WEBVTT

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-Hey, what's up, you guys?

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Welcome to the first official episode of Shane & Friends.

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A show where all my characters have their own little segments.

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So I hope you guys enjoy it and I will see you after the video.

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-You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends

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Where the excitement never ends

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So open your ears, sit down and relax

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Or Shanaynay will bust a f--kin' cap in your ass

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[gunshot]

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-Hey, all you gutter-sluts and bubble-butts.

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I am here with your Halloween episode.

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-These are Shanayanay'z Tipz, motherf-----

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-Now, a lot of you guys are probably wondering what you are gonna be for Halloween.

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I was going to be Lindsay Lohan,

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but I decided to change it to Lady Gaga.

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To help me today, I have my BFF Kristen.

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-I don't even know you.

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-Hahaha, she's funny.

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Do you want twenty bucks or not, bitch?

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-Besties!

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-Now we all know Lady Gaga is extremely white,

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kind of like one of them bubbles-bitches that's allergic to the sun and doesn't leave her house.

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So to achieve this look,

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you need a high-quality organic face makeup.

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Now that can be really expensive, which is why I use vagina powder.

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Now, this will sting, so make sure to close your eyes,

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and it's extremely toxic, so cover your mouth,

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because if you swallow it, you're gonna need your little tummy pumped.

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All right, here we go.

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Here comes Gaga.

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-[coughs]

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-Oh, missed a spot.

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It's all over my hands, yuck.

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Now, Gaga likes to wear a dark-black lipstick,

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'cause she thinks it makes her look creative,

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when, in all reality, it just looks like she's been munchin' on some really old dog shit.

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Now, to achieve this look,

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you need a waterproof black lipstick shade that doesn't permanently stain your mouth,

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so I've decided to use an extra-thick Sharpie marker.

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Now, remember this is extremely toxic and the fuse may make you high,

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so...you're welcome.

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And...done.

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Now, Lady Gaga likes to wear lightning bolts on her face,

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kind of like God was mad at her for making horrible dance music and zapped her ass.

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So I decided to go for a more intense look and burn it into her face.

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[flame whooshes]

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[scream, test-tone]

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Whoo, done.

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Now that that's done,

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remember, your friend might pass out from all the pain.

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Hello?

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Called it!

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Now remember kids, you snooze you lose.

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Let's go through these pockets.

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Ooh, an iPhone 4.

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Face time.

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Ooh, is that a big thick money-filled wallet or are you just happy to see me?

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Oh, wallet.

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Now the final piece is the wig.

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Lady Gaga likes to wear an all-human natural hairpiece that costs up to $500.

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Now that's a little pricey,

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so I've decided to go to the thrift store and get a merkin.

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If you don't know what a merkin is,

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it's an all-natural wig made out of pubic hair.

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This one is from a 55-year-old named Barb.

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She's been growing it out her whole life.

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Whoo, smells like Gaga.

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Hurry up, we gotta get you to the monster ball.

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So there you go.

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Whether you're looking for a bad romance

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or want to "just dance",

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you're gonna love the way you look.

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[body thuds]

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Haha!

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-Ned's Nerd World, Ned's Nerd World

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It's time to get techy in Ned's World

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-Hello, citizens.

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Welcome to Ned's Nerd World,

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a show where I'll be talking about everything nerdy.

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Today I'm gonna be reviewing Magic Panda.

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-Hello, Ned!

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-Hello, Panda.

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-How are you doing today?

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-Great, and how are you?

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-Eh...

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-This little baby's psychic.

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You ask it a question and it knows the answer.

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Let's try a few testers, shall we?

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Is my name Ned?

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-Yes.

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-Is my hair brown?

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-Yes.

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-Am I well-endowed?

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-No.

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-It works.

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All right, now let's get to some juicy stuff, shall we?

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Hey Panda, am I gonna get married?

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-Yes.

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-To a supermodel?

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-[cackles] No.

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-Well, am I gonna be rich?

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-No.

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-Middle-class.

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-No.

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-Poor?

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-Nope.

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-Well, what the hell is left?

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-Homeless.

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-I'm gonna be living in my car?

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-No.

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-Then where am I gonna be living?

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-On a bike.

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-A bike?

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I don't even know how to ride a bike.

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-You'll learn.

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-Am I at least gonna be in good health?

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-No, you're morbidly obese and HIV-positive.

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-Does anything good happen to me, Panda?

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-[cackling]

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[Panda groans and screams]

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-[pants]

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Whoo.

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I give that motherfucker a 0 out of 5 stars.

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-This is S-Deezy's G-Spot

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You better take his advice or your ass will get shot

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-Yo, yo, yo.

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Welcome to the G-Spot with me, S-Deezy.

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Man, this show is all about teaching you how to be a betta man, a betta lova,

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and an all-around betta mothafugga like myself.

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So in this episode, I'm gonna teach you how to pick up a bitch in a bar.

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Man, this one's easy.

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You just walk up to that bitch and you like,

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"Yo, bitch!

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I like yo' titties, suck my dick, you want a drizzank?"

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-Hey Deezy, we actually got a girl for you to demonstrate on.

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-What?

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Yo, man.

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When I told you to find a bitch, I didn't really think you was gonna find one,

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but yeah man, bring her in though.

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Yeah, that's cool.

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The more the merrier, right?

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-Hey, S-Deezy.

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I am such a huge fan.

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-You is?

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I mean, yo man, of course you is.

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Every bitch wants a piece of the Dee!

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Ha...ha.

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So, uh, you just walk up to this bitch and you're like,

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"Yo, bitch.

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You want me to buy you a drizzank?"

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-I would love that.

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-[gasps] Oh, Pikachu!

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-Oh, my God.

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Did you just cum?

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-[chuckles nervously]

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What?

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No man, no I--

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Man, you was all like--hoo--

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and I was like--blar--

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and, uh, uh...

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[gunshots]

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-Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my God

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Oh, my, it's Ask Paris

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-Hey, what's up you guys?

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Me and Tinkerbell are gonna give you advice,

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so ask me whatever questions you want.

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-Dear Paris Hilton,

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where do these herpes come from?

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-Well, let's be honest,

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you didn't get them from a girl,

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so I'm guessing a toilet seat.

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-Dear Paris,

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I always here you say the phrase "That's hot"

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but what exactly is the--"that" referring to?

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-Not you.

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-Dear Paris Hilton,

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I need the money for some fancy editing software for my Mac.

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How can I get that money simple and quick?

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-I will personally send you a check for 2 million dollars

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if you shave your head and send me the hair so I can give it to Tinkerbell as a fuck buddy.

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-It's Ask Paris

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-Say bye, Tinkerbell.

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Bye, everybody.

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You should probably lose some weight because you look chubby in those pants.

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I didn't say it, Tinkerbell did. [laughs]

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-If your life is a major bum

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Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom

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-Suicide attempts are successful 60% of the time for teenagers.

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It would be 100% if you guys weren't a bunch of fucking idiots.

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It's down the river, not across the street, you retards.

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Happy killings.

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-Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show

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-Oh, well hello, boys and girls.

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How are you doing today?

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Hopefully not depressed and not down as contemplating suicide.

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You don't want to be the next Hilary Duff.

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What? She's not dead yet?

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Even after Material Girls?

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Wow, she is a fighter.

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Good for you, H. Duff.

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Who are we talking about again?

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Oh yeah, cooking.

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So today, we're gonna make cookies.

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Now a lot of people like to cut their cookies into things

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like hearts or stars or horseshoes

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or other gay shit like that.

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I like to use something that really makes my mouth water:

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a penis.

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Now boys, don't feel left out.

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You can make vagina cookies.

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Just be sure not to make the lips too thin or else you'll burn the whole thing

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and you don't want a Tyra cookie.

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After only six hours in the oven at 875 degrees,

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our penis is ready.

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Take a look at that dick.

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Damn.

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If I was a cookie woman,

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I'd shove it in my cookie vagina and fuck the shit out of it.

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Now it's time to ice your penis.

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Now, I like to use a color like purple or pink,

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'cause if you make it too realistic, it's disturbing.

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And here it is.

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Looks like Barney's dick, right?

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[gasps] We should sing a song.

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I love you

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You love me

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Let's get together and eat cookies

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That look like penises

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Balls, cunts, and butts

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Let's all eat some after lunch

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See you later, kids!

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Eww, God! It tastes like shit!

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-Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day

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-All right, you guys, here's my question of the day.

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If you had to describe yourself in one word,

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what would it be?

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Mine would be abnormal.

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Do even I have to explain? Really?

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So leave your answers, a comment or video response,

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and I'll be picking one random person to get a

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Shane Dawson Hot Topic shirt, yay.

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So I hope you guys enjoyed the show.

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It was so much fun to make.

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I'll try to make one every other week.

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And thank you to the Fine Bros. who helped me write and direct it,

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Charlie Puth, who created all the music

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and Cybertoons, who created all that crazy-ass animations.

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All right, I love all you crazy motherfuckers

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and I will see you next week.

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[gunshot]

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-Got a little advice from Shane & Friends

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Hit the thumbs up button

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Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you

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-Ooh, missed a spot. [Captioned by SpongeSebastian]