0:00:00.794,0:00:04.015
Alright. I have a close,[br]tight-knit circle of friends.

0:00:04.468,0:00:08.004
We're all in different cities[br]and we're all in different areas,

0:00:08.028,0:00:11.824
from local news to city government

0:00:11.848,0:00:15.476
to law, financial services ...

0:00:15.965,0:00:17.885
And despite those different areas,

0:00:17.909,0:00:21.553
we seem to share similar stories[br]of workplace drama.

0:00:22.232,0:00:24.479
Now, I define workplace drama as

0:00:24.503,0:00:27.539
an annoyance that adds[br]additional stress to the job.

0:00:27.868,0:00:30.055
So again, it's when people[br]get on your nerves,

0:00:30.079,0:00:31.712
not the job itself.

0:00:32.333,0:00:34.326
So as we're going through these stories,

0:00:34.350,0:00:39.130
I'm realizing there has to be a better way[br]for us to coexist with our coworkers

0:00:39.154,0:00:41.343
without this much drama.

0:00:42.250,0:00:45.544
So I created a few steps[br]that have been working for me,

0:00:45.568,0:00:47.872
and I'm happy to share them[br]with you guys today.

0:00:48.495,0:00:49.960
Step 1: rewind and reflect,

0:00:49.984,0:00:54.760
also known as, "What did I do?"

0:00:55.926,0:01:00.125
I want you guys to all replay[br]your most recent workplace drama situation

0:01:00.149,0:01:01.895
in your head like a movie.

0:01:01.919,0:01:05.445
Ignore all of the emotion[br]and just focus on you.

0:01:06.016,0:01:08.628
But for now, let's just[br]think about this hypothetical:

0:01:09.303,0:01:11.359
say you're on a group project,

0:01:11.383,0:01:14.288
you each have your own[br]individual assignments

0:01:14.312,0:01:16.875
and then you all divide up the work.

0:01:17.441,0:01:20.291
But then someone[br]becomes unresponsive --

0:01:20.315,0:01:23.287
not answering calls, they go ghost.

0:01:23.823,0:01:28.386
Then you or someone else has to now[br]pick up that additional slack.

0:01:29.431,0:01:34.660
So in a brief, small,[br]very tiny lapse in judgment,

0:01:34.684,0:01:36.639
you vent to the nearby coworker.

0:01:37.520,0:01:40.026
Then all of a sudden,[br]your ghost comes back,

0:01:40.050,0:01:42.961
and they surprisingly know[br]everything you just said.

0:01:42.985,0:01:44.431
(Laughter)

0:01:44.455,0:01:46.531
Now, what did I do in this situation?

0:01:47.435,0:01:50.191
I vented to someone[br]who was not my confidant.

0:01:50.842,0:01:52.403
Why would I do that?

0:01:52.878,0:01:56.440
Sometimes we create[br]this unspoken bond with people

0:01:56.464,0:01:58.895
that only exists in our heads.

0:01:59.483,0:02:01.912
They don't owe me their discretion.

0:02:01.936,0:02:03.948
I just assumed it was there.

0:02:04.486,0:02:06.548
So we're not going to go[br]down a rabbit hole,

0:02:06.572,0:02:08.472
trying to figure out why they did that.

0:02:08.496,0:02:10.051
It doesn't matter. They did it.

0:02:10.075,0:02:13.762
But the goal in this step[br]is self-reflection.

0:02:13.786,0:02:16.428
We need to focus on what did we do

0:02:16.452,0:02:18.353
so we can avoid it in the future.

0:02:18.935,0:02:22.545
Step 2: come back to reality,

0:02:22.569,0:02:24.983
also known as, "It needs to stop."

0:02:25.007,0:02:26.022
(Laughter)

0:02:27.092,0:02:30.775
So you guys ever think about problems[br]before you get to work?

0:02:31.444,0:02:32.631
Oh -- it's just me?

0:02:32.655,0:02:34.141
(Laughter)

0:02:34.165,0:02:36.246
Well, I'm guilty of it.

0:02:36.270,0:02:39.532
I think about all of these[br]situations in my head,

0:02:39.556,0:02:42.367
and then I get mad just thinking about it.

0:02:43.065,0:02:46.092
So I'm telling myself,[br]"No, you're just being prepared, Stacy."

0:02:46.116,0:02:47.132
(Laughter)

0:02:47.156,0:02:49.262
"You are just making sure[br]that you can handle

0:02:49.286,0:02:51.421
whatever they're about to throw at you."

0:02:52.189,0:02:53.458
But you're not.

0:02:54.060,0:02:56.345
What you're really doing[br]is setting yourself up

0:02:56.369,0:02:59.178
and creating this anxiety in your head

0:02:59.202,0:03:01.294
that doesn't exist.

0:03:02.104,0:03:03.952
Then we also have to be careful about

0:03:03.976,0:03:06.589
listening to other people's[br]made-up scenarios.

0:03:06.613,0:03:08.006
Here's what I mean.

0:03:08.030,0:03:09.713
Let's say you're in the break room,

0:03:09.737,0:03:12.132
and you're talking to some coworkers.

0:03:12.749,0:03:15.706
Then, all of a sudden,[br]another coworker comes in.

0:03:16.040,0:03:18.358
Now, they seem to just be[br]in deep thought --

0:03:18.382,0:03:20.933
not overly cheerful, but they're not rude.

0:03:21.463,0:03:23.579
They come in, they walk out.

0:03:24.280,0:03:27.703
Then the coworkers over here[br]begin to diagnose

0:03:27.727,0:03:30.223
what they feel is wrong[br]with that person.

0:03:30.744,0:03:32.156
They're saying things like,

0:03:32.180,0:03:34.722
"Oh, they're just mad[br]they didn't get the job."

0:03:35.307,0:03:37.092
Or they're saying, "Oh, no, no, no --

0:03:37.116,0:03:39.476
during this season,[br]they're just always upset."

0:03:39.500,0:03:44.154
And you're sitting here[br]like, yep, that must be it.

0:03:44.178,0:03:46.647
You're listening to this[br]as if this is facts.

0:03:47.459,0:03:51.030
Meanwhile, this coworker[br]can be in deep thought

0:03:51.054,0:03:53.444
about literally anything.

0:03:54.041,0:03:56.303
They could have just opened[br]a pack of Starburst,

0:03:56.327,0:03:57.773
got four yellows back-to-back,

0:03:57.797,0:04:00.257
and they're just trying[br]to figure out what happened.

0:04:00.281,0:04:02.612
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:04:02.636,0:04:05.071
But you're over here listening.

0:04:05.706,0:04:08.433
And you're listening[br]to their made-up scenario

0:04:08.457,0:04:09.830
that now can impact

0:04:09.854,0:04:13.102
how you choose to interact[br]with that person throughout the day.

0:04:13.907,0:04:17.598
Whether we're creating[br]fake stories in our head

0:04:17.622,0:04:20.323
or listening to other people's[br]made-up stories,

0:04:20.347,0:04:22.026
it needs to stop.

0:04:22.819,0:04:24.599
The goal in this step:

0:04:24.623,0:04:27.699
stop stressing over things[br]that haven't happened.

0:04:28.783,0:04:31.079
Alright. Step 3:

0:04:32.293,0:04:34.606
vent and release.

0:04:35.537,0:04:37.091
It's good to have a vent buddy.

0:04:37.774,0:04:40.815
This is your coach, your cheerleader,

0:04:40.839,0:04:42.031
your therapist,

0:04:42.055,0:04:45.046
whatever you need them[br]to be in the moment.

0:04:45.070,0:04:48.771
This is not like that person in Step 1[br]that just happened to be in earshot.

0:04:48.795,0:04:52.263
You have an established relationship[br]with your vent buddy.

0:04:52.989,0:04:54.600
Now, here's another scenario.

0:04:56.022,0:04:58.827
You're getting ready to tell[br]a customer or a client

0:04:58.851,0:05:00.946
something that they[br]just don't want to hear.

0:05:01.607,0:05:04.063
So, as you're in the middle of this spiel,

0:05:04.087,0:05:06.548
up comes another coworker,

0:05:06.572,0:05:08.740
and they interrupt you

0:05:08.764,0:05:12.164
and then says the exact[br]same thing you were saying.

0:05:12.799,0:05:14.979
You can't make a scene[br]in front of a customer.

0:05:15.003,0:05:19.932
So you just have to sit back,[br]"Mm-hmm," and just listen as they do this.

0:05:19.956,0:05:21.612
And you're burning up inside.

0:05:22.184,0:05:23.581
So what do we do?

0:05:23.605,0:05:25.221
We go to our vent buddy.

0:05:25.698,0:05:27.951
We talk about it. We get mad.

0:05:27.975,0:05:30.021
And that's the time for that. Get mad.

0:05:30.045,0:05:31.196
Get angry.

0:05:31.220,0:05:32.371
Curse, scream,

0:05:32.395,0:05:35.316
do whatever you need to do[br]to get it out.

0:05:35.973,0:05:37.564
Now here's the hard part:

0:05:38.413,0:05:42.070
you then have to switch[br]that tone to positivity.

0:05:42.729,0:05:46.383
I truly believe in positive[br]and negative energy,

0:05:46.407,0:05:50.098
and it has a way of controlling[br]our moods throughout the day.

0:05:51.083,0:05:55.342
You've got to think of things like,[br]"OK, where do I go from here?

0:05:55.366,0:05:57.169
What can I do differently?"

0:05:57.723,0:05:59.462
And then, if you're the vent buddy,

0:05:59.486,0:06:03.629
it's your responsibility[br]to lead your friend back to the positive.

0:06:04.957,0:06:07.186
Now, the other hard part:

0:06:07.210,0:06:11.045
you have to then apply[br]those learnings to the situation.

0:06:11.496,0:06:13.561
You can't carry that resentment around.

0:06:14.410,0:06:19.655
If you do, that one-off situation[br]now becomes a pattern.

0:06:20.251,0:06:25.051
Pattern behavior is harder to ignore[br]than a one-off situation.

0:06:25.795,0:06:27.661
The goal in this step is,

0:06:27.685,0:06:34.317
"Let's turn our vent session[br]into a productive conversation."

0:06:35.388,0:06:36.739
Step 4:

0:06:37.479,0:06:39.533
learn a new language,

0:06:39.557,0:06:41.878
also known as, "We need to talk."

0:06:43.537,0:06:47.637
Guys, I personally don't like[br]to pick up the phone at work.

0:06:47.661,0:06:48.883
I just don't.

0:06:48.907,0:06:52.162
I feel like whatever you need to say to me[br]can be an instant message

0:06:52.186,0:06:53.340
or an email.

0:06:53.364,0:06:55.101
That is my work language.

0:06:55.125,0:06:56.288
(Laughter)

0:06:56.312,0:06:58.281
The only problem with that,

0:06:58.305,0:07:00.736
you can't hear tone through an email.

0:07:01.424,0:07:05.727
I read emails the same way I speak,

0:07:05.751,0:07:09.368
so I'm pretty sure I've misinterpreted[br]some tones before,

0:07:09.392,0:07:10.622
unless I know you.

0:07:10.974,0:07:12.145
So here's an example.

0:07:12.169,0:07:15.161
I'm going to show you guys an email,[br]and I want you to read it,

0:07:15.185,0:07:17.275
and then I'm going to read it out loud.

0:07:23.599,0:07:26.213
Alright, that was fast enough,[br]you should have read it.

0:07:26.237,0:07:27.251
(Laughter)

0:07:27.275,0:07:28.426
"Stacy,

0:07:28.450,0:07:30.522
Thank you for reaching out about my group.

0:07:30.556,0:07:33.265
At this time, we will not need[br]any additional support.

0:07:33.289,0:07:37.291
Going forward, if I feel we need help,[br]I'll ask, you won't have to reach out.

0:07:37.315,0:07:40.013
Per my last email (attached below),

0:07:40.037,0:07:42.125
I've outlined what I do, and what you do,

0:07:42.149,0:07:44.233
so we can avoid this in the future.

0:07:44.257,0:07:47.044
As always, thank you[br]for your partnership!!"

0:07:48.417,0:07:49.568
Guys ...

0:07:49.592,0:07:50.668
(Laughter)

0:07:50.692,0:07:51.926
That's how you read it?

0:07:51.950,0:07:54.378
(Laughter)

0:07:54.402,0:07:56.754
Guys, there are certain words in there

0:07:56.778,0:08:00.365
that if you hear[br]or if you see in an email,

0:08:00.389,0:08:04.152
it is safe to assume[br]they typed it with their middle fingers.

0:08:04.176,0:08:07.590
(Laughter)

0:08:07.614,0:08:10.381
I didn't know it then. I know it now.

0:08:10.405,0:08:12.557
(Laughter)

0:08:13.070,0:08:16.543
I think I messed up some people's emails.[br]They're correcting them.

0:08:16.567,0:08:17.632
(Laughter)

0:08:17.656,0:08:19.271
With all of that said,

0:08:19.295,0:08:22.793
you have to know when it is time[br]to pick up the phone.

0:08:22.817,0:08:25.947
You have to know when it is time[br]to have a face-to-face.

0:08:26.446,0:08:29.328
And these face-to-face[br]conversations are not easy.

0:08:29.352,0:08:32.153
They are difficult,[br]but they are necessary.

0:08:32.652,0:08:36.543
The goal is to try to understand[br]the other person's perspective.

0:08:36.954,0:08:39.647
So you'll start the conversation[br]with things like,

0:08:39.671,0:08:41.827
"OK, you got upset when I ..."

0:08:41.851,0:08:43.431
Or you'll say things like,

0:08:43.455,0:08:46.074
"OK, you already had[br]the situation handled,

0:08:46.098,0:08:47.707
and then I ..."

0:08:47.731,0:08:51.213
So that way, you can see[br]exactly where they're coming from.

0:08:52.258,0:08:55.524
Also, don't try to make people like you.

0:08:56.069,0:08:59.741
We all have our own upbringings.[br]We all have our experiences.

0:08:59.765,0:09:03.323
And we all have our own[br]communication styles.

0:09:03.987,0:09:06.766
As the new generations[br]are entering the workforce,

0:09:06.790,0:09:08.465
we're also adapting to it.

0:09:08.927,0:09:10.847
Meetings are now emails.

0:09:10.871,0:09:12.880
Emails are now texts.

0:09:12.904,0:09:14.702
Off-sites are now Skype.

0:09:15.647,0:09:17.271
So as we're adjusting to that,

0:09:17.295,0:09:20.103
we need to at least try to understand

0:09:20.127,0:09:23.072
what type of style[br]of communication they use.

0:09:24.019,0:09:26.135
The goal in that step

0:09:26.159,0:09:29.418
is to really understand[br]their work language

0:09:29.442,0:09:33.761
and accept the fact[br]that it may be different than yours.

0:09:35.158,0:09:39.962
Step 5: recognize and protect,

0:09:39.986,0:09:43.034
also known as,[br]"We need to take a walk."

0:09:43.994,0:09:47.029
So here's my last scenario[br]from one of my teacher friends.

0:09:48.759,0:09:52.212
You're about to have[br]a meeting with a parent,

0:09:52.236,0:09:55.811
and prior to it, you and a coworker,[br]you kind of discuss it,

0:09:55.835,0:09:59.020
and the coworker tells you,[br]"It's alright, I got your back.

0:09:59.044,0:10:01.477
I'm going to agree[br]with your recommendations."

0:10:02.154,0:10:06.814
So you're kind of side-eyeing them[br]because they've burned you before,

0:10:06.838,0:10:09.191
but you've had the "we need to talk,"

0:10:09.215,0:10:12.104
so you're like, "We're in sync now,[br]I'm going to trust them."

0:10:12.615,0:10:14.097
You go through the meeting,

0:10:14.121,0:10:15.766
the parent disagrees with you,

0:10:15.790,0:10:19.725
and like clockwork, the coworker[br]agrees with the parent in front of you,

0:10:19.749,0:10:21.678
making you look ridiculous.

0:10:22.151,0:10:24.791
Again, we can't make a scene[br]in front of people, right?

0:10:24.815,0:10:26.203
So you've got to hold it in.

0:10:26.227,0:10:28.758
And then, after the meeting,

0:10:28.782,0:10:32.143
that same coworker has all the audacity,

0:10:32.167,0:10:35.100
comes up to you and says,[br]"Crazy meeting, right?"

0:10:35.124,0:10:37.492
(Laughter)

0:10:37.516,0:10:38.693
Yeah.

0:10:38.717,0:10:41.350
They're testing you now.[br]It's a test. (Laughs)

0:10:41.374,0:10:43.661
So that's the perfect time[br]to just go off, right?

0:10:43.685,0:10:45.208
This is a repeat offender.

0:10:45.232,0:10:46.234
(Laughter)

0:10:46.258,0:10:48.530
You walked away,[br]and they came back with it.

0:10:49.604,0:10:55.723
But we're trying to avoid workplace drama,[br]not take a cannonball leap into it,

0:10:55.747,0:10:57.549
so we have to walk away.

0:10:58.198,0:11:02.107
You lead that conversation[br]by taking the first available exit.

0:11:02.676,0:11:04.326
You're not doing this for them.

0:11:04.814,0:11:06.505
You're doing this for you.

0:11:06.529,0:11:09.037
You have to protect your energy.

0:11:09.672,0:11:11.894
Don't try to figure out[br]why they would do this,

0:11:11.918,0:11:15.031
and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations.

0:11:15.055,0:11:17.496
It is what it is, they did what they did,

0:11:17.520,0:11:20.343
and given the opportunity,[br]they'd probably do it again.

0:11:21.406,0:11:23.029
But you now know that.

0:11:23.688,0:11:26.007
You now recognize that.

0:11:26.031,0:11:28.156
So that way, you can act accordingly.

0:11:29.605,0:11:34.653
We typically try to set expectations --[br]our expectations --

0:11:34.677,0:11:36.193
on other people,

0:11:36.217,0:11:39.151
and then get disappointed[br]when they don't follow through.

0:11:39.881,0:11:45.620
We have to learn[br]to accept people where they are

0:11:45.644,0:11:49.764
and adjust ourselves[br]to handle those situations.

0:11:50.731,0:11:52.668
The goal in this step

0:11:52.692,0:11:58.312
is to recognize when it is time[br]to professionally walk away from someone.

0:12:00.328,0:12:05.515
Guys, I realize these steps may come off[br]as saying, "Take the high road."

0:12:05.539,0:12:08.825
And people always say it.[br]"Just take the high road."

0:12:08.849,0:12:12.325
And they describe it as some[br]elegant path of righteousness

0:12:12.349,0:12:14.565
filled with rainbows and unicorns.

0:12:15.359,0:12:16.678
It's not that.

0:12:18.543,0:12:20.144
It's embarrassing.

0:12:20.168,0:12:21.533
It's humiliating.

0:12:21.557,0:12:25.242
It leaves this knot of resentment[br]in the pit of your stomach.

0:12:26.638,0:12:30.135
And as you're traveling down[br]this amazing high road,

0:12:30.159,0:12:32.907
you see billboards of things[br]you shoulda said

0:12:32.931,0:12:34.803
and things you shoulda did.

0:12:34.827,0:12:37.110
You go over there[br]and you look at the easy road,

0:12:37.134,0:12:39.473
and they're chillin',[br]not worried about a thing.

0:12:40.536,0:12:42.801
But I have to admit,

0:12:42.825,0:12:47.060
the more I travel down this road,[br]it does get a little easier.

0:12:48.219,0:12:51.857
Petty situations, they don't[br]bother me as much.

0:12:52.638,0:12:55.461
I learn little nuggets here and there.

0:12:56.585,0:12:59.138
And as I continue down this path,

0:13:00.108,0:13:03.220
there seem to be more[br]opportunities waiting for me.

0:13:03.845,0:13:07.468
I have like-minded people[br]who want to connect with me,

0:13:07.492,0:13:10.340
projects that people want me on,

0:13:10.364,0:13:11.637
leaders reaching out

0:13:11.661,0:13:14.690
because they heard about me[br]through someone else.

0:13:16.579,0:13:18.284
And the best part?

0:13:18.878,0:13:21.809
The need to even look at the easy road

0:13:21.833,0:13:23.256
is no longer there.

0:13:24.552,0:13:28.053
Guys, we're not going to change[br]the way adults act in the workplace.

0:13:28.077,0:13:29.436
We are not.

0:13:29.460,0:13:33.881
And for that reason,[br]there will always be workplace drama.

0:13:34.912,0:13:37.159
But if we stick to these steps

0:13:37.183,0:13:40.394
and put in the work that comes with it,

0:13:40.418,0:13:42.569
we can learn to avoid it.

0:13:43.172,0:13:45.543
Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies.

0:13:45.567,0:13:46.837
(Laughter)

0:13:46.861,0:13:49.023
And thank you so much for your time.

0:13:49.047,0:13:52.601
(Applause)