0:00:00.480,0:00:01.022
(henry rollins) Gag.

0:00:01.022,0:00:03.190
I wanna go *prrfttgh prfhhthffh prrrgggh*

0:00:03.190,0:00:03.878
on the way.

0:00:03.878,0:00:04.939
But no,

0:00:04.939,0:00:06.921
so I'm very angry when I'm there

0:00:06.921,0:00:08.620
'cuz there's no one to talk to.

0:00:08.620,0:00:10.116
And if you're a guy who likes girls

0:00:10.116,0:00:11.150
you wanna go out on a date,

0:00:11.150,0:00:12.697
and sometimes you want a real date.

0:00:12.697,0:00:15.317
You don't wanna abduct these chicks like [br]you're used ta doing.

0:00:15.317,0:00:17.624
You know you're tired of rufies and duct tape

0:00:17.624,0:00:18.450
every saturday night.

0:00:18.450,0:00:19.463
You want a real date.

0:00:19.463,0:00:20.962
Ya want a real date.

0:00:20.962,0:00:22.821
And so I'm one of those horrible men

0:00:22.821,0:00:26.304
who judges women by the most shallow criterion.

0:00:26.304,0:00:29.868
Umm... don't ever try to judge a woman or anybody

0:00:29.868,0:00:32.442
by asking them their top three records,

0:00:32.442,0:00:34.620
top five foreign films of all time.

0:00:34.620,0:00:35.814
That's that High Fidelity

0:00:35.814,0:00:38.310
stupid list shit that some guys do.

0:00:38.310,0:00:39.446
And I can't be alone.

0:00:39.446,0:00:41.304
There's at least one moron in here

0:00:41.304,0:00:42.677
who does that with women.

0:00:42.677,0:00:45.001
Women have seen everything come by them.

0:00:45.001,0:00:46.125
Ya know, 80 times.

0:00:46.125,0:00:48.231
And if you say, "So what's your top five films."

0:00:48.231,0:00:49.167
The girl goes,

0:00:49.208,0:00:50.755
"Oh God, he's one of those guy."

0:00:50.755,0:00:52.606
"I can't wait for this to be over."

0:00:52.606,0:00:54.625
"He's not even getting a handjob."

0:00:54.625,0:00:56.616
"I am out of here."

0:00:57.848,0:00:58.378
And so,

0:00:58.378,0:01:00.420
every once in a while I find the girl,

0:01:00.420,0:01:01.485
we're out on a date,

0:01:01.485,0:01:03.215
we're driving down the road.

0:01:03.215,0:01:03.970
I'm driving and I go,

0:01:03.970,0:01:04.836
"Do not ask."

0:01:04.836,0:01:05.912
"Don't do the list thing."

0:01:05.912,0:01:07.146
"Don't do the list thing."

0:01:07.146,0:01:08.719
"Just have a nice conversation."

0:01:08.719,0:01:09.579
"Become interested."

0:01:09.579,0:01:11.489
"Find something interesting to talk about."

0:01:11.489,0:01:12.449
"That we can both talk about."

0:01:12.449,0:01:13.883
"Don't dominate the conversation."

0:01:13.883,0:01:15.680
"Don't spin the conversation to things

0:01:15.680,0:01:16.664
that you know so much about

0:01:16.664,0:01:18.806
so you can preach stentorian from the mount."

0:01:18.806,0:01:19.385
"Come on,

0:01:19.385,0:01:20.183
be open,

0:01:20.183,0:01:21.691
be available."

0:01:21.691,0:01:22.377
I'm driving,

0:01:22.377,0:01:23.017
I'm driving,

0:01:23.017,0:01:24.285
my will is breaking down

0:01:24.285,0:01:25.473
and finally, "Fuck it."

0:01:25.473,0:01:27.870
"I really need to know."

0:01:27.870,0:01:31.254
"So what are the three CDs in [br]your changer right now?"

0:01:31.254,0:01:33.272
"Well, I'm really listening

0:01:33.272,0:01:34.860
to the new Nickelba-"

0:01:34.860,0:01:37.745
(brakes screeching)

0:01:42.736,0:01:46.622
"Get the fuck out of my car!"

0:01:49.975,0:01:50.709
"You suck!"

0:01:50.709,0:01:52.956
"Whatever!"

0:01:52.956,0:01:53.672
"You suck!"

0:01:53.672,0:01:55.169
"Whatever!"

0:01:59.903,0:02:01.830
I want a woman who can sit me down,

0:02:01.830,0:02:02.516
shut me up,

0:02:02.516,0:02:05.080
tell me ten things I don't already know,

0:02:05.080,0:02:06.432
and make me laugh.

0:02:06.432,0:02:07.804
I don't care what ya look like.

0:02:07.804,0:02:09.040
Just turn me on

0:02:09.040,0:02:10.195
and if you can do that,

0:02:10.195,0:02:14.388
I will follow you on bloody[br]stumps through the snow.

0:02:14.388,0:02:18.049
I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth.

0:02:18.049,0:02:19.880
I will do your windows.

0:02:19.880,0:02:24.281
I will care about your feelings.

0:02:24.281,0:02:27.105
Just have something in there.

0:02:27.105,0:02:28.631
I want one of them readers,

0:02:28.631,0:02:30.394
that's what I want.

0:02:30.394,0:02:31.798
I want a reader.

0:02:31.798,0:02:33.233
And so you go out with a girl

0:02:33.233,0:02:34.512
and you're driving.

0:02:34.512,0:02:36.041
"So what are you reading right now?"

0:02:36.041,0:02:37.089
And all too often,

0:02:37.089,0:02:38.265
"Well I'm not much of a reader."

0:02:38.265,0:02:39.557
(brakes screeching)

0:02:39.557,0:02:40.681
"I'm not much of a dinner buyer!"

0:02:40.681,0:02:44.007
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"

0:02:44.007,0:02:46.655
"We're lost in the stucko sprawl of LA."

0:02:46.655,0:02:48.823
"I don't care!"

0:02:48.823,0:02:49.602
But every once in a while

0:02:49.602,0:02:50.841
you meet the one who reads.

0:02:50.841,0:02:52.724
"So what are you reading," he asked.

0:02:52.724,0:02:55.157
You know, the date killer question.

0:02:55.157,0:02:56.082
"So what are you reading?"

0:02:56.082,0:02:57.424
"Well I'm in the middle of a book right now..."

0:02:57.424,0:02:58.296
"Oh my God!"

0:02:58.296,0:02:59.774
"She's in the middle of a book."

0:02:59.774,0:03:03.062
"Be still my beating heart."

0:03:03.062,0:03:06.319
(heavy breathing)

0:03:06.319,0:03:07.224
"So what are you reading?"

0:03:07.224,0:03:10.921
he asked expectedly.

0:03:10.921,0:03:14.057
Nervous, tingling, body aquiver.

0:03:14.057,0:03:16.583
"Well, I'm in the middle of this Harry Potter-"

0:03:16.583,0:03:18.725
(brakes screeching)

0:03:18.725,0:03:19.520
"Don't be an adult woman

0:03:19.520,0:03:21.184
and read a fucking childs book in my car."

0:03:21.184,0:03:23.942
"Get the fuck out!"

0:03:23.942,0:03:25.688
So,

0:03:25.688,0:03:27.172
it's obvious a guy like me

0:03:27.172,0:03:29.219
is gonna live alone for the rest of his life.

0:03:29.219,0:03:30.464
At least I know it.

0:03:30.464,0:03:32.417
So I've kind of found that A & E,

0:03:32.417,0:03:35.744
History Channel person that lives inside.

0:03:35.744,0:03:37.476
And when I'm between tours

0:03:37.476,0:03:40.003
living in the city of whores in Los Angeles.

0:03:40.003,0:03:41.609
I just kind of hole up on my own

0:03:41.609,0:03:44.575
and by 8PM I'm just in front of the computer

0:03:44.575,0:03:45.603
on Google or Ebay,

0:03:45.603,0:03:46.683
buying things I don't need

0:03:46.683,0:03:48.208
and finding out 80 more things

0:03:48.208,0:03:51.202
about Che Guevarra I didn't know before.

0:03:51.202,0:03:52.261
And hoping the History International

0:03:52.261,0:03:54.850
has a 12 hour documentary on the Spanish Inquisition

0:03:54.850,0:03:58.565
and not just a paltry three hour one.

0:03:58.565,0:04:00.529
And that's the kind of miserable asshole I am,

0:04:00.529,0:04:01.576
so no one calls,

0:04:01.576,0:04:02.666
no one comes over.

0:04:02.666,0:04:06.759
But I have really refined my jack-off technique.

0:04:06.759,0:04:09.285
What else are ya gonna do?

0:04:09.285,0:04:10.532
It's gets late at night,

0:04:10.532,0:04:11.940
a man wants some lovin',

0:04:11.940,0:04:13.046
and if there's no one around,

0:04:13.046,0:04:14.787
you just have to love yourself.

0:04:14.787,0:04:15.599
"I love you."

0:04:15.599,0:04:17.275
"I love you, too."