[siren, bells, then music]
[singing] Oh, we're the man of Texaco.
We work from Maine to Mexico. There's nothing like
this Texaco of ours.
Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire
you with an hour full of howls from a
shower full of stars.
We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight
we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be
servicing your cars.
I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the
hub. I scrub the glass. I touch the clutch.
I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell
the pop. I clear the gear. I block the
knock. I jack the back. I set the clock. Go
join the ranks of those who know and
fill your tanks with Texaco. Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.
And you will smile at the pile of new
miles you will add.
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.
You'll find that Texaco the finest friend
your car has ever had. [drumroll]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
introducing television's number one star,
the man America discovered,
Milton Berle. [music and applause]
[whistle] Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.
Thank you and good evening, good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. [laughter] Lady, don't, please don't laugh.
Columbus, 1492.
What's yours? Gimbels 10-75? [laughter]
Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg. She's cackling.
How do you like it?
How do you like that? Ha ha.
My mother didn't show up. [laughter]
I don't like those telescopes. Give me these.
That's the kind I like. [laughter] Ahhhhhh!
I am the - ! [laughter]
What the hey?! [laughter]
How do you like it? Don't I look good, huh?
[applause] You, uh, don't applaud.
Don't applaud.
You've heard of Ezio Penza? I look like
his brother, Safety Penza. [play on words "safety pens"]
[laughter] It's awful chilly around here.
i feel like the weather, it's been so hot
these past few nights, I had to get up in
the middle of night, take off my socks.
You know, it's really, [laughter]
I really feel you. How do you like the socks?
Smart socks. Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.
[laughter] There's not a run in either one of them.
But it is [laughter]
It is really [applause]
[whistle] Please, no! [applause]
I - oh, incidentally, before I go any
further, is there anybody in the
audience from Brooklyn? [I am!] You are? How do
you feel? [gunshot, then audience laughter]
Thank you, birdshot. I, uh, [laughter]
I wanna', I feel good. I really, ohhhhh.
you're breaking my heart 'cause you're leaving
and you're taking the furniture, too.
Thank you. [applause]
Before going further, I want to sit with
this lady down here. Please, would you do,
the tall lady, will you, will you? The man
behind you can't see the show. [laughter]
Will you remove your head, please? [laughter]
I, uh, oh, before I to any further, I want
to try something new tonight. Somebody, uh,
uh. How about having all the married men
and women in the audience stand up, huh?
Every married man, come on, stand up, will you?
Come on, stand up.
Stand up [stomp] please. [laughter]
[clap clap clap] Stand up.
Okay.
All right, now back to me. Wait a minute,
stay there, stay there. [laughter]
You fools, stay there! [laughter]
Wait a minute.
now, wait a minute. I'm trying something.
Please. Stand, will you stand up please?
[laughter] Now, all the, all the married,
married men
everybody all the single girls stand up
and the married women sit down
now all the married men sit down and the
single men stand up
now we have all the single man and
single ladies
what are you waiting for
welcome to bride and groom
we you really we really have a very well
i feel good now
we have this man down here you're
embarrassing me you can't come in here
undressed i really mean that this man
down here
i was only kidding if i've said anything
to insult you i offer you my humble
i like it all right we kid everybody
that comes in here who's your favorite
comedian bob hope
where everybody go oh we we're going to
present a very wonderful show tonight
and the show is so long we want you to
sit back and relax and you folks that
are watching a show in chicago and
cincinnati in detroit have we got a show
tonight that we got a show have we got a
show
i would like to introduce as our first
surprise one of the most sensational
troops ever to appear on a television
show it's very difficult on such a small
stage to do this act but oh they're
wonderful ladies and gentlemen may i
represent you
oh we're the men of mexico we work from
maine to mexico there's nothing like
this texaco of ours
our show tonight is powerful we'll wow
you with an hour full of house from a
shower full of stars
where the merry texan coming tonight we
may be show men tomorrow we'll be
servicing your cars
i wipe the pipe i pump the gas i rub the
hub i scrub the glass i touch the clutch
i'm off the top i poke the choke i sell
the pop i clear the gear i block the
knock i jack the back i set the clock so
join the ranks of those who know and
fill your tanks with textile
sky team fill up with sky team and you
will smile at the pile of new miles you
will have
fire chief fill up with fire teeth
you'll find that texaco's the finest
friend your car has ever had
and now ladies and gentlemen
introducing america's number one
television star
your tuesday night
melton
thank you
don't laugh lady this is my neck what
are you your husbands
fine how do i look tell us i want don't
applaud all right
hold it
i a little tired out he's been working
like a man all day i do uh
you've been working like a man i can see
you're gonna be lousy good night
i want to tell you i really i really
feel don't i look funny i look like an
advanced agent for margaret truman's
concerts
incidentally a report just come over
here that margaret truman just gave
carmen lombardo 24 hours to get out of
town
24 and i'm giving you two minutes
thank you very much thank you mother
stay in the end
my mother she's here how do you feel all
right take a boo
she's
loaded with money with money
i wanted to tell you don't mother told
me there'd be nights like this i better
take this off no kidding would you do me
a favor and take this
thank you
it's me milton
didn't you know it was me
i want to tell you
you heard of henry v i look like burl
after the eighth
i lost that up i told that in the cereal
tan way backwards but this um
but this i feel happy tonight after all
what is happiness you can't buy money
with it but it is peculiar you can't buy
money with it there's a bus leaving it
is peculiar
what's a musician coming in now it's a
little late hey what are you coming in
next time
that's all right i'll buy you another
one i'll buy another you go over the
world that says tell them i sent you and
they'll give you in my regards ladies
and gentlemen
i'm only kidding you got a strong union
i'd like you to meet the conductor of
our orchestra tonight if he's a
conductor i want to transfer he's really
wonderful
alan roth let's give him a big
we have we have a very long show we're
going to get started tonight and all you
boys and girls do you like me don't i
look don't i look like my knighthood
wasn't flower tonight we're going don't
applaud at everything i say take down
the applause cards ladies ladies and
germs ladies and gentlemen
i would like to introduce our first of
all we have such a long show we want to
get the whole show in tonight ladies and
gentlemen like induce our first surprise