Even if you don’t understand
you can still support us.
Our identity is legitimate, it exists.
Non-binary Stories
I’m Cami, I’m 22, I am non-binary.
and I’m here to discuss being non-binary.
Non-binary is an umbrella term
for all gender identities
that are neither exclusively masculine or feminine,
which could be agender,
where “a” means no gender, neutral,
or it could be all gender-fluid identities.
So if you imagine gender as a spectrum between masculine and feminine
you can have a curseur which moves around all gender fluid people
demi-gender, pangender, etc.
I never identified with femininity
at 18, I already started
to question my gender identity
and I met a trans man
who I dated for a while
and we were able to label my identity
which is non-binary.
And I think that because he was more informed
he could help me find the words for my identity.
Gender identity is who you are.
it’s the gender we feel,
that we live, we experience.
And gender expression is what we show to others,
it’s the way we express this identity.
So you can have a gender identity,
for example, masculine, so you’re a man,
and you can have a feminine gender expression
with stereotypically feminine markers
like Bilal Hassani, who is a man
with a feminine gender expression.
I told my parents I was non-binary
and that I wanted to change my name at the same time.
I was 20, so 2 years ago.
My mom took it well.
She was already knowledgeable about gender issues.
She had a deconstructed view of gender
and was a safe space. I felt safe.
My dad was a bit trickier.
It took me longer to tell him
and I didn’t do it in person.
I sent him a message, it was easier for me.
He reacted well.
He said he didn’t totally understand but he supported me regardless
and it didn’t change anything for him. He loved me the same.
For my grandma, it was a bit less clear
because the topic was foreign to her.
She grew up in the countryside, then moved to Paris.
She lived with my grandfather for 50 years.
She was only used to cis-hetero-normativity,
she never questioned her identity
or the identity of others.
When I spoke to her, she was a bit taken aback
But she always ensured
to try her best for me.
She tried very hard.
She almost never messed up using my preferred name.
I applied to change my name in 2019.
I applied to my city hall.
I was given a file to fill out
with testimonials from loved ones
to say they called me Cami
I asked my school to write me a reference, etc.
Then I submitted the file
and I waited a few months,
it varies by city,
and I was accepted for a name change.
To misgender someone
is to refer to them
using the wrong pronouns.
For example, referring to a non-binary person
who explicitly says they use neutral pronouns, like they/them,
with she/her or he/him pronouns.
I personally use the pronouns
she/her when spoken, and they/them when written.
But in general I often say right away
that I prefer that people refer to me
with she/her pronouns when speaking.
After, if the person doesn’t give their pronouns
and you want to be sure you’re not misgendering them
you can ask them for their pronouns
or wait for the person to refer to themselves
and follow their lead.
On the previous videos I’ve made
there were a lot of comments that invalidated our identities.
That denied our gender expressions and identities.
Now, I don’t read many comments
only because I know that mostly
they’re malicious or misinformed
and they’ll only hurt me.
Once, I took part in an advertorial
that suggested that being non-binary was a trend
that it only appeared a few years ago
in the US, that it was a fashion trend,
“the unisex trend” etc.
It was completely wrong.
I think it’s also a very white and very euro-centric opinion
because in most cultures
you find many gender identities
that were completely erased during colonization.
Often, we hear that it’s problematic
or it’s embarrassing to create more labels
for self-identification, self-reidentification, etc.
But I think it’s really important
to be able to identify as something
and to not identify as something that we were arbitrarily assigned.
I think it’s also necessary to find a community
to create connections,
to know we aren't alone,
that there is support that there are other people like us
who understand us, who hear us.
If I could only say one thing
it would be that even if you don’t understand
you can always support us.
You can learn, deconstruct the ways you think
you can inform yourself, you can help your loved ones,
even if you don’t understand
the full scope of their gender identity.
A second thing, all non-binary people
have different ways to express their identity.
Some people will transition medically,
will take hormones, undergo surgeries
and it doesn’t matter
the way that you transition or not
socially, medically, etc.
Our identity is legitimate, it exists,
and we are everywhere.