0:00:02.240,0:00:22.059
[siren, bells, then music]

0:00:22.280,0:00:24.111
[singing] Oh, we're the man of[br]Texaco.

0:00:24.111,0:00:26.480
We work from Maine to Mexico.[br]There's nothing like

0:00:26.480,0:00:28.960
this Texaco of ours.

0:00:28.960,0:00:31.119
Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

0:00:31.119,0:00:33.360
you with an hour full of howls from a

0:00:33.360,0:00:35.440
shower full of stars.

0:00:35.440,0:00:37.840
We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

0:00:37.840,0:00:40.160
we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

0:00:40.160,0:00:42.480
servicing your cars.

0:00:42.480,0:00:44.879
I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

0:00:44.879,0:00:46.990
hub. I scrub the glass.[br]I touch the clutch.

0:00:46.990,0:00:49.120
I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

0:00:49.120,0:00:51.039
the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

0:00:51.039,0:00:53.280
knock. I jack the back.[br]I set the clock. Go

0:00:53.280,0:00:55.440
join the ranks of those who know and

0:00:55.440,0:01:01.120
fill your tanks with Texaco.[br]Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

0:01:01.120,0:01:03.520
And you will smile at the pile of new

0:01:03.520,0:01:05.199
miles you will add.

0:01:05.199,0:01:08.000
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

0:01:08.000,0:01:10.159
You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

0:01:10.159,0:01:12.799
your car has ever had.[br][drumroll]

0:01:12.799,0:01:14.880
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:01:14.880,0:01:18.159
introducing television's number one star,

0:01:18.159,0:01:21.200
the man America discovered,

0:01:21.200,0:01:40.704
Milton Berle.[br][music and applause]

0:01:40.704,0:01:46.423
[whistle][br]Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

0:01:46.423,0:01:48.760
Thank you and good evening,[br]good evening, ladies

0:01:48.760,0:01:56.079
and gentlemen. [laughter][br]Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

0:01:56.079,0:01:59.040
Columbus, 1492.

0:01:59.040,0:02:05.759
What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?[br][laughter]

0:02:05.759,0:02:08.329
Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.[br]She's cackling.

0:02:08.329,0:02:10.000
How do you like it?

0:02:10.000,0:02:11.650
How do you like that? Ha ha.

0:02:11.650,0:02:14.480
My mother didn't show up.[br][laughter]

0:02:14.480,0:02:16.635
I don't like those telescopes.[br]Give me these.

0:02:16.635,0:02:20.500
That's the kind I like.[br][laughter] Ahhhhhh!

0:02:20.500,0:02:24.056
I am the - ![br][laughter]

0:02:24.056,0:02:25.996
What the hey?![br][laughter]

0:02:25.996,0:02:28.024
How do you like it?[br]Don't I look good, huh?

0:02:28.024,0:02:29.680
[applause][br]You, uh, don't applaud.

0:02:29.680,0:02:30.890
Don't applaud.

0:02:30.890,0:02:33.490
You've heard of Ezio Penza?[br]I look like

0:02:33.490,0:02:36.160
his brother, Safety Penza.[br][play on words "safety pens"]

0:02:36.160,0:02:40.001
[laughter][br]It's awful chilly around here.

0:02:40.001,0:02:42.080
i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

0:02:42.080,0:02:43.510
these past few nights,[br]I had to get up in

0:02:43.510,0:02:44.830
the middle of night,[br]take off my socks.

0:02:44.830,0:02:46.590
You know, it's really,[br][laughter]

0:02:46.590,0:02:48.410
I really feel you. How[br]do you like the socks?

0:02:48.410,0:02:51.239
Smart socks.[br]Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

0:02:51.239,0:02:53.680
[laughter][br]There's not a run in either one of them.

0:02:53.680,0:02:55.723
But it is[br][laughter]

0:02:55.723,0:02:57.210
It is really[br][applause]

0:02:57.210,0:03:00.239
[whistle] Please, no![br][applause]

0:03:00.239,0:03:02.480
I - oh, incidentally,[br]before I go any

0:03:02.480,0:03:03.510
further, is there[br]anybody in the

0:03:03.510,0:03:05.384
audience from Brooklyn?[br][I am!] You are? How do

0:03:05.384,0:03:13.120
you feel?[br][gunshot, then audience laughter]

0:03:13.120,0:03:16.159
Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,[br][laughter]

0:03:16.159,0:03:18.080
I wanna', I feel good.[br]I really, ohhhhh.

0:03:18.080,0:03:19.680
you're breaking my[br]heart 'cause you're leaving

0:03:19.680,0:03:21.260
and you're taking[br]the furniture, too.

0:03:21.260,0:03:22.800
Thank you.[br][applause]

0:03:22.800,0:03:24.560
Before going further,[br]I want to sit with

0:03:24.560,0:03:26.080
this lady down here.[br]Please, would you do,

0:03:26.080,0:03:27.920
the tall lady, will[br]you, will you? The man

0:03:27.920,0:03:29.920
behind you can't see the show.[br][laughter]

0:03:29.920,0:03:32.959
Will you remove your head, please?[br][laughter]

0:03:32.959,0:03:34.908
I, uh, oh, before I to[br]any further, I want

0:03:34.908,0:03:37.040
to try something new[br]tonight. Somebody, uh,

0:03:37.040,0:03:39.680
uh. How about having[br]all the married men

0:03:39.680,0:03:41.539
and women in the[br]audience stand up, huh?

0:03:41.539,0:03:43.528
Every married man, come[br]on, stand up, will you?

0:03:43.528,0:03:44.720
Come on, stand up.

0:03:44.720,0:03:47.040
Stand up [stomp] please.[br][laughter]

0:03:47.040,0:03:48.239
[clap clap clap][br]Stand up.

0:03:48.239,0:03:49.680
Okay.

0:03:49.680,0:03:51.920
All right, now back[br]to me. Wait a minute,

0:03:51.920,0:03:53.840
stay there, stay there.[br][laughter]

0:03:53.840,0:03:56.720
You fools, stay there![br][laughter]

0:03:56.720,0:03:58.080
Wait a minute.

0:03:58.080,0:04:00.560
now, wait a minute.[br]I'm trying something.

0:04:00.560,0:04:04.720
Please. Stand, will[br]you stand up please?

0:04:04.720,0:04:08.319
[laughter][br]Now, all the, all the married,

0:04:08.319,0:04:09.680
married men, uh

0:04:09.680,0:04:12.110
everybody. All the single[br]girls, stand up and the

0:04:12.110,0:04:14.720
married women sit down.[br][laughter]

0:04:14.720,0:04:16.599
Now all the married men[br]sit down and the

0:04:16.599,0:04:18.639
single men stand up.[br][laughter]

0:04:18.639,0:04:20.210
Now we have all[br]the single man and

0:04:20.210,0:04:21.280
single ladies.

0:04:21.280,0:04:25.919
What are you waiting for?[br][laughter]

0:04:25.919,0:04:29.560
Welcome to bride and groom.[br][laughter and applause]

0:04:29.560,0:04:34.000
This is - no. We, we really,[br]we really have a very -

0:04:34.000,0:04:35.960
Oh, I feel good! [yells][br][laughter]

0:04:35.960,0:04:37.759
We have - this man[br]down here, you're

0:04:37.759,0:04:39.580
embarrassing me.[br]You can't come in here

0:04:39.580,0:04:41.950
undressed. I really mean[br]that. [laughter] This man

0:04:41.950,0:05:00.220
down here. [laughter]

0:05:00.220,0:05:04.514
Thank you. Thank you.[br]I'm only kidding, sir.

0:05:06.050,0:05:08.538
[unintelligible][br]if i've said anything

0:05:08.538,0:05:11.100
[laughter][br]I was only kidding. I I said

0:05:11.100,0:05:13.669
anything to insult you,[br]I offer you my humble.

0:05:13.669,0:05:15.579
[laughter]

0:05:15.579,0:05:17.840
I like you, sir. All right.[br]We, we kid everybody

0:05:17.840,0:05:19.480
that comes in here.[br]Who's your favorite

0:05:19.480,0:05:29.740
comedian?[br]Bob Hope. [screaming laughter]

0:05:29.740,0:05:31.840
Hi.[br][laughter]

0:05:31.840,0:05:34.000
Where'd everybody go?[br]Oh, we, we're going to

0:05:34.000,0:05:35.919
present a very[br]wonderful show tonight

0:05:35.919,0:05:37.770
and the show is so[br]long, we want you to

0:05:37.770,0:05:39.520
sit back and relax[br]and you folks that

0:05:39.520,0:05:41.169
are watching the show[br]in Chicago and

0:05:41.169,0:05:42.770
Cincinnati and Detroit,[br]have we got a show

0:05:42.770,0:05:44.720
tonight, have we got[br]a show! Have we got a

0:05:44.720,0:05:46.560
show? [laughter][br]I would like to

0:05:46.560,0:05:48.320
introduce as our first

0:05:48.320,0:05:50.160
surprise, one of the most sensational

0:05:50.160,0:05:53.120
troops ever to appear on a television

0:05:53.120,0:05:55.039
show. It's very[br]difficult on such a small

0:05:55.039,0:05:56.854
stage to do this act,[br]but, oh, they're

0:05:56.854,0:05:58.370
wonderful. Ladies and[br]gentlemen may I

0:05:58.370,0:05:59.889
present you -

0:06:04.164,0:06:25.840
[siren, then bell][br][music]

0:06:25.840,0:06:28.230
[singing] Oh, we're the men of[br]Texaco. We work from

0:06:28.230,0:06:29.980
Maine to Mexico.[br]There's nothing like

0:06:29.980,0:06:32.319
this Texaco of ours.

0:06:32.319,0:06:34.479
Our show tonight[br]is powerful. We'll wow

0:06:34.479,0:06:36.639
you with an hour[br]full of howls from a

0:06:36.639,0:06:38.639
shower full of stars.

0:06:38.639,0:06:41.120
We're the merry Texaco-[br]men. Tonight we

0:06:41.120,0:06:43.199
may be showmen.[br]Tomorrow we'll be

0:06:43.199,0:06:45.520
servicing your cars.

0:06:45.520,0:06:47.840
I wipe the pipe. I pump[br]the gas. I rub the

0:06:47.840,0:06:49.840
hub. I scrub the glass.[br]I touch the clutch.

0:06:49.840,0:06:51.840
I mop the top. I[br]poke the choke. I sell

0:06:51.840,0:06:53.759
the pop. I clear[br]the gear. I block the

0:06:53.759,0:06:56.000
knock. I jack the[br]back. I set the clock. So

0:06:56.000,0:06:58.080
join the ranks of those who know and

0:06:58.080,0:07:00.800
fill your tanks with Texaco.

0:07:00.800,0:07:04.000
Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you

0:07:04.000,0:07:06.400
will smile at the pile of new miles you

0:07:06.400,0:07:07.440
will have.

0:07:07.440,0:07:10.160
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

0:07:10.160,0:07:12.000
You'll find that Texaco's the finest

0:07:12.000,0:07:14.800
friend your car has ever had.

0:07:14.800,0:07:16.880
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:07:16.880,0:07:18.479
introducing America's number one

0:07:18.479,0:07:20.080
television star,

0:07:20.080,0:07:22.319
your Tuesday night,

0:07:22.319,0:07:27.449
Milton Berle.[br][music and applause]

0:07:43.940,0:07:50.990
Ahhh! Ahhh![br]Thank you. [laughter]

0:07:51.309,0:07:53.199
Don't laugh, lady.[br]This is my nag. What

0:07:53.199,0:07:55.680
are you, your husband's?[br][laughter]

0:07:55.680,0:07:58.560
Fine. How do I look?[br]Tell us, I want -

0:07:58.560,0:08:00.138
Don't applaud.[br][applause] It's all right.

0:08:00.138,0:08:02.960
Don't applaud. Hold it.

0:08:02.960,0:08:04.800
I - a little tired out.[br]He's been working

0:08:04.800,0:08:06.879
like a man all day.[br]I do, uh [laughter]

0:08:06.879,0:08:08.520
Been working like[br]a man. I can see

0:08:08.520,0:08:10.159
you're gonna' be[br]lousy. Good night.

0:08:10.159,0:08:11.039
[laughter]

0:08:11.039,0:08:12.809
I want to tell you,[br]I really, I really

0:08:12.809,0:08:14.609
feel - don't I look[br]funny? I look like an

0:08:14.609,0:08:16.160
advanced agent[br]for Margaret Truman's

0:08:16.160,0:08:18.639
concerts.[br][laughter]

0:08:19.370,0:08:21.164
Incidentally, a report[br]just come over

0:08:21.164,0:08:22.800
here that Margaret[br]Truman just gave

0:08:22.800,0:08:24.639
Carmen Lombardo[br]24 hours to get out of

0:08:24.639,0:08:26.319
town.[br][laughter]

0:08:26.319,0:08:29.520
He said 24. And[br]I'm giving you 2 minutes.

0:08:29.520,0:08:31.500
[laughter] Thank you very[br]much. Thank you, mother.

0:08:31.500,0:08:33.360
Stay in. The end.

0:08:33.360,0:08:35.249
My mother. She's here.[br]How do you feel? All

0:08:35.249,0:08:37.599
right? Take a boo.[br][laughter]

0:08:37.599,0:08:38.839
She's loaded.

0:08:38.839,0:08:42.080
With money, with money.[br][laughter]

0:08:42.080,0:08:44.000
I want to tell you, tell the joke.[br]Don't I. My mother told

0:08:44.000,0:08:45.519
me there'd be nights[br]like this. I better

0:08:45.519,0:08:47.120
take this off. Okay.[br]Would you do me

0:08:47.120,0:08:48.560
a favor and take this?

0:08:48.560,0:08:50.880
thank you

0:08:51.120,0:08:52.240
Thank you.[br]Take it!

0:08:52.240,0:08:54.560
Thank you.[br]It's me, Milton.

0:08:54.560,0:09:01.200
[applause][br]Didn't you know? It was me!

0:09:01.200,0:09:02.560
I want to tell you, I -

0:09:02.560,0:09:04.399
you heard of Henry V.[br]I look like Burle

0:09:04.399,0:09:06.480
after the eighth.[br][laugher]

0:09:06.480,0:09:08.160
I loused that up.[br]I told that in a [unintelligible]

0:09:08.160,0:09:10.640
way, backwards. But this, um,

0:09:10.640,0:09:12.480
but this - I feel happy[br]tonight. After all

0:09:12.480,0:09:13.839
what is happiness?[br]You can't buy money

0:09:13.839,0:09:16.080
with it, but it is peculiar.[br]You can't buy money

0:09:16.080,0:09:18.399
with it. There's[br]a bus leaving.

0:09:18.399,0:09:19.920
It is peculiar -

0:09:19.920,0:09:21.600
what's a musician[br]coming in now? It's a

0:09:21.600,0:09:27.640
little late. Hey, what[br]are you coming in now?

0:09:27.640,0:09:31.360
[laughter]

0:09:31.360,0:09:41.940
Next time you come in late.[br][smash!, then laughter]

0:09:41.940,0:09:43.440
That's all right.[br]I'll buy you another

0:09:43.440,0:09:45.200
one. I'll buy another.[br]You go over to Wurlitzer's,

0:09:45.200,0:09:46.480
tell them i sent you and

0:09:46.480,0:09:47.839
they'll give you my[br]regards. Ladies

0:09:47.839,0:09:49.200
and gentlemen.[br][laughter]

0:09:49.200,0:09:51.120
I'm only kidding.[br]You got a strong union.

0:09:51.120,0:09:52.519
I'd like you to[br]meet the conductor

0:09:52.519,0:09:54.200
of our orchestra tonight.[br]If he's a

0:09:54.200,0:09:55.680
conductor, I want a[br]transfer. He's really

0:09:55.680,0:09:56.800
wonderful

0:09:56.800,0:09:58.770
Alan Roth.[br]Let's give him a big hand.

0:09:58.770,0:10:06.079
[cheering and applause]

0:10:06.079,0:10:08.160
We have, we have a[br]very long show we're

0:10:08.160,0:10:09.600
going to get started[br]tonight and all you

0:10:09.600,0:10:10.959
boys and girls. Do[br]you like me? Don't I

0:10:10.959,0:10:12.079
look, don't I look[br]like the knight

0:10:12.079,0:10:14.079
who was in flower[br]tonight. We're going - don't

0:10:14.079,0:10:15.760
applaud at everything[br]I say. Take down

0:10:15.760,0:10:18.800
the applause cards.[br]Ladies, ladies and

0:10:18.800,0:10:20.959
germs, ladies and gentlemen,

0:10:20.959,0:10:22.320
I would like to[br]introduce our first -

0:10:22.320,0:10:23.440
but we have such a[br]long show, we want to

0:10:23.440,0:10:24.560
get the whole show[br]in tonight. Ladies and

0:10:24.560,0:10:27.000
gentlemen, I'd like to[br]introduce our first surprise.