0:00:00.789,0:00:01.789
-Hey, what's up, you guys?

0:00:01.789,0:00:03.877
Welcome to the first official episode of Shane & Friends.

0:00:03.877,0:00:06.284
A show where all my characters have their own little segments.

0:00:06.284,0:00:08.858
So I hope you guys enjoy it and I will see you after the video.

0:00:08.858,0:00:11.866
-You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends

0:00:11.866,0:00:14.118
Where the excitement never ends

0:00:14.118,0:00:16.161
So open your ears, sit down and relax

0:00:16.161,0:00:18.669
Or Shanaynay will bust a f--kin' cap in your ass

0:00:18.669,0:00:20.201
[gunshot]

0:00:20.201,0:00:21.994
-Hey, all you gutter-sluts and bubble-butts.

0:00:21.994,0:00:24.367
I am here with your Halloween episode.

0:00:24.367,0:00:27.576
-These are Shanayanay'z Tipz, motherf-----

0:00:27.576,0:00:31.254
-Now, a lot of you guys are probably wondering what you are gonna be for Halloween.

0:00:31.254,0:00:33.205
I was going to be Lindsay Lohan,

0:00:33.205,0:00:35.832
but I decided to change it to Lady Gaga.

0:00:35.832,0:00:39.142
To help me today, I have my BFF Kristen.

0:00:39.142,0:00:40.142
-I don't even know you.

0:00:40.142,0:00:42.284
-Hahaha, she's funny.

0:00:42.284,0:00:44.022
Do you want twenty bucks or not, bitch?

0:00:44.022,0:00:45.894
-Besties!

0:00:45.894,0:00:49.270
-Now we all know Lady Gaga is extremely white,

0:00:49.270,0:00:52.679
kind of like one of them bubbles-bitches that's allergic to the sun and doesn't leave her house.

0:00:52.679,0:00:53.715
So to achieve this look,

0:00:53.715,0:00:57.168
you need a high-quality organic face makeup.

0:00:57.168,0:01:00.534
Now that can be really expensive, which is why I use vagina powder.

0:01:00.534,0:01:05.109
Now, this will sting, so make sure to close your eyes,

0:01:05.109,0:01:07.942
and it's extremely toxic, so cover your mouth,

0:01:07.942,0:01:10.682
because if you swallow it, you're gonna need your little tummy pumped.

0:01:10.682,0:01:12.434
All right, here we go.

0:01:12.434,0:01:15.604
Here comes Gaga.

0:01:17.219,0:01:19.505
-[coughs]

0:01:19.505,0:01:20.505
-Oh, missed a spot.

0:01:20.505,0:01:22.988
It's all over my hands, yuck.

0:01:22.988,0:01:26.425
Now, Gaga likes to wear a dark-black lipstick,

0:01:26.425,0:01:27.425
'cause she thinks it makes her look creative,

0:01:27.425,0:01:31.440
when, in all reality, it just looks like she's been munchin' on some really old dog shit.

0:01:31.440,0:01:33.019
Now, to achieve this look,

0:01:33.019,0:01:37.013
you need a waterproof black lipstick shade that doesn't permanently stain your mouth,

0:01:37.013,0:01:39.208
so I've decided to use an extra-thick Sharpie marker.

0:01:39.208,0:01:44.890
Now, remember this is extremely toxic and the fuse may make you high,

0:01:44.890,0:01:46.027
so...you're welcome.

0:01:46.027,0:01:48.467
And...done.

0:01:48.467,0:01:52.745
Now, Lady Gaga likes to wear lightning bolts on her face,

0:01:52.745,0:01:56.088
kind of like God was mad at her for making horrible dance music and zapped her ass.

0:01:56.088,0:02:00.266
So I decided to go for a more intense look and burn it into her face.

0:02:00.266,0:02:03.542
[flame whooshes]

0:02:03.542,0:02:04.845
[scream, test-tone]

0:02:04.845,0:02:07.478
Whoo, done.

0:02:07.478,0:02:10.403
Now that that's done,

0:02:10.403,0:02:12.634
remember, your friend might pass out from all the pain.

0:02:12.634,0:02:14.138
Hello?

0:02:14.138,0:02:15.441
Called it!

0:02:15.441,0:02:18.298
Now remember kids, you snooze you lose.

0:02:18.298,0:02:19.586
Let's go through these pockets.

0:02:19.586,0:02:21.291
Ooh, an iPhone 4.

0:02:21.291,0:02:22.803
Face time.

0:02:22.803,0:02:27.207
Ooh, is that a big thick money-filled wallet or are you just happy to see me?

0:02:27.207,0:02:29.119
Oh, wallet.

0:02:29.119,0:02:30.790
Now the final piece is the wig.

0:02:30.790,0:02:35.965
Lady Gaga likes to wear an all-human natural hairpiece that costs up to $500.

0:02:35.965,0:02:37.524
Now that's a little pricey,

0:02:37.524,0:02:40.403
so I've decided to go to the thrift store and get a merkin.

0:02:40.403,0:02:41.681
If you don't know what a merkin is,

0:02:41.681,0:02:44.444
it's an all-natural wig made out of pubic hair.

0:02:44.444,0:02:47.230
This one is from a 55-year-old named Barb.

0:02:47.230,0:02:49.877
She's been growing it out her whole life.

0:02:49.877,0:02:54.282
Whoo, smells like Gaga.

0:02:54.282,0:02:56.555
Hurry up, we gotta get you to the monster ball.

0:02:57.447,0:02:59.965
So there you go.

0:02:59.965,0:03:03.066
Whether you're looking for a bad romance

0:03:03.066,0:03:04.544
or want to "just dance",

0:03:04.544,0:03:06.249
you're gonna love the way you look.

0:03:06.249,0:03:08.054
[body thuds]

0:03:08.054,0:03:10.226
Haha!

0:03:10.226,0:03:11.658
-Ned's Nerd World, Ned's Nerd World

0:03:11.658,0:03:13.736
It's time to get techy in Ned's World

0:03:13.736,0:03:15.407
-Hello, citizens.

0:03:15.407,0:03:17.509
Welcome to Ned's Nerd World,

0:03:17.509,0:03:20.063
a show where I'll be talking about everything nerdy.

0:03:20.063,0:03:22.571
Today I'm gonna be reviewing Magic Panda.

0:03:22.571,0:03:24.011
-Hello, Ned!

0:03:24.011,0:03:25.636
-Hello, Panda.

0:03:25.636,0:03:27.273
-How are you doing today?

0:03:27.273,0:03:29.072
-Great, and how are you?

0:03:29.072,0:03:30.072
-Eh...

0:03:30.072,0:03:31.766
-This little baby's psychic.

0:03:31.766,0:03:34.227
You ask it a question and it knows the answer.

0:03:34.227,0:03:35.830
Let's try a few testers, shall we?

0:03:35.830,0:03:37.989
Is my name Ned?

0:03:37.989,0:03:38.989
-Yes.

0:03:38.989,0:03:39.989
-Is my hair brown?

0:03:39.989,0:03:40.989
-Yes.

0:03:40.989,0:03:42.076
-Am I well-endowed?

0:03:42.076,0:03:43.076
-No.

0:03:43.076,0:03:44.076
-It works.

0:03:44.076,0:03:45.557
All right, now let's get to some juicy stuff, shall we?

0:03:45.557,0:03:47.663
Hey Panda, am I gonna get married?

0:03:47.663,0:03:48.779
-Yes.

0:03:48.779,0:03:50.027
-To a supermodel?

0:03:50.027,0:03:52.929
-[cackles] No.

0:03:52.929,0:03:54.248
-Well, am I gonna be rich?

0:03:54.248,0:03:55.248
-No.

0:03:55.264,0:03:56.264
-Middle-class.

0:03:56.264,0:03:57.264
-No.

0:03:57.264,0:03:58.264
-Poor?

0:03:58.264,0:03:59.264
-Nope.

0:03:59.264,0:04:00.264
-Well, what the hell is left?

0:04:00.264,0:04:01.264
-Homeless.

0:04:01.264,0:04:02.264
-I'm gonna be living in my car?

0:04:02.264,0:04:03.340
-No.

0:04:03.340,0:04:04.443
-Then where am I gonna be living?

0:04:04.443,0:04:05.443
-On a bike.

0:04:05.443,0:04:06.596
-A bike?

0:04:06.596,0:04:07.596
I don't even know how to ride a bike.

0:04:07.596,0:04:08.596
-You'll learn.

0:04:08.596,0:04:10.226
-Am I at least gonna be in good health?

0:04:10.226,0:04:13.635
-No, you're morbidly obese and HIV-positive.

0:04:13.635,0:04:16.395
-Does anything good happen to me, Panda?

0:04:16.395,0:04:24.661
-[cackling]

0:04:25.876,0:04:31.271
[Panda groans and screams]

0:04:36.579,0:04:39.234
-[pants]

0:04:42.511,0:04:44.212
Whoo.

0:04:44.212,0:04:47.788
I give that motherfucker a 0 out of 5 stars.

0:04:48.911,0:04:52.108
-This is S-Deezy's G-Spot

0:04:52.108,0:04:54.515
You better take his advice or your ass will get shot

0:04:54.515,0:04:57.401
-Yo, yo, yo.

0:04:57.401,0:04:59.909
Welcome to the G-Spot with me, S-Deezy.

0:04:59.909,0:05:03.306
Man, this show is all about teaching you how to be a betta man, a betta lova,

0:05:03.306,0:05:05.900
and an all-around betta mothafugga like myself.

0:05:05.900,0:05:09.429
So in this episode, I'm gonna teach you how to pick up a bitch in a bar.

0:05:09.429,0:05:10.962
Man, this one's easy.

0:05:10.962,0:05:12.130
You just walk up to that bitch and you like,

0:05:12.130,0:05:13.330
"Yo, bitch!

0:05:13.330,0:05:15.652
I like yo' titties, suck my dick, you want a drizzank?"

0:05:15.652,0:05:19.042
-Hey Deezy, we actually got a girl for you to demonstrate on.

0:05:19.042,0:05:20.042
-What?

0:05:20.042,0:05:21.921
Yo, man.

0:05:21.921,0:05:25.822
When I told you to find a bitch, I didn't really think you was gonna find one,

0:05:25.822,0:05:27.473
but yeah man, bring her in though.

0:05:27.473,0:05:28.473
Yeah, that's cool.

0:05:28.473,0:05:29.538
The more the merrier, right?

0:05:29.538,0:05:32.721
-Hey, S-Deezy.

0:05:32.721,0:05:35.629
I am such a huge fan.

0:05:35.629,0:05:36.629
-You is?

0:05:36.629,0:05:39.707
I mean, yo man, of course you is.

0:05:39.707,0:05:42.514
Every bitch wants a piece of the Dee!

0:05:42.514,0:05:43.514
Ha...ha.

0:05:43.514,0:05:46.626
So, uh, you just walk up to this bitch and you're like,

0:05:46.626,0:05:47.796
"Yo, bitch.

0:05:47.796,0:05:50.110
You want me to buy you a drizzank?"

0:05:50.110,0:05:51.132
-I would love that.

0:05:51.132,0:05:55.358
-[gasps] Oh, Pikachu!

0:05:55.358,0:05:57.169
-Oh, my God.

0:05:57.169,0:05:58.392
Did you just cum?

0:05:58.392,0:05:59.662
-[chuckles nervously]

0:05:59.662,0:06:01.210
What?

0:06:01.210,0:06:02.236
No man, no I--

0:06:02.236,0:06:04.041
Man, you was all like--hoo--

0:06:04.041,0:06:05.621
and I was like--blar--

0:06:05.621,0:06:06.882
and, uh, uh...

0:06:06.882,0:06:09.149
[gunshots]

0:06:11.949,0:06:13.767
-Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my God

0:06:13.767,0:06:17.024
Oh, my, it's Ask Paris

0:06:17.024,0:06:19.368
-Hey, what's up you guys?

0:06:19.368,0:06:22.200
Me and Tinkerbell are gonna give you advice,

0:06:22.200,0:06:24.129
so ask me whatever questions you want.

0:06:24.129,0:06:26.612
-Dear Paris Hilton,

0:06:26.612,0:06:28.508
where do these herpes come from?

0:06:28.508,0:06:31.163
-Well, let's be honest,

0:06:31.163,0:06:33.207
you didn't get them from a girl,

0:06:33.207,0:06:34.692
so I'm guessing a toilet seat.

0:06:34.692,0:06:37.108
-Dear Paris,

0:06:37.108,0:06:39.505
I always here you say the phrase "That's hot"

0:06:39.505,0:06:43.516
but what exactly is the--"that" referring to?

0:06:43.516,0:06:44.753
-Not you.

0:06:44.753,0:06:47.060
-Dear Paris Hilton,

0:06:47.060,0:06:50.937
I need the money for some fancy editing software for my Mac.

0:06:50.937,0:06:53.310
How can I get that money simple and quick?

0:06:53.310,0:06:59.260
-I will personally send you a check for 2 million dollars

0:06:59.260,0:07:02.068
if you shave your head and send me the hair so I can give it to Tinkerbell as a fuck buddy.

0:07:02.068,0:07:04.675
-It's Ask Paris

0:07:04.675,0:07:07.619
-Say bye, Tinkerbell.

0:07:07.619,0:07:09.616
Bye, everybody.

0:07:09.616,0:07:13.888
You should probably lose some weight because you look chubby in those pants.

0:07:13.888,0:07:15.538
I didn't say it, Tinkerbell did. [laughs]

0:07:15.538,0:07:19.460
-If your life is a major bum

0:07:19.491,0:07:21.783
Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom

0:07:22.537,0:07:28.192
-Suicide attempts are successful 60% of the time for teenagers.

0:07:28.192,0:07:32.232
It would be 100% if you guys weren't a bunch of fucking idiots.

0:07:32.232,0:07:35.092
It's down the river, not across the street, you retards.

0:07:35.092,0:07:36.663
Happy killings.

0:07:36.663,0:07:40.340
-Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show

0:07:40.340,0:07:44.399
-Oh, well hello, boys and girls.

0:07:44.399,0:07:46.117
How are you doing today?

0:07:46.117,0:07:48.997
Hopefully not depressed and not down as contemplating suicide.

0:07:48.997,0:07:50.994
You don't want to be the next Hilary Duff.

0:07:50.994,0:07:54.112
What? She's not dead yet?

0:07:54.112,0:07:55.482
Even after Material Girls?

0:07:55.482,0:07:57.387
Wow, she is a fighter.

0:07:57.387,0:07:59.660
Good for you, H. Duff.

0:07:59.660,0:08:00.964
Who are we talking about again?

0:08:00.964,0:08:02.067
Oh yeah, cooking.

0:08:02.067,0:08:04.273
So today, we're gonna make cookies.

0:08:04.273,0:08:06.880
Now a lot of people like to cut their cookies into things

0:08:06.880,0:08:08.641
like hearts or stars or horseshoes

0:08:08.641,0:08:09.641
or other gay shit like that.

0:08:09.641,0:08:13.656
I like to use something that really makes my mouth water:

0:08:13.656,0:08:14.724
a penis.

0:08:14.724,0:08:16.907
Now boys, don't feel left out.

0:08:16.907,0:08:18.765
You can make vagina cookies.

0:08:18.765,0:08:21.822
Just be sure not to make the lips too thin or else you'll burn the whole thing

0:08:21.822,0:08:23.526
and you don't want a Tyra cookie.

0:08:23.526,0:08:28.424
After only six hours in the oven at 875 degrees,

0:08:28.424,0:08:29.910
our penis is ready.

0:08:29.910,0:08:31.907
Take a look at that dick.

0:08:31.907,0:08:33.486
Damn.

0:08:33.486,0:08:34.694
If I was a cookie woman,

0:08:34.694,0:08:37.465
I'd shove it in my cookie vagina and fuck the shit out of it.

0:08:37.465,0:08:40.406
Now it's time to ice your penis.

0:08:40.406,0:08:42.913
Now, I like to use a color like purple or pink,

0:08:42.913,0:08:45.189
'cause if you make it too realistic, it's disturbing.

0:08:45.189,0:08:46.924
And here it is.

0:08:46.924,0:08:48.462
Looks like Barney's dick, right?

0:08:48.462,0:08:50.855
[gasps] We should sing a song.

0:08:50.855,0:08:52.674
I love you

0:08:52.674,0:08:55.281
You love me

0:08:55.281,0:08:59.725
Let's get together and eat cookies

0:08:59.725,0:09:01.398
That look like penises

0:09:01.398,0:09:03.579
Balls, cunts, and butts

0:09:03.579,0:09:06.779
Let's all eat some after lunch

0:09:06.779,0:09:08.250
See you later, kids!

0:09:10.712,0:09:13.999
Eww, God! It tastes like shit!

0:09:13.999,0:09:18.077
-Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day

0:09:18.077,0:09:20.484
-All right, you guys, here's my question of the day.

0:09:20.484,0:09:22.857
If you had to describe yourself in one word,

0:09:22.857,0:09:23.857
what would it be?

0:09:23.857,0:09:25.030
Mine would be abnormal.

0:09:25.030,0:09:27.217
Do even I have to explain? Really?

0:09:27.217,0:09:29.008
So leave your answers, a comment or video response,

0:09:29.008,0:09:31.722
and I'll be picking one random person to get a

0:09:31.722,0:09:33.951
Shane Dawson Hot Topic shirt, yay.

0:09:33.951,0:09:34.951
So I hope you guys enjoyed the show.

0:09:34.951,0:09:36.459
It was so much fun to make.

0:09:36.459,0:09:37.991
I'll try to make one every other week.

0:09:37.991,0:09:40.034
And thank you to the Fine Bros. who helped me write and direct it,

0:09:40.034,0:09:41.375
Charlie Puth, who created all the music

0:09:41.375,0:09:44.049
and Cybertoons, who created all that crazy-ass animations.

0:09:44.049,0:09:46.629
All right, I love all you crazy motherfuckers

0:09:46.629,0:09:47.790
and I will see you next week.

0:09:47.790,0:09:48.790
[gunshot]

0:09:48.790,0:09:51.366
-Got a little advice from Shane & Friends

0:09:51.366,0:09:52.713
Hit the thumbs up button

0:09:52.713,0:09:58.991
Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you

0:09:58.991,0:10:01.364
-Ooh, missed a spot. [Captioned by SpongeSebastian]