WEBVTT

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Alright. I have a close,
tight-knit circle of friends.

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We're all in different cities
and we're all in different areas,

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from local news to city government

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to law, financial services ...

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And despite those different areas,

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we seem to share similar stories
of workplace drama.

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Now, I define workplace drama as

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an annoyance that adds
additional stress to the job.

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So again, it's when people
get on your nerves,

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not the job itself.

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So as we're going through these stories,

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I'm realizing there has to be a better way
for us to coexist with our coworkers

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without this much drama.

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So I created a few steps
that have been working for me,

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and I'm happy to share them
with you guys today.

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Step 1: rewind and reflect,

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also known as, "What did I do?"

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I want you guys to all replay
your most recent workplace drama situation

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in your head like a movie.

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Ignore all of the emotion
and just focus on you.

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But for now, let's just
think about this hypothetical:

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say you're on a group project,

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you each have your own
individual assignments

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and then you all divide up the work.

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But then someone
becomes unresponsive --

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not answering calls, they go ghost.

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Then you or someone else has to now
pick up that additional slack.

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So in a brief, small,
very tiny lapse in judgment,

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you vent to the nearby coworker.

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Then all of a sudden,
your ghost comes back,

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and they surprisingly know
everything you just said.

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(Laughter)

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Now, what did I do in this situation?

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I vented to someone
who was not my confidant.

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Why would I do that?

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Sometimes we create
this unspoken bond with people

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that only exists in our heads.

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They don't owe me their discretion.

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I just assumed it was there.

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So we're not going to go
down a rabbit hole,

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trying to figure out why they did that.

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It doesn't matter. They did it.

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But the goal in this step
is self-reflection.

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We need to focus on what did we do

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so we can avoid it in the future.

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Step 2: come back to reality,

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also known as, "It needs to stop."

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(Laughter)

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So you guys ever think about problems
before you get to work?

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Oh -- it's just me?

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(Laughter)

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Well, I'm guilty of it.

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I think about all of these
situations in my head,

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and then I get mad just thinking about it.

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So I'm telling myself,
"No, you're just being prepared, Stacy."

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(Laughter)

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"You are just making sure
that you can handle

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whatever they're about to throw at you."

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But you're not.

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What you're really doing
is setting yourself up

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and creating this anxiety in your head

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that doesn't exist.

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Then we also have to be careful about

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listening to other people's
made-up scenarios.

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Here's what I mean.

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Let's say you're in the break room,

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and you're talking to some coworkers.

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Then, all of a sudden,
another coworker comes in.

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Now, they seem to just be
in deep thought --

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not overly cheerful, but they're not rude.

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They come in, they walk out.

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Then the coworkers over here
begin to diagnose

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what they feel is wrong
with that person.

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They're saying things like,

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"Oh, they're just mad
they didn't get the job."

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Or they're saying, "Oh, no, no, no --

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during this season,
they're just always upset."

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And you're sitting here
like, yep, that must be it.

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You're listening to this
as if this is facts.

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Meanwhile, this coworker
can be in deep thought

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about literally anything.

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They could have just opened
a pack of Starburst,

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got four yellows back-to-back,

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and they're just trying
to figure out what happened.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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But you're over here listening.

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And you're listening
to their made-up scenario

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that now can impact

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how you choose to interact
with that person throughout the day.

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Whether we're creating
fake stories in our head

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or listening to other people's
made-up stories,

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it needs to stop.

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The goal in this step:

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stop stressing over things
that haven't happened.

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Alright. Step 3:

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vent and release.

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It's good to have a vent buddy.

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This is your coach, your cheerleader,

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your therapist,

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whatever you need them
to be in the moment.

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This is not like that person in Step 1
that just happened to be in earshot.

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You have an established relationship
with your vent buddy.

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Now, here's another scenario.

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You're getting ready to tell
a customer or a client

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something that they
just don't want to hear.

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So, as you're in the middle of this spiel,

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up comes another coworker,

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and they interrupt you

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and then says the exact
same thing you were saying.

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You can't make a scene
in front of a customer.

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So you just have to sit back,
"Mm-hmm," and just listen as they do this.

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And you're burning up inside.

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So what do we do?

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We go to our vent buddy.

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We talk about it. We get mad.

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And that's the time for that. Get mad.

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Get angry.

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Curse, scream,

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do whatever you need to do
to get it out.

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Now here's the hard part:

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you then have to switch
that tone to positivity.

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I truly believe in positive
and negative energy,

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and it has a way of controlling
our moods throughout the day.

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You've got to think of things like,
"OK, where do I go from here?

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What can I do differently?"

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And then, if you're the vent buddy,

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it's your responsibility
to lead your friend back to the positive.

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Now, the other hard part:

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you have to then apply
those learnings to the situation.

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You can't carry that resentment around.

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If you do, that one-off situation
now becomes a pattern.

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Pattern behavior is harder to ignore
than a one-off situation.

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The goal in this step is,

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"Let's turn our vent session
into a productive conversation."

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Step 4:

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learn a new language,

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also known as, "We need to talk."

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Guys, I personally don't like
to pick up the phone at work.

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I just don't.

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I feel like whatever you need to say to me
can be an instant message

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or an email.

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That is my work language.

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(Laughter)

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The only problem with that,

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you can't hear tone through an email.

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I read emails the same way I speak,

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so I'm pretty sure I've misinterpreted
some tones before,

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unless I know you.

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So here's an example.

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I'm going to show you guys an email,
and I want you to read it,

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and then I'm going to read it out loud.

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Alright, that was fast enough,
you should have read it.

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(Laughter)

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"Stacy,

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Thank you for reading out about my group.

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At this time, we will not need
any additional support.

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Going forward, if I feel we need help,
I'll ask, you won't have to reach out.

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Per my last email (attached below),

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I've outlined what I do, and what you do,

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so we can avoid this in the future.

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As always, thank you
for your partnership!!"

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Guys ...

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(Laughter)

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That's how you read it?

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(Laughter)

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Guys, there are certain words in there

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that if you hear
or if you see in an email,

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it is safe to assume
they typed it with their middle fingers.

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(Laughter)

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I didn't know it then. I know it now.

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(Laughter)

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I think I messed up some people's emails.
They're correcting them.

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(Laughter)

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With all of that said,

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you have to know when it is time
to pick up the phone.

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You have to know when it is time
to have a face-to-face.

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And these face-to-face
conversations are not easy.

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They are difficult,
but they are necessary.

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The goal is to try to understand
the other person's perspective.

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So you'll start the conversation
with things like,

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"OK, you got upset when I ..."

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Or you'll say things like,

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"OK, you already had
the situation handled,

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and then I ..."

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So that way, you can see
exactly where they're coming from.

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Also, don't try to make people like you.

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We all have our own upbringings.
We all have our experiences.

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And we all have our own
communication styles.

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As the new generations
are entering the workforce,

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we're also adapting to it.

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Meetings are now emails.

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Emails are now texts.

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Off-sites are now Skype.

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So as we're adjusting to that,

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we need to at least try to understand

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what type of style
of communication they use.

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The goal in that step

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is to really understand
their work language

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and accept the fact
that it may be different than yours.

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Step 5: recognize and protect,

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also known as,
"We need to take a walk."

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So here's my last scenario
from one of my teacher friends.

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You're about to have
a meeting with a parent,

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and prior to it, you and a coworker,
you kind of discuss it,

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and the coworker tells you,
"It's alright, I got your back.

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I'm going to agree
with your recommendations."

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So you're kind of side-eyeing them
because they've burned you before,

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but you've had the "we need to talk,"

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so you're like, "We're in sync now,
I'm going to trust them."

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You go through the meeting,

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the parent disagrees with you,

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and like clockwork, the coworker
agrees with the parent in front of you,

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making you look ridiculous.

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Again, we can't make a scene
in front of people, right?

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So you've got to hold it in.

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And then, after the meeting,

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that same coworker has all the audacity,

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comes up to you and says,
"Crazy meeting, right?"

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(Laughter)

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Yeah.

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They're testing you now.
It's a test. (Laughs)

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So that's the perfect time
to just go off, right?

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This is a repeat offender.

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(Laughter)

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You walked away,
and they came back with it.

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But we're trying to avoid workplace drama,
not take a cannonball leap into it,

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so we have to walk away.

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You lead that conversation
by taking the first available exit.

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You're not doing this for them.

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You're doing this for you.

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You have to protect your energy.

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Don't try to figure out
why they would do this,

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and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations.

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It is what it is, they did what they did,

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and given the opportunity,
they'd probably do it again.

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But you now know that.

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You now recognize that.

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So that way, you can act accordingly.

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We typically try to set expectations --
our expectations --

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on other people,

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and then get disappointed
when they don't follow through.

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We have to learn
to accept people where they are

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and adjust ourselves
to handle those situations.

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The goal in this step

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is to recognize when it is time
to professionally walk away from someone.

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Guys, I realize these steps may come off
as saying, "Take the high road."

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And people always say it.
"Just take the high road."

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And they describe it as some
elegant path of righteousness

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filled with rainbows and unicorns.

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It's not that.

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It's embarrassing.

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It's humiliating.

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It leaves this knot of resentment
in the pit of your stomach.

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And as you're traveling down
this amazing high road,

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you see billboards of things
you shoulda said

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and things you shoulda did.

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You go over there
and you look at the easy road,

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and they're chillin',
not worried about a thing.

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But I have to admit,

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the more I travel down this road,
it does get a little easier.

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Petty situations, they don't
bother me as much.

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I learn little nuggets here and there.

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And as I continue down this path,

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there seem to be more
opportunities waiting for me.

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I have like-minded people
who want to connect with me,

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projects that people want me on,

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leaders reaching out

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because they heard about me
through someone else.

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And the best part?

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The need to even look at the easy road

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is no longer there.

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Guys, we're not going to change
the way adults act in the workplace.

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We are not.

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And for that reason,
there will always be workplace drama.

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But if we stick to these steps

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and put in the work that comes with it,

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we can learn to avoid it.

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Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies.

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(Laughter)

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And thank you so much for your time.

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(Applause)