1
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:22,059
[siren, bells, then music]

2
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,111
[singing] Oh, we're the man of
Texaco.

3
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,480
We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

4
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,960
this Texaco of ours.

5
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,119
Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

6
00:00:31,119 --> 00:00:33,360
you with an hour full of howls from a

7
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,440
shower full of stars.

8
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,840
We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

9
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,160
we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

10
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,480
servicing your cars.

11
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,879
I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

12
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,990
hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

13
00:00:46,990 --> 00:00:49,120
I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

14
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,039
the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

15
00:00:51,039 --> 00:00:53,280
knock. I jack the back.
I set the clock. Go

16
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,440
join the ranks of those who know and

17
00:00:55,440 --> 00:01:01,120
fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

18
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,520
And you will smile at the pile of new

19
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,199
miles you will add.

20
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:08,000
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

21
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,159
You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

22
00:01:10,159 --> 00:01:12,799
your car has ever had.
[drumroll]

23
00:01:12,799 --> 00:01:14,880
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

24
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,159
introducing television's number one star,

25
00:01:18,159 --> 00:01:21,200
the man America discovered,

26
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:40,704
Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

27
00:01:40,704 --> 00:01:46,423
[whistle]
Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

28
00:01:46,423 --> 00:01:48,760
Thank you and good evening,
good evening, ladies

29
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:56,079
and gentlemen. [laughter]
Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

30
00:01:56,079 --> 00:01:59,040
Columbus, 1492.

31
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:05,759
What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?
[laughter]

32
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,329
Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.
She's cackling.

33
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,000
How do you like it?

34
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,650
How do you like that? Ha ha.

35
00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:14,480
My mother didn't show up.
[laughter]

36
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,635
I don't like those telescopes.
Give me these.

37
00:02:16,635 --> 00:02:20,500
That's the kind I like.
[laughter] Ahhhhhh!

38
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:24,056
I am the - !
[laughter]

39
00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:25,996
What the hey?!
[laughter]

40
00:02:25,996 --> 00:02:28,024
How do you like it?
Don't I look good, huh?

41
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,680
[applause]
You, uh, don't applaud.

42
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,890
Don't applaud.

43
00:02:30,890 --> 00:02:33,490
You've heard of Ezio Penza?
I look like

44
00:02:33,490 --> 00:02:36,160
his brother, Safety Penza.
[play on words "safety pens"]

45
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,001
[laughter]
It's awful chilly around here.

46
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:42,080
i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

47
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,510
these past few nights,
I had to get up in

48
00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:44,830
the middle of night,
take off my socks.

49
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,590
You know, it's really,
[laughter]

50
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:48,410
I really feel you. How
do you like the socks?

51
00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:51,239
Smart socks.
Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

52
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,680
[laughter]
There's not a run in either one of them.

53
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,723
But it is
[laughter]

54
00:02:55,723 --> 00:02:57,210
It is really
[applause]

55
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,239
[whistle] Please, no!
[applause]

56
00:03:00,239 --> 00:03:02,480
I - oh, incidentally,
before I go any

57
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,510
further, is there
anybody in the

58
00:03:03,510 --> 00:03:05,384
audience from Brooklyn?
[I am!] You are? How do

59
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:13,120
you feel?
[gunshot, then audience laughter]

60
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,159
Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,
[laughter]

61
00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:18,080
I wanna', I feel good.
I really, ohhhhh.

62
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,680
you're breaking my
heart 'cause you're leaving

63
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,260
and you're taking
the furniture, too.

64
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:22,800
Thank you.
[applause]

65
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,560
Before going further,
I want to sit with

66
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,080
this lady down here.
Please, would you do,

67
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,920
the tall lady, will
you, will you? The man

68
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,920
behind you can't see the show.
[laughter]

69
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,959
Will you remove your head, please?
[laughter]

70
00:03:32,959 --> 00:03:34,908
I, uh, oh, before I to
any further, I want

71
00:03:34,908 --> 00:03:37,040
to try something new
tonight. Somebody, uh,

72
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,680
uh. How about having
all the married men

73
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,539
and women in the
audience stand up, huh?

74
00:03:41,539 --> 00:03:43,528
Every married man, come
on, stand up, will you?

75
00:03:43,528 --> 00:03:44,720
Come on, stand up.

76
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,040
Stand up [stomp] please.
[laughter]

77
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,239
[clap clap clap]
Stand up.

78
00:03:48,239 --> 00:03:49,680
Okay.

79
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,920
All right, now back
to me. Wait a minute,

80
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,840
stay there, stay there.
[laughter]

81
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,720
You fools, stay there!
[laughter]

82
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,080
Wait a minute.

83
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,560
now, wait a minute.
I'm trying something.

84
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:04,720
Please. Stand, will
you stand up please?

85
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:08,319
[laughter]
Now, all the, all the married,

86
00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:09,680
married men

87
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,000
everybody all the single girls stand up

88
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,720
and the married women sit down

89
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,400
now all the married men sit down and the

90
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,639
single men stand up

91
00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:20,000
now we have all the single man and

92
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,280
single ladies

93
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,079
what are you waiting for

94
00:04:25,919 --> 00:04:29,840
welcome to bride and groom

95
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,000
we you really we really have a very well

96
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,320
i feel good now

97
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,759
we have this man down here you're

98
00:04:37,759 --> 00:04:39,360
embarrassing me you can't come in here

99
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,360
undressed i really mean that this man

100
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,840
down here

101
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,280
i was only kidding if i've said anything

102
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,880
to insult you i offer you my humble

103
00:05:15,759 --> 00:05:17,840
i like it all right we kid everybody

104
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,120
that comes in here who's your favorite

105
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:23,240
comedian bob hope

106
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,000
where everybody go oh we we're going to

107
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,919
present a very wonderful show tonight

108
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,840
and the show is so long we want you to

109
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,520
sit back and relax and you folks that

110
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,639
are watching a show in chicago and

111
00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:42,560
cincinnati in detroit have we got a show

112
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,720
tonight that we got a show have we got a

113
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,560
show

114
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,320
i would like to introduce as our first

115
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,160
surprise one of the most sensational

116
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,120
troops ever to appear on a television

117
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,039
show it's very difficult on such a small

118
00:05:55,039 --> 00:05:56,560
stage to do this act but oh they're

119
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,000
wonderful ladies and gentlemen may i

120
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,479
represent you

121
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,080
oh we're the men of mexico we work from

122
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,840
maine to mexico there's nothing like

123
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,319
this texaco of ours

124
00:06:32,319 --> 00:06:34,479
our show tonight is powerful we'll wow

125
00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:36,639
you with an hour full of house from a

126
00:06:36,639 --> 00:06:38,639
shower full of stars

127
00:06:38,639 --> 00:06:41,120
where the merry texan coming tonight we

128
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,199
may be show men tomorrow we'll be

129
00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:45,520
servicing your cars

130
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,840
i wipe the pipe i pump the gas i rub the

131
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,840
hub i scrub the glass i touch the clutch

132
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,840
i'm off the top i poke the choke i sell

133
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,759
the pop i clear the gear i block the

134
00:06:53,759 --> 00:06:56,000
knock i jack the back i set the clock so

135
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,080
join the ranks of those who know and

136
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,800
fill your tanks with textile

137
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,000
sky team fill up with sky team and you

138
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,400
will smile at the pile of new miles you

139
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,440
will have

140
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,160
fire chief fill up with fire teeth

141
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,000
you'll find that texaco's the finest

142
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,800
friend your car has ever had

143
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,880
and now ladies and gentlemen

144
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,479
introducing america's number one

145
00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,080
television star

146
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,319
your tuesday night

147
00:07:22,319 --> 00:07:27,449
melton

148
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,740
thank you

149
00:07:51,599 --> 00:07:53,199
don't laugh lady this is my neck what

150
00:07:53,199 --> 00:07:55,680
are you your husbands

151
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,560
fine how do i look tell us i want don't

152
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,960
applaud all right

153
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960
hold it

154
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,800
i a little tired out he's been working

155
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,879
like a man all day i do uh

156
00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,400
you've been working like a man i can see

157
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,039
you're gonna be lousy good night

158
00:08:11,039 --> 00:08:12,639
i want to tell you i really i really

159
00:08:12,639 --> 00:08:14,479
feel don't i look funny i look like an

160
00:08:14,479 --> 00:08:16,160
advanced agent for margaret truman's

161
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,639
concerts

162
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,039
incidentally a report just come over

163
00:08:21,039 --> 00:08:22,800
here that margaret truman just gave

164
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,639
carmen lombardo 24 hours to get out of

165
00:08:24,639 --> 00:08:26,319
town

166
00:08:26,319 --> 00:08:29,520
24 and i'm giving you two minutes

167
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,360
thank you very much thank you mother

168
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,360
stay in the end

169
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,039
my mother she's here how do you feel all

170
00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:37,599
right take a boo

171
00:08:37,599 --> 00:08:38,839
she's

172
00:08:38,839 --> 00:08:42,080
loaded with money with money

173
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,000
i wanted to tell you don't mother told

174
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,519
me there'd be nights like this i better

175
00:08:45,519 --> 00:08:47,120
take this off no kidding would you do me

176
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,560
a favor and take this

177
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,880
thank you

178
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,240
thank you

179
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,560
it's me milton

180
00:08:54,560 --> 00:09:01,200
didn't you know it was me

181
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,560
i want to tell you

182
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,399
you heard of henry v i look like burl

183
00:09:04,399 --> 00:09:06,480
after the eighth

184
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,160
i lost that up i told that in the cereal

185
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,640
tan way backwards but this um

186
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,480
but this i feel happy tonight after all

187
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,839
what is happiness you can't buy money

188
00:09:13,839 --> 00:09:16,080
with it but it is peculiar you can't buy

189
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,399
money with it there's a bus leaving it

190
00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:19,920
is peculiar

191
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,600
what's a musician coming in now it's a

192
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:27,640
little late hey what are you coming in

193
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,600
next time

194
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,440
that's all right i'll buy you another

195
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,200
one i'll buy another you go over the

196
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,480
world that says tell them i sent you and

197
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,839
they'll give you in my regards ladies

198
00:09:47,839 --> 00:09:49,200
and gentlemen

199
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,120
i'm only kidding you got a strong union

200
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,399
i'd like you to meet the conductor of

201
00:09:52,399 --> 00:09:54,000
our orchestra tonight if he's a

202
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,680
conductor i want to transfer he's really

203
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:56,800
wonderful

204
00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,680
alan roth let's give him a big

205
00:10:06,079 --> 00:10:08,160
we have we have a very long show we're

206
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,600
going to get started tonight and all you

207
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,959
boys and girls do you like me don't i

208
00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:12,079
look don't i look like my knighthood

209
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,079
wasn't flower tonight we're going don't

210
00:10:14,079 --> 00:10:15,760
applaud at everything i say take down

211
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,800
the applause cards ladies ladies and

212
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,959
germs ladies and gentlemen

213
00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:22,320
i would like to introduce our first of

214
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,440
all we have such a long show we want to

215
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,560
get the whole show in tonight ladies and

216
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,240
gentlemen like induce our first surprise