[siren, bells, then music] [singing] Oh, we're the man of Texaco. We work from Maine to Mexico. There's nothing like this Texaco of ours. Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire you with an hour full of howls from a shower full of stars. We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be servicing your cars. I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the hub. I scrub the glass. I touch the clutch. I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell the pop. I clear the gear. I block the knock. I jack the back. I set the clock. Go join the ranks of those who know and fill your tanks with Texaco. Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you will smile at the pile of new miles you will add. Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief. You'll find that Texaco the finest friend your car has ever had. [drumroll] And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing television's number one star, the man America discovered, Milton Berle. [music and applause] [whistle] Hiya. Thank you. They stood up. Thank you and good evening, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter] Lady, don't, please don't laugh. Columbus, 1492. What's yours? Gimbels 10-75? [laughter] Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg. She's cackling. How do you like it? How do you like that? Ha ha. My mother didn't show up. [laughter] I don't like those telescopes. Give me these. That's the kind I like. [laughter] Ahhhhhh! I am the - ! [laughter] What the hey?! [laughter] How do you like it? Don't I look good, huh? [applause] You, uh, don't applaud. Don't applaud. You've heard of Ezio Penza? I look like his brother, Safety Penza. [play on words "safety pens"] [laughter] It's awful chilly around here. i feel like the weather, it's been so hot these past few nights, I had to get up in the middle of night, take off my socks. You know, it's really, [laughter] I really feel you. How do you like the socks? Smart socks. Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn. [laughter] There's not a run in either one of them. But it is [laughter] It is really [applause] [whistle] Please, no! [applause] I - oh, incidentally, before I go any further, is there anybody in the audience from Brooklyn? [I am!] You are? How do you feel? [gunshot, then audience laughter] Thank you, birdshot. I, uh, [laughter] I wanna', I feel good. I really, ohhhhh. you're breaking my heart 'cause you're leaving and you're taking the furniture, too. Thank you. [applause] Before going further, I want to sit with this lady down here. Please, would you do, the tall lady, will you, will you? The man behind you can't see the show. [laughter] Will you remove your head, please? [laughter] I, uh, oh, before I to any further, I want to try something new tonight. Somebody, uh, uh. How about having all the married men and women in the audience stand up, huh? Every married man, come on, stand up, will you? Come on, stand up. Stand up [stomp] please. [laughter] [clap clap clap] Stand up. Okay. All right, now back to me. Wait a minute, stay there, stay there. [laughter] You fools, stay there! [laughter] Wait a minute. now, wait a minute. I'm trying something. Please. Stand, will you stand up please? [laughter] Now, all the, all the married, married men, uh everybody. All the single girls, stand up and the married women sit down. [laughter] Now all the married men sit down and the single men stand up. [laughter] Now we have all the single man and single ladies. What are you waiting for? [laughter] Welcome to bride and groom. [laughter and applause] This is - no. We, we really, we really have a very - Oh, I feel good! [yells] [laughter] We have - this man down here, you're embarrassing me. You can't come in here undressed. I really mean that. [laughter] This man down here. [laughter] Thank you. Thank you. I'm only kidding, sir. [unintelligible] if i've said anything [laughter] I was only kidding. I I said anything to insult you, I offer you my humble. [laughter] I like you, sir. All right. We, we kid everybody that comes in here. Who's your favorite comedian? Bob Hope. [screaming laughter] Hi. [laughter] Where'd everybody go? Oh, we, we're going to present a very wonderful show tonight and the show is so long, we want you to sit back and relax and you folks that are watching the show in Chicago and Cincinnati and Detroit, have we got a show tonight, have we got a show! Have we got a show? [laughter] I would like to introduce as our first surprise, one of the most sensational troops ever to appear on a television show. It's very difficult on such a small stage to do this act, but, oh, they're wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen may I present you - [siren, then bell] [music] [singing] Oh, we're the men of Texaco. We work from Maine to Mexico. There's nothing like this Texaco of ours. Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wow you with an hour full of howls from a shower full of stars. We're the merry Texaco- men. Tonight we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be servicing your cars. I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the hub. I scrub the glass. I touch the clutch. I mop the top. I poke the choke. I sell the pop. I clear the gear. I block the knock. I jack the back. I set the clock. So join the ranks of those who know and fill your tanks with Texaco. Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you will smile at the pile of new miles you will have. Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief. You'll find that Texaco's the finest friend your car has ever had. And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing America's number one television star, your Tuesday night, Milton Berle. [music and applause] Ahhh! Ahhh! Thank you. [laughter] Don't laugh, lady. This is my nag. What are you, your husband's? [laughter] Fine. How do I look? Tell us, I want - Don't applaud. [applause] It's all right. Don't applaud. Hold it. I - a little tired out. He's been working like a man all day. I do, uh [laughter] Been working like a man. I can see you're gonna' be lousy. Good night. [laughter] I want to tell you, I really, I really feel - don't I look funny? I look like an advanced agent for Margaret Truman's concerts. [laughter] Incidentally, a report just come over here that Margaret Truman just gave Carmen Lombardo 24 hours to get out of town. [laughter] He said 24. And I'm giving you 2 minutes. [laughter] Thank you very much. Thank you, mother. Stay in. The end. My mother. She's here. How do you feel? All right? Take a boo. [laughter] She's loaded. With money, with money. [laughter] I want to tell you, tell the joke. Don't I. My mother told me there'd be nights like this. I better take this off. Okay. Would you do me a favor and take this? thank you Thank you. Take it! Thank you. It's me, Milton. [applause] Didn't you know? It was me! I want to tell you, I - you heard of Henry V. I look like Burle after the eighth. [laugher] I loused that up. I told that in a [unintelligible] way, backwards. But this, um, but this - I feel happy tonight. After all what is happiness? You can't buy money with it, but it is peculiar. You can't buy money with it. There's a bus leaving. It is peculiar - what's a musician coming in now? It's a little late. Hey, what are you coming in now? [laughter] Next time you come in late. [smash!, then laughter] That's all right. I'll buy you another one. I'll buy another. You go over to Wurlitzer's, tell them i sent you and they'll give you my regards. Ladies and gentlemen. [laughter] I'm only kidding. You got a strong union. I'd like you to meet the conductor of our orchestra tonight. If he's a conductor, I want a transfer. He's really wonderful Alan Roth. Let's give him a big hand. [cheering and applause] We have, we have a very long show we're going to get started tonight and all you boys and girls. Do you like me? Don't I look, don't I look like the knight who was in flower tonight. We're going - don't applaud at everything I say. Take down the applause cards. Ladies, ladies and germs, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce our first - but we have such a long show, we want to get the whole show in tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our first surprise.