43.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can lie to the therapist,\Nand you can lie to yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.47,0:15:44.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What EMDR does
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.64,0:15:48.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is it really forces you to believe\Nwhat you're saying and thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.24,0:15:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, one way to show this\Nis when I've been researching EMDR,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.96,0:15:59.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found that people would start crying\Nout of nowhere, during the swiping.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.19,0:16:03.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, "No, no,\Nthat doesn't happen to me."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.68,0:16:04.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It happens to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.89,0:16:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.18,0:16:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We would be sitting there\Nswiping back and forth,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.75,0:16:12.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would just\Nstart crying uncontrollably.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.47,0:16:15.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like someone\Nhad taken a champagne bottle
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.21,0:16:16.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and pop the cork,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.34,0:16:18.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all of that was coming out\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.06,0:16:21.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was everything that I\Nhad bottled away on June 15th.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:22.13,0:16:24.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now it was finally escaping.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.82,0:16:30.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Luckily, I only needed two EMDR sessions.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.46,0:16:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Part of this is due to the fact\Nof the neural pathways
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.96,0:16:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I mentioned earlier,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.36,0:16:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how when one gets used more,\Nit gets easier to follow.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.70,0:16:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in my brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.01,0:16:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the trauma only had time\Nto set up a walking path through the woods
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.44,0:16:48.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that my brain could follow.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.09,0:16:50.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in other trauma victims,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.28,0:16:52.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like someone who's been to war\N
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.60,0:16:55.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or someone who's\Nin an abusive relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.48,0:16:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they might have a highway\Nthat's been formed.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.27,0:17:02.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, all we had to do is take a rake\Nand brush the leaves back over,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.14,0:17:04.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my brain would forget it was there.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.08,0:17:05.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for someone else,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.32,0:17:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you may need to take a jackhammer to it\Nand plant trees and wait for them to grow,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.17,0:17:12.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that takes time.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.36,0:17:17.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now a little statistic on EMDR to show\Nthat I'm not just, like, a poster child.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:18.48,0:17:22.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After, on average, six 50-minute sessions,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.84,0:17:26.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,100% of single trauma victims
Dialogue: 0,0:17:26.55,0:17:30.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and 77% of multi-trauma victims
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.16,0:17:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had zero signs of PTSD after.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.93,0:17:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, EMDR is just one of the ways\Nthat we're learning about trauma
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.26,0:17:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the way our brains process it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.01,0:17:44.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who knows what science\Nis going to bring us
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.22,0:17:46.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in 5, 10 or 20 years.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.66,0:17:48.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I do know
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.18,0:17:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that before this event happened to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.42,0:17:53.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that trauma was just\Nsomething you need to get over,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.37,0:17:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just accept it and move on.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.87,0:17:57.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I realize now
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.26,0:18:02.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we have to help ourselves\Nif we truly want to get past something.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.45,0:18:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For months, I was wanting to know\Nwhy this happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.15,0:18:12.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why did Jason take his life?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.39,0:18:16.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why those two girls?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:20.56,0:18:24.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I've learned\Nis that some events in life
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.53,0:18:27.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just feel like a crappy movie,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:28.57,0:18:32.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one where the last scene ends\Nwith more questions than answers.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.03,0:18:36.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do we want those answers?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:38.38,0:18:40.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we can find peace
Dialogue: 0,0:18:41.53,0:18:45.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though we know\Nwe will never get those answers.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.87,0:18:49.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope that you think about trauma\Ndifferently than you did before
Dialogue: 0,0:18:49.96,0:18:51.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have a better understanding
Dialogue: 0,0:18:51.45,0:18:53.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about how your brain processes\Nthe world around you.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:53.88,0:18:57.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just remember that sometimes\Nit needs a little help.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:57.49,0:18:58.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.78,0:19:01.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)