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[siren, bells, then music]

2
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[singing] Oh, we're the man of
Texaco.

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We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

4
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,960
this Texaco of ours.

5
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Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

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you with an hour full of howls from a

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shower full of stars.

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We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

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we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

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servicing your cars.

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I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

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hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

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I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

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the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

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knock. I jack the back.
I set the clock. Go

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join the ranks of those who know and

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fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

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And you will smile at the pile of new

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miles you will add.

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Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

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You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

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your car has ever had.
[drumroll]

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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introducing television's number one star,

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the man America discovered,

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Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

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[whistle]
Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

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Thank you and good evening,
good evening, ladies

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and gentlemen. [laughter]
Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

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Columbus, 1492.

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What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?
[laughter]

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Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.
She's cackling.

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How do you like it?

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How do you like that? Ha ha.

35
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My mother didn't show up.
[laughter]

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I don't like those telescopes.
Give me these.

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That's the kind I like.
[laughter] Ahhhhhh!

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I am the - !
[laughter]

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What the hey?!
[laughter]

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How do you like it?
Don't I look good, huh?

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[applause]
You, uh, don't applaud.

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Don't applaud.

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You've heard of Ezio Penza?
I look like

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his brother, Safety Penza.
[play on words "safety pens"]

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[laughter]
It's awful chilly around here.

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i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

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these past few nights,
I had to get up in

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the middle of night,
take off my socks.

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You know, it's really,
[laughter]

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I really feel you. How
do you like the socks?

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Smart socks.
Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

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[laughter]
There's not a run in either one of them.

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But it is
[laughter]

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It is really
[applause]

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[whistle] Please, no!
[applause]

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I - oh, incidentally,
before I go any

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further, is there
anybody in the

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audience from Brooklyn?
[I am!] You are? How do

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you feel?
[gunshot, then audience laughter]

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Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,
[laughter]

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I wanna', I feel good.
I really, ohhhhh.

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you're breaking my
heart 'cause you're leaving

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and you're taking
the furniture, too.

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Thank you.
[applause]

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Before going further,
I want to sit with

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this lady down here.
Please, would you do,

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the tall lady, will
you, will you? The man

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behind you can't see the show.
[laughter]

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Will you remove your head, please?
[laughter]

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I, uh, oh, before I to
any further, I want

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to try something new
tonight. Somebody, uh,

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uh. How about having
all the married men

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and women in the
audience stand up, huh?

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Every married man, come
on, stand up, will you?

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Come on, stand up.

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Stand up [stomp] please.
[laughter]

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[clap clap clap]
Stand up.

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Okay.

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All right, now back
to me. Wait a minute,

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stay there, stay there.
[laughter]

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You fools, stay there!
[laughter]

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Wait a minute.

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now, wait a minute.
I'm trying something.

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Please. Stand, will
you stand up please?

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[laughter]
Now, all the, all the married,

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married men, uh

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everybody. All the single
girls, stand up and the

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married women sit down.
[laughter]

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Now all the married men
sit down and the

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single men stand up.
[laughter]

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Now we have all
the single man and

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single ladies.

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What are you waiting for?
[laughter]

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Welcome to bride and groom.
[laughter and applause]

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This is - no. We, we really,
we really have a very -

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Oh, I feel good! [yells]
[laughter]

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We have - this man
down here, you're

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embarrassing me.
You can't come in here

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undressed. I really mean
that. [laughter] This man

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down here. [laughter]

101
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Thank you. Thank you.
I'm only kidding, sir.

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[unintelligible]
if i've said anything

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[laughter]
I was only kidding. I I said

104
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anything to insult you,
I offer you my humble.

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[laughter]

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I like you, sir. All right.
We, we kid everybody

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that comes in here.
Who's your favorite

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comedian?
Bob Hope. [screaming laughter]

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Hi.
[laughter]

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Where'd everybody go?
Oh, we, we're going to

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00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,919
present a very
wonderful show tonight

112
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,770
and the show is so
long, we want you to

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sit back and relax
and you folks that

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are watching the show
in Chicago and

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00:05:41,169 --> 00:05:42,770
Cincinnati and Detroit,
have we got a show

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00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:44,720
tonight, have we got
a show! Have we got a

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show? [laughter]
I would like to

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introduce as our first

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surprise, one of the most sensational

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troops ever to appear on a television

121
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,039
show. It's very
difficult on such a small

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00:05:55,039 --> 00:05:56,854
stage to do this act,
but, oh, they're

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00:05:56,854 --> 00:05:58,370
wonderful. Ladies and
gentlemen may I

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present you -

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[siren, then bell]
[music]

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[singing] Oh, we're the men of
Texaco. We work from

127
00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:29,980
Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

128
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,319
this Texaco of ours.

129
00:06:32,319 --> 00:06:34,479
Our show tonight
is powerful. We'll wow

130
00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:36,639
you with an hour
full of howls from a

131
00:06:36,639 --> 00:06:38,639
shower full of stars.

132
00:06:38,639 --> 00:06:41,120
We're the merry Texaco-
men. Tonight we

133
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,199
may be showmen.
Tomorrow we'll be

134
00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:45,520
servicing your cars.

135
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,840
I wipe the pipe. I pump
the gas. I rub the

136
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,840
hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

137
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,840
I mop the top. I
poke the choke. I sell

138
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,759
the pop. I clear
the gear. I block the

139
00:06:53,759 --> 00:06:56,000
knock. I jack the
back. I set the clock. So

140
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,080
join the ranks of those who know and

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00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,800
fill your tanks with Texaco.

142
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,000
Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you

143
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,400
will smile at the pile of new miles you

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00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,440
will have.

145
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,160
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

146
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,000
You'll find that Texaco's the finest

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00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,800
friend your car has ever had.

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00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,880
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,479
introducing America's number one

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television star,

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00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,319
your Tuesday night,

152
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Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

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Ahhh! Ahhh!
Thank you. [laughter]

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Don't laugh, lady.
This is my nag. What

155
00:07:53,199 --> 00:07:55,680
are you, your husband's?
[laughter]

156
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Fine. How do I look?
Tell us, I want -

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Don't applaud.
[applause] It's all right.

158
00:08:00,138 --> 00:08:02,960
Don't applaud. Hold it.

159
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,800
I - a little tired out.
He's been working

160
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,879
like a man all day.
I do, uh [laughter]

161
00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,520
Been working like
a man. I can see

162
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,159
you're gonna' be
lousy. Good night.

163
00:08:10,159 --> 00:08:11,039
[laughter]

164
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I want to tell you,
I really, I really

165
00:08:12,809 --> 00:08:14,609
feel - don't I look
funny? I look like an

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00:08:14,609 --> 00:08:16,160
advanced agent
for Margaret Truman's

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00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,639
concerts.
[laughter]

168
00:08:19,370 --> 00:08:21,164
Incidentally, a report
just come over

169
00:08:21,164 --> 00:08:22,800
here that Margaret
Truman just gave

170
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,639
Carmen Lombardo
24 hours to get out of

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town.
[laughter]

172
00:08:26,319 --> 00:08:29,520
He said 24. And
I'm giving you 2 minutes.

173
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[laughter] Thank you very
much. Thank you, mother.

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Stay in. The end.

175
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My mother. She's here.
How do you feel? All

176
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,599
right? Take a boo.
[laughter]

177
00:08:37,599 --> 00:08:38,839
She's loaded.

178
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With money, with money.
[laughter]

179
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I want to tell you, tell the joke.
Don't I. My mother told

180
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me there'd be nights
like this. I better

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00:08:45,519 --> 00:08:47,120
take this off. Okay.
Would you do me

182
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,560
a favor and take this?

183
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,880
thank you

184
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,240
Thank you.
Take it!

185
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,560
Thank you.
It's me, Milton.

186
00:08:54,560 --> 00:09:01,200
[applause]
Didn't you know? It was me!

187
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,560
I want to tell you, I -

188
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,399
you heard of Henry V.
I look like Burle

189
00:09:04,399 --> 00:09:06,480
after the eighth.
[laugher]

190
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,160
I loused that up.
I told that in a [unintelligible]

191
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,640
way, backwards. But this, um,

192
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,480
but this - I feel happy
tonight. After all

193
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,839
what is happiness?
You can't buy money

194
00:09:13,839 --> 00:09:16,080
with it, but it is peculiar.
You can't buy money

195
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,399
with it. There's
a bus leaving.

196
00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:19,920
It is peculiar -

197
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,600
what's a musician
coming in now? It's a

198
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:27,640
little late. Hey, what
are you coming in now?

199
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,360
[laughter]

200
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:41,940
Next time you come in late.
[smash!, then laughter]

201
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:43,440
That's all right.
I'll buy you another

202
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,200
one. I'll buy another.
You go over to Wurlitzer's,

203
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,480
tell them i sent you and

204
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,839
they'll give you my
regards. Ladies

205
00:09:47,839 --> 00:09:49,200
and gentlemen.
[laughter]

206
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,120
I'm only kidding.
You got a strong union.

207
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,519
I'd like you to
meet the conductor

208
00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:54,200
of our orchestra tonight.
If he's a

209
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,680
conductor, I want a
transfer. He's really

210
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:56,800
wonderful

211
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,770
Alan Roth.
Let's give him a big hand.

212
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:06,079
[cheering and applause]

213
00:10:06,079 --> 00:10:08,160
We have, we have a
very long show we're

214
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,600
going to get started
tonight and all you

215
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,959
boys and girls. Do
you like me? Don't I

216
00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:12,079
look, don't I look
like the knight

217
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,079
who was in flower
tonight. We're going - don't

218
00:10:14,079 --> 00:10:15,760
applaud at everything
I say. Take down

219
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,800
the applause cards.
Ladies, ladies and

220
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,959
germs, ladies and gentlemen,

221
00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:22,320
I would like to
introduce our first -

222
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,440
but we have such a
long show, we want to

223
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,560
get the whole show
in tonight. Ladies and

224
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,000
gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce our first surprise.