[siren, bells, then music]
[singing] Oh, we're the man of Texaco.
We work from Maine to Mexico. There's nothing like
this Texaco of ours.
Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wire
you with an hour full of howls from a
shower full of stars.
We're the merry Texaco men. Tonight
we may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be
servicing your cars.
I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the
hub. I scrub the glass. I touch the clutch.
I mop the top. I poke the choke. i sell
the pop. I clear the gear. I block the
knock. I jack the back. I set the clock. Go
join the ranks of those who know and
fill your tanks with Texaco. Sky team. Fill up with Sky Team.
And you will smile at the pile of new
miles you will add.
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.
You'll find that Texaco the finest friend
your car has ever had. [drumroll]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
introducing television's number one star,
the man America discovered,
Milton Berle. [music and applause]
[whistle] Hiya. Thank you. They stood up.
Thank you and good evening, good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. [laughter] Lady, don't, please don't laugh.
Columbus, 1492.
What's yours? Gimbels 10-75? [laughter]
Lady, please, I'm gonna lay the egg. She's cackling.
How do you like it?
How do you like that? Ha ha.
My mother didn't show up. [laughter]
I don't like those telescopes. Give me these.
That's the kind I like. [laughter] Ahhhhhh!
I am the - ! [laughter]
What the hey?! [laughter]
How do you like it? Don't I look good, huh?
[applause] You, uh, don't applaud.
Don't applaud.
You've heard of Ezio Penza? I look like
his brother, Safety Penza. [play on words "safety pens"]
[laughter] It's awful chilly around here.
i feel like the weather, it's been so hot
these past few nights, I had to get up in
the middle of night, take off my socks.
You know, it's really, [laughter]
I really feel you. How do you like the socks?
Smart socks. Brooklyn socks. Brooklyn.
[laughter] There's not a run in either one of them.
But it is [laughter]
It is really [applause]
[whistle] Please, no! [applause]
I - oh, incidentally, before I go any
further, is there anybody in the
audience from Brooklyn? [I am!] You are? How do
you feel? [gunshot, then audience laughter]
Thank you, birdshot. I, uh, [laughter]
I wanna', I feel good. I really, ohhhhh.
you're breaking my heart 'cause you're leaving
and you're taking the furniture, too.
Thank you. [applause]
Before going further, I want to sit with
this lady down here. Please, would you do,
the tall lady, will you, will you? The man
behind you can't see the show. [laughter]
Will you remove your head, please? [laughter]
I, uh, oh, before I to any further, I want
to try something new tonight. Somebody, uh,
uh. How about having all the married men
and women in the audience stand up, huh?
Every married man, come on, stand up, will you?
Come on, stand up.
Stand up [stomp] please. [laughter]
[clap clap clap] Stand up.
Okay.
All right, now back to me. Wait a minute,
stay there, stay there. [laughter]
You fools, stay there! [laughter]
Wait a minute.
now, wait a minute. I'm trying something.
Please. Stand, will you stand up please?
[laughter] Now, all the, all the married,
married men, uh
everybody. All the single girls, stand up and the
married women sit down. [laughter]
Now all the married men sit down and the
single men stand up. [laughter]
Now we have all the single man and
single ladies.
What are you waiting for? [laughter]
Welcome to bride and groom. [laughter and applause]
This is - no. We, we really, we really have a very -
Oh, I feel good! [yells] [laughter]
We have - this man down here, you're
embarrassing me. You can't come in here
undressed. I really mean that. [laughter] This man
down here. [laughter]
Thank you. Thank you. I'm only kidding, sir.
[unintelligible] if i've said anything
[laughter] I was only kidding. I I said
anything to insult you, I offer you my humble.
[laughter]
I like you, sir. All right. We, we kid everybody
that comes in here. Who's your favorite
comedian? Bob Hope. [screaming laughter]
Hi. [laughter]
Where'd everybody go? Oh, we, we're going to
present a very wonderful show tonight
and the show is so long, we want you to
sit back and relax and you folks that
are watching the show in Chicago and
Cincinnati and Detroit, have we got a show
tonight, have we got a show! Have we got a
show? [laughter] I would like to
introduce as our first
surprise, one of the most sensational
troops ever to appear on a television
show. It's very difficult on such a small
stage to do this act, but, oh, they're
wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen may I
present you -
[siren, then bell] [music]
[singing] Oh, we're the men of Texaco. We work from
Maine to Mexico. There's nothing like
this Texaco of ours.
Our show tonight is powerful. We'll wow
you with an hour full of howls from a
shower full of stars.
We're the merry Texaco- men. Tonight we
may be showmen. Tomorrow we'll be
servicing your cars.
I wipe the pipe. I pump the gas. I rub the
hub. I scrub the glass. I touch the clutch.
I mop the top. I poke the choke. I sell
the pop. I clear the gear. I block the
knock. I jack the back. I set the clock. So
join the ranks of those who know and
fill your tanks with Texaco.
Sky Team. Fill up with Sky Team. And you
will smile at the pile of new miles you
will have.
Fire Chief. Fill up with Fire Chief.
You'll find that Texaco's the finest
friend your car has ever had.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
introducing America's number one
television star,
your Tuesday night,
Milton Berle. [music and applause]
Ahhh! Ahhh! Thank you. [laughter]
Don't laugh, lady. This is my nag. What
are you, your husband's? [laughter]
Fine. How do I look? Tell us, I want -
Don't applaud. [applause] It's all right.
Don't applaud. Hold it.
I - a little tired out. He's been working
like a man all day. I do, uh [laughter]
Been working like a man. I can see
you're gonna' be lousy. Good night.
[laughter]
I want to tell you, I really, I really
feel - don't I look funny? I look like an
advanced agent for Margaret Truman's
concerts. [laughter]
Incidentally, a report just come over
here that Margaret Truman just gave
Carmen Lombardo 24 hours to get out of
town. [laughter]
He said 24. And I'm giving you 2 minutes.
[laughter] Thank you very much. Thank you, mother.
Stay in. The end.
My mother. She's here. How do you feel? All
right? Take a boo. [laughter]
She's loaded.
With money, with money. [laughter]
I want to tell you, tell the joke. Don't I. My mother told
me there'd be nights like this. I better
take this off. Okay. Would you do me
a favor and take this?
thank you
Thank you. Take it!
Thank you. It's me, Milton.
[applause] Didn't you know? It was me!
I want to tell you, I -
you heard of Henry V. I look like Burle
after the eighth. [laugher]
I loused that up. I told that in a [unintelligible]
way, backwards. But this, um,
but this - I feel happy tonight. After all
what is happiness? You can't buy money
with it, but it is peculiar. You can't buy money
with it. There's a bus leaving.
It is peculiar -
what's a musician coming in now? It's a
little late. Hey, what are you coming in now?
[laughter]
Next time you come in late. [smash!, then laughter]
That's all right. I'll buy you another
one. I'll buy another. You go over to Wurlitzer's,
tell them i sent you and
they'll give you my regards. Ladies
and gentlemen. [laughter]
I'm only kidding. You got a strong union.
I'd like you to meet the conductor
of our orchestra tonight. If he's a
conductor, I want a transfer. He's really
wonderful
Alan Roth. Let's give him a big hand.
[cheering and applause]
We have, we have a very long show we're
going to get started tonight and all you
boys and girls. Do you like me? Don't I
look, don't I look like the knight
who was in flower tonight. We're going - don't
applaud at everything I say. Take down
the applause cards. Ladies, ladies and
germs, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce our first -
but we have such a long show, we want to
get the whole show in tonight. Ladies and
gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our first surprise.