WEBVTT

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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime

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but I tried making it at home and there's more to it than that

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Want some home-made Sprite?

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Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it

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I like refried beans

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that's why I want to try fried beans

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'cause maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time

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You don't have to fry them again after all

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I eat a lot of sandwiches; Who doesn't, man?

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Sandwiches are easy to eat

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But I hate sandwiches at New York delis

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Too much fucking meat on the sandwich

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It's like a cow with a cracker on either side

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"What would you like sir?"

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"A pastrami sandwich"

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"Anything else?"

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"Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people"

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"What kind of bread?"

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"Rye - no, fuck, banana - you got banana bread?"

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"What kind of cheese?"

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"Cottage"

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"Get the fuck out, I'm not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich"

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"That would severely ruin my reputation"

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I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man

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I don't know how I get away with it

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"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"

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"So do I"

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"Well let's form a club, then"

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"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"

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"Yes we do"

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"Instead of cutting the sandwich once let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles"

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"And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips"

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"Or potato salad, okay"

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"Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"

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"I'm for 'em!"

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"Well this club is formed"

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"Spread the word on menus nationwide"

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"Ill have my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"

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"Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"

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I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible

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If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars

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The fucker gave me the 'donated to charity' slice

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I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!

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Gotta have a drink here

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I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica

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'cause the dude didn't even get his degree

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Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?

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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper

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Well then they fucked up

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I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck

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Don't go see Dr. Acula

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I want to hang a map of the world in my house.

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Then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to.

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But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

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You, know, uh, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man

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I'm not into sports - I mean I like Gatorade, but that's about as it goes

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And by the way you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade

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You can just be a thirsty dude.

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Gatorade forgets this demographic

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I thirsty for absolutely no reason

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Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time

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Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?

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Yeah, I'm not into sports

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if I had athelete's foot my first reaction would be "that's not my fucking foot"

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I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box

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I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box

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Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop

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Hey, how the fuck did he do that?

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Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle

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I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match

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They said it's a fight to the finish

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That's a good place to end

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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right?

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McDonald's commercials end like this: pricing and participation may vary

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I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything

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I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner

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I'll say "Cheeseburgers: nope"

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"We got spaghetti!"

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"And blankets"

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"But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children"

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One time a guy handed me a picture and said "here's a picture of me when I was younger"

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Every picture is of you when you were younger

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Here's a picture of me when I'm older

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You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?

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Let me see that camera

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What's it look like?

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Sometimes I wave to people I don't know

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Very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know

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Because what if they don't have a hand?

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They'll think you're cocky

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Look what I got mother fucker

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This thing is useful

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I'm gonna go pick something up

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My sister wanted to be an actress; never made it

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But she does live in a trailer

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She got halfway

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Says she's an actress she just called to the set

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On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield

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but on a banana, it's just the opposite

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green means "hold on"

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yellow means "go ahead"

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And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"