0:00:01.025,0:00:04.519
All right, I have a close,[br]tight-knit circle of friends.

0:00:04.519,0:00:08.188
We're all in different cities[br]and we're all in different areas,

0:00:08.513,0:00:11.499
from local news to city government

0:00:11.499,0:00:15.815
to law, financial services.

0:00:16.180,0:00:18.283
And despite those different areas,

0:00:18.283,0:00:22.075
we seem to share similar stories[br]of workplace drama.

0:00:22.494,0:00:25.949
Now, I define workplace drama[br]as an annoyance that adds

0:00:25.949,0:00:28.431
additional stress to the job.

0:00:28.431,0:00:30.969
So it's when people get on your nerves,

0:00:30.969,0:00:32.571
not the job itself.

0:00:32.571,0:00:36.505
So as we're going through these stories,[br]I'm realizing there has to be a better way

0:00:36.505,0:00:39.329
for us to coexist with our coworkers

0:00:39.329,0:00:41.518
without this much drama.

0:00:42.417,0:00:44.858
So I created a few steps

0:00:44.858,0:00:46.237
that have been working for me,

0:00:46.237,0:00:48.606
and I'm happy to share them[br]with you guys today.

0:00:48.606,0:00:50.253
Step 1: rewind and reflect,

0:00:50.253,0:00:54.766
also known as, "What did I do?"

0:00:56.180,0:01:00.402
I want you guys to all replay[br]your most recent workplace drama situation

0:01:00.402,0:01:02.110
in your head like a movie.

0:01:02.110,0:01:04.551
Ignore all of the emotion[br]and just focus on you.

0:01:04.551,0:01:08.968
But for now let's just[br]think about this hypothetical.

0:01:08.968,0:01:11.575
So you're on a group project,

0:01:11.575,0:01:14.611
you each have your own[br]individual assignments,

0:01:14.611,0:01:17.612
and then you all divide up the work,

0:01:17.612,0:01:21.196
but then someone becomes unresponsive.

0:01:21.196,0:01:24.117
Not answering calls, they go ghost.

0:01:24.117,0:01:28.680
Then you or someone else has to now[br]pick up that additional slack.

0:01:29.765,0:01:34.883
So in a brief, small,[br]very tiny lapse in judgment,

0:01:34.883,0:01:37.893
you vent to the nearby coworker.

0:01:37.893,0:01:40.761
Then all of a sudden,[br]your ghost comes back

0:01:40.761,0:01:43.671
and they surprising know[br]everything you just said.

0:01:44.686,0:01:47.552
(Laughter)

0:01:47.552,0:01:48.070
Now what did I do in this situation?

0:01:48.070,0:01:51.112
I vented to someone[br]who was not my confidant.

0:01:51.112,0:01:52.966
Why would I do that?

0:01:52.966,0:01:56.294
Sometimes we create[br]this unspoken bond with people

0:01:56.294,0:01:59.698
that only exists in our heads.

0:01:59.698,0:02:02.295
They don't owe me their discretion.

0:02:02.295,0:02:04.307
I just assumed it was there.

0:02:04.725,0:02:06.577
So we're not going to go[br]down a rabbit hole

0:02:06.577,0:02:08.776
trying to figure out why they did that.

0:02:08.776,0:02:10.594
It doesn't matter. They did it.

0:02:10.594,0:02:14.136
But the goal in this step[br]is self-reflection.

0:02:14.136,0:02:17.343
We need to focus on what did we do

0:02:17.343,0:02:19.158
so we can avoid it in the future.

0:02:19.158,0:02:22.791
Step 2: come back to reality,

0:02:22.791,0:02:25.506
also known as, it needs to stop.

0:02:26.175,0:02:27.760
K?

0:02:27.760,0:02:32.032
So you guys ever think about problems[br]before you get to work?

0:02:32.032,0:02:33.155
Oh, it's just me?

0:02:33.155,0:02:34.491
(Laughter)

0:02:34.491,0:02:36.501
Well, I'm guilty of it.

0:02:36.501,0:02:39.668
I think about all of these[br]situations in my head

0:02:39.668,0:02:43.000
and then I get mad just thinking about it.

0:02:43.000,0:02:47.222
So I'm telling myself,[br]no you're just being prepared, Stacy.

0:02:47.222,0:02:48.486
(Laughter)

0:02:48.486,0:02:49.879
You are just making sure[br]that you can handle

0:02:49.879,0:02:52.515
whatever they're about to throw at you.

0:02:52.515,0:02:54.385
But you're not.

0:02:54.385,0:02:57.999
What you're really doing[br]is setting yourself up

0:02:57.999,0:02:59.493
and creating this anxiety in your head

0:02:59.493,0:03:02.914
that doesn't exist.

0:03:02.914,0:03:06.011
Then we also have to be careful[br]about listening to other people's

0:03:06.011,0:03:07.241
made-up scenarios.

0:03:07.241,0:03:08.380
Here's what I mean.

0:03:08.380,0:03:10.026
Let's say you're in the break room,

0:03:10.026,0:03:12.913
and you're talking to some coworker.

0:03:13.154,0:03:15.288
Then, all of a sudden,[br]another coworker comes in.

0:03:15.288,0:03:18.688
Now, they seem to just be in deep thought,

0:03:18.688,0:03:21.344
not overly cheerful but they're not rude.

0:03:21.726,0:03:24.726
They come in, they walk out.

0:03:24.726,0:03:29.295
Then the coworkers over here[br]begin to diagnose what they feel is wrong

0:03:29.295,0:03:30.863
with that person.

0:03:30.863,0:03:32.490
They're saying things like,

0:03:32.490,0:03:35.650
"Oh, they're just mad[br]they didn't get the job."

0:03:35.650,0:03:39.833
Or they're saying, "Oh, no no no during[br]this season they're just always upset."

0:03:39.833,0:03:44.510
And you're sitting here[br]like, yep, that must be it.

0:03:44.510,0:03:47.714
You're listening to this[br]as if this is facts.

0:03:47.714,0:03:49.778
Meanwhile, this coworker

0:03:49.778,0:03:54.224
can be in deep thought[br]about literally anything.

0:03:54.224,0:03:56.632
They could have just opened[br]a pack of Starburst,

0:03:56.632,0:03:59.394
got four yellows back to back, and they're[br]just trying to figure out what happened.

0:03:59.394,0:04:03.039
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:04:03.039,0:04:05.402
But you're over here listening.

0:04:05.402,0:04:08.457
And you're listening[br]to their made-up scenario

0:04:08.457,0:04:10.145
that now can impact

0:04:10.145,0:04:14.202
how you choose to interact[br]with that person throughout the day.

0:04:14.384,0:04:17.861
Whether we're creating[br]fake stories in our head

0:04:17.861,0:04:20.522
or listening to other people's[br]made-up stories,

0:04:20.522,0:04:22.659
it needs to stop.

0:04:22.891,0:04:24.724
The goal in this step:

0:04:24.724,0:04:29.141
stop stressing over things[br]that haven't happened.

0:04:29.141,0:04:32.641
All right. Step 3: vent and release.

0:04:32.641,0:04:37.650
It's good to have a vent buddy.

0:04:37.650,0:04:41.114
This is your coach, your cheerleader,

0:04:41.114,0:04:42.407
your therapist,

0:04:42.407,0:04:45.336
whatever you need them[br]to be in the moment.

0:04:45.336,0:04:49.128
This is not like that person in step 1[br]that just happened to be in earshot.

0:04:49.128,0:04:53.330
You have an established relationship[br]with your vent buddy.

0:04:53.330,0:04:56.062
Now, here's another scenario.

0:04:56.062,0:04:59.238
You're getting ready to tell[br]a customer or a client

0:04:59.238,0:05:01.869
something that they[br]just don't want to hear.

0:05:01.869,0:05:04.286
So, as you're in the middle of this spiel,

0:05:04.286,0:05:07.081
up comes another coworker

0:05:07.081,0:05:08.763
and they interrupt you

0:05:08.763,0:05:12.421
and then says the exact[br]same thing you were saying.

0:05:12.724,0:05:15.050
So you can't make a scene[br]in front of a customer.

0:05:15.050,0:05:20.080
So you just have to sit back,[br]mmhmm, and just listen as they do this.

0:05:20.080,0:05:22.224
And you're burning up inside.

0:05:22.224,0:05:23.907
So what do we do?

0:05:23.907,0:05:26.009
We go to our vent buddy.

0:05:26.009,0:05:28.396
We talk about it. We get mad.

0:05:28.396,0:05:30.327
And that's the time for that. Get mad.

0:05:30.327,0:05:33.887
Get angry. Curse, scream,[br]do whatever you need to do

0:05:33.887,0:05:37.708
to get it out. Now here's the hard part.

0:05:38.189,0:05:42.534
You then have to switch[br]that tone to positivity.

0:05:42.534,0:05:46.692
I truly believe in positive[br]and negative energy,

0:05:46.692,0:05:50.750
and it has a way of controlling[br]our mood throughout the day.

0:05:50.750,0:05:55.816
You've got to think of things like,[br]OK, where do I go from here?

0:05:55.816,0:05:57.998
What can I do differently?

0:05:57.998,0:06:00.136
And then, if you're the vent buddy,

0:06:00.136,0:06:05.815
it's your responsibility[br]to lead your friend back to the positive.

0:06:05.815,0:06:08.067
Now, the other hard part,

0:06:08.067,0:06:11.806
you have to then apply[br]those learnings to the situation.

0:06:11.806,0:06:14.362
You can't carry that resentment around.

0:06:14.362,0:06:18.625
If you do, that one-off situation[br]now becomes a pattern.

0:06:18.625,0:06:24.539
Pattern behavior is harder to ignore

0:06:24.539,0:06:26.105
than a one-off situation.

0:06:26.105,0:06:28.430
The goal in this step

0:06:28.430,0:06:32.265
is let's turn our vent session

0:06:32.530,0:06:35.265
into a productive conversation.

0:06:35.265,0:06:37.651
Step 4: learn a new language,

0:06:37.651,0:06:42.183
also known as, we need to talk.

0:06:42.853,0:06:47.972
Guys, I personally don't like[br]to pick up the phone at work.

0:06:47.972,0:06:49.557
I just don't.

0:06:49.557,0:06:52.262
I feel like whatever you need[br]to say to me can be an instant message

0:06:52.262,0:06:53.641
or an email.

0:06:53.641,0:06:56.677
That is my work language.

0:06:56.677,0:06:59.135
(Laughter)

0:06:59.135,0:06:59.750
The only problem with that,

0:06:59.750,0:07:01.512
you can't hear tone through an email.

0:07:01.512,0:07:06.043
So I read emails the same way I speak,

0:07:06.043,0:07:09.427
so I'm pretty sure I've[br]misinterpreted some tones before,

0:07:09.427,0:07:10.247
unless I know you.

0:07:10.247,0:07:13.523
So here's an example.

0:07:13.523,0:07:15.429
I'm going to show you guys an email,[br]and I want you to read it,

0:07:15.429,0:07:17.287
and then I'm going to read it out loud.

0:07:21.578,0:07:25.853
Alright, that was fast enough,[br]you should have read it.

0:07:25.853,0:07:27.438
(Laughter)

0:07:27.713,0:07:28.631
Stacy,

0:07:28.631,0:07:30.866
Thank you for reading out about my group.

0:07:30.866,0:07:33.618
At this time, we will not need[br]any additional support.

0:07:33.618,0:07:37.694
Going forward, if I feel we need help,[br]I'll ask, you won't have to reach out.

0:07:37.694,0:07:39.911
Per my last email (attached below),

0:07:39.911,0:07:42.284
I've outlined what I do, and what you do,

0:07:42.284,0:07:44.468
so we can avoid this in the future.

0:07:44.468,0:07:47.311
As always, thank you for your partnership!

0:07:48.653,0:07:49.703
Guys...

0:07:49.703,0:07:51.058
(Laughter)

0:07:51.058,0:07:52.315
That's how you read it?

0:07:52.315,0:07:53.998
(Laughter)

0:07:53.998,0:07:57.370
Guys, there are certain words in there

0:07:57.370,0:08:00.656
that if you here or if you see in an email

0:08:00.656,0:08:04.436
it is safe to assume[br]they typed it with their middle fingers.

0:08:04.436,0:08:07.071
(Laughter) (Laughter)

0:08:08.123,0:08:11.834
I didn't know it then. I know it now.

0:08:11.834,0:08:16.543
I think I messed up some people's emails.[br]They're correcting them.

0:08:16.980,0:08:18.795
With all of that said,

0:08:18.795,0:08:23.223
you have to know when it is time[br]to pick up the phone.

0:08:23.223,0:08:26.748
You have to know when it is time[br]to have a face-to-face.

0:08:26.748,0:08:29.694
And these face-to-face[br]conversations are not easy.

0:08:29.694,0:08:33.017
They are difficult,[br]but they are necessary.

0:08:33.017,0:08:36.764
The goal is to try to understand[br]the other person's perspective.

0:08:37.153,0:08:39.932
So you'll start the conversation[br]with things like,

0:08:39.932,0:08:42.157
"OK, you got upset when I..."

0:08:42.157,0:08:43.760
or you'll say things like

0:08:43.760,0:08:46.289
"OK, you already had[br]the situation handled,

0:08:46.289,0:08:48.184
and then I..."

0:08:48.184,0:08:52.441
So that way, you can see[br]exactly where they're coming from.

0:08:52.441,0:08:56.002
Also, don't try to make people like you.

0:08:56.268,0:09:00.016
We all have our own upbringings.[br]We all have our experiences.

0:09:00.016,0:09:03.987
And we all have our own[br]communication styles.

0:09:03.987,0:09:06.960
As the new generations[br]are entering the workforce,

0:09:06.960,0:09:09.189
we're also adapting to it.

0:09:09.189,0:09:11.351
Meetings are now emails.

0:09:11.351,0:09:13.143
Emails are now texts.

0:09:13.143,0:09:15.366
Off-sites are now Skype.

0:09:15.366,0:09:18.617
So as we're adjusting to that,

0:09:18.617,0:09:20.604
we need to at least try to understand

0:09:20.604,0:09:24.480
what type of style[br]of communication they use.

0:09:24.480,0:09:26.477
The goal in that step

0:09:26.477,0:09:29.673
is to really understand[br]their work language

0:09:29.673,0:09:35.123
and accept the fact[br]that it may be different than yours.

0:09:35.123,0:09:37.795
Step 5: recognize and protect,

0:09:37.795,0:09:41.080
also known as,

0:09:41.080,0:09:43.624
we need to take a walk.

0:09:43.851,0:09:48.102
So here's my last scenario[br]from one of my teacher friends.

0:09:48.102,0:09:52.457
You're about to have[br]a meeting with a parent,

0:09:52.457,0:09:56.169
and prior to it you and a coworker,[br]you kind of discuss it,

0:09:56.169,0:09:59.820
and the coworker tells you,[br]"It's all right, I got your back.

0:09:59.820,0:10:02.384
I'm going to agree[br]with your recommendations."

0:10:02.384,0:10:07.200
So you're kind of side-eying them[br]because they've burned you before,

0:10:07.200,0:10:09.686
but you've had the "we need to talk,"

0:10:09.686,0:10:12.972
so you're like, we're in sync now,[br]I'm going to trust them.

0:10:12.972,0:10:14.461
You go through the meeting,

0:10:14.461,0:10:16.028
the parent disagrees with you,

0:10:16.028,0:10:19.964
and like clockwork the coworker[br]agrees with the parent in front of you,

0:10:19.964,0:10:22.509
making you look ridiculous.

0:10:22.509,0:10:25.095
So you just, again, we can't[br]make a scene in front of people, right?

0:10:25.095,0:10:26.507
So you've got to hold it in.

0:10:26.507,0:10:29.028
And then, after the meeting,

0:10:29.028,0:10:32.534
that same coworker has all the audacity,

0:10:32.534,0:10:35.286
comes up to you and says,[br]"Crazy meeting, right?"

0:10:35.286,0:10:38.224
(Laughter)

0:10:38.224,0:10:40.716
Yeah.

0:10:40.716,0:10:41.724
They're testing you now. It's a test.

0:10:41.724,0:10:44.002
So that's the perfect time[br]to just go off, right?

0:10:44.002,0:10:46.042
This is a repeat offender.

0:10:46.042,0:10:49.212
You walked away and they[br]came back with it.

0:10:49.212,0:10:55.124
But we're trying to avoid workplace drama,[br]not take a cannonball leap into it,

0:10:55.355,0:10:58.603
so we have to walk away.

0:10:58.603,0:11:02.512
You lead that conversation[br]by taking the first available exit.

0:11:02.930,0:11:04.729
You're not doing this for them.

0:11:04.729,0:11:06.901
You're doing this for you.

0:11:06.901,0:11:09.562
You have to protect your energy.

0:11:09.562,0:11:12.073
Don't try to figure out[br]why they would do this,

0:11:12.073,0:11:15.330
and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations.

0:11:15.330,0:11:17.961
It is what it is, they did what they did,

0:11:17.961,0:11:22.168
and given the opportunity[br]they'd probably do it again.

0:11:22.168,0:11:23.596
But you now know that.

0:11:23.596,0:11:26.427
You now recognize that.

0:11:26.427,0:11:29.213
So that way, you can act accordingly.

0:11:29.845,0:11:33.580
We typically try to set expectations,

0:11:33.580,0:11:34.900
our expectations,

0:11:34.900,0:11:36.522
on other people,

0:11:36.522,0:11:39.747
and then get disappointed[br]when they don't follow through.

0:11:39.977,0:11:45.967
We have to learn to accept people

0:11:45.967,0:11:46.599
where they are

0:11:46.599,0:11:47.803
and adjust ourselves

0:11:47.803,0:11:50.036
to handle those situations.

0:11:50.978,0:11:52.645
The goal in this step

0:11:52.645,0:11:58.869
is to recognize when it is time[br]to professionally walk away from someone.

0:11:59.865,0:12:05.847
Guys, I realize these steps[br]may come off as saying take the high road,

0:12:05.847,0:12:08.715
and people always say it.[br]"Just take the high road."

0:12:08.715,0:12:12.676
And they describe it as some[br]elegant path of righteousness

0:12:12.676,0:12:14.456
filled with rainbows and unicorns.

0:12:14.456,0:12:16.879
It's not that.

0:12:17.724,0:12:20.129
It's embarrasing.

0:12:20.135,0:12:21.635
It's humiliating.

0:12:21.635,0:12:25.086
It leaves this knot of resentment[br]in the pit of your stomach.

0:12:25.869,0:12:30.685
And as you're traveling down[br]this amazing high road,

0:12:30.685,0:12:33.305
you see billboards of things[br]you should have said,

0:12:33.305,0:12:35.120
and things you shoulda did.

0:12:35.120,0:12:37.052
You go over there[br]and you look at the easy route,

0:12:37.052,0:12:40.479
and they're chilling,[br]not worried about a thing.

0:12:40.479,0:12:42.928
But I have to admit,

0:12:42.928,0:12:47.665
the more I travel down this road,[br]it does get a little easier.

0:12:47.665,0:12:52.581
Petty situations, they don't[br]bother me as much.

0:12:53.424,0:12:56.271
I learn little nuggets here and there,

0:12:56.271,0:12:59.773
and as I continue down this path,

0:13:00.196,0:13:03.520
there seems to be more[br]opportunities waiting for me.

0:13:04.171,0:13:07.359
I have likeminded people[br]who want to connect with me,

0:13:07.359,0:13:11.837
projects that people want me on,

0:13:11.837,0:13:13.956
leaders reaching out[br]because they heard about me

0:13:13.956,0:13:16.476
through someone else.

0:13:16.476,0:13:19.636
And the best part,

0:13:19.636,0:13:22.185
the need to even look at the easy road

0:13:22.185,0:13:24.719
is no longer there.

0:13:24.719,0:13:28.478
Guys, we're not going to change[br]the way adults act in the workplace.

0:13:28.478,0:13:31.379
We are not, and for that reason,

0:13:31.379,0:13:34.513
there will always be workplace drama.

0:13:34.513,0:13:37.530
But if we stick to these steps,

0:13:37.530,0:13:40.647
and put in the work that comes with it,

0:13:40.647,0:13:42.898
we can learn to avoid it.

0:13:42.898,0:13:45.979
Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies,

0:13:45.979,0:13:50.346
and thank you so much for your time.

0:13:50.346,0:13:52.060
(Applause)