WEBVTT

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[siren, bells, then music]

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[singing] Oh, we're the man of
Texaco.

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We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

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this Texaco of ours.

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Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire

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you with an hour full of howls from a

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shower full of stars.

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We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight

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we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be

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servicing your cars.

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I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the

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hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

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I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell

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the pop. I clear the gear. I block the

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knock. I jack the back.
I set the clock. Go

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join the ranks of those who know and

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fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.

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And you will smile at the pile of new

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miles you will add.

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Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

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You'll find that Texaco the finest friend

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your car has ever had.
[drumroll]

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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introducing television's number one star,

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the man America discovered,

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Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

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[whistle]
Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.

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Thank you and good evening,
good evening, ladies

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and gentlemen. [laughter]
Lady, don't, please don't laugh.

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Columbus, 1492.

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What's yours? Gimbels 10-75?
[laughter]

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Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg.
She's cackling.

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How do you like it?

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How do you like that? Ha ha.

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My mother didn't show up.
[laughter]

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I don't like those telescopes.
Give me these.

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That's the kind I like.
[laughter] Ahhhhhh!

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I am the - !
[laughter]

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What the hey?!
[laughter]

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How do you like it?
Don't I look good, huh?

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[applause]
You, uh, don't applaud.

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Don't applaud.

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You've heard of Ezio Penza?
I look like

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his brother, Safety Penza.
[play on words "safety pens"]

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[laughter]
It's awful chilly around here.

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i feel like the weather, it's been so hot

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these past few nights,
I had to get up in

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the middle of night,
take off my socks.

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You know, it's really,
[laughter]

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I really feel you. How
do you like the socks?

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Smart socks.
Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.

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[laughter]
There's not a run in either one of them.

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But it is
[laughter]

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It is really
[applause]

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[whistle] Please, no!
[applause]

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I - oh, incidentally,
before I go any

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further, is there
anybody in the

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audience from Brooklyn?
[I am!] You are? How do

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you feel?
[gunshot, then audience laughter]

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Thank you, birdshot. I, uh,
[laughter]

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I wanna', I feel good.
I really, ohhhhh.

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you're breaking my
heart 'cause you're leaving

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and you're taking
the furniture, too.

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Thank you.
[applause]

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Before going further,
I want to sit with

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this lady down here.
Please, would you do,

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the tall lady, will
you, will you? The man

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behind you can't see the show.
[laughter]

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Will you remove your head, please?
[laughter]

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I, uh, oh, before I to
any further, I want

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to try something new
tonight. Somebody, uh,

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uh. How about having
all the married men

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and women in the
audience stand up, huh?

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Every married man, come
on, stand up, will you?

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Come on, stand up.

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Stand up [stomp] please.
[laughter]

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[clap clap clap]
Stand up.

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Okay.

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All right, now back
to me. Wait a minute,

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stay there, stay there.
[laughter]

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You fools, stay there!
[laughter]

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Wait a minute.

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now, wait a minute.
I'm trying something.

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Please. Stand, will
you stand up please?

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[laughter]
Now, all the, all the married,

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married men, uh

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everybody. All the single
girls, stand up and the

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married women sit down.
[laughter]

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Now all the married men
sit down and the

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single men stand up.
[laughter]

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Now we have all
the single man and

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single ladies.

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What are you waiting for?
[laughter]

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Welcome to bride and groom.
[laughter and applause]

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This is - no. We, we really,
we really have a very -

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Oh, I feel good! [yells]
[laughter]

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We have - this man
down here, you're

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embarrassing me.
You can't come in here

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undressed. I really mean
that. [laughter] This man

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down here. [laughter]

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Thank you. Thank you.
I'm only kidding, sir.

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[unintelligible]
if i've said anything

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[laughter]
I was only kidding. I I said

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anything to insult you,
I offer you my humble.

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[laughter]

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I like you, sir. All right.
We, we kid everybody

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that comes in here.
Who's your favorite

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comedian?
Bob Hope. [screaming laughter]

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Hi.
[laughter]

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Where'd everybody go?
Oh, we, we're going to

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present a very
wonderful show tonight

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and the show is so
long, we want you to

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sit back and relax
and you folks that

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are watching the show
in Chicago and

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Cincinnati and Detroit,
have we got a show

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tonight, have we got
a show! Have we got a

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show? [laughter]
I would like to

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introduce as our first

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surprise, one of the most sensational

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troops ever to appear on a television

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show. It's very
difficult on such a small

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stage to do this act,
but, oh, they're

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wonderful. Ladies and
gentlemen may I

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present you -

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[siren, then bell]
[music]

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[singing] Oh, we're the men of
Texaco. We work from

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Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like

00:06:29.980 --> 00:06:32.319
this Texaco of ours.

00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.479
Our show tonight
is powerful. We'll wow

00:06:34.479 --> 00:06:36.639
you with an hour
full of howls from a

00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:38.639
shower full of stars.

00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:41.120
We're the merry Texaco-
men. Tonight we

00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:43.199
may be showmen.
Tomorrow we'll be

00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.520
servicing your cars.

00:06:45.520 --> 00:06:47.840
I wipe the pipe. I pump
the gas. I rub the

00:06:47.840 --> 00:06:49.840
hub. I scrub the glass.
I touch the clutch.

00:06:49.840 --> 00:06:51.840
I mop the top. I
poke the choke. I sell

00:06:51.840 --> 00:06:53.759
the pop. I clear
the gear. I block the

00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.000
knock. I jack the
back. I set the clock. So

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join the ranks of those who know and

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fill your tanks with Texaco.

00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:04.000
Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you

00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:06.400
will smile at the pile of new miles you

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will have.

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Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.

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You'll find that Texaco's the finest

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friend your car has ever had.

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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introducing America's number one

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television star,

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your Tuesday night,

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Milton Berle.
[music and applause]

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Ahhh! Ahhh!
Thank you. [laughter]

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Don't laugh, lady.
This is my nag. What

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are you, your husband's?
[laughter]

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Fine. How do I look?
Tell us, I want -

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Don't applaud.
[applause] It's all right.

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Don't applaud. Hold it.

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I - a little tired out.
He's been working

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like a man all day.
I do, uh [laughter]

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Been working like
a man. I can see

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you're gonna' be
lousy. Good night.

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[laughter]

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I want to tell you,
I really, I really

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feel - don't I look
funny? I look like an

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advanced agent
for Margaret Truman's

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concerts.
[laughter]

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Incidentally, a report
just come over

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here that Margaret
Truman just gave

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Carmen Lombardo
24 hours to get out of

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town.
[laughter]

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He said 24. And
I'm giving you 2 minutes.

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[laughter] Thank you very
much. Thank you, mother.

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Stay in. The end.

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My mother. She's here.
How do you feel? All

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right? Take a boo.
[laughter]

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She's loaded.

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With money, with money.
[laughter]

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I want to tell you, tell the joke.
Don't I. My mother told

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me there'd be nights
like this. I better

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take this off. Okay.
Would you do me

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a favor and take this?

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thank you

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Thank you.
Take it!

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Thank you.
It's me, Milton.

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[applause]
Didn't you know? It was me!

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I want to tell you, I -

00:09:02.560 --> 00:09:04.399
you heard of Henry V.
I look like Burle

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after the eighth.
[laugher]

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I loused that up.
I told that in a [unintelligible]

00:09:08.160 --> 00:09:10.640
way, backwards. But this, um,

00:09:10.640 --> 00:09:12.480
but this - I feel happy
tonight. After all

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what is happiness?
You can't buy money

00:09:13.839 --> 00:09:16.080
with it, but it is peculiar.
You can't buy money

00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:18.399
with it. There's
a bus leaving.

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It is peculiar -

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what's a musician
coming in now? It's a

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little late. Hey, what
are you coming in now?

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[laughter]

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Next time you come in late.
[smash!, then laughter]

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That's all right.
I'll buy you another

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one. I'll buy another.
You go over to Wurlitzer's,

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tell them i sent you and

00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:47.839
they'll give you my
regards. Ladies

00:09:47.839 --> 00:09:49.200
and gentlemen.
[laughter]

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I'm only kidding.
You got a strong union.

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I'd like you to
meet the conductor

00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:54.200
of our orchestra tonight.
If he's a

00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:55.680
conductor, I want a
transfer. He's really

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wonderful

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Alan Roth.
Let's give him a big hand.

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[cheering and applause]

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We have, we have a
very long show we're

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going to get started
tonight and all you

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boys and girls. Do
you like me? Don't I

00:10:10.959 --> 00:10:12.079
look, don't I look
like the knight

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who was in flower
tonight. We're going - don't

00:10:14.079 --> 00:10:15.760
applaud at everything
I say. Take down

00:10:15.760 --> 00:10:18.800
the applause cards.
Ladies, ladies and

00:10:18.800 --> 00:10:20.959
germs, ladies and gentlemen,

00:10:20.959 --> 00:10:22.320
I would like to
introduce our first -

00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:23.440
but we have such a
long show, we want to

00:10:23.440 --> 00:10:24.560
get the whole show
in tonight. Ladies and

00:10:24.560 --> 00:10:27.000
gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce our first surprise.